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The 31 Greatest
Horror Movies For Your 2005 Drunken Halloween Bash
(That Probably Cost Less To Make Than You Paid to Rent Out A Few Kegs*)
Horror Movie # 21: Slugs
Halloween is a weird holiday. It's the only one where we celebrate spirits, reanimated corpses, and death (if you don't count Christmas). It's the one day out of the year where freaks can look normal and normal people go out of their way to look like freaks. And, best of all, it's a great excuse to pull out your stash of horror DVDs -- ranging from laughable low-budget garbage to quality low-budget classics -- and party like those dancing corpses in the Thriller video. Since many people consider a Halloween Party with the Scream trilogy and some Old Milwaukee a "smashing success," I figured I would put my unhealthy obsession with all things horror to good use and let the world in on the cinematic secrets to giving the best damn Halloween party ever! A new movie will be added daily, right through until the morning of October 31st! You can thank me later. Now, would be fine, too. Either way.
If this doesn't scare you, you're
hopeless. "Look! It's got his finger!"
AKA: Slugs: the Movie
Review written by: Alex Sandell
After the evil Mayor refuses to cut off the water supply that's been contaminated by a bunch of man-eating slugs, the county health inspector has to find an alternative way of killing these "frightening" beasts, or "the whole town will die!" Thankfully, the local scientist has developed a "lithium based arsenic" that may be able to wipe these suckers out. Apparently no one in the area had any salt.
How Many Beers Should Be Consumed Before Watching?
This movie is pretty funny without even taking a sip of alcohol. It doesn't mean to be bust-a-gut hysterical, but with people running around screaming things like, "We're dealing with a mutant form of slug here -- a kind that eats meat!" it's nearly impossible not to break out laughing. Would it be better drunk? Oh, most definitely. This could be the unintentional comedy hit of your party. People will be cracking up from beginning to end. They may even demand an encore. I'd say this is a good 6 beer movie. More than that, and you just know the token lightweight in the crowd will get all freaky paranoid and make her companions check the toilet and the sink every single time she uses the bathroom, for the rest of the night. I suppose the token lightweight could be a "he," but only if it's an all male party. Or you live in Bizarro World.
Choosing between a score of "Light Bruising," "Recently Deceased," "Badly Decomposed" and "Puke-Inducing," Slugs gets a rating of "Recently Deceased." I've found posts on old message boards claiming it's the "goriest movie ever," but I guarantee the people writing them were the token lightweights of Halloween past. There are a couple of kind of gross scenes with people's faces melting, or whatever, but they're too cheap and cheesy to cause anyone but the most timid to cringe.
Would You Like Cheese With That?
Horror movies can be "Easy on the Cheese," "Regular Cheese," "Extra Cheesy" or "Instant Cheese Based Coronary." Slugs definitely earns an "Instant Cheese Based Coronary." The film opens with a girl and a guy in a boat. The girl asks, "So, you weren't kidding when you said we were going fishing?" The guy (presumably her boyfriend, although these characters are entirely forgotten for the rest of the movie) responds, "That's what I said, darn it." I had to check the credits to make sure Napoleon Dynamite wasn't the screenwriter for this one. Like a stuffed crust pizza, the film gets cheesier the further into it you get. Even PETA members would laugh when they see the gerbil/hamster/rodent wrestling with the carnivorous slug. It doesn't get any better than hearing the county health inspector (who's named "Mike Brady") looking at a guy whose face has literally melted away in a restaurant and speculating that the tragedy could be, "some kinda food poisoning, or something."
With "Let Off With a Warning," "Pay a Small Fine," "Put on Probation" and "Go Directly to Jail" to choose from, Slugs gets "Let Off With a Warning." People drink. Some even get drunk. There's no law against that, and as long as America has an alcoholic for President, there never will be.
Sex and the Psycho
Horror flicks and sex go together like romantic comedies and crap. A terror movie can be rated "Nun," "Curious Schoolboy," "Chick After 8 Beers" or "Paris Hilton." It's a "Chick After 8 Beers." There's a lot of sex talk ("How about we get naked and get crazy?"), some nudity (a guy's ass and a girl's tits and ass) and a slimy naked chick slithering around in a pile of slugs. I didn't know whether to be disgusted or horny. Then all the fake blood came, and I went with disgusted. Another girl almost gets raped by a guy in a skeleton mask, but escapes into a sewer, where she's devoured by slugs, instead.
When Should it Crash the Halloween Party?
About 3 movies in. Make sure your audience is drunk, but make sure the token lightweight isn't too far gone that she starts buying into what she's seeing on screen. The last thing you wanna be doing is holding her hand every time she has to tinkle.
Will You Hate Yourself in the Morning?
Waking up from a night of partying can be downright depressing. Waking up with a cheap horror movie in your DVD player can feel like "Sex With a Hotty," "Sex With Someone in Your League," "Sex With Your Sister" or "Sex With a Sheep." Slugs is like having "Sex With a Sheep" (I promised you guys I'd find you a real piece of shit movie today, and I delivered). The movie is bad from start to finish, doesn't have a single redeeming value, and really had no right to be released when quality films sat on the shelf, unwatched, unreleased and unheard of. But thankfully the film was made, because you have a Halloween party to host and the host with the most has Slugs in their home. The movie is worth the purchase price just to watch the "teenagers" dancing at an outdoor Halloween party (that's right -- play this one and you'll have a Halloween party within a Halloween party). Make sure you play the scene in slow-motion, for maximum effect. Imagine the fun you could have dancing along with the morons on screen. Make it a theme party and put up some banners exclaiming, "WE HAVE SLUGS IN OUR WATER!" When the line's delivered in the film, sit back proudly and watch your friends cheer. Don't forget to play the trailer included with the DVD. A surefire group-laugh will arise when the announcer says, in all seriousness, "Whatever you do, don't make out when your parents aren't home." Ooh ... terrifying. Thanks for the warning. The marketing department that came up with that gem must be the one currently working on Serenity. The final shot of the movie, with its ominous music playing as the camera closes in on A LONE SLUG should get people going, once again. I don't know if a full minute of the film passes that doesn't have at least one scene worthy of being laughed at (somehow I doubt it). Didn't the people behind this movie realize slugs just aren't scary? Even plastic ones that look fake and have sharp looking plastic teeth? Toward the end of the movie, when Mike Brady proclaims, "This things turned into a total disaster," he ain't just whistlin' Dixie.
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Fellow horror hound? Have any comments on this film? Recommendations for the list? Email Alex!
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