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When bathtubs attack ...

Boogeyman
Review written by: Alex Sandell

Mike and Sulley are at it again ...

During the "horrifying" pre-credit sequence in Boogeyman, I couldn't help but be reminded of Pixar's animated Monsters, Inc.  Some kid is scared of the monster in his closet.  The way he looks at the closet made me think that Mike and Sulley would bust out cracking jokes, any second.  Instead, some shit that's supposed to be scary happens and the horrific (IE - laughable) title card pops up.  "Boogeyman," it reads, in an eerie "boogey" font.  The movie title sounds like it's going to be another overrated Hollywood biopic -- this one about Andy Gibb.  You know when a thriller calls to mind Monsters, Inc. and Disco Duck, it's in trouble. 

I haven't been this bored since The Grudge ...

Sam Raimi is being a gigantic dick.  Isn't the Spider-Man gig paying well?  Why does he keep slapping his name on PG-13 crapfests like The Grudge and Boogeyman?  These are horror movies for Ashlee Simpson fans (Neocons might also get a kick out of a horror film regarding a monster coming out of the closet).  Instead of coming up with a good story and genuine scares, they have "jump scenes."  Non-stop, ineffective and increasingly irritating jump scenes.  It appears that even the target audience is getting bored with this garbage.  The theater the movie screened at was packed with a bunch of 12 year olds.  Initially, they seemed eager to let themselves be scared.  By the end, they were laughing (and not the "nervous giggle" kind of laughter.  More like a "this movie's so bad, if I don't laugh my face will sprout another zit" sort of thing.)  When did young girls rollerblading backward become the universal symbol for spooky?  With the Dawn of the Dead remake and this one, you'd think kids with wheels on their feet were the scariest thing since the Holocaust.

Xena: Warrior Princess, in a boobalicious T-Shirt ...

If the damn movie can't scare you, couldn't it at least get the casting right?  Lucy Lawless plays Mary Jensen, the ex-girlfriend of the lead guy.  When he comes back to town, for his mother's funeral, we meet Mary.  She's supposed to be his age.  Oddly, he's only 23 and she looks about 60.  It turns out she's 36 (in real life, not in the movie -- who says I don't do my research?).  When a picture is shown of the couple together as children -- about the same age -- I couldn't help but laugh.  Other than looking ancient, The Warrior Princess does a decent job acting.  The tight shirt she wears over her mammoth fake boobs proves to be the most entertaining thing in the film.  Did Lucy have a child?  If not, there's no explaining how she's suddenly turned into a MILF.   I'm a retard.  Disregard everything I crossed out.  Lucy Lawless played Barry Watson's character's mom.  His ex-girlfriend with the nice tits was played by somebody else.  No wonder I actually found her hot (I'm just not into that Amazon woman thing).  Talk about having your Rex Reed moment.  Special thanks to Dustin Putman (TheMovieBoy) for pointing out my glaring mistake.  In my defense -- the casting is still off.  If Barry's character is supposed to be 23 and Lawless is 36, that would make her 13 when she had him (but even that can be shrugged off by the fact that she plays his mother in a flashback scene, when he was a child).  Hmm ... I guess I totally fucked up.

What's left to say? ...

Seeing Fonzie's melting face and grey hair on the Happy Days' 30th Anniversary Reunion Special was scarier than anything in this film.  Ron Howard taking off his hat on the same special startled me much more than a bunch of missing children -- on loan from the A Nightmare on Elm Street franchise -- did, in this film.  Even The Grudge seemed to be trying to tell us some sort of story, even if we couldn't figure out what the hell it was ("the house is haunted and anyone that enters is killed. I'm sorry."). 

Boogeyman 2: Electric Boogaloo ...

Boogeyman seems to take a long time to go no where.  There are hideously boring moments between jump scenes, meant to pad the picture out to feature length.  This movie is the celluloid equivalent of that friend that "just called to say hello," only to ramble on for a couple of hours.  The ending means absolutely nothing.  A CG monster runs around for no reason and a person has to face him.  When you see the boogeyman he looks entirely fake.  Take a look: 

He roars and we time travel, a little bit.  Save this one for DVD, when you can rent a copy, use it as a coaster, return it and tell the clerk that the best thing about it was the beer stains on the disc.  Avoid this puppy at the theater, at all costs.  If it turns out to be a hit, we may be stuck with Boogeyman 2:  Electric Boogaloo.

Agree? Disagree? Have questions?  Comments?  Email this critic at alex@juicycerebellum.com

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On a scale of 1-10?

3

What does this rating mean?  Everyone rates things differently.  Your "5" could be my "7," or vice-versa.  Find out what MY rating means by clicking here

COMING SOON - Reviews of Constantine, Sin City and, just because it's been requested more than ANY other movie yet to be reviewed on this site, Hellboy (so who says I don't listen to my readers?)!

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