X-Men 3 (Advance Release) Harry Potter And The Goblet Of Fire The Fog Aeon Flux Victoria Silvstedt
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It's been estimated that The Fog spent half its budget
on flashlights.  The other half went to batteries.

The Fog
(Hollywood remake or sequel, or film based on a comic book, book, play or video game # 56, since January 1st, 2005. Click for full list of Hollywood's lack of original ideas.)
Review written by: Alex Sandell

The 1980 The Fog was John Carpenter's slightly disappointing follow-up to the classic work he did on, Halloween.  The film definitely had it's moments, but it doesn't hold a place near and dear to my heart, and I wasn't screaming, "BOYCOTT" when I heard it was being remade (I'm saving my vocal chords for the Evil Dead and Wicker Man remakes that are currently in the works). 

I went into the showing (the studio wisely chose against screening this stinker for critics) of 2005's The Fog expecting a semi-entertaining movie.  I left the screening cursing Hollywood's near-addiction to remaking its old films.  Seriously, has anyone held an intervention with the heads of major studios and told them that enough's enough?  How much is too much, you ask?  Click here to find out.

Everything that made the original Fog worth watching is gone.  Where did the creepy atmosphere go?  The decent cinematography?  The above-average directing?  The passion for making a film for the sake of making a film, not just to make a few million dollars?  And where the hell is the horror

Forget what you know about rancid remakes:  The Fog redux is worse than Bewitched, Bad News Bears and House of Wax combined.  It's about as scary as Scooby-Doo 2:  Monsters Unleashed and as useless as using tracing paper for a tampon.   

Screenwriter Cooper Layne took Carpenter's tale of terror and padded it with some of the most nonsensical crap this side of The Dukes of Hazzard 2005.  In his version of The Fog Elizabeth Williams (Maggie Grace) is returning to Antonio Bay to make things right with her mother.  She arrives around the time that her ex-boyfriend Captain Nick Castle (Tom Welling) and his first mate (not that kind of "mate" -- this is only rated PG-13), Brett Spooner (DeRay Davis) snag some bag on the ocean's floor with their anchor and reawaken the ghosts of the dead, who are still looking for revenge over something that happened to them in the 1800's. 

But the horror stuff's really not that vital in this horror movie.  Who cares about ghosts rising up from the depths to kill, when romantic feelings can resurface, straight from the heart? 

While Nick and Elizabeth are caught up in their soap-opera moments, the town starts having fog come in and some people get murdered.  Really, really bad looking ghosts make scary things happen, like lighting hairbrushes on fire.  They also kill some people here and there, but why worry about that?  It turns out Nick is sort of having a thing with the local lighthouse operator/DJ, Stevie Wayne (Selma Blair), and that could get in the way of the feelings he has for his ex-flame, Elizabeth. 

The movie also tries to be a mystery, but a drunken monkey could figure it out within the first 30 minutes.  It couldn't be easier to solve if a narrator said, "cold ... cold ... you're getting warm ... warmer ... HOT!" every time something is supposed to keep the audience guessing. 

It doesn't help that Rupert Wainwright couldn't direct scary if his life depended on it.  There is no tension in this film.  No thrills.  Just some dumb fast-moving CG fog and even dumber ghosts.  This is by-the-numbers horror that makes R.L. Stine look like the master of terror.

So what are we left with?  Quite possibly the most stereotypical, racially-offensive token black character since Prissy in Gone with the Wind.  A bunch of actors who are as convincing as John Kerry or George W. Bush during one of their scripted debates last year.  A laughably bad romance and a "horror" mystery that's easier to predict than bad breath after eating garlic toast. 

Hollywood needs to stop with these remakes NOW.  They're a waste of everyone's time, money and life.  But Hollywood isn't the only one to blame -- there's us.  People need to stop paying for these things.  Since there wasn't a free critic's screening, I did have to hand over my cash to the girl at the counter, but I bought a ticket to Serenity and went into The Fog.  I told the ticket lady about my nefarious plans, and she said, "It doesn't matter, both of them are half empty." 

Hollywood is a remake junky and we're its enablers.  How long before the studio system has a fatal overdose?  The Fog could do it.  Moviedom, you need help.

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Agree, disagree, do you wish you had a better education?  Email Alex!

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