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Scary Movie 2
Review written by: Alex Sandell


"You mean we still have the fart joke, puke joke,
shit joke, masturbation joke and tampon joke to
go, after we're done with this juvenile sex joke?!?" 

What's the story?:

Scary Movie 2 is to The Haunting as Scary Movie was to Scream.  

So, how is it? (Get to the point, already.)

It took 7 people to write the script to Scary Movie 2.  It also took 2 Wayans brothers to star in it, and 1 more Wayans to direct.  Based on Scary Movie, and Scary Movie 2, it appears that the Wayans, especially director Keenen Ivory, are growing less talented, and more imbecilic by the year.  Keenen Ivory Wayans was the mind behind the fabulous skit show, In Living Color, and, at one time, was thought destined to go onto a great career in film.  Marlon Wayans made a critically acclaimed dramatic turn in the 2000 drug film, Requiem for a Dream, and it looked, albeit briefly, that he was about to become a credible actor taking on serious roles.  Shawn Wayans played "Robo" in an episode of MacGyver, and, well, let's not talk about Shawn.  All this potential, and cameos on MacGyver, and then came Scary Movie, and the Wayans gave it all up, in the name of semen, shit, gas, puke, masturbation, dicks, tits, ass, cunts and the lucrative idea that, if you come up with a good enough concept, and advertise it just right, a tremendously bad film can perform extraordinarily well at the box office.

I was one of the many people that bought into the concept of the first Scary Movie, enthusiastically waiting in line to buy a ticket, only to be let down by the final product.  As an avid fan of "spoof" type films, especially classics like Airplane and Kentucky Fried Movie, and as an avid fan of horror flicks, I thought Scary Movie sounded like the best thing since Playboy announced they were doing a second Voluptuous Vixens DVD.  I sat in my seat at the theater, clutching onto the stranger sitting next to me, and got ready to laugh harder than I had since George Bush Sr. proudly declared "four more years" immediately before losing the presidential election.  The film began, and I initially forced myself to laugh, hoping that I could courtesy giggle my way to the film I had been promised through smartly-edited television ads and movie trailers.  Within 15 minutes I realized that the Wayans brothers weren't aware of two exceedingly important things that filmmakers need to know when making a movie like Scary Movie:  1.)  gross-out humor doesn't necessarily have to be obtuse 2.) spoofing a scene from a movie involves more than simply remaking said scene and throwing in a few potty jokes.  With the Wayans realizing neither of these imperative tips of the trade, I left Scary Movie feeling a bit disenchanted.  When a sequel was announced a second or two after the opening weekend grosses came in, I hoped that the Wayans, and everyone else involved, would learn from their mistakes, and actually get it right this time.  Regrettably, the sequel is a simple rehash of the original, wrapped up in all the same mistakes, and misfires.  

Scary Movie 2 was rushed out quickly to capitalize on the success of the original film, and it feels that way.  The Wayans really whored themselves out with this one.  No effort at actual wit is made.  The jokes are so hackneyed, and the spoofs are so banal, that you almost feel as though the film was deliberately made just dreadful enough that everyone would hate it, and the creators could move on to better things, and never feel cash compelled to make a third Scary MovieIf there's any justice in this world, and if a Scary Movie 3 is ever made, hopefully the Wayans will be out on their asses and the creators of this kind of comedy, and the only ones who know how to do it right, will come in and whip this franchise into shape.  Are you listening, Jerry and David Zucker?

But pipe dreams about the good old days, when funny movies were actually funny won't get me anywhere.  This is a review of Scary Movie 2, not some imaginary Scary Movie that will never happen.  There is so little substance in the second Scary Movie, that the running time is surprisingly short, and the credits are already rolling before we've had a chance to get out of our seats, scream, "screw this," and insolently walk out of the theater.  At approximately one hour and ten minutes, this has to be the shortest live action movie of the summer, and I'm still left feeling that the editors needed to chop out about another 60 minutes, or so.  

This potential Best Sucky Live Action Short Film Oscar contender picks one of the worst "horror" movies to remake, by choosing the 1999 version of The Haunting, making me think that it would take too much brainpower, on the part of the Wayans, to satirize something with a semblance of a brain.  The people behind the movie, even those not from the Wayan family, literally seem to have forgotten that this was supposed to be a spoof on "scary" movies, and instead spend most of their time riffing on films such as Charlie's Angels, Mission Impossible 2 and Crouching Tiger, Hidden Dragon.  So, not only couldn't they make this film feature length, they couldn't fill it with enough horror-related cornball crap to stick to the original premise. 

Scary Movie 2 is about as humorous as taking a pair of your roommate's dirty underwear out of the laundry hamper, snapping a picture of them, and then uploading it to the 'net, for his girlfriend to see; and the plot is only half as complex as that devious prank.  You could count the clever lines or parodies in this movie all on one hand if you were a double amputee.  The more guttural parts of your subconscious will cause you to involuntarily let out a chuckle in certain parts of the film, the opening "spoof" on The Exorcist, in particular, but you'll hate yourself in the morning for doing so.   Scary Movie 2 can best be compared to a really bad hangover . . . one you waited an entire year for.  

What does it make you feel like eating?

After the dinner scene, you probably won't feel much like eating anything.

What are you selling us here???

There are some different brands of chips and Firestone tires, although I have my doubts Firestone would actually pay for a product placement like the one in this film.  

If it won an Oscar, what would it be?

"Proving, once again, that Ed Wood could be making millions, if only he was making movies today" - Scary Movie 2

On a scale of 1-10?

3 (for The Exorcist scene, and The Exorcist scene, only)

Agree? Disagree? Email me at alex@juicycerebellum.com 

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Text (Copyright) 2001 Alex Sandell [All Rights Reserved].  If you copy this, without my permission, well, I can make things happen . . . Scary Movie 3 bad things.

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