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The 31 Greatest Horror Movies For Your 2005 Drunken Halloween Bash
(That Probably Cost Less To Make Than You Paid to Rent Out A Few Kegs*)
Horror Movie # 26:  House

Halloween is a weird holiday. It's the only one where we celebrate spirits, reanimated corpses, and death (if you don't count Christmas). It's the one day out of the year where freaks can look normal and normal people go out of their way to look like freaks. And, best of all, it's a great excuse to pull out your stash of horror DVDs -- ranging from laughable low-budget garbage to quality low-budget classics -- and party like those dancing corpses in the Thriller video. Since many people consider a Halloween Party with the Scream trilogy and some Old Milwaukee a "smashing success," I figured I would put my unhealthy obsession with all things horror to good use and let the world in on the cinematic secrets to giving the best damn Halloween party ever! A new movie will be added daily, right through until the morning of October 31st! You can thank me later. Now, would be fine, too. Either way.


Drink 'til she's cute, dude!

House
Review written by: Alex Sandell

The Story

After his aunt commits suicide, Roger Cobb moves into her house and confronts the rubber monsters that haunt the place and the memories of the Vietnam War that haunt him.  Oh, he's also looking for his missing child.  And Norm (George Wendt) from Cheers is his neighbor.  When he comes on screen everyone watching the DVD can scream, "NORM!"   

How Many Beers Should Be Consumed Before Watching?

This movie works best after consuming 7 or 8 beers.  The fat witch bitch is actually pretty freaky until you hit beer 7 or 8, and then she's just hilarious and rubbery.  Rumor has it she's even better after smoking a little grass.  Aren't all women? 

Gore Score

Choosing between a score of "Light Bruising," "Recently Deceased," "Badly Decomposed" and "Puke-Inducing," House gets a "Light Bruising" rating.  This is the wimpiest movie on the list of horror movies for Halloween parties, so if you have any big pussies at your party watch this one while they're still there and then kick them out.

Would You Like Cheese With That?

Horror movies can be "Easy on the Cheese," "Regular Cheese," "Extra Cheesy" or "Instant Cheese Based Coronary."  House is actually a pretty respectable horror/comedy.  Because of its low budget, some of the monsters (especially the two things in the fireplace) look like people in rubber masks, but if you get past that, it only warrants a "Regular Cheese."  Have I used the word "rubber" too many times in this review, without making a condom joke? 

Drug Use 

With "Let Off With a Warning," "Pay a Small Fine," "Put on Probation" and "Go Directly to Jail" to choose from, House gets "Let Off With a Warning."  You see a soldier smoking pot in Vietnam.  Who got those guys that weed, anyway?  I've always wondered that. 

Sex and the Psycho

Horror flicks and sex go together like romantic comedies and crap.  A terror movie can be rated "Nun," "Curious Schoolboy," "Chick After 8 Beers" or "Paris Hilton."  House is a "Nun."  You see one girl in a skimpy bathing suit.  She has a nice ass, but so do plenty of nuns. 

When Should it Crash the Halloween Party?

House should either arrive early, so the wimps can watch it and leave or late in the evening, when people are drunk enough to really want to laugh, but not quite drunk enough to want to get into an unwarranted fist-fight with other people for laughing. 

Will You Hate Yourself in the Morning?

Waking up from a night of partying can be downright depressing.  Waking up with a cheap horror movie in your DVD player can feel like "Sex With a Hotty," "Sex With Someone in Your League," "Sex With Your Sister" or "Sex With a Sheep."  House is like waking up realizing you had sex "With Someone in Your League."  Maybe even a little out of your league, if you're sort of ugly.  The movie makes with the scary in a way that gets under your skin like a needle when you're shooting heroin.  Harry Manfredini essentially uses the exact same score he created for Friday the 13th, but it works well enough for the film.  Steve Miner proves his directing chops once again, after already successfully turning the Friday the 13th series into a franchise by directing its first two sequels (he went on to revive the dying Halloween franchise when he directed Halloween H20).  The movie borrows from all the right places, including Edgar Allen Poe's Tell-Tale Heart and Sam Raimi's Evil Dead.  The cast is almost too good for a low-budget horror flick and, with exception made for a slow start, the pacing is perfect.  You may find yourself nursing your hangover with this one on November 1st.  Sober, the monster moments you found so funny the night before may actually turn scary.  And then you'll vomit and swear that you're never drinking again.  You will.

It took every ounce of my willpower to write a review of the movie House and talk about how it would be good for a party, and not make even one joke about a "House Party."  Now I just sort of did.  Damn. 


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Fellow horror hound?  Have any comments on this film?  Recommendations for the list?  Email Alex!

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