King Kong

Reign of Fire (Double Sided)

The Lord of the Rings - The Two Towers

Die Another Day



Crocodile Hunter: Collision Course
Review written by: Alex Sandell

"This was a balls-up! We need 
to bail out soon! This isn't a croc,
it's a chop, and only now do I see 
I can't get into a barney!" 

Crikey!  Do you see 'er, Terri?  We should throw 'er onto the barbie!  What we're lookin' at here is the fiercest of creatures, the Hollywood screenwriter!  Bloody oath what is written must have been by a bludger!  Stay away if you can cuz this film is bodgy scribed by a boofhead!   She wrote Angels in the Outfield before this bugger!  She must be the highest paid hack to stumble her way into a  bottle-o!  She bung it on like Britney Spears.  We were swindled like Sid Vicious back when he was punk rock, mate!

I was a beaut, Terri, and you were a beauty!  It is that cack subplot that makes us look like codswallop!   Worse even than a poisonous cobra and no Federal Express!  We had a good show on our hands before they interjected that Clayton's subplot written by the shameless Holly (did anyone actually like Angels in the Outfield?) Sloan.   

This croc swallowing a top-secret satellite is a froot loop story that holds us all back.  Why in bugger's name would I consider the government to be Crocodile poachers when all they want is their corker?!?  Am I the hero in this, or just a stickybeak?  I spend most of the movie protecting a croc from tall poppies who really need to save the world from wrongfully placed, in a  most plot-point convenient way, pieces of top secret information swallowed whole-heartedly by crocs with the appetite of an obese Oprah Winfrey!

Lots of grouse moments in the film, Terri, but they never rise above the codswallop Holly Sloan typed out for us.  If there's a sequel I will say hooroo to this hack and hope for a better motion picture!  Crikey!  All I want to do is play with venomous animals and give people a shiver!  We all know that's what Steve Irwin fans want to see!  Fortunately, we are given more than enough of this, although it is violated by slapstick comedy.  The journo's are going to get us for this one!  If Holly didn't have kangaroos loose in the top paddock, we woulda been skite worthy!. 

But the story is a liquid laugh and we'll do better the next time if we can pull off a modest hit out of the first go-around and manage to fire Holly from Hollywood!  No fan of Steve Irwin is going to leave the theater hating this film but we coulda had 'em lovin' it, mate! 

Here's to hopin' the diehard fans will enjoy this movie enough for some repeat business despite its no-hoper screenwriter.  I play with plenty of deadly animals and you, Terri, pretend to worry about me.  Sure, we could view the whole thing on Animal Planet, but I wouldn't be raking in the loot the way I am now, and you'd all be seeing it on your 27" telly!  It'd probably have a better story, though.  

So, this is Hollywood?  And I thought crocodiles were a pain in the old neck!  Crikey!

On a scale of 1-10?


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Text (Copyright) 2002 Alex Sandell [All Rights Reserved].

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