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"You know, Phantom,
people usually take me out
for a shake on our fist date,
not the sewers.
The Phantom of the
Review written by: The Phantom of the Opera and Alex Sandell
(written to the lyrics of Past the Point of No Return and Music of the Night)
THE PHANTOM: The screening pass
is in the mail - Go to your PO Box for the trap.
You've already decided to hate this film,
prematurely calling it a "load of crap."
You skipped the screening out of fear
Of being labeled gay.
But in pursuit of any excuse to watch men dressed up in robes,
you attended, claiming you needed to see all the nominees at the Golden Globes.
In pursuit of that wish to see this film which, until now
Has been silent
You sat through 2 hours and 23 minutes of people singing poppy opera songs,
and actually came to like it.
Joel Schumacher's use of nipples fit
sculptures in the playhouse more than they fit the batsuits.
And almost everything in this film could have been perfect,
If Minnie Driver had been a mute.
Now, with your heaping praise on Moulin Rouge and Chicago,
your passion has fused and merged
You may not be a homosexual, but you must be on the verge.
It's the set design you claim to like?
That's a likely story.
How about those men in tights, in nearly all their glory?
Now you are here at the movie,
sitting in the second to front row.
No second thoughts,
Next time you're invited to a musical screening,
You'll be the first to go.
Past the point of their scorn
the only thing left that makes you mad is the
$9.00 price of theater popcorn.
No thoughts of “if” or “when” linger
No use resisting,
You liked the movie to the point you let melt your $12.00 Butterfinger.
Sure you froze it later on, but as you did, you thought about all those singers.
What scene was it that won your heart?
What captivating moment unlocked its door?
What put that tear in your eye and had you screaming, "more!"?
ALEX SANDELL: The film brought me to that point
where words won't come to me,
hence this review turning into a song parody.
I'm not gay, your accusation does fall flat,
not that there's anything wrong with that.
But the film, from start to end,
as a critic I will defend.
It moved me in so many ways ...
Did I mention that I'm not gay?
I came to the movie house hardly
While I did enjoy Chicago and Moulin Rouge,
I've heard bad things about that Andrew Lloyd Webber guy.
And Joel Schumacher, what is left to say?
The guy couldn't direct himself out of a paper bag.
But the job he did on this film was exceptional,
he pulled off a 143 musical without a snag,
although I've heard the singing has made some of the puritans gag,
I thought the actors and actresses did a fine job,
Except that Minnie Driver,
Oh my God!
How could she have been the prima donna?
I'm glad the phantom made her a goner.
Hopefully he'll do the same, if this film doesn't win best Set Design
at the Academy Awards!
The world above and the dark world of the phantom down below,
set my heart aglow.
The movie's a visual masterpiece,
And this is something the people handing out the awards should definitely know.
I am here with this film,
No second thoughts
I’ve decided and it's true I like it lots.
This is the truth, even though, the last two lines of this review
have sounded a bit like Dr. Seuss.
THE PHANTOM: Say you’ll give my film a
promise you'll put it on the top of your list.
ALEX SANDELL: I'm sorry, but I can't do
this, it would be a sin,
your face wasn't ugly enough and I couldn't help but think of that one Gremlin.
THE PHANTOM: Not the Gremlin from
The Second Batch!
That movie was total crap.
I mean, I laughed here and there,
but comparing me to some Muppet just isn't fair.
ALEX SANDELL: Your "monstrous"
look looked more like a bad case
of hives. It's hard to believe you'd have to hide.
When you pulled off your mask, I said, "that's it?"
Imagine people with 3rd degree burns or a bad case of zits.
They don't run around with a mask.
You got ripped off, take it back.
Leave the world of the night and get a paying job as a pianist,
if that dude from Shine could make millions, I'm sure you could do this.
THE PHANTOM: Darkness wakes
And stirs the mind,
I'm much better than that nut from Shine.
To think you gave his movie a nine.
Last I heard, you're giving mine an eight.
Abandon your defenses
Can you do it then?
Why is it you can't find it in your hear to give my film a ten?
ALEX SANDELL: It's at least 15 minutes too long,
and nearly every minute is filled with song.
Sometimes it sounds corny,
and spoken word would have done just fine,
I'm sorry to disappoint you but Shine really was a nine.
Your movie, while light years better than I thought it would be,
way back when,
does not come close to a ten.
THE PHANTOM: Floating, falling
Touch me, trust me
Savor each sensation
Let the dream begin
Let your darker side give in
To the power of the music that I write
The power of the music of the night
You alone can make my film live again,
Help me, save me, give it a ten.
ALEX SANDELL: An eight is the
best it will get;
has anyone told you, that you can be a bitch?
"Sweet intoxication," you'd get me drunk to get the rating you want?
What's next? A civil union in Vermont?
Count your lucky starts, Phantom,
an eight is the best you'll get
and this review is done.
Agree? Disagree? Have questions? Comments? Email this critic at firstname.lastname@example.org
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COMING SOON - Reviews of Sideways, The Phantom of the Opera and, just because it's been requested more than ANY other movie yet to be reviewed on this site, Hellboy (so who says I don't listen to my readers?)!
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