"End Of Days"
Review written by: Alex Sandell

What's the story?

The Terminator fights Satan, or something.

So how is it? (Get to the point, already)

End of Days is supposedly Arnold's comeback after countless disasters such as Batman and Robin, Jingle All the Way, and the idiotic Junior; what it turns out to be is Terminator 2, minus all the good parts, and plus all of the bad (lots of lame CGI and weak Guns 'N Roses song in the soundtrack). 

Arnold takes an actual stab at acting, but most of it comes off as comedy.  The audience I saw this with laughed during the moments that were meant to make them cry, snickered over the moments that were meant to make them gasp, and generally reacted to Arnold's performance in every which way but the way he intended them to.  If Schwarzenegger were actually in the crowd, he would have probably kicked all of our asses for degrading him with our giggles.   Tough shit, Arnie; stick with "professional" wrestling.

Although he's fun to make fun of, Arnold isn't the main culprit in this supernatural "thriller"; I would place most of the blame on the lame-ass director, Peter Hyams (The Relic, Time Cop).  This guy really blows, when it comes to directing a film. Under his direction, action scenes become bland clones of 1,000 movies that we've seen before, and suspense scenes turn into, well, bland clones of action scenes that we've seen 1,000 times before.  Hyams manages to take a script that was already half-assed, and turns it into a movie that bites harder than the sharks in Deep Blue Sea.  Hyams' directing style reminds me of a jock in high school trying to improve on the paper that he paid a nerd $50.00 to write for him.  In the process of "improving," the guy completely destroys any potential that the initial project once had.

Yet, Andrew W. Marlowe, the "nerdy" screenwriter behind "classics" such as Air Force One, doesn't give Hyams much to work with.  "Half-assed" is the best that he gets.   This script is by the numbers.  We've seen it before, and, frankly, I don't think anyone, outside of a 15-year-old male headbanger, wants to see it again.  Who gives a shit about a horny devil (Gabriel Byrne) looking to fuck some chick before the millenium?  Not me, and hopefully not the majority of movie-goers.  This movie totally sucks.  If you want something decent, which plays by the numbers, go see the new James Bond

What are you selling us here???

Bad plots, horrible acting and rotten directing, as justifiable forms of entertainment.

If it won an Oscar, what would it be?

"Big Pile of Junk" - End of Days

On a scale of 1-10?

2 (for the couple sadistic scenes that are slightly entertaining.)

Agree? Disagree? Wanna have cyber-sex? Email me at alex@juicycerebellum.com

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Text (Copyright) 1999 Alex Sandell [All Rights Reserved]. If you copy this, without my permission, I'll damn you with bad Schwarzenegger movies for eternity.

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