"Mystery Men"
Review written by: Alex Sandell

What's the story?

A bunch of dorks with too much money, too much time, and not enough brains come up with an ill-conceived idea to deliberately make a movie as bad as Batman and Robin.  The problem?   They succeeded. 

So how is it? (Get to the point, already)

Just when you think The Haunting is the worst it can get, along comes Mystery Men.  This is the kind of movie I would give my life for, if my life spared the world from seeing garbage like this.  The funny thing is, this movie turns out to be worse than the super-hero movies it is making fun of.   Sure, there's the "but he's got his glasses on!  He can't be 'Captain Amazing'" type jokes, which may elicit a tiny giggle, but, to be honest, this movie could use a little Superman type heroism to come in and save the day.  Hell, this movie could handle a little Batman and RobinANYTHING, with possible exception made to Speed 2:  Cruise Control, would be better than this. 

Being that there isn't a script any of these talented actors (the film has one of the best casts I've ever seen assembled for a comedy) could have taken that would have been worse than The Mystery Men, I'm figuring that they were all brainwashed into believing that they were just really desperate for the money and hit upon a virtual gold-mine. 

We have Ben Stiller playing "Mr. Furious".  Been there, done that, but he does it well again.  I have this love/hate thing with Stiller.  Half the time I love him, half the time I hate.  This time, I leaned toward "love."  His performance is really good.  His old pal, Janeane Garofalo, who I love about 97% of the time (it's just that feminist 3% that I could do without) does a decent job as "The Bowler", too bad the screenwriter didn't give "The Bowler" any worthwhile pins to knock down.  Greg Kinnear, who, in my mind, is the most underrated actor this side of that really talented geek in the high school play who's just a bit too "tubby" to play the leading man, is excellent as "Captain Amazing" (they couldn't have found a better actor to play this character), too bad screenwriter Neil Cuthbert had nothing "amazing" to write for him.  The list goes on and on.  One seriously good actor after another embarrasses himself by reading lines written by someone who obviously has a mental capacity which is the equivalent to that of a 5 year old's.  It is really odd to see such good performances in such a wretched film.

Then again, maybe I'm just being a prude.  I mean, Paul Reubens (Pee Wee Herman) as "The Spleen" does fart quite often and wear quite a few artificial zits and moles.  That's funny, right?  The audience seemed to think so.  Every time Pee Wee ripped a fart on someone's face, people laughed so hard, I was worried that they themselves would inadvertently let a couple go.  I couldn't believe I was sitting in a theater full of grown adults who still find the fact that their fellow humans also pass gas amazingly humorous, and amusing.   I couldn't believe I was watching a movie where some masturbating moron ripping a fart was considered the pinnacle of comedy.  I nearly walked out by the middle.   And, if you read this page more than once a decade, you'll know I love my "stupid" humor as much as the next guy.  I've even been known to throw out a fart joke, every now and then.  I just don't focus my entire life around my gastronomical system.

Even without the fart jokes, this film is so damn moronic, it makes me wonder why I'm reviewing it, at all.   Anyone attracted to this kind of movie isn't going to be taking my advice, anyway.   It's not like people listen to a critic when it comes to flatulence.  I'm wasting my time.  If it's a bomb, it won't be because I despised it more than my grandfather's shingles, it'll be because it wasn't advertised enough, or because McDonald's didn't hand you a "Spleen" toy with your Big Mac.  If it is advertised correctly, or enough, you'll all go to the theater and plunk down your $8.00 no matter what I say (you gave that away when nearly all of you admitted to paying for The Haunting). 

So, unlike The Haunting, which I BEGGED you not to see, I am not going to tell you what to do with your money (unless you want to contribute it to The Juicy Cerebellum).  I am not going to tell you that this isn't worth a single fart out of pee wee's pimply pooper.   I'm actually going to recommend it.  I want you fuckers to suffer through this pile of vile vomit.  Go, watch - see for yourselves.  I hope you walk out feeling as tortured as I did. 

What does it make you feel like eating?

I was sick to my stomach by the end of this.  I couldn't eat anything.  My appetite still hasn't returned.

What are you selling us here???

People using farts as a weapon is funny.  Didn't Howard Stern invent "Fart Man" like 10 years ago?  Too bad we can't patent our gas - he'd be a billionaire if he sued!

If it won an Oscar, what would it be?

"First movie to make fun of Batman and Robin that sucked even worse than Batman and Robin" - The Mystery Men

On a scale of 1-10?

1

Agree? Disagree? Wanna have cyber-sex? Email me at alex@juicycerebellum.com

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Text (Copyright) 1999 Alex Sandell [All Rights Reserved]. If you copy this, without my permission, you'll be stuck, for eternity, sniffing Pee Wee's ass.

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