"Star Wars:   Episode 1 - The Phantom Menace"
"The Even More Special Edition" Review written by: Alex Sandell
<<<EVEN NEWER COMMENTS (10/19/01) WRITTEN IN BLUE, AND ARGUING WITH
BOTH OF THE OLDER VERSIONS OF ME, GIVING MY FINAL RATING, AND 
THOUGHTS, 2 YEARS AND FIVE MONTHS, TO THE DAY, AFTER MY ORIGINAL 
REVIEW, OF THE PHANTOM MENACE!>>>

<<<NEW COMMENTS (8/8/01) WRITTEN IN RED, SLAMMING THE ORIGINAL REVIEW WRITTEN BY ALEX SANDELL OF THE PAST, AND COMING CLEAN ON WHAT A HORRIBLE DISAPPOINTMENT THIS MOVIE REALLY WAS.  I'M QUITE HARSH ON MYSELF, SO BE PREPARED FOR A DOSE OF UNRIVALED SELF-HATRED!>>>
<<<ORIGINAL COMMENTS WRITTEN 5/19/99 ARE IN THE BLACK FONT>>>

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What's the story?

Qui-Gon Jinn (Liam Neeson) and Obi-Wan Kenobi (Ewan McGregor), along with Queen Amidala (Natalie Portman), Anakin Skywalker (Jake Lloyd), Jar Jar Binks (Ahmed Best) and thousands of other colorful characters, defend the peaceful planet of Naboo against Darth Sidious, Darth Maul, and a bunch of incompetent Battle Droids (the obvious forerunners to the Stormtrooper). 

So how is it? (Get to the point, already)

In 1977, when I was only 5 years old, I sat down in a small-town theater and watched a movie that has forever changed the way that I view films.  That movie, of course, was Star Wars.   To this day, no movie, including the two sequels which followed it, could measure up.  They could only come close.  Now, 16 years after the last Star Wars sequel, comes the first prequel, The Phantom Menace.  This leaves the inevitable question: can George Lucas stir-up the same sense of wonder and awe in a 27-year-old that he did in a 5-year-old 22 years ago? 

<<<NO!>>>

<<<BUT ONLY BECAUSE YOU'RE NOT FIVE, ANYMORE.>>>

Amazingly enough, the answer is "yes." 

<<<HUH?!?  WHAT THE HELL WAS I TALKING ABOUT?  "NO," DAMMIT!  THE ANSWER IS "NO!">>>

<<<THE ANSWER IS ACTUALLY "SORT OF."  G-ZUZ, WHAT'S WITH ALL THE EXTREMES?>>>

<<<ALEX OF THE PAST, LISTEN TO ME, BEFORE YOU MAKE A FOOL OF YOURSELF: YOU ARE CURRENTLY DELUDED BY THE LUCAS HYPE-MACHINE, AND YOU'RE GIVING THIS MOVIE THE REVIEW THAT YOU SO DESPERATELY, FOR 16 YEARS, WANTED TO GIVE IT.>>>

<<<NOT TRUE, SLIGHTLY MORE RECENT ALEX!  ALEX OF THE PAST WAS ACTUALLY MORE ACCURATE IN WHAT HE WROTE THAN YOU WERE.  ALL YOU WERE WAS SOMEONE WHO BECAME JADED AND CYNICAL ABOUT THE PHANTOM MENACE AFTER REPEATED VIEWINGS OF IT.  YOU NOTICED SOME PLOT HOLES IN THE MOVIE, HEARD A BUNCH OF YOUR PEERS BITCHING ABOUT THE MOVIE, AND STARTED TO DOUBT YOUR OWN OPINIONS.  YOU WERE TRULY ONE BIG FUCKING PUSSY!  ALEX OF THE PAST HAS WAY MORE BALLS THAN YOU, AND I BET THAT HE COULD WIN YOU IN A FIGHT!>>>

<<<THE MOVIE WASN'T A TEN.  THE ONLY SENSE OF "WONDER" IT SHOULD STIR UP IN YOU IS WHEN YOU WONDER HOW LUCAS COULD HAVE FUCKED UP HIS SERIES SO BADLY!>>>

<<<NOW I WAS JUST BEING MEAN TO ME.  THERE ARE PLENTY OF MOMENTS IN THE PHANTOM MENACE THAT STIR UP A SENSE OF WONDER.  MAYBE NOT AFTER YOU'VE SEEN IT 8 TIMES (WHICH IS HOW MANY TIMES YOU HAD WATCHED IT BEFORE WRITING YOUR RANT ABOUT HOW MUCH IT SUCKED.  ODD IT TOOK YOU EIGHT TIMES TO COME TO THAT CONCLUSION.  IF YOU WATCH A MOVIE YOU CONSIDER MEDIOCRE EIGHT TIMES, I'D LIKE TO SEE HOW MANY TIMES YOU'D WATCH SOMETHING YOU TRULY HATE!), BUT THE FIRST 7 TIMES, IT'S A BLAST!  (NOT TO MENTION, YOU WILL END UP LOVING IT AGAIN IN THE FUTURE, WHEN YOU'RE ME, AND IT'S NOW, AND YOU'VE WATCHED IT FOUR TIMES ON DVD.  YOU REALLY SHOULD HAVE KEPT YOUR MOUTH SHUT, SLIGHTLY MORE RECENT ALEX.  ALEX OF THE PRESENT AGREES WITH ALEX OF THE PAST, AND NOW WE'RE GOING TO GANG UP ON YOU AND KICK MY ASS!>>>

<<<THE REAL ANSWER IS "NO!"  IF YOU DECIDE TO ANSWER WITH "YES," ALEX OF THE PRESENT IS GOING TO RIDICULE YOU AND CALL YOU A MORON.  MORON.>>>

<<<BUT ALEX OF THE FUTURE, WHO IS NOW ALEX OF THE PRESENT, MAKING YOU JUST ANOTHER ALEX OF THE PAST, IS GOING TO CALL YOU A PRETENTIOUS COCKSUCKER, AND SEND YOU TO BED WITHOUT ANY BEER!>>>

Just seeing the words "Star Wars" fly backward from the front of the screen as the theme music blared out of multiple speakers had me cheering wildly with tears in my eyes.

<<<THE SENTENCE ABOVE PROVES THAT YOU WERE UNDER LUCAS'S SPELL.>>>

<<<NO, IT PROVED THAT HE LIKED STAR WARS.  OF THE THREE OF ME, IT'S ONLY YOU WHO DECIDED TO GO ALL CRAZY AND BITCH ABOUT YOUR FAVORITE SERIES OF ALL TIME!>>>

<<<THE TEARS IN YOUR EYES CLOUDED YOUR VISION!  THE THEME MUSIC BLARING DULLED YOUR SENSES!  YOU WERE LIKE ONE OF THOSE CRAZY CULT PEOPLE THAT TALK IN TONGUES AND SWEAR THAT THE WEIRD SOUNDS THEY WERE MAKING WAS THE LORD TELLING THEM TO BUILD A VIBRATOR-SHAPED SHRINE TO ELVIS!>>>

<<<THAT WAS KIND OF FUNNY.  KUDOS ON THE JOKE, SLIGHTLY MORE RECENT ALEX!>>>

<<<IT IS LUCKY YOU CAME TO YOUR SENSES, ALEX OF THE PAST, OR BY THIS POINT YOU'D BE SCREWING JAR JAR BINKS' DOLLS AND PRAISING FILMS LIKE TOMB RAIDER AS "VISIONARY CLASSICS.">>>

<<<IT WAS YOU, SLIGHTLY MORE RECENT ME, WHO SEEMED TO LOSE ALL SENSES YOU HAD, REGARDING THIS FILM.  AND, GUESS WHAT?  I LOVE THE PHANTOM MENACE, AND I'M STILL NOT FUCKING JAR JAR BINKS' DOLLS, AND I STILL HATE CRAP LIKE TOMB RAIDER.>>>

<<<YOU WERE AT RISK OF BEING THE NEXT "DAVID MANNING,">>>

<<<LOL!  I FORGOT ALL ABOUT "DAVID MANNING"!  TO THINK, IF IT WASN'T FOR ME, I PROBABLY WOULD HAVE NEVER THOUGHT OF "HIM" AGAIN!>>>

<<<ALEX OF THE PAST, AND YOU MAKE ME ASHAMED TO HAVE BEEN YOU.>>>

<<<TALK ABOUT YOUR SELF-LOATHING.>>>

The magic had already started before a word had been spoken in the film. 

<<<AND SO HAD THE SELF-DELUSION, OBVIOUSLY.>>>

<<<WHAT A PRICK!  HOW COULD I EVER HAVE LIVED WITH ME?>>>

Then we move into the action.  Lightsabers, evil aliens, 

<<<EVIL ALIENS?!?  THEY WERE MORE LIKE CORRUPT USED CAR SALESMEN MOONLIGHTING AS OWNERS OF A CHINESE RESTAURANT.>>>

<<<OKAY, I'M SORRY ABOUT THIS GENTLE ALEX OF THE PAST, BUT I'M GOING TO HAVE TO AGREE WITH SLIGHTLY MORE RECENT ALEX ON THIS ONE.>>>

tons of spaceships, planetary invasion, last-minute escapes and special effects like you've never seen before . . . 

<<<AND NEVER WANT TO AGAIN.  IT LOOKED LIKE A FUCKING CARTOON, SANDELL.  A MESS OF UNNECESSARY CGI CREATED TO SUCK IN DORKS LIKE YOU!>>>

<<<QUIT CALLING ME NAMES!  I'M GETTING SICK OF YOU THINKING YOU CAN ATTACK ME JUST BECAUSE I'M YOU!  ALEX OF THE PAST AND SLIGHTLY MORE RECENT ALEX ARE BOTH RIGHT ON THIS ONE.  YES, THEY LOOKED LIKE A CARTOON, BUT A REALLY, REALLY AMAZING CARTOON, ONE LIKE YOU'VE NEVER SEEN BEFORE.  THINK OF IT THE SAME WAY AS YOU THOUGHT OF THE ORIGINAL STAR WARS, OR EMPIRE STRIKES BACK, OR RETURN OF THE JEDI; SURE THE ALIENS LOOKED LIKED MUPPETS, BUT YOU NEVER SAW MUPPETS THAT LOOKED THAT COOL BEFORE!  THE EFFECTS IN ALL THE FILMS, INCLUDING THE PHANTOM MENACE, WERE, AND STILL ARE, PRETTY INCREDIBLE.>>>

all of this in under ten minutes.   And still, not many words have been spoken.  

<<<NOW YOU'RE PRAISING THE FILM FOR ITS LACK OF DIALOGUE AND CHARACTER DEVELOPMENT?>>>

<<<NO, I WAS PRAISING IT FOR AN AMAZING OPENING ACTION SEQUENCE!>>>

We're definitely back in Star Wars territory, again!

<<<YEAH, IF "STAR WARS TERRITORY" SUDDENLY MEANS A MEDIOCRE WORLD FILLED WITH BAD FART JOKES, TWO-MILLION PLOT HOLES, AND KIDDY SIDEKICKS.>>>

<<<THE BAD FART JOKE (NOT "JOKES", YOU EXAGGERATIVE LITTLE PECKERHEAD) WAS HORRIBLE, AND I STILL DON'T MUCH CARE FOR JAR JAR OR LITTLE BOY ANAKIN.>>>

But don't think Lucas is content simply rehashing old material. 

<<<WELL, ACTUALLY, THAT'S ALL HE IS CONTENT WITH.>>>

<<<AGAIN, SLIGHTLY MORE RECENT ALEX IS RIGHT, BUT HE'S MISSING THE POINT.  THE POINT IS THAT REHASHING OLD MATERIAL IS THE POINT!  LUCAS HAS DONE THAT IN ALL OF THE STAR WARS' FILMS.  EVEN THE FIRST STAR WARS HAD ELEMENTS OF THX-1138 AND AMERICAN GRAFFITI!>>>

He lets us know, right away, that this isn't your VCR's Star Wars.

<<<I AGREE WITH ME, THERE.  IF IT WAS MY VCR'S STAR WARS, IT MIGHT ACTUALLY BE GOOD!>>>

<<<YOU'RE A REAL SMART ASS.  YOU KNOW THAT?>>>

This is the new, computer-generated, ass-kicking, digitally-enhanced, millenium-ready, don't blink or you'll miss something Star Wars of the next generation! 

<<<WHAT A SHAMELESS ATTEMPT AT GETTING YOUR QUOTE PUBLISHED IN SOME PRINT AD.>>>

<<<HA!  I KNOW ME TOO WELL.>>>

<<<IF IT WASN'T ME THAT WROTE THIS, I'D SWEAR I WAS GETTING PAID TO TYPE OVER-EXAGGERATED HYPE FOR 20TH CENTURY FOX TO SPIT OUT IN ADS ACROSS THE COUNTRY.  BY THE WAY, ALEX OF THE PAST, "MILLENIUM" IS ACTUALLY SPELLED "MILLENNIUM."  DID YOUR SPELL-CHECKER REFUSE TO HELP WITH THIS PETTY REVIEW?>>>

<<<WHAT DOES THAT PROVE?  SO I MISSPELLED A WORD.  FROM HEER ON OUT, I'LL TERN OFF THA SPELCHEKKER.  YOU'LL SE THAT I NO LONGER NEED 1!>>>

Sure, that Protocol Droid may look like a silver version of the beloved C-3PO, but you can throw that thought away the second you hear that "he" is actually a "she" who is working for the bad guys.

<<<OH BOY!  WHAT A STUNNING PLOT TWIST!  HAND THAT OSCAR OVER TO LUCAS, NOW!>>>

<<<EVEN YOU THOUGHT THAT PART WAS COOL, SLIGHTLY MORE RECENT ME!  YOU CAN'T FOOL ME, I KNOW YOU TOO WELL!>>>

And where was the gigantic, seemingly endless, spaceship flying overhead at the beginning of the film?

 <<<PROBABLY HIDING IN A CORNER, HOPING LUCAS DOESN'T NOTICE THAT IT'S MISSING.>>>

<<<THAT WASN'T EVEN FUNNY.>>>

It was in Star Wars, The Empire Strikes Back and Return of the Jedi.  This is a new trilogy, and Lucas hits all of us "die-hards" right in the gut with that fact within the first 30 seconds. 

<<<THAT'S WHAT DID IT!  LUCAS HIT YOU SO HARD IN THE GUT, HE KNOCKED THE WIND, AND SENSE, RIGHT OUT OF YOU!>>>

<<<THESE JOKES JUST KEEP GETTING BETTER AND BETTER.>>>

I think this is good.   

<<<ARE YOU CRAZY?  HOW IS THIS POSSIBLY GOOD?  YOU ENJOYED THAT LITTLE DOUCHE LOOKING SHIP FLYING INTO WHAT LOOKS LIKE A SPINNING CHINESE RESTAURANT BETTER THAN THE OMINOUS SHIP FLYING SLOWLY ACROSS THE SCREEN, ITS SIZE ALONE CONVEYING ABSOLUTE DOMINANCE OVER THE GALAXY?>>>

<<<I AGREE WITH SLIGHTLY MORE RECENT ALEX, THERE.  THE BIG SHIPS AT THE BEGINNING OF THE FIRST THREE WERE FAR COOLER.  MY APOLOGIES, AGAIN, ALEX OF THE PAST.>>>

<<<IN THE PHANTOM MENACE I EXPECTED AN "EAT AT AL'S" SIGN TO BE HANGING OUT IN SPACE, WITH AN ARROW POINTING TO THE FLOATING CHINESE RESTAURANT/SPACE STATION/USED CAR SHOP, BEFORE QUI-GONN JINN AND BEN KENOBI ENTER, HOPING TO PICK UP A COUPLE OF EGG ROLLS, TO GO.>>>

<<<HA HA HA HA!  I KILL ME.>>>

This is an entirely different era, in that galaxy far, far away, one that takes place before the Empire destroyed nearly all that was beautiful and replaced everything with big, rusty ships and Death Stars, and stuff. 

<<<WAY TO STATE THE OBVIOUS, EINSTEIN.>>>

<<<I CAN'T BELIEVE YOU USED THAT DATED "EINSTEIN" PUTDOWN THINGIE.  YOU DO REALIZE NO ONE HAS SAID THAT FOR LIKE 20 YEARS NOW, DON'T YOU?  YOU SUCCEEDED IN LOOKING REALLY SWELL, THERE . . . NOT!>>>

This is an era in which royalty was still respected and Darth Vader was still just an innocent boy named Anakin.

<<<AN ANNOYING LITTLE SHIT, WITH NO ACTING ABILITY, NAMED ANAKIN, ACTUALLY.>>>

<<<HE DEFINITELY ISN'T GOING TO WIN ANY OSCARS.  STILL, HE WAS TOLERABLE.>>>

So, you're probably asking, is there anything you didn't like about the film?  Yes.  Like Return of the Jedi before it, there are plenty of flaws.

<<<I CAN TELL YOU KNEW IT SUCKED.>>>

<<<YOU KNOW THAT ISN'T TRUE!  YOU KNOW THAT ALEX OF THE PAST LOVED IT!  YOU WERE HIM AS I AM YOU, AND YOU ARE ME, AND WE ARE ALL TOGETHER!  YIKES, NOW I'M DOING THE BEATLES.  LAME.  IT ALMOST SOUNDS LIKE SOMETHING YOU WOULD HAVE DONE, AND THEN YOU WOULD HAVE THOUGHT IT WAS ALL FUNNY, OR SOMETHING.>>>

<<<YOU JUST COULDN'T BRING YOURSELF TO ADMIT IT.  I THINK YOU WERE JUST IN A BETTER MOOD BACK THEN CUZ YOU WERE GETTING LAID ON A REGULAR BASIS, AND WEREN'T STUCK WATCHING PENTHOUSE VIDEOS AND GRAINY MPEG'S OF JAPANESE GIRLS POOPING AS YOUR ONLY SEXUAL OUTLET.  (DID I JUST SAY TOO MUCH?)>>>

<<<YOU DIDN'T HAVE THE BESTIALITY PHOTOS AT THAT POINT?>>>

I was disappointed by the lack of character development,

<<<SCORE ONE FOR ALEX OF THE PAST!  YOU FINALLY GOT ONE RIGHT, STUPID ME OF LONG AGO!>>>

<<<I AGREE WITH US!>>>

and annoyed over some of the juvenile jokes that were sloppily written for the 10-year-old set. 

<<<SCORE TWO FOR PAST ALEX!  WHAT I REALLY THOUGHT OF THE FILM WAS STARTING TO COME OUT!>>>

<<<DON'T FORGET TO SCORE ONE FOR ME!  I HATED THE JUVENILE JOKES, TOO!  FINALLY, I'M STARTING TO FEEL MORE LIKE MYSELF, AGAIN!>>>

Obi-Wan said "master" too much, and was grossly underused (hopefully he'll have a bigger part in Episode Two).

<<<HOPEFULLY HE'LL PART JAR JAR'S ASS AND SHOVE HIS LIGHTSABER IN THERE, IN A HOMOEROTIC SNUFF MOMENT.>>>

<<<THAT WAS UNCALLED FOR.>>>

Qui-Gon, as portrayed by Liam Neeson, just seemed like he was really bored the entire time, 

<<<I WONDER WHY.>>>

<<<HIS PONYTAIL WAS GIVING HIM MIGRAINES?>>>

although he, like Obi-Wan, had his moments. The rest of the performers, with exception made to the wonderful Natalie Portman, didn't seem comfortable enough with one another to enter into any of the rapid-fire conversations that the original cast made famous. 

<<<SCORE YET ANOTHER ONE FOR ALEX OF THE PAST!>>>

<<<AND ALEX OF THE PRESENT!>>>

<<<IT IS SO OBVIOUS I THOUGHT THIS MOVIE WAS A DISAPPOINTMENT RIGHT FROM THE BEGINNING.  WHY I COULDN'T ADMIT IT IS BEYOND ME.  I STILL THINK IT WAS BECAUSE I WANTED TO LOVE IT SO MUCH THAT I COULDN'T ADMIT THAT I DIDN'T WORSHIP IT, AND BECAUSE I WAS GETTING SEX ON A REGULAR BASIS, SO MY SEROTONIN LEVELS WERE WAY UP, CAUSING ME TO BE A LITTLE GOOFY.>>>

<<<OR AT LEAST A LITTLE DONALD DUCK.>>>

Still, when you have main characters who are all dramatically different ages and come from totally different backgrounds, you can't expect the sarcastic banter you had between Han, Leia, Luke and Lando (well, maybe not Lando).

<<<LOL!  I AMUSE ME WITH MY FUNNY JOKES MAKING FUN OF LANDO!>>>

<<<I AM ALSO AMUSED WITH ME!>>>

So, I don't know if you can entirely blame the actors or Lucas for this shortcoming.

<<<AAAAAAAAAAAAHHH!!!  NOW I TURN INTO A BIG DELUDED FREAK, AGAIN.  WHO THE HELL ARE WE SUPPOSED TO BLAME, IDIOTIC 1999 VERSION OF ME?  THE KEY GRIP?>>>

<<<HOW DID YOU GET RID OF THAT HEMORRHOID LAST TIME?  I CAN'T REMEMBER, AND I'VE GOT A NEW ONE THAT WON'T GO AWAY, NO MATTER WHAT I TRY.>>>

On the other hand, feel free to hold the aforementioned Lucas responsible for that damn kiddy humor he's grown so fond of.

<<<I AGREE WITH ME ON THAT ONE!>>>

<<<ME TOO!>>>

In the "kiddy" humor department, we have the main perpetrator, Jar Jar Binks, a fishy alien who should have been thrown back in the water after his first conceptual drawing.

<<<WOO-HOO!  GOOD CALL, SANDELL OF THE PAST!>>>

<<<AND FAIRLY WITTY, FOR BEING SO HASTILY WRITTEN!>>>

He's not quite as annoying as those midgets in teddy bear suits (Ewoks) were, and, on occasion, he actually amuses, but, nonetheless, he does start to grate at your nerves.  The other main offender of all things adult (remember, this really isn't a "grown-up" movie) is Anakin Skywalker, our 9-year-old hero, who spouts out a few too many "OOPS's" and "YIPPEE's." 

<<<ADMIT IT, PAST SANDELL, YOU THOUGHT THIS FILM WAS MEDIOCRE.  THIS REVIEW IS NOT THE REVIEW YOU'D GIVE TO A MOVIE THAT YOU RATE A "10" ON A SCALE OF 1-10!>>>

<<<YOU'RE WRONG, SLIGHTLY MORE RECENT ALEX!  YOU'RE FORGETTING HOW MANY THINGS ALEX OF THE PAST LOVED ABOUT THE FILM.  YOU'LL REMEMBER AGAIN, IN ABOUT 2.5 MONTHS, WHEN YOU'RE ME, AND YOU WRITE THIS REVIEW.>>>

Still, I can't help feeling this nearly retarded like innocence may make his turn to the dark side that much more gut-wrenching in the second and third installments. 

<<<QUIT TRYING TO JUSTIFY EVERYTHING YOU HATED ABOUT THIS MOVIE WITH STUPID COMMENTS ABOUT HOW MUCH BETTER YOU'LL LIKE THE OTHER INSTALLMENTS DUE TO HOW MUCH YOU DIDN'T LIKE THIS ONE.>>>

<<<WOW, I'D HATE TO GET ON MY BAD SIDE.>>>

<<<THE ONLY THING "GUT-WRENCHING" ABOUT THE SECOND AND THIRD INSTALLMENTS, UNLESS LUCAS LETS SOMEBODY ELSE WRITE THEM, IS HOW LAME THEY WILL BE.>>>

<<<I TAKE IT YOU HADN'T READ THE SCRIPT YET, WHEN YOU WROTE THAT.  EPISODE II, IF IT HOLDS UP, AND DOESN'T GO THROUGH DRAMATIC CHANGES BEFORE HITTING THE SCREEN NEXT MAY, IS GOING TO BE SO GOOD, I'LL MAKE ME EAT YOUR WORDS!>>>

<<<I MEAN, DID YOU HEAR THE NAME OF THE NEW STAR WARS?  BEING THAT THIS WAS 2 YEARS AGO, I'M GUESSING NOT.>>>

<<<QUIT BRAGGING ABOUT BEING THE "NEW" ME, CUZ YOU'RE NOT.  I'M NEWER THAN YOU, AND YOU'RE JUST A BUNCH OF OUT-OF-DATE THOUGHTS ON A WEBPAGE!>>>

<<<WELL, THE NAME IS, "STAR WARS:  EPISODE 2 - ATTACK OF THE CLONES".  WHAT KIND OF NAME IS THAT?>>>

<<<IT'S A FUN NAME.  YOU DIDN'T KNOW IT YET, BUT ONLY ABOUT ONE WEEK AFTER WRITING THE COMMENT ABOVE, YOU REALLY STARTED DIGGING THAT NAME, AND LOVING ITS CHEESINESS.  I BELIEVE IT HAD SOMETHING TO DO WITH HOW MUCH IT PISSED OFF THIS ONE NERD YOU HATE.  I DUNNO, SOMETHING LIKE THAT.>>>

<<<WHAT'S NEXT?  "STAR WARS:  EPISODE 3 - ATTACK OF THE FIFTY FOOT CLONE"?  THIS IS LUDICROUS.>>>

<<<THAT COMMENT WAS SO FUNNY, YOU WENT ON TO DO AN ENTIRE UPDATE BASED ON IT.  YOU CAN READ IT, IF YOU WANT, BY CLICKING HERE.  IT'S GOT A TITLE GRAPHIC THAT YOU'LL END UP BEING PRETTY PROUD OF, ACTUALLY.>>>

Without question, both the fart joke and "doo-doo" comment could definitely have been done without (although neither are that big a deal).

<<<NOT REALLY, UNLESS YOU COUNT THE FACT THAT THEY ARE THAT BIG A DEAL.>>>

<<<I AGREE WITH BOTH ME'S ON THIS ONE.  THE FART JOKE IS A BIG DEAL, THE "DOO-DOO" COMMENT IS NOT.>>>

Yet, for every groan of a joke (Jar Jar getting his tongue caught in Anakin's pod),

<<<ALEX OF THE PRESENT KIND OF THINKS THAT'S FUNNY, AND HE SEEMS TO REMEMBER YOU, ALEX OF THE PAST, LAUGHING AT IT WAY BACK WHEN YOU FIRST SAW IT AT THE THEATER.  YOU SHOULD ALWAYS BE HONEST, BECAUSE SOMEDAY I'M GOING TO CALL ME ON YOUR LYING.>>>

there's a genuinely funny moment (Sand People taking potshots at pod racers), and, for the most part, it's all in good fun.  

<<<NOW YOU SOUND LIKE ONE OF THOSE PEOPLE I DESPISE, WHO SAY, "IT DOESN'T NEED TO BE ROCKET SCIENCE, IT'S JUST MEANT TO ENTERTAIN YOU!">>>

<<<WHAT ELSE WAS IT MEANT TO DO?>>>

Not to mention, it's only a minor inconvenience in what is, in my opinion, the most sophisticated and adult plotline in the Star Wars series, up to this point.

<<<WHAT THE FUCK WAS I TALKING ABOUT?!!!!!???>>>

<<<I HAVE NO IDEA.  LET'S SAY WE WERE DRUNK, AND BLAME IT ON THAT.>>>

<<<WAS I MAD?>>>

<<<I THINK I WAS.>>>

<<<WHO PAID ME TO WRITE THAT LINE?>>>

<<<THAT'S THE WORST PART, YOU NEVER GOT PAID!>>>

<<<I CAN'T BELIEVE I SAID THAT!>>>

<<<NEITHER CAN I!>>>

<<<THE MOST "SOPHISTICATED AND ADULT" PLOTLINE IN THE STAR WARS SERIES?  I'LL NEVER LIVE THAT ONE DOWN.  I MUST HAVE JUST GOTTEN LAID, OR SOMETHING.  PLEASE, DEAR READERS, FORGIVE ME FOR MY SINS.  THE PHANTOM MENACE IS THE LEAST SOPHISTICATED, AND MOST CHILDISH PLOTLINE OF THE FOUR STAR WARS' MOVIES.>>>

<<<HE'S RIGHT ON THAT ONE, READERS.  I STILL CAN'T FIGURE OUT WHY HE CALLED YOU "DEAR", THOUGH.>>>

<<<I KNEW NOT WHAT I DID.>>>

<<<I DIDN'T.  REALLY.>>>

<<<I WAS HYPNOTIZED BY HYPE (AND PASSIONATE SEX AT LEAST 3 TIMES A DAY).>>>

<<<WITH AN UGLY FAT CHICK, BUT SHE HAD BIG BOOBS, AND COULD PUT HER FEET BEHIND HER HEAD, WHILE MAKING LOVE, WHICH SORT OF MADE UP FOR IT.>>>

<<<EVEN THROUGH THE EROTIC LOVE-MAKING,>>>

<<<"EROTIC" MEANING SHE COULD PUT HER FEET BEHIND HER HEAD.>>>

<<<I REALIZED, THE SECOND TIME I SAW THIS PILE OF CRAP, HOW WRONG I WAS.  SINCE 1999, I HAVE NEVER REVIEWED A SEQUEL (WITH EXCEPTION MADE FOR SCARY MOVIE 2, WHICH I COULDN'T SIT THROUGH AGAIN IF YOU PAID ME) WITHOUT SEEING IT TWICE, SO I DIDN'T MAKE THIS SAME MISTAKE AGAIN.  I AM SO ASHAMED.  I WOULD GO TO CONFESSION, BUT THE PRIEST WOULD LAUGH ME OUT OF THE CONFESSIONAL.>>>

<<<AND NOT BEING A CATHOLIC SORT OF GETS IN THE WAY OF THE WHOLE CONFESSIONAL THING, TOO.>>>

When all is said and done, after all the hype, ads and Taco Bell value meals, The Phantom Menace is an amazing film, and a wonderful start to an incredible saga . . . fart jokes, and all.

<<<THIS IS JUST TOO HUMILIATING.>>>

<<<ONLY BECAUSE I HAD TO INCLUDE THAT, "FART JOKES, AND ALL" LINE.  D'OH!>>>

What does it make you feel like eating?

Ugly dead frogs that hang from street vendors ceilings.

What are you selling us here???

Like you need to ask.   

If it won an Oscar, what would it be?

"Best digital effects . . . ever" - The Phantom Menace <<<NOT EVEN CLOSE>>><<<YES IT EVEN IS.>>>

On a scale of 1-10?

10 <<<NEW RATING:  6.  EVEN THAT'S PROBABLY TOO HIGH, BUT THERE WERE SOME REALLY COOL SCENES THAT BEAT THE SHIT OUT OF A LOT OF THE CRAP THAT PASSED ITSELF OFF AS ENTERTAINMENT THIS SUMMER.>>><<<HA!  NOW WHO'S SHOWING THEIR TRUE COLORS?  IT'S OBVIOUS THAT YOU LIKED IT.  NEW, AND FINAL RATING: 9.>>>

Which of the three opinions do YOU agree with? Which review do you prefer?  The red, the blue or the black?  Can you put your legs behind your head, while you're having sex?  Email me your answers at alex@juicycerebellum.com

Text (Copyright) 1999/2001 Alex Sandell [All Rights Reserved]. If you copy this, without my permission, or even copy the "juicy" format, I'll send NATO after you!

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