Testosterone 2000:
The Juicy Cerebellum's
Summer Movie Preview
Written by:  Alex Sandell

This summer is, without a doubt, the summer of Testosterone.  The big event films all feature lots of muscles, lots of fighting and lots of blood.  To be honest, the only estrogen that will be in theaters this season will be the lucky ladies us guys drag along with us to the movies.  Estrogen is neat, because it makes tits.  Did anyone else here know girls can grow long hairs out of their nipples?  It's a freaky thing.  The nipples look like two big warts with hairs growing out of them.  Icky.  Anyway, I got sort of sidetracked.  As I was saying . . . it is the summer of "macho."  Here's my predictions for what will "muscle" out what, and why it will do it. 

May 5th

Plot:  Russell Crowe avenges his family by cutting women in half and fighting one of River Phoenix's brothers.  
Will it be good?:  Being that I've already watched this one (one hell of a preview, eh?), I can answer with a resounding YES!  This movie definitely puts style above substance, but the style is substantial.  Definitely a great way to kick off the summer.
Will it make money?:  Cursed with a 2.5 hour length and slapped with an "R" rating, it may not fare as well as it could, but I definitely think it will top the 100-million mark.  

I Dreamed of Africa -
Plot:  Kim Basinger dreams of Africa, and stuff.  
Will it be good?:  As if.
Will it make money?:  Let me put it this way; if Basinger and Baldwin keep picking crap like this to star in, they're going to end up on welfare.

May 12th

Battlefield Earth -
Plot:  John Travolta plays an evil alien that starts a cult, or something.
Will it be good?:  Nothing has looked this crappy since that He-Man movie they put out back in the eighties.
Will it make money?:  About as much as that crappy He-Man movie they put out back in the eighties.

Center Stage -
Plot:  A bunch of kids dance around in tights and fall in love with each other.  
Will it be good?:  Is ballet exciting?  
Will it make money?:  Being that the theaters are being BOMBARDED with movies for men, this could draw in an estrogen-starved female crowd, and maybe some gay guys.  I still somehow doubt it will do much at the box-office, unless the male dancers are required to remain erect throughout their performance(s).

Hamlet -
Plot:  People try to confuse you by talking funny.
Will it be good?:  No.  Shakespeare movies, especially those that "update" the bard by throwing him into the 20th century, are usually lame.  
Will it make money?:  No.  I'm convinced that the year 2000 will be the year that people finally figure out that Shakespeare kind of, totally sucks.  Or should I say, "suckeths?"

Held Up -
Plot:  I think it has something to do with a hold up.
Will it be good?:  I doubt it.  The plot sounds fucking retarded.
Will it make money?:  Maybe.  I'd lean toward the "no" end of things, but The Jamie Foxx Show is still pretty popular, and black folk will probably pick this over some mutha-fuckin' honkey movie about cultists in space, any day.

Screwed -
Plot:  A dog-napping scheme goes out of control.  (Haven't seen that one before.)
Will it be good?:  50/50 chance.  Danny DeVito and Norm Macdonald can both be pretty funny sometimes when they're not being totally unfunny.  Scott Alexander and Larry Karaszewski are excellent screenwriters (they did The People vs Larry Flynt, Ed Wood and Man on the Moon), but this movie, at least in the trailers, looks dumb.  Not dumb in a good way, but dumb as in, "this fucking thing is gonna suck."  Keep your fingers crossed.
Will it make money?:  Depends on which kind of "dumb" it ends up being.

Went to Coney Island on a Mission From God . . . Be Back by Five -
Plot:  Two childhood friends go to find this other childhood friend that might be a homeless weird-o. 
Will it be good?:  I think probably most likely it will be.  With a name like that, how could it NOT be?  It's already been awarded with junk saying that they think it's worth the junk it's being awarded, so I guess it must not be junkie, maybe it just features one.  (Sorry, couldn't resist.)
Will it make money?:  Probably not.  Most strange movies that are good usually don't.  Expect to hear me whining and bitching about how you all need to go see this movie, once I get into proper "crusade" mode.

May 19th

Dinosaur -
Plot:  The hero dinosaur thingie doesn't fit in with the other dinosaurs and the leader of his group doesn't understand him, and gets upset when . . . blah, blah, blah.  If you've seen one Disney animated movie, you've seen them all.
Will it be good?:  Yes.  If you've seen one Disney animated movie, you've seen that they are always nearly as good as the one that you just saw before.  Not to mention, that computer animation looks stunning.  Notice I didn't say "good," I said, "stunning," damnit.  
Will it make money?:  Was Walt Disney a Nazi?  This thing will gross a fortune.  

Road Trip -
Plot:  People go across the country and make sex jokes.
Will it be good?:  It will be okay, I guess.  
Will it make money?:  Tom Green is pretty popular for doing stuff I've been doing for years, so it might be.  As an added bonus, I believe he still had two balls, when filming this picture!  Yippee!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Small Time Crooks -
Plot:  Woody Allen acts neurotic.
Will it be good?:  Of course.  Woody Allen movies are always good, and I've heard this one goes straight for the throat, when it comes to outrageous humor.
Will it make money?:  I hope so.  Dreamworks is putting it out, so there's a chance.  Woody Allen hasn't had a hit since the early eighties, or something, and I really, really, really hope this is time for his comeback.  Expect to hear me whining and bitching about how you all need to go see this movie, once I get into proper "crusade" mode.

May 24th

Mission Impossible 2 -
Plot:  Tom Cruise takes a percentage and makes a bundle.
Will it be good?:  It will be alright.  I can guarantee that it will go all out trying to one up the action sequences laid out in the original, but this is a risky move, and can oftentimes backfire (see The Spy Who Shagged Me.  Well, don't actually SEE it, since it sucks, just use it as an example).  Still, John Woo is directing it, which is a good thing, and it's got a pretty kick ass cast (yes, even BETTER than Emilio Estevez!).  All in all, I'd say it's a pretty good bet that it will be decent, no brain, summer entertainment.
Will it make money?:  Oh GAWD yes!  Lots and lots and lots of money.  I will remind anyone reading this that worked on Mission Impossible 2 that they can send a portion of the huge gobs of cash they receive to Alex Sandell @ PO Box 331 Alexandria MN 56308.  While you're at it, could you give me a cameo in the third?  I'd like to play something kinky, like a transvestite spy using a hidden camera in my ass to get a good shot of Tom Cruise's lips.  Thanks rich Hollywood folks with huge gobs of cash.  

May 26th

Shanghai Noon -
Plot:  Some stuff involving China and the Old West.  I think it's supposed to be funny.
Will it be good?:  No.  Jackie "he does his own stunts!" Chan's shtick can only stay "cute" for so long.  And who the hell is that other dork that's partnering up with him?  
Will it make money?:  It'll make a little, but it will be below studio expectations.  Going up against Mission Impossible 2, and trying to suck in the same audience, is commercial suicide.  This thing has Wild Wild West written all over it.  Did I mention Jackie Chan does his own stunts?

8 1/2 Women -
Plot:  Some guy and some kid start a Harem.  Neat.
Will it be good?:  Probably not.  
Will it make money?:  Maybe in Finland, or some other place that likes boring movies with actual plots and lots of nudity.  Us dumb Americans will still be sitting in theaters watching Mission Impossible 2.  I'm sure that, by the third viewing, we'll even be able to figure out the bad guy's motive. 

June 2nd

Big Momma's House -
Plot:  Martin Lawrence plays an FBI agent who poses as a big fat old lady to protect a single mother from a convict of some sort.  
Will it be good?:  Yep.  I haven't really liked most movies Martin Lawrence is in, but this one looks funny, in an Ace Ventura sort of way.  I will go to it and I will laugh at the fart jokes.  
Will it make money?:  Yep.  There's an African-American drought from May 13th until June 1st, and this movie will quench a lot of black people's celluloid thirsts.  I can't wait for the day when there's no such thing as a "black movie" and all we have are MOVIES (minus the riots).   CAN'T WE ALL JUST GET ALONG?  (I just put that part in to be Politically Correct.  Really, I don't give a shit, either way.)

Running Free -
Plot: The story of a horse through the horse's eyes, or close to it.
Will it be good?:  It'll be good in that way that things about animals have to be good or else we feel like bad humans for not liking animals.  At the same time, how many shots of a beautiful horse can a person see before beautiful turns into boring?  That was sort of profound.
Will it make money?:  Only enough to ease our animal-loving consciences.    

June 9th

Gone in 60 Seconds -
Plot:  People steal cars and race around and stuff.  MOTORHEADS REJOICE!
Will it be good?:  FUCK NO!  I read some of the script to this and it's just a big, dumb, loud Bruckheimer (Top Gun, Con Air, Days of Thunder and other poop movies) production.  Maybe I'll eat my words once I see it (the car chase is said to be "amazing"), but I highly doubt it. 
Will it make money?:  Nicolas Cage is a has-been, 20-million dollar paycheck, or not.  The guy left ACTING behind for fame, and it's blowing up in his cocky face.  On the other hand (why must there always be two hands?) Angelina Jolie is very hot right now, and there ARE a lot of rednecks out there.  There's also not really any competition, at the time.  I'm gonna have to say it'll do alright, but won't be an earth shattering blockbuster, or anything. 

American Pimp -
Plot:  A documentary about pimps.
Will it be good?:  Probably.  As far as documentaries go. 
Will it make money?:  It won't make much money, but it probably cost less than a million to make, so it doesn't really matter.  I'm talking all "movie talk" now, when I refer to "a million" as chump change.  If I had a million dollars, I'd make a documentary about midget anal intercourse.  That would be nifty.

Groove -
Plot:  A night of raves.
Will it be good?:  Probably druggies will like it.  I hate raves.  If I liked raves, I'd make a documentary about midgets on Ecstasy and Acid.  Then they'd have anal intercourse.  
Will it make money?:  Depends on whether or not the druggies can get themselves out of bed on time for a matinee, before hitting the rave scene and thinking they're cool.  Not that I have anything against matinees. 

Love's Labours Lost -
Plot:  They spell "labours" wrong.  It's LABORS.  Damn foreigners spelling everything wrong.
Will it be good?:  Of all the Shakespeare related drivel that is spewing out of this summer's 3 month long orgy of junk, this seems like the best.  That means it will suck, but not totally.
Will it make money?:  Probably it might cuz film students will feel obligated to pretend that they like it.

Sunshine -
Plot:  Canada tries to make a movie.
Will it be good?:  Didn't I mention it was from Canada?
Will it make money?:  No.  We're used to quality films down here in America.

June 16th

Shaft -
Plot:  The nephew of Shaft has to be a sex machine with all the chicks. 
Will it be good?:  It could go either way.  I think it will be cheesy summer fun.  Better than that crap from Canada, anyway.
Will it make money?:  Hey, it's Shaft!

Titan A.E. -
Plot:  A big stupid cartoon thing where people leave earth and are bad animation and were advertised before The Phantom Menace last year. 
Will it be good?:  My sources say, "highly unlikely."  It looks like a pile of poop splattered across a white screen.  The animation is so lame.  If 20th Century Fuck would have maybe given Bluth a little more money, they could've came up with something extra crispy.  For now, we've just got a soggy mess without any special herbs and spices.  (Yes, I am hungry.)
Will it make money?:  No.  It'll bomb.  The first week will do okay, cuz all the geeks will go, then it will drop fast.

June 23rd

Chicken Run -
Plot:  Edible birds find out they're going to be ate by hungry humans (mmm . . . herbs and spices) and run like hell for all they're worth.
Will it be good?:  There's almost no way it can't be.  This movie's going to ROCK, I tell you.  Nick Park, the claymation genius behind the Wallace & Gromit films and other cool stuff like Creature Comforts is taking his clay-tastic comedy full-length, this time.  If he doesn't fuck it up, this movie will have people laughing so hard they might break something.
Will it make money?:  50/50.  It's hard to convince mainstream America to watch anything made out of clay, unless it's related to a green talking fag.  

Me, Myself and Irene -
Plot:  Jim Carrey becomes funny again.
Will it be good?:  I'd say there's about a 90% chance of this movie kicking ass.  Especially now that it got the R rating I was so hoping for.  Jim Carrey is funny when he talks out of his butt; especially when it's the "F" word.
Will it make money?:  Is Jim Carrey rich?

June 30th

The Adventures of Rocky and Bullwinkle -
Plot:  Rocky and Bullwinkle are called out of Frostbite Falls when Boris Badenov and Natasha Fatale enter the real world and start pulling their dirty tricks.  (Hey, back when Rocky and Bullwinkle was first put on tv, "dirty tricks" didn't sound quite so kinky.)
Will it be good?:  Robert DeNiro (playing the Fearless Leader) has definitely sunk to an all-time low.  What's up with this loser?  There HAD to of been a better part for him out there somewhere.  Will this movie be good, you ask?  About as good as Space Jam.  'Nuff said (sorry, I should have saved that for X-Men).
Will it make money?:  Do I ever hope not.  I hope so much not that I will say the word fuck out of my butt.  I just said it, but you couldn't hear me, because I am typing this.  Sorry.

The Patriot -
Plot:  Mel Gibson goes in a movie and pretends as hard as he can that it's not a sequel to Braveheart.
Will it be good?:  The people behind this film also brought us Stargate, Independence Day, Men in Black and Godzilla.  The only movie that was even tolerable out of those 4 was Men in Black, and that's mostly cuz that Will Smith guy can be really funny when he's not rapping.  This movie doesn't stand a chance at winning me over.  Maybe some of you patriots (get it?  "Patriots?") will go wild for it, but I know I'll be watching The Perfect Storm.
Will it make money?:  I think it's been advertised since early 1972, so I figure people will feel compelled to see it.  Whether it's a hit, or not, depends on whether or not it's any damn good. 

The Perfect Storm -
Plot:  It's based on that story of the Andrea Gail. I think it's about some guys that go fishing.  It might be a sequel to Three Kings.
Will it be good?:  I've heard nothing about this movie.  Based solely on the previews, I'd say this will be one of the best films of the summer.  It looks totally cool, and actually comes off as a summer movie with a brain and an American accent.  Clever, getting us Yanks to think over our popcorn with extra butter and five tablespoons of salt.  What's next?  Books???
Will it make money?:  Even though The Patriot is tough competition, I think that this one will prove to be the better movie, and will take in at least 100 million.  


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