Testosterone 2000:
The Juicy Cerebellum's
Summer Movie Preview
(isn't it just like summer to have a sequel?)
Written by:  Alex Sandell


July 7th  

Scary Movie -
Plot:  A parody of slasher movies.  
Will it be good?:  It sounds sort of funny.  I can't decide.  Ask me again after I've seen it.
Will it make money?:  Probably enough to make "Scarier Movie" and "Scariest Movie Yet."

July 12th

Disney's The Kid -
Plot:  Bruce Willis meets the kid version of himself and the kid version isn't very pleased with what big Bruce has become.  I think there's a subplot about a terrorist that takes a bunch of office workers hostage at a Christmas party and forces Bruce to run around with a machine gun.  
Will it be good?:  Maybe if you're having sex while watching it.  And if you're drunk.  And if you're in the wrong theater, and are actually watching something else.  
Will it make money?:  Probably a small enough wad of cash to keep Disney spewing out more crap just like it.  Not a huge hit, but somewhere in the vicinity of 50-70 million.

July 14th

Chuck & Buck
Plot:  Some guy meets an old childhood friend (seems to be sort of a theme) and the childhood friend is all childlike.  
Will it be good?:  Being that a lot of people working on it were behind the classic (and quickly cancelled) tv show, Freaks and Geeks, I'm guessing this movie will be so damn great it'll make you cum.  
Will it make money?:  Not if it suffers from the Freaks and Geeks curse.  (How could the BEST new show on tv be cancelled, while, at the same time, Who Wants to Fuck a Millionaire Before Getting an Annulment at Twenty-One is a gigantic hit?)

Numbers -
Plot:  A bunch of people scam the lottery.  John Travolta tries to save face after Battlefield Earth.
Will it be good?:  Nora Ephron, the "genius" behind big-screen sap such as Michael, You've Got Mail and Hanging Up is behind the camera, and that's really all I need to know to know this is going to blow.  
Will it make money?:  Being that it's basically the only real "chick flick" out there this summer, it might actually make enough to remind me why humans are too dumb to not go extinct.

X-Men -
Plot:  The movie that my friend Jeff and I talked about over a decade ago, on his mother's roof, while smoking frozen cigarettes and admitting for the first time that we masturbate, is finally a reality.
Will it be good?:  I really, really want this one to work.  I want it to be good soooooooooooooo badly, that I feel like just saying it will be, and crossing my fingers tighter than a nun crosses her legs when she forgets her undies during Sunday's service.  Yet, I can't lie to myself, and the truth is . . . it looks idiotic.  Wolverine looks like a big redneck.  Everyone's costumes look kind of cheap and tacky.  The whole project basically comes off as very Batman and Robin.  I hope I'm putting my foot in my mouth two months from now, when I finally get to see it.  *Fingers now crossing*
Will it make money?:  The first week it will inevitably bring in a shitload of cash.  I'm pretty sure Jeff and I weren't the only teenage boys sitting on rooftops and discussing how cool it would be to see the X-Men brought to life.  Being that the comic started in the sixties, I think, that's a lot of boys with high hopes.  If the movie lives up to them, it could be gigantic.  If it lets us all down, it will fail miserably, after the first week or two, and I will loathe the frozen cigarettes that I wasted on this celluloid fantasy.

July 21st

Loser -
Plot:  Two losers fall in love and discover the winner inside.  
Will it be good?:  I hope so, just cuz Greg Kinnear's in it, and, outside of As Good as it Gets, his movie career has never lived up to its promise.  I still think the whole thing sounds kind of cheesy, and I'm hoping it comes off better on screen than it does on paper.  
Will it make money?:  I don't really know, cuz I don't really know anything about it.  I still think Kinnear should have stuck with late night TV and Talk Soup.

Mad About Mambo -
You have got to be kidding.

Pokemon the Movie 2000 -
Plot:  I dunno.  Something about trading cards at Burger King.  Doesn't anybody realize how stupid this "2000" crap is going to be when we get to another year like, say, 2001, 2002, 2003 . . .?  Yeah, there's a "2" instead of a "1" in the year we live in, get over it.
Will it be good?:  Oh, yes.  With such an original name, how could it not be?  I mean, they added the number "2000" to it!  Where do they come up with this stuff?
Will it make money?:  Being that it was bought from Japan for like fifty cents, I'm sure it couldn't lose any. 

What Lies Beneath -
Plot:  Some ghost needs Han Solo and Catwoman to help her find peace and quiet in the after-life by resolving a crime that ended up causing her death.
Will it be good?:  Indiana Jones has been in SUCH crappy movies lately, he's just gotta be in a good one, this time.  I mean, how many bad scripts can a multi-millionaire find for himself?  Even if he is trying to be in the worst movies possible, he's gotta screw up once and a while, and go in something kind of okay.
Will it make money?:  If not, both Catwoman and Jack Ryan are going to have to start looking for a new career.  It'll probably do pretty good.  Someone had to follow-up on that ghost movie craze of last year.  

July 26th

Thomas and the Magic Railroad -
Plot:  Trains talk and Alec Baldwin embarrasses himself even further.  
will it make money?:  No.  Sucky piles of crap usually don't.

July 28th

I Was Made to Love Her
Plot:  Chris Rock dies and then they find out he wasn't supposed to and then he needs to go back into his body, but his organs have been donated.  Remember, next time you check that little "organ donor" box, you just might pay for the rest of eternity.  What's next?  A movie asking us not to give blood, donate money, or recycle?  
Will it be good?:  There's a chance, just cuz Chris Rock is one funny fucking guy.  
Will it make money?:  Depends if one funny fucking guy can hold up a fairly crummy movie.  

Nutty Professor II:  The Klumps -
Plot:  Eddie Murphy comes out and tells the world, "hey, I'm desperate."  
Will it be good?:  Can Eddie Murphy turn down a sequel?
Will it make money?:  I hope not.  Depends on whether or not kids will like a sucky sequel to a remake as much as they liked a sucky remake.

August 4th

Coyote Ugly -
Plot:  The aforementioned Jerry Bruckheimer, producer of profitable junk, decides to rehash what he already did with Flashdance.  
Will it be good?:  NO WAY IN HELL.  This is the only movie this summer that looks so bad I'd rather dump my girlfriend than have to sit through this crappy film with her.
Will it make money?:  Depends on whether or not most guys are more pussy-whipped than I am.

Hollow Man -
Plot:  Director Paul Verhoeven promises that this "almost" remake of The Invisible Man will be as gross as gross-out movies can get.  Coming from the guy behind ultra-violent big-budget fun such as Robocop and Starship Troopers, I don't doubt him for a second, and I can't wait to see this movie.
Will it be good?: Will watching a man, in immense pain, peeling away, layer by layer, gross people out?  This movie should be right up there as one of the best, and bloodiest, of 2000.  
Will it make money?:  Probably.  Not Mission Impossible 2 level, but it should bring in some good cash, thanks to gore freaks such as myself.  

Space Cowboys -
Plot:  Three old guys star in what must be the worst titled movie in American history.
Will it be good?:  Clint Eastwood has been directing like crap, lately, so I don't know.  Let's just hope for an Unforgiven, not a Midnight in the Garden of Good and Evil.  Expect lots of old people sitting in the front row, pretending that they're not about to die, but rather, they're about to be SPACE COWBOYS!  Yeeeeeeeeeeeeeee-ha!!!  I guess, old guys flying around could be funny, if they play it that way.  If they make it all serious and stuff, it will probably suck.  Old people can be boring, and stinky.
Will it make money?:  Not unless the "Depends" can hold out.

The Tao of Steve -
Plot:  This fat guy gets all the chicks.
Will it be good?:  I'm pretty intrigued by what I've heard about this film.  I think it's going to be really cool.  Why should skinny guys have all the fun?  
Will it make money?:  Depends on whether or not it can tap into the fat-farm market, and if BBQ ribs and lots of free bibs are given away at the door.

August 11th

Bedazzled -
Plot:  The devil gives this nerd seven wishes in exchange for his soul.  What, is August 11th, "been there, done that" day, or something?
Will it be good?:  I have no idea.  I didn't even hear of it until I wrote this update.
Will it make money?:  See above.

Bait -
Plot:  A black felon reluctantly teams up with a white federal agent and comedy hijinks ensue.  "Been there, done that" day is confirmed.  
Will it be good?:  No.  I'm so fucking sick of this plot, I'd rather watch something from Canada.  
Will it make money?:  Another 50/50.  As I said somewhere above, Jamie Foxx is pretty popular, so he might bring people in.  

Godzilla 2000 -
Plot:  In a "buy one get one free" deal, America gets Godzilla 2000 along with its Pokemon 2000 purchase.  Bill Clinton decides trade relations are working just swell.
Will it be good?:  It's a guy in a rubber suit in like the 7,000th sequel to a movie that sucked in the first place.  Obviously August 11th really is "been there, done that" day.
Will it make money?:  Enough to pay off that rubber suit.

August 18th

Bring it On -
Plot:  Cheerleaders compete and stuff.  It's a teen thing.  I think it's supposed to be like a second-hand Ferris Bueller's Day Off.  
Will it be good?:  Probably not, but I'll see it anyway, since Eliza Dushku, Faith on Buffy the Vampire Slayer and Angel is in it.  Damn, I wanna fuck that girl.  Right after she spanks me, and calls me a bitch.  Mmm . . . Faaaaaaaaaaaaaaith.
Will it make money?:  I think if they advertise it on just the right shows (Dawson's Creek, Buffy, whatever else the WB is currently airing), it could be a sleeper.

The Cell -
Plot:  Jennifer Lopez gets inside the head of a comatose serial killer.  I wonder how her ass fits in there?
Will it be good?:  If it's as "groundbreaking" as they keep claiming it is, it could be a cool thriller.  I'm still thinking it's gonna turn out to be another Silence of the Lambs rip-off.
Will it make money?:  Maybe, if they play up the sex and violence, and show big Latino butts in the ads.  

August 25th

The Crew -
Plot:  Lovable Mobsters do funny things.
Will it be good?:  No.  I'm pretty damn sick of "lovable" mobsters.  It's a fucking oxymoron.  There's nothing cute or funny about serial killers in suits.  
Will it make money?:  Not unless the mob starts breaking legs and forcing people to sit through it.  I think they're probably too busy killing innocent kids with their drugs, to waste their time with that.  Plus, it might mess up their hair.

The Replacements -
Plot:  Some football thing.  It's based on a true story.  Basically A League of their Own without PMS.
Will it be good?:  It'll be typical.  It might be good in that, "normal people really CAN be heroes" sort of way.
Will it make money?:  If it strikes the right nerve.

Texas Rangers -
Plot:  Young Guns with the stars of the WB.  
Will it be good?:  I kind of like Westerns when they don't suck.  I think this will have a cheesy fun sort of feel to it.  
Will it make money?:  It's time for Westerns to make a minor comeback, so I think it will.

Hey!  Any movie fans out there, email me your comments on this update.  I wanna know which movies YOU'RE looking forward to, or dreading.  The rest of you can email me, too, I guess.  alex@juicycerebellum.com

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The stuff on this page is 2000 Alex Sandell [All Rights Reserved].  Copy this, without my permission, and I'll shave your head and use it as my toilet paper.