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"Seriously, though -- Angelina
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Bad News Bears
(Hollywood remake or sequel, or film based on a comic book, book, play or video game # 37, since January 1st, 2005. Click for full list of Hollywood's lack of original ideas.)

Review written by: Alex Sandell

If Paramount's obsessive need to remake its entire back catalog puts the studio out of business, would someone remake Paramount?

Paramount has turned into a wart on the nose of Hollywood.  The studio goes Gestapo with their handling of the War of the Worlds release (you can read about that here), and now they're out with another marginal remake.  It seems like the only original thing Paramount's able to do lately is remove the word "The" from the titles of their unoriginal films (and charge double what other studios do to purchase their DVD box-sets).  The War of the Worlds is now War of the WorldsThe Bad News Bears becomes Bad News Bears.  Like the excised word will fool the average moviegoer into thinking they're watching something entirely new.

Bad News Bears is just the most recent in a long line of Paramount remakes and adaptations.  Before it came Alfie, The Stepford Wives, The Manchurian Candidate, The Honeymooners, The Longest Yard, Tomb Raider, Tomb Raider 2: Cradle of Life, The Italian Job, just to name a few.  In the next year, we get to look forward to Paramount remakes and adaptations of Father Knows Best, Lone Wolf and Cub, Aeon Flux, The Secret Life of Walter Mitty, Deathrace 3000, The Crazies, The Brazilian Job, Charlotte's Web and a movie based on those fun-lovin' Transformers toys that were so big like 25 years ago.  Sure, a few of these remakes may be worth seeing, but was anyone dying for an updated version of Father Knows Best?  This brings us back to Bad News Bears.  It's another way for Paramount to cash in on their back-catalog of films, raking in some new dough from the remake and selling copies of the old version on DVD.  Ain't commerce great?

Who gives a shit?

Bad News Bears is the most predictable movie ever made.  An audience member would find it harder to predict what would happen to the ship in Titanic than they would have figuring out what's going to happen at every single point in Bad News Bears

The kids swear at each other, the fat kid gets called names ("fatty," "Slim-Fast," "fat-ass," "planet fat-ass," "tubby"), the kids get into a rumble, Morris Buttermaker (Billy Bob Thornton) says he's a worthless drunk, the kids play a game of baseball and do horrible, they play another and do a little better, another they're better yet, Morris Buttermaker says he's a worthless drunk, the kids call him an asshole, they play another game, Roy Bullock (Greg Kinnear) makes fun of them and takes his job coaching too seriously, people make fun of Roy's testicles, they play another game, so on and so forth ad infinitum.

Hearing pre-pubescent boys saying "shit" loses most of its shock value after you hear it once (unless you're from Utah).  Unfortunately, the film's 3 screenwriters and 1 director (Richard Linklater, who is so above this trash) don't grasp that fact and work the word in at least 30 times.  Of course there's some variety, what with "shitload," "you gotta be shitting me," "shitter," "little shit," "horseshit," "piece of shit," etc.  The latter describes the movie to a "T".

The baseball flick goes out of its way to be politically incorrect, but only to a point.  The original film had comments such as, "All we got on this team are a buncha Jews, spics, niggers, pansies, and a booger-eatin' moron!"  The remake settles for comments like, "You swing like Helen Keller at a piņata party" and "A girl on the team, what's next a cripple?  Oh yeah, I forgot." (there's a cripple on the team).  Oh, and tons of remarks like "homo" and "faggot" are included.  This just goes to show that, in the 20 years since the original, it's no longer okay to be prejudice against Jews, Hispanics, or blacks, but blind and deaf people, the overweight, females and the crippled are fair game.  Too bad it's not all off-limits, at this stage in the game.  Maybe in 20 years, instead of Paramount remaking this remake, they should just issue a big, sloppy apology.

And in the end

This bloated mess adds nothing to the original (which wasn't that great to begin with), fails to entertain and is an insult to humanity.  When I found myself guessing whether or not Billy Bob Thornton had hair-plugs more enjoyable than the film I was watching, I knew that somebody in the filmmaking world wasn't doing something right. The only saving grace in the film is the scene with the chunky kid running the bases.  That one almost had me laughing -- maybe even cheering.  Putting the fat kid's moment of triumph aside, Paramount strikes out with yet another one of their remakes, lowering the batting average of film in general. 

Oh, and as a lifelong fan of punk rock, I think the band name "Blood Farts" (a "skate" group in this movie) is an obvious rip-off of the cult underground punk band popular in the early to mid-90s named, "Vaginal Blood Farts."  Hopefully Paramount gets sued.

RECENT REVIEWS (click here to see ALL films reviewed in the last three months):

The Brothers Grimm
The Cave
Red Eye
March of the Penguins
The Dukes of Hazzard
The Great Raid
The Machinist
The Island
The Devil's Rejects
Charlie and the Chocolate Factory
Fantastic 4
War of the Worlds
Land of the Dead
Batman Begins
Star Wars: Episode III - Revenge of the Sith
The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy
The Amityville Horror
Sin City

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