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The reason Bush won the election.
Because two men in bed together are
much worse than killing thousands of
innocent people in an unjust war.
After the Sunset
Review written by: Alex Sandell
For some reason, the week that Halo 2 is released (the ONE week of the year I wanted off), Hollywood goes crazy and puts out about 25 films. You saw my review of Finding Neverland yesterday. Now today you get After the Sunset. Tomorrow there will be Juicy reviews of The Polar Express AND that awful Bridget Jones' sequel. Then, on Saturday, I'll have a review up for Seed of Chucky. It was meant to be up Friday, but the paranoid suits at the studio aren't letting critics screen the film, which means it probably sucks badly and you should avoid it like the plague.
WHAT IS GOING ON?
5 major releases in one weekend? Does Hollywood want to make a critic's job difficult? If the quality of the bulk of these films is any indication, the answer is a resounding, "yes." If you want to get technical, the fact that they won't even let critics SCREEN Seed of Chucky, it's actually more likely that they want to make critics obsolete, even though they sure love using our favorable quotes, whenever they get the chance (they had the nerve to use my positive Bride of Chucky quote). Most of the movies being released this weekend aren't very good -- After the Sunset being one of the weaker of the bunch (Bridget Jones being the weakest, but I'll get to that piece of rancid hog manure in tomorrow's review).
After the Sunset is nothing more than The Thomas Crown Affair for Dummies. It's a highly predictable film that has nothing new to add to the history of cinema and is only saved by Salma Hayek's bountiful boobs, which are on full-display throughout most of the flick (at least her treasured cleavage). The movie is one of the most unoriginal films ever made. It's a carbon-copy of everything that's ever gone before. Even the poster looks like it was robbed from some 1980's movie starring Chuck Norris. Want proof? Take a look:
The only thing about the film that the audience may find comforting is the sense of familiarity. From the performances to the directing to the plot to the mega-foreseeable conclusion; you'll know what's around every turn and you'll be ready for every twist. It's like an instant repeat. You'll watch it because you won't miss anything if the phone rings or if you have to use the bathroom.
Hey, look -- there's Woody from Cheers (completely miscast)! My god, it's James Bond (growing a potbelly)! Wow, it's that hot chick who danced around with a snake in that vampire movie! Oh, how sweet, they're charismatic diamond thieves worth millions! I sure am glad they're sexy! Ugly criminals can be so hard to root for!
As far as these kinds of films go, this is one of these kinds of films -- only worse. Woody Harrelson is the down on his luck FBI agent determined to capture career thief Pierce Brosnan. Brosnan is dating Salma Hayek, his partner in crime. The two have agreed to retire. Then Woody tempts Pierce when he shows him a brochure revealing that some ship will be hanging out in the harbor of the Island Brosnan plans to spend his retirement on. The ship will have the last of the Napoleon diamonds. If he steals it, Pierce completes his collection. Salma Hayek shows off her stupendous tits and makes a deck, so she can watch the sunset.
Damn does she have a nice pair of breasts. She should insure those things. For like a zillion dollars.
Anyway, the hunter and the hunted end up being odd bedfellows. In this film, literally. The two end up sleeping together, because Pierce gets kicked out of his bungalow when he forgets to watch the sunset on the deck Salma completed. Then some agents come in and catch the thief and the agent in bed together and make funny comments like, "I've heard of 'don't ask, don't tell,' but this is too much." The guy behind me laughed so hard I thought he was going to blow up. Seriously. I have never heard such a boisterous laugh. Then the rest of the audience at the screening laughed at his laughing and he said, "Stupid assholes." Honest. He said that. It was the best part of the night.
Woody and his woman and Salma and her man agree they won't steal the diamond. To prove that no diamond stealing will occur, they all go scuba-diving during the hours when the ship is due to leave. Or something like that. I was having a hard time staying awake. When I saw the group underwater I asked my friend, "don't you always think of Open Water when you see people scuba diving?" And she said, "You really need to get over that movie. Nobody liked it but you and it bombed. I don't know why you thought it was so scary." I felt embarrassed and will never bring up Open Water again (unless it's a hit on video).
Anyway, then there's a twist near the end that you will have already figured out about 20 minutes into the movie and a funny thing happens and the credits come on. The funny thing at the end is sort of funny (again the loud guy whose laughter causes everyone else to laugh at him let out a humungous "guffaw"), but I won't let you know what it is, or it will spoil the fun.
This movie definitely isn't the best time you'll have at the theater, but it isn't the worst, either. It goes by fast, but you feel cheated when it's over. It isn't the worst that the barely competent Brett Ratner has done (that honor goes to Red Dragon) and at least the generic director is back in his element, creating another film meant for matinee viewing, due to its familiar plot, marginally funny jokes and sexy, recognizable actors that make the whole thing tolerable. Come to think of it, I'd wait for cable.
Now I'm going to go kill the hell out of some nasty space aliens!
Agree? Disagree? Have questions? Comments? Email this critic at firstname.lastname@example.org
Bridget Jones: The
Edge of Reason
The Final Cut
Sky Captain and the World of Tomorrow
Resident Evil: Apocalypse
Alien vs. Predator
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COMING SOON - Reviews of Seed of Chucky, Finding Neverland, Polar Express and, just because it's been requested more than ANY other movie yet to be reviewed on this site, Hellboy (so who says I don't listen to my readers?)!
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