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The 31 Greatest Horror Movies For Your 2005 Drunken Halloween Bash
(That Probably Cost Less To Make Than You Paid to Rent Out A Few Kegs*)
Horror Movie # 29:  Dead and Breakfast

Halloween is a weird holiday. It's the only one where we celebrate spirits, reanimated corpses, and death (if you don't count Christmas). It's the one day out of the year where freaks can look normal and normal people go out of their way to look like freaks. And, best of all, it's a great excuse to pull out your stash of horror DVDs -- ranging from laughable low-budget garbage to quality low-budget classics -- and party like those dancing corpses in the Thriller video. Since many people consider a Halloween Party with the Scream trilogy and some Old Milwaukee a "smashing success," I figured I would put my unhealthy obsession with all things horror to good use and let the world in on the cinematic secrets to giving the best damn Halloween party ever! A new movie will be added daily, right through until the morning of October 31st! You can thank me later. Now, would be fine, too. Either way.

This is what you get
for playing Frisbee indoors

Dead and Breakfast
Review written by: Alex Sandell

The Story

A gang of kids ("kids" meaning people 25-35) wind up in this creepy little hick of a town in the middle of nowhere, where they stay at a bed and breakfast and open an ancient box that turns the town into redneck zombies.  The Sheriff of the town refuses to believe that it isn't the kids that are causing the recent wave of murders.  The group must prove their innocence, bring down a bunch of singing zombies and stop the curse that got them into this mess in the first place.   

How Many Beers Should Be Consumed Before Watching?

This is a good 5 beer flick.  You want to be drunk enough to laugh at the jokes louder than you normally would (otherwise it just wouldn't feel like a party), but not drunk enough to miss any of them.  This movie is hit and miss as far as comedy is concerned, but when it hits it's pretty damn funny.   

Gore Score

Choosing between a score of "Light Bruising," "Recently Deceased," "Badly Decomposed" and "Puke-Inducing," Dead and Breakfast gets a rating of "Badly Decomposed."  If the gore wasn't diluted with comedy it would be, "Puke-Inducing."  This one's probably not for the timid.  Or people without a sense of humor.  Or timid midgets without a sense of humor.  

Would You Like Cheese With That?

Horror movies can be "Easy on the Cheese," "Regular Cheese," "Extra Cheesy" or "Instant Cheese Based Coronary."  Dead and Breakfast tries to be cheesy and it succeeds.  Some of it may even be cheesier than the people behind the scenes intended.  Remember Pizza the Hutt from Spaceballs?  If you could turn that character into a movie, it would be Dead and Breakfast.  It doesn't get cheesier than a hillbilly narrating the movie with country/rap songs and zombies doing the Michael Jackson "Thriller" dance, in the middle of surrounding a boarded up house (ala Night of the Living Dead) their prey is trapped inside.  This one is easily, EASILY an "Instant Cheese Based Coronary."  And I'd put money on it that that's just the rating the movie's writer and director (Matthew Leutwyler) would have wanted his film to get. 

Drug Use 

With "Let Off With a Warning," "Pay a Small Fine," "Put on Probation" and "Go Directly to Jail" to choose from, Dead and Breakfast would "Go Directly to Jail."  With many of the characters fucked up through the first 30 minutes of the movie and random drugs and pills being passed around, this movie is like the junkie of horror films.  But it isn't a junky horror film.  Get it?  "The Junky of horror films" vs. "A junky horror film?"  I came up with that.  Okay, maybe watching 3 cheesy Halloween horror flicks in a row and writing the reviews for each of them, all in one night, wasn't the greatest idea.  NO SOUP FOR YOU! 

Sex and the Psycho

Horror flicks and sex go together like romantic comedies and crap.  A terror movie can be rated "Nun," "Curious Schoolboy," "Chick After 8 Beers" or "Paris Hilton."  Dead and Breakfast is a "Nun."  An asexual nun.  With a fat ass.  And wrinkles.  Nothing to see here.  Move along, move along. 

When Should it Crash the Halloween Party?

This movie would be appreciated by partygoers at just about all hours of the evening.  It's a new movie, so I haven't had the chance to try it at a Halloween party of my own yet (I'm looking forward to it), but I could see this one being one of the biggest hits of the evening, along with the perennial classics that it so heartily stole from, such as the Evil Dead movies (I'd mention a few more films, but I don't want to give away everything still to come on the list).  "Everything still to come on the list."  Gross.

Will You Hate Yourself in the Morning?

Waking up from a night of partying can be downright depressing.  Waking up with a cheap horror movie in your DVD player can feel like "Sex With a Hotty," "Sex With Someone in Your League," "Sex With Your Sister" or "Sex With a Sheep."  Dead and Breakfast is like having "Sex With Someone in Your League."  Someone in your league that's goofy and fun and worth fucking for their personality, alone (when they aren't being annoying, which they occasionally are).  The enthusiasm of everyone involved in the film sprays from the screen like explosive diarrhea from an anus and is contagious (like explosive diarrhea).  The movie's tongue is planted firmly in its cheek and it is proud to be a big, goofy blast of gory fun.  The cast is outstanding for a low-budget film (or just about any kind of film, really).  I don't know who had to suck whose dick to get Portia de Rossi (Ally McBeal, Arrested Development), David Carradine (Kill Bill, Kung Fu) and Jeremy Sisto (Six Feet Under, Wrong Turn) all in the same slap-happy, low-budget splatter-fest.  The movie may not be the classic it thinks it is, but it's certainly a movie.  Dead and Breakfast will have you smiling from the opening credits with their gruesome comic book-ish drawings, right through to the stupid song that plays over the closing credits.  Is it the next Evil Dead, Braindead or even Shaun of the Dead (I guess you're not anybody in the horror world until you've made a movie with the word "dead" in the title)?  No.  But it sure wants to be and it tries its best.  It reminds me of the slightly retarded mutt in a room full of intelligent purebreds.  Yes, it may "sit" when it's told to "roll over," but damn does it want to please you.  I'd use the word "commendable" before "classic" in regards to the film, but it is an absolute must for Halloween night.  Hell, the movie is a party in and of itself.

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Fellow horror hound?  Have any comments on this film?  Recommendations for the list?  Email Alex!

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