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The 31 Greatest Horror Movies For Your 2005 Drunken Halloween Bash
(That Probably Cost Less To Make Than You Paid to Rent Out A Few Kegs*)
Horror Movie # 22:  Friday the 13th

Halloween is a weird holiday. It's the only one where we celebrate spirits, reanimated corpses, and death (if you don't count Christmas). It's the one day out of the year where freaks can look normal and normal people go out of their way to look like freaks. And, best of all, it's a great excuse to pull out your stash of horror DVDs -- ranging from laughable low-budget garbage to quality low-budget classics -- and party like those dancing corpses in the Thriller video. Since many people consider a Halloween Party with the Scream trilogy and some Old Milwaukee a "smashing success," I figured I would put my unhealthy obsession with all things horror to good use and let the world in on the cinematic secrets to giving the best damn Halloween party ever! A new movie will be added daily, right through until the morning of October 31st! You can thank me later. Now, would be fine, too. Either way.

Kevin Bacon pays the price for
Hollow Man.

Friday the 13th
Review written by: Alex Sandell

The Story

Some hippy dude decides to reopen Camp Crystal Lake even though a young boy drowned there and a couple of teenagers were murdered.  The place has been renamed "Camp Doom" by the local townsfolk.  Adult actors playing teenagers go to work as counselors at the camp.  People say stuff to them like, "you're doooooomed" and "crazy kids."  They shrug it off because they're crazy.  And kids (played by people in their mid-20's).  They smoke pot and "fool around" and are killed one-by-one, in painful, bloody ways.  Kevin Bacon wears this weird blue bikini bottom when he swims.  It's supposed to be a mystery (the movie, not Kevin Bacon's bikini).    

How Many Beers Should Be Consumed Before Watching?

Not only is this the first horror movie I ever saw (at 9 years old), it's the first horror movie I ever got drunk watching (at 14).  Drunk, sober, young, old -- the movie is pure slasher goodness.  If you've never drank a sip of alcohol before, don't play a drinking game while watching it.  My friend stole a bottle of whiskey from his dad and we decided to take a shot of the stuff for every kill and every sex scene in the film.  With 10 kills in the movie and at least a couple of sex scenes, I'm surprised we didn't die of alcohol poisoning.  My parents, who had been out of town for the day, came home to find us both passed out on the floor.  My friend literally shit in his pants.  I'd love to see that blurb ("My friend literally shit in his pants!") quoted on the box when this thing is released on HD or Blu-Ray DVD.  Both of us swore off alcohol "forever."  We later discovered that, as a teenager, "forever" means around 2 or 3 months.  I didn't answer the "how many beers" question, did I?  Lots.  But don't blame me if you drop a load in your trousers.  I'm not responsible for your actions.  I just type here. 

Gore Score

Choosing between a score of "Light Bruising," "Recently Deceased," "Badly Decomposed" and "Puke-Inducing," Friday the 13th gets a rating of "Badly Decomposed."  Lots of throat slashing, axes in the head and dudes with arrows stuck in them. If you want a real treat, get yourself a region-free DVD player and check out the uncut, unrated version released overseas by Warner Bros.  If you're not into seeking out hard-to-find stuff from other countries (assuming you're a citizen of the U.S.), the gore in the R-rated version is still pretty intense and should keep your toes tapping. 

Would You Like Cheese With That?

Horror movies can be "Easy on the Cheese," "Regular Cheese," "Extra Cheesy" or "Instant Cheese Based Coronary."  Friday the 13th is "Regular Cheese."  The acting's not the greatest, but Betsy Palmer brings some respectability to the whole thing, even though her lines are pretty campy, "Look what you did to him! LOOK WHAT YOU DID TO HIM!"  Get it, "campy?"  Took me 3 seconds to come up with that one.

Drug Use 

With "Let Off With a Warning," "Pay a Small Fine," "Put on Probation" and "Go Directly to Jail" to choose from, Friday the 13th gets "Put on Probation."  Those crazy kids like smoking their pot.  But they pay for their sins.  Oh, do they pay.  Rumor has it that Pat Robertson was a silent producer on the film.   

Sex and the Psycho

Horror flicks and sex go together like romantic comedies and crap.  A terror movie can be rated "Nun," "Curious Schoolboy," "Chick After 8 Beers" or "Paris Hilton."  It's a "Curious Schoolboy."  The girls and guys in the movie are pretty loose, but we don't really see that much sex.  If you're only in it for the nudity, you should go for part 5 or part 10.  Actually, if you're only in it for the nudity, you should just subscribe to a couple movie channels, wait until about 2 in the morning, and rev up that dusty VCR.

When Should it Crash the Halloween Party?

People should be pretty drunk.  Even though it's a good enough film to watch sober, it's even better when you're trashed.  But you'll be laughing with the film, not at it, right? 

Will You Hate Yourself in the Morning?

Waking up from a night of partying can be downright depressing.  Waking up with a cheap horror movie in your DVD player can feel like "Sex With a Hotty," "Sex With Someone in Your League," "Sex With Your Sister" or "Sex With a Sheep."  Friday the 13th is like having "Sex With a Hotty" (okay, that's 3 in a row -- tomorrow I'll find you guys a real piece of shit that would be more like having sex with a sheep).  I have a soft spot in my heart (don't tell Jason!) for Friday the 13th, being that it was the first "adult" horror film I saw at the tender age of 9 (before that I had to settle for things like the abominable snowman in Rudolph, The Red-Nosed Reindeer.  Hey, I was a kid -- you take your scares where you can get them.).  A lot of people think of this as a Halloween rip-off.  They're absolutely right.  But Friday the 13th introduced the slasher film proper.  Halloween was more of a stalker flick with jiffy-pop.  Halloween had ambition.  Friday the 13th is Debbie Does Dallas to Halloween's 9 1/2 Weeks.  People went to Debbie Does Dallas to watch pretty people get laid.  People went to 9 1/2 Weeks for the same reason, but could pretend they went for something more.  Halloween was a hit because people liked watching people getting killed by some nut in a mask.  Yet, they pretended it was for the quality directing and "Hitchcockian" suspense.  I bet.  Friday the 13th knew just what it was and it embraced the sleaziness of it all.  It was a bunch of teenagers smoking pot, having sex and getting killed by some nut in a mask.  Well, not so much a mask in the first film, but you get the idea.  It's the only film in the series that's even remotely creepy.  The last 15 or 20 minutes is fairly suspenseful, and it has one hell of a climax (I still haven't watched this with someone who hasn't jumped the first time they saw it).  Friday the 13th set the foundation for 9 inferior (but oftentimes worthwhile) sequels and Freddy vs. Jason.  It gave birth to the coolest serial killer of all-time.  It inspired Republicans everywhere by strictly enforcing the death-penalty for anyone caught smoking marijuana or having sex before marriage.  And it gave you something great to play for your friends on Halloween.  What more could you ask for? 

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Fellow horror hound?  Have any comments on this film?  Recommendations for the list?  Email Alex!

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