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Christina Ricci questions the studio's
logic, when it dawns on her how
much more box office her R rated
Sleepy Hollow brought in, than the
tepid PG-13 Cursed, ever will.

Cursed
Review written by: Alex Sandell

What the fuck is this shit?

Seriously, this is as ass as ass can get.  A PG-13 werewolf movie?  This is a fat hairy man's ass, with week old dingle berries.  Does Hollywood know no shame?  Dimension studio was built on the success of the Scream series.  Them kiddies lapped up the three Scream films like a protein deprived whore does a semen shake.  They lapped to the tune of 300 million dollars -- which, last I checked, is a lot of lapping.  Wes Craven directed all 3 Scream films.  Kevin Williamson wrote the first 2 Scream films, and then ran off to kill Mrs. Tingle -- but later ending up only "teaching" her, because the MPAA freaked out and changed the title from Killing Mrs. Tingle to Teaching Mrs. Tingle after those two freaks blew kids up in a high school in Colorado.  What does all this have to do with Cursed?  Kevin Williamson and Wes Craven reunited to bring America a gory ass flick about wolves eating people!  But, ever since Congress responded like reactionary idiots to the Columbine tragedy -- pointing fingers at movies, video games and all the other things that don't score big with their senior citizen voting base -- R rated movies have been off-limits to people under 17.  Keep in mind that there's no actual law against a 16 year old attending an R rated film -- but that uniformed officer standing at the door of Constantine last week, to keep kids from warping their minds with visions of Keanu Reeves, could fool you into thinking otherwise.  And Joseph Lieberman can be an intimidating guy, when he goes McCarthy on Hollywood's asses.  Cursed was originally rated R.  But then the studio executives decided to edit the film down to a PG-13, against Wes Craven's wishes.  This is right after they did the same thing to the R rated Darkness.  The PG-13 Darkness didn't make, in total, what the R rated Hide and Seek and Constantine each made in their first three days of release.  This is why studio executives aren't authors, artists or filmmakers -- they're oafish moneybags whose sole existence is to be living, breathing banks for people with talent.  When they forget that their job is nothing more than to give cash to artists and then shut the fuck up, they muck things up.  And muck Cursed up, they most certainly did.

The movie's not even that good in the first place ...

Even as an R rated film, Cursed wouldn't be much of a winner.  Some kids drive down a road and hit an animal and the animal eats Shannon Elizabeth.  Of course we don't get to see anyone biting into Shannon, because the screen turns dark and the R rated scene is removed.  The Shannon Elizabeth syndrome is one of the worst things about the film.  You never really get to know the victims.  Sure, there's the whole Ginger Snaps' rip-off sibling characters and their quest to kill the wolf that bit them, but I wouldn't consider them victims as much as uh, er ... bad actors?  I've heard that the original killing scenes were pretty graphic.  Elizabeth's featured lots of guts and Shannon still alive while the beast played with her intestines.  All we get is a couple of people saying the beast tore her to shreds.  The first rule of thumb for shitty horror movies is this:  when you have a horror movie you know sucks, fill it with tons of gore, and people will forget how rotten the actual film is.  The Friday the 13th franchise has survived using this method for going on 30 years.  BUT ALL THE IDIOTS AT DIMENSION CARED ABOUT WERE 10 YEAR OLD KIDS BEING ABLE TO SEE A MONSTER MOVIE CREATED FOR GROWN UPS!  I heard Christina Ricci got naked in the R rated cut.  Why would anyone deprive all those burgeoning sex drives masturbatory material such as that?  What ends up being good in Cursed is stolen from the original Ginger Snaps film (now THAT'S a good movie).  Everything that sucks is stolen from Scream.  Kevin Williamson is going to need to replace his hip, if he keeps trying so hard to be it.  You see the ending coming from a mile away.  And no horror movie, none, NO FUCKING HORROR MOVIE should have an ending as deliriously happy as this one.  I felt like I accidentally walked into Pooh's Heffalump Movie.

Boycott this film ...

Dimension must not want ANYONE seeing it, being that they didn't hold their screening for the film until 10:00 PM on Thursday night.  That's right, the advance screening for the film was two hours before the film opened.  That conveniently stops critics from getting their reviews to the paper by deadline.  It also stops bad word of mouth from spreading.  It even stopped me from attending the screening.  Hell, people can hardly text message their friends and warn them not to go to the movie, the next day.  I passed up the late night screening and ended up hauling my ass to the film on Friday.  I paid for a ticket to The Aviator and went into Cursed.  Hollywood will never get my money for watering down a movie (I didn't even bother reviewing Darkness).  Cursed is about as watered down as you can get.  It's like watching the edited Predator on TNT.  There are clearly times when people use naughty words such as "fuck," and they change them to "freak," or "flub," or "frick."  Even as a horror flick, this fails.  In the time he's taken off, to produce a bunch of made-for-video crapfests, Wes Craven has totally forgotten how to direct movies (the mirror room/wax museum scene in this film should have worked, and would have, if Wes Craven circa 1984 had directed it).  Kevin Williamson has went from being a mediocre screenwriter to being an absolutely horrid joke.  Kevin -- you haven't written a good line since the original Scream -- quit trying so hard.  Actually, just quit.  The scariest thing about Cursed is how willingly Dimension diluted this adult film, in an attempt to pawn it off to kids.  How long until we have our first PG-13 porno?  Avoid this film.  Actually, "avoid" is too kind a word.  Boycott the damn thing.  The R rated version will be on DVD in a few months, anyway.

Why Boycott? 

If you stop paying for this junk, Hollywood will stop making it, and maybe we'll get some REAL horror movies again. There's a place for PG-13 horror.  The Sixth Sense and The Others both worked beautifully.  But if the director delivered an R rated picture, the studio should respect him as an artist and put out the movie he gave his sweat and blood to deliver.  If people keep going to R rated movies that have been edited to get a PG-13 rating, we're going to lose what makes horror movies so great in the first place. Horror movies are meant to disturb and horrify.  Horror movies are NOT meant for kids. The PG-13 rating isn't for people ages 13,14, and 15. They can get into an R rated film just fine. The rating is so young children -- 10, 11, 12 -- can see a "horror" movie.  Is this a good thing?  I think a 15 year old seeing an R rated horror flick is fine.  But a 10 year old?  I'd have to think twice.   Let the studios know that editing a movie down to a PG-13 isn't going to automatically bring in big box-office. Wes Craven himself said that he filmed an R rated film, and that he had no part in the PG-13 edit. If you have to see this film (why not wait until the R rated version comes out on DVD, in 3 or 4 months?), maybe you'd prefer buying a ticket to something else and enduring Cursed. I can't imagine anyone willingly rewarding Dimension -- or any other studio -- for self-censorship.

Agree? Disagree? Have questions?  Comments?  Email this critic at alex@juicycerebellum.com

RECENT REVIEWS (click here to see ALL films reviewed in the last three months):

The Ring Two
Constantine
Boogeyman
Million Dollar Baby
The Aviator
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The Phantom of the Opera
Meet the Fockers
Spanglish
Lemony Snicket's a Series of Unfortunate Events
Closer
Blade: Trinity
Bridget Jones: The Edge of Reason
Finding Neverland
The Incredibles
After the Sunset
Saw

On a scale of 1-10?

2 (from what I know of the R rated version,
it would be about a 4)

What does this rating mean?  Everyone rates things differently.  Your "5" could be my "7," or vice-versa.  Find out what MY rating means by clicking here

COMING SOON - Reviews of Cursed, Sin City and, just because it's been requested more than ANY other movie yet to be reviewed on this site, Hellboy (so who says I don't listen to my readers?)!

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