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The 31 Greatest Horror Movies For Your 2005 Drunken Halloween Bash
(That Probably Cost Less To Make Than You Paid to Rent Out A Few Kegs*)
Horror Movie # 17:  Rats: Night of Terror

Halloween is a weird holiday. It's the only one where we celebrate spirits, reanimated corpses, and death (if you don't count Christmas). It's the one day out of the year where freaks can look normal and normal people go out of their way to look like freaks. And, best of all, it's a great excuse to pull out your stash of horror DVDs -- ranging from laughable low-budget garbage to quality low-budget classics -- and party like those dancing corpses in the Thriller video. Since many people consider a Halloween Party with the Scream trilogy and some Old Milwaukee a "smashing success," I figured I would put my unhealthy obsession with all things horror to good use and let the world in on the cinematic secrets to giving the best damn Halloween party ever! A new movie will be added daily, right through until the morning of October 31st! You can thank me later. Now, would be fine, too. Either way.

Maybe it's just me, but it doesn't look like it's night,
and no one looks to be in terror.

Rats: Night of Terror
AKA: Blood Kill
Review written by: Alex Sandell

The Story

A nuclear war has killed most of humanity.  A bunch of bikers looking for food and supplies enter a town infested with rats.  Mean rats with an appetite. 

How Many Beers Should Be Consumed Before Watching?

A dozen, or more (unless you're a real lightweight).  This movie is bad.  Your brain cells need to be as dead as the screenwriter's must have been when he came up with this shit. 

Gore Score

Choosing between a score of "Light Bruising," "Recently Deceased," "Badly Decomposed" and "Puke-Inducing," Rats: Night of Terror is "Badly Decomposed."  It is impressive how much gore they can get out of a bunch of rats.  One guy sort of swells up and you see rats inside his guts.  Rats climb into and out of people's mouths.  Surprisingly, there are no "rats!" jokes in the movie.  5 years later Indiana Jones and the Last Crusade would submit to the whole play on words thing, regarding the dirty rodents. 

Would You Like Cheese With That?

Horror movies can be "Easy on the Cheese," "Regular Cheese," "Extra Cheesy" or "Instant Cheese Based Coronary."  Rats: Night of Terror is an "Instant Cheese Based Coronary."  This is one of the cheesiest movies ever made.  And none of it is intentional.  Making it even cheesier. 

Drug Use 

With "Let Off With a Warning," "Pay a Small Fine," "Put on Probation" and "Go Directly to Jail" to choose from, Rats: Night of Terror gets "Let Off With a Warning."  I guess that illicit drugs don't carry on after a nuclear war, like it's said cockroaches will.  Maybe surviving humans will find a way to smoke cockroach.  Mmm ... "roachy." 

Sex and the Psycho

Horror flicks and sex go together like romantic comedies and crap.  A terror movie can be rated "Nun," "Curious Schoolboy," "Chick After 8 Beers" or "Paris Hilton."  Rats: Night of Terror gets the coveted "Paris Hilton" rating.  Two people fuck in front of their friend, who just sits there and whines that they should take it outside.  The guy having sex says the whiner is wrecking the mood.  It's really strange.  There's tits and ass shown during a sex scene and some prolonged nudity, including bush.  The non-shaved kind, popular in the early 80's. 

When Should it Crash the Halloween Party?

Late.  Not as late as the good horror movies only horror movie fans could appreciate, but late enough that everyone is really drunk and won't blame you for destroying their lives by showing them this movie.

Will You Hate Yourself in the Morning?

Waking up from a night of partying can be downright depressing.  Waking up with a cheap horror movie in your DVD player can feel like "Sex With a Hotty," "Sex With Someone in Your League," "Sex With Your Sister" or "Sex With a Sheep."  Rats: Night of Terror is like having "Sex With a Sheep" -- A really ugly sheep even the other sheep wouldn't stick their dicks in.  I couldn't decide whether or not to add this one to the list.  I remembered it was bad, but it was so bad it was good when I watched it with some friends.  We laughed harder at the dialogue in this than we ever did at any comedy.  But watching it all by myself to do this review, was literally a "night of terror."  The movie's only 90 minutes long, but I stopped it four times, when the pain became unbearable.  Its only saving grace is the horrible dialogue.  The voice actors they chose to do the dubbing are literally the worst I've ever heard, and I've heard some pretty bad dubbing in my time (is there such a thing as good dubbing?).  Whoever translated this had to have been joking.  There's no way Claudio Fragasso could have written lines this bad.  Someone's lit on fire, burned to nothing but a skeleton, and then a character yells, "finish him!" and another character shoots the charred bones.  And that's about the best it gets.  The plot is insanely stupid.  The characters are desperately hungry and looking for food and when they finally come across sugar and flour, the first thing they do is dance a jig and cover their bodies with the powder.  Er ... wasn't the plan to feed yourselves?  At least two times in the movie a character is trapped in a sleeping bag with rats and the bag won't unzip.  The character perishes.  Have any of you ever been in a sleeping bag?  If the zipper's stuck, you can crawl right out the top.  But in Rats: Night of Terror, we get to watch characters screaming as they're consumed by rats and desperately trying to unzip themselves and escape the impenetrable sleeping bag they're trapped inside of.  Admittedly, it's hard not to laugh at how ridiculous it looks (and it's moments like these that earned this film a place on the Halloween list).  This movie is for Halloween only.  If you actually watch it for enjoyment, you need help.  It's there to watch once, laugh at and then use the DVD as a coaster.  I've never heard lines as stupid as these.  Even if you tried, you couldn't make up dialogue this cheesy.  Play this at your party, but burn it the next day.  Rats:  Night of Terror is one night you'll never want to relive.

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Fellow horror hound?  Have any comments on this film?  Recommendations for the list?  Email Alex!

RECENT REVIEWS (click here to see ALL films reviewed in the last six months):

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The Dukes of Hazzard
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Star Wars: Episode III - Revenge of the Sith

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