"The Beach"
Review written by: Alex Sandell


All these muscles, and no
where to go.

What's the story?

Leo gets a map from some nutcase and takes off with a couple of his buddies to find a mythical Island paradise.  Unfortunately, Leo and company weren't the first to find this "paradise," and the odd community of freaks who got their before them don't exactly throw out a welcoming mat.

So how is it? (Get to the point, already)

Mr. Boyle, can I stick the fork in you, now?  You're done. What a rancid piece of work this movie is. Danny Boyle, a director who showed great potential in Trainspotting, and his debut film, Shallow Grave, has stumbled, once again (his first foray into failure was A Life Less Ordinary).  Mr. Boyle seems lost as to whether he should focus his attention on breathing life into a book he chose to adapt for the screen (as he did so well in Trainspotting), or turn a novel into an MTV video suited to please the Hollywood hotshots.  In the end he didn't have to waste his time trying to decide . . . he fails on both accounts.

The only thing this film really focuses on is not being focused.  The first 30 minutes, or so, are intriguing enough, and it's obvious that the ego formally known as Leonardo DiCaprio has pulled another talented performance out of his spoiled-brat of an ass, but once things get to the island, things start to draaaaaaaaaaaag.  

When the film finally stops boring us with an hour long onslaught of pretty trees, clear water, and tanned bodies, it just becomes this really weird combination of Lord of the Flies and the last 30 minutes of Apocalypse Now.  Being that The Beach is trying so hard to cater toward, well . . . everyone, it does neither of the aforementioned films justice, and ends up an embarrassing disaster that should have been "beached" while in pre-production. 

What are you selling us here???

Personal trainers. 

If it won an Oscar, what would it be?

"Most Deceptive Advertising Campaign Ever Created" - The Beach

On a scale of 1-10?

2

Agree? Disagree? Need free counseling from an unlicensed movie junkie? Email me at alex@juicycerebellum.com, I want to hear any and all opinions on this film! 

Like movies?   LOVE THEM?  Want the inside-scoop, cranky criticism and Juicy movie news, before the rest of the world?  Sign up for the daily More On Movies Newsletter by simply sending an email to alex@juicycerebellum.com saying "Midgets Love Movies!"  Remember, the last word on film, is Juicy!  

Text (Copyright) 2000 Alex Sandell [All Rights Reserved]. I'm too sick with this super-flu thing to think of a copyright notice.

Photo Copyright 2000 Fox Entertainment [All Rights Reserved]

Back to The Juicy Cerebellum