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Quickie Reviews:
"Sometimes a 'quick one' is all that you need"
Written by:  Alex Sandell

American Pie 

When this was released, everyone kept spouting off about how it was, "just like Porky's."  What the collective failed to mention was that Porky's, no matter how much sexual nostalgia one may have for it, sucked (no pun intended).  Unlike Porky's, American Pie is pretty damn funny, with some moments being downright hilarious; but like a teenage love affair, the good stuff is over too fast or isn't worth waiting for.  Yet, like casual sex, you'll have a fun time with this film, even if you do regret it in the morning.

7 juicy squirts out of 10.

Analyze This

Like American Pie, this was another comedy that had me wondering what everybody thought was so god damn funny.  Also, like American Pie, it has a few good moments, but they aren't worth sitting through all of the bad, to see.  Robert De Niro sucks so hard in this film, I thought his lips would be sticking out through his rectum by the end.  I've never seen fake crying that is so incredibly . . . fake.  Maybe that was meant to be funny.  It wasn't.

5 juicy squirts out of 10.

Bone Collector, The

Denzel Washington lies around in a bed wanting to die because he has seizures.  Not exactly an upper of a film, especially if you're an epileptic, like myself.  Has some good gory parts that made girls go "eww."  The suspense sucks, and the ending is lifted straight out of the worst episode of Scooby-Doo ever made.  Should have shown Angelina Jolie's tits.

5 juicy squirts out of 10


Although it takes it's own precious time to get to them, once Eddie Murphy's alter-ego kicks in, this movie has moments of pure hilarity.  Not to mention, some great, if slightly restrained, satire regarding the Scientology cult.  Steve Martin (writes and co-stars with Murphy) actually still has a funny bone.  Who woulda thunk?

7 juicy squirts out of 10

Chicken Run

A family film in the truest sense of the word.  This is a movie the entire family will enjoy, not just the 5 and under set.  Winking its eye at cultural diversity, and the animosity that oftentimes goes along with it, was a clever move, and makes for some of the best jokes in the film.  The English covering up feelings of inferiority by denouncing the "Yanks" and the "Yanks'" cockiness (pardon the pun) and naivety of other cultures are both put on vivid display here, all for the sake of a few good laughs.  Then there's the romance, the sexuality (yes, sexuality - with chickens!) and the violence.  Throw in a good dash of action, an inspired scene straight out of Indiana Jones' 101, in particular, and you have the ingredients for one of the most entertaining animated movies in years.  An over-abundance of failed escape scenes drag the film down a bit.  Watching a few dozen chickens trying to escape from their "prison" is only amusing so many times, before it starts seeming like filler-material.  This petty complaint aside, Nick Park, the claymation genius behind short-films such as Wallace & Gromit and Creature Comforts, is off to a great start with his first full-length animated movie.  Now let's just hope he doesn't keep us waiting too long for a full-length Wallace & Gromit movie. 

8 juicy squirts out of 10

Cookie's Fortune

Robert Altman, who seemed to mysteriously lose his knack for filmmaking after directing 1993's brilliant Short Cuts, makes it halfway back to a comeback with his most recent film, Cookie's Fortune. The film, which passed itself off to audiences as a mystery, actually reveals Cookie's killer within the first 30 minutes of screen-time, and then spends the next 90 letting us get to know the kooky residents of a close-knit Southern community.  With exception to Chris O'Donnell, who should stick with his rubber-suit and codpiece, the cast is fun to watch, and each play their part with an effervescent charm that is damn near contagious.  Although it moves along at a fast enough pace, Anne Rapp's screenplay never quite works as a straightforward comedy, and the actors seem as though they're putting on performances tailor-made for a far better movie.

6 juicy squirts out of 10 

Galaxy Quest

Outside of the fact that this film was originally going for a PG-13 or R rating, and then Spielberg (who runs Dreamworks) decided to have it edited down to a PG at the LAST MINUTE, and this fast editing job looks pretty choppy, Galaxy Quest is damn near perfect.  The comedy is decent, even though it's a little used.  The action is all in good fun, even if you've seen slight variations of it somewhere before.  What makes Galaxy Quest the wonderful trek (get it?  "Trek?") that it is, is the childhood fantasy of finding out that all of your heroes are actually real.  This is a premise that even the most cynical among us could fall in love with, and, by the end of the movie, Galaxy Quest will have you out of your seats and cheering.  This is the kind of movie they invented popcorn for.

8 juicy squirts out of 10 (2 points deducted for slow intro. and bad editing)

General's Daughter, The

This is exactly what I predicted it was going to be; yet another "true-justice" type thriller produced for the general public to gawk at, without feeling "dirty."  Most of The General's Daughter is by-the-numbers, but a few scenes are such clever rip-offs, they're nearly intriguing.  The brief moments John Travolta and  James Woods try to one-up, compliment, and simultaneously insult one-another are in a grandiose Tom Cruise/Jack Nicholson "Few Good Men" style that demands that you be compelled, even if you know there's probably a more intriguing interrogatory storyline on this afternoon's Judge Judy.  As for the feline factor, Madeleine Stowe comes off as the lamest leading lady since Betty Rubble, and there really aren't that many other women in the picture.  At the same time, James Cromwell, James Woods and Timothy Hutton seem to believe they're actually in a quality film, even though they must know this is fluff for the inbred masses.  Either way, I can't say I was disappointed with The General's Daughter, because I expected big-budget drivel, and big-budget drivel is what I received.  As sick as it may be, I'm going to recommend this one as a rental; if only for the Woods/Travolta scenes.  If you're into the technical side of a film, please note that Simon West, the "brains" behind the camera, has got to be the worst director that ever lived.  The naked dead chick is pretty sexy though, for being dead, and everything.

6 juicy squirts out of 10   

Girl, Interrupted

This movie starts and ends in the same place - nowhere.  Who are these people?  Why should I care about them?  Outside of a few flashbacks Winona Ryder (playing Susanna) has (which are all conveniently forgotten about within 20 minutes of the film), we get no background on anyone.  It's as if we're expected to believe each of these nutty fucks were delivered by a stork, without reason, to the mental ward, never to be released again.  What drove these people to such a desolate place?  What drove James Mangold to write and direct such a meandering film?  I must confess that I have not read the novel, upon which this movie is based, and I'm guessing a lot of the questions I, and everyone I have talked to about the movie Girl, Interrupted, have asked are answered between its pages.  Still, not one of us were advised that this movie was merely a companion piece to some depressed rich kid's desolate fantasy.  I feel this movie is a bleak, unwelcoming Cliffnote to something far more profound.  I'm generally an avid reader, and I will most likely give in and buy the novel, but, without it, I wouldn't pay to see this film if somebody paid me to do so . . . take that to your therapy session, and smoke it.  Should have shown Angelina Jolie's tits.

5 juicy squirts out of 10


This is Doug Liman's follow-up to the comedy classic, Swingers.  On its own, it's not a bad film, but as a follow-up to a movie as flawless as Swingers, this movie is weak, baby.  One other thing:  we've all seen Pulp Fiction, it was a good movie - now, can we move on?

6 juicy squirts out of 10

Green Mile, The

There's only one thing wrong with The Green Mile; its Oscar-baiting.  All the thunderous music, slow-motion camera work and exploding lights get a little tiresome.  Taken as a whole, this a pretty petty complaint when put up against all that is good in The Green Mile.  It's a testament to how mesmerizing this film is when the main character states, nearly 3 hours into the film, "sometimes the Green Mile can seem so long," and no one in the audience even lets out a snicker.  This movie moves so fast, I actually wish they would have taken another 30 minutes to include a portion of the novel they omitted (it was one of my favorite subplots).  When you find yourself thinking three hours wasn't quite long enough, you know you've got a good film on your hands.  Even though the Oscar-baiting gets incredibly tiring, this is one mile worth walking.  

7 juicy squirts out of 10


If this movie wasn't such a rip-off of Robert Altman's superior Short Cuts, it would probably go down as one of my favorites of 1999.  I really did savor most of the film, although it started dragging heavily in the third hour. Magnolia is a slice of everyday life, with a small miracle or two, thrown in.  There is a scene right near the end of the movie that you will either love or hate, but will never forget.  I haven't been so startled, both literally and figuratively, by a "movie moment" in years.  This "almost" climax makes up for the boredom that begins nipping at your toes during hour number three.  Paul Thomas Anderson doesn't quite match the greatness of his last film, Boogie Nights, but comes damn close, and that's good enough.

8 juicy squirts out of 10

Me, Myself & Irene

Jim Carrey's long-overdue return to comedy is, well, obviously still coming. Me, Myself & Irene teams the Farrelly brothers (the minds behind Dumb and Dumber and There's Something About Mary) back up with Carrey. Unfortunately, Dumb and Dumber, this ain't. The jokes are recycled from past Farrelly movies, the plot is convoluted, uninteresting and completely unbelievable, and there are more intriguing romances happening right now behind the bleachers of your local high school. The Farrelly's, who have obviously bought into their own "semen hair-gel" related hype, haven't really structured a story as much as they have strung together a bunch of fart jokes and other sordid material. Gross can be funny, but only if there's something behind the crudity to make it work. Carrey's gift for performing physical comedy actually saves this film from being a complete disaster, and winds up turning it into something more like an Amtrak derailment, with only minor injuries.  That's not a train ride I'd pay $8.50 to be a passenger on.

5 Juicy squirts out of 10

Notting Hill

Some damn funny scenes.  Worth renting for a good laugh and a decent romance.  

7 juicy squirts out of 10

Talented Mr. Ripley, The

After finding out it was directed by the Anti-Christ who made The English Patient, which I consider to be the worst film ever made, I passed this movie up three times, before breaking down and seeing it.  Amazingly enough, Anthony Minghella, AKA Satan, pulled a fairly good movie out of his bright red devil ass.  It's apparent, right off the bat, that Minghella is up to his old tricks, showing us long, sweeping shots of pretty places in foreign lands, but this time he's actually got a fairly good story shoved somewhere in-between exotic locale number 1 and culturally significant landmark number 2.  Although he's no Hitchcock, he sure tries his best to be, and he actually gives us adequate suspense, good character development and an intriguing little thriller.  The biggest problem?  Is it just me, or was Mr. Ripley just a tad more evil in the book?  Talk about playing the sympathy card.  But, other than that, and the two, yes, TWO, scenes of pigeons (or were they doves?) flying in front of the camera to try and make things look really "artsy," this is a movie well worth the price of admission.  Satan, you won me over . . . bastard.

7 juicy squirts out of 10

Toy Story 2

Fairly entertaining, but doesn't come CLOSE to the first one, which was a classic.  If I hear one more person telling me that this is BETTER than part one, I'll . . . well, I can't say what I'll do, because I'd probably get arrested just for saying it.  Go to the stupid movie, but watch part one again, beforehand, so your forgetfulness doesn't cause you to say stupid things like, "I even liked that better than the first one!"  Trust me, like admitting you get off on putting your own finger inside of your butt, saying this is better than TS1 is the kind of thing you'll never live down.  That said, the film is still a fucking animated classic! 

9 juicy squirts out of 10

Agree?  Disagree?  I'm hear to listen (or laugh my ass off over your horrible taste)!  Email me at alex@juicycerebellum.com  

(Copyright) 2000 Alex Sandell [All Rights Reserved]. If you copy this, without my permission, I'll give you a juicy squirt of acid, and laugh as your face melts.

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