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The 31 Greatest
Horror Movies For Your 2005 Drunken Halloween Bash
(That Probably Cost Less To Make Than You Paid to Rent Out A Few Kegs*)
Horror Movie # 27: Parasite
Halloween is a weird holiday. It's the only one where we celebrate spirits, reanimated corpses, and death (if you don't count Christmas). It's the one day out of the year where freaks can look normal and normal people go out of their way to look like freaks. And, best of all, it's a great excuse to pull out your stash of horror DVDs -- ranging from laughable low-budget garbage to quality low-budget classics -- and party like those dancing corpses in the Thriller video. Since many people consider a Halloween Party with the Scream trilogy and some Old Milwaukee a "smashing success," I figured I would put my unhealthy obsession with all things horror to good use and let the world in on the cinematic secrets to giving the best damn Halloween party ever! A new movie will be added daily, right through until the morning of October 31st! You can thank me later. Now, would be fine, too. Either way.
They'd film Demi from the chest up more
frequently in films after her breasts magically
grew from "flat-chested" to "huge-melons."
Review written by: Alex Sandell
A guy named Paul is injected with a parasite that will mate with other parasites and kill the entire human race, for some reason or another. The parasite was invented for an evil corporation that must be up to no good (along with being either A. Really Stupid or B. Suicidal). The corporation sends a "merchant" out to kill Paul. Paul meets up with Demi Moore, in her first starring role, and says, "You should be a member of the itty-bitty-titty-committee," leading Moore to have about 10 breast implants, numerous plastic surgeries, and a sexy "boy toy" later in life.
How Many Beers Should Be Consumed Before Watching?
You'll want your guests to be on their fourth or fifth beer at the start of the film, so they can laugh hysterically at the bad acting, bad plot (what plot?) and low-budget effects. By the middle they should be at around 6 or 7 beers, just to alleviate the boredom, once the novelty of seeing a flat-chested Demi Moore screaming over a stationary rubber monster/parasite wears off. This movie is a great one for parties -- you'll swear your DVD player is coughing up laughing gas. If you want your Halloween revelers to die of laughter, cap off the movie with the trailer included on the disc. With lines such as, "Be assured, Parasite is the most gripping and frightening movie you will ever see …” at least a few of them will die laughing.
Choosing between a score of "Light Bruising," "Recently Deceased," "Badly Decomposed" and "Puke-Inducing," Parasite gets a rating of "Recently Deceased." It has some gore, but it's nothing people didn't see in more mainstream flicks such as Jaws or Predator.
Would You Like Cheese With That?
Horror movies can be "Easy on the Cheese," "Regular Cheese," "Extra Cheesy" or "Instant Cheese Based Coronary." The amount of cheese on Parasite can give heart-attacks, ranking it an "Instant Cheese Based Coronary."
With "Let Off With a Warning," "Pay a Small Fine," "Put on Probation" and "Go Directly to Jail" to choose from, Parasite gets "Let Off With a Warning." Actually, the film wouldn't even get a slap on the wrist. There is no drug use, other than coffee and booze. On the other hand, pot or alcohol is about the only way to get through this film and actually enjoy it. Throw in a heaping pile of Mystery Science Theater 3000 sarcasm, and the damn thing could turn out to be, "the funniest comedy you'll see all year."
Sex and the Psycho
Horror flicks and sex go together like romantic comedies and crap. A terror movie can be rated "Nun," "Curious Schoolboy," "Chick After 8 Beers" or "Paris Hilton." Parasite is a "Curious Schoolboy." Some topless girl appears to be being attacked by hoodlums. Her boobies fly about every which way.
When Should it Crash the Halloween Party?
Parasite would work anywhere from the 4-beer point, on. When people really want to laugh at something that wasn't made to be laughed at, slap this sucker in and let it work its magic.
Will You Hate Yourself in the Morning?
Waking up from a night of partying can be downright depressing. Waking up with a cheap horror movie in your DVD player can feel like "Sex With a Hotty," "Sex With Someone in Your League," "Sex With Your Sister" or "Sex With a Sheep." Parasite is like waking up realizing you had "Sex With Your Sister." Sure, it's awkward and uncomfortable, but it was fun while it lasted. The movie is an embarrassment to cinema in almost every way possible, which is why it is so perfect for a party. But if you're sober, stay far, far away. I endured the torture of watching the movie while abstaining from alcohol, so I could write this review, and it was sort of what I imagine Hell would be like. If you haven't imbibed, is it worth it to see Demi Moore in her first starring role? HELL NO! This makes Demi Moore's later crappy movies look like Casablanca. One thing you can say for Charles Band is that his work as a director is consistent. That's really not a good thing. Sorry, Charlie.
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Fellow horror hound? Have any comments on this film? Recommendations for the list? Email Alex!
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