"Beloved"
Review written by: Alex Sandell

What's the story?

Slavery sucks. So do ghosts.

So how is it? (Get to the point, already)

Have you ever been on one of those "haunted house" rides at the fair? The ones where you ride through some guys truck in a little cart and a plastic spider lights up and a buzzer goes off, hoping to make you jump? That's what sitting through this movie is like. Only, the plastic spider jumps out at you about once every thirty minutes, instead of every three seconds, and you're stuck in the "cart" for nearly three hours.

Oprah Winfrey's dream project is a total nightmare.

At least half of the questions asked in the first half of the film are never answered by the end of the second. Not that you'd care, by that point. After wasting three hours staring at Oprah (the star) making mundane stabs at receiving an Oscar, and Jonathan Demme (the director) going way overboard in trying to grab his, you'll just be happy the "EXIT" sign hasn't disappeared, and you can actually put one leg in front of the other and walk out of this once uncorrupted movie theater.

This weak attempt of a movie is a dark, morbid, cynical thing which teaches the audience nothing (with a possible exception made in the "begging for a refund" department) that it hasn't already been "taught" in numerous (superior) films. There is no enjoyment in viewing it, and nothing gained when the credits roll.

"Beloved" fails in every aspect. I just hope this pattern of failure comes back to haunt it at the box office.

What does it make you feel like eating?

You won't have an appetite after seeing Oprah's water breaking, Oprah giving birth, Oprah urinating all over the ground, Oprah beat to a pulp, Oprah's dead baby, etc, etc..

What are you selling us here???

It's not "us" that this film is selling to. It's the Academy. With the lukewarm response this movie has received from critics, it looks like it failed in that department, also.

If it won an Oscar, what would it be?

"Most disgusting pee scene performed by a multi-billionaire" - Oprah Winfrey

On a scale of 1-10?

1

Agree? Disagree? Wanna have cyber-sex? Email me at alex@juicycerebellum.com

Text (Copyright) 1998 Alex Sandell [All Rights Reserved]. If you copy this, without my permission, or even copy the "juicy" format, we'll be in court longer than Bill Clinton!

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