God: Act 17,000,000,000
Written by: Alex Sandell

That nutty Lord. Last I checked he was responsible for every natural disaster known to man. Earthquakes, tornadoes, hurricanes (I still wonder why one hasn't been named after Jesus. "Hurricane Jesus" just has such a strong ring to it), floods and anything that goes wrong with your family.

The death of your fish - God took him.
The death of your Aunt - It was God.
Grandma kicked the bucket - God was there to help her.
Grandpa went along with her - God had a hand in that too.

Trust me . . . if things suck, God is going to be there. At funerals, without fail, the Priest or Preacher is going to get on "stage" and talk about how "God" took the deceased (he or she gets paid big bucks to tell tall-tales to the mourning). God stole the one you loved from you. You may not understand it now, but God-Damnit (pun was more than intended - it was planned), God wants it that way.

Whatever God wants, he's gonna get it. No one really knows why. Well, I guess he is God, which should maybe give him a little extra. Blaming the dude they claim to worship whenever something goes bad is also a convenient copout for bible-bangers everywhere.

"Oh, man, that sucks your mom died prematurely - I'm sure she's happy in Heaven. God must have wanted it that way."

We humans lay a lot of guilt on that Lord of ours.

From what I hear, my grandma, grandpa, closest relative, best friend, uncle, dog and maybe even long-lost friend, Justin (milk-cartons just aren't good enough for his fanatic parents) have all been taken by the Lord above. Each of them "taken" (I still prefer "stolen") long before their "time". But this is "God's Doing" I am told.

What if God doesn't feel like doing it? Wouldn't you get sick of being behind the deaths of so many loved ones? The misery that it causes? I mean, come on, could you really handle summoning hurricane after hurricane (especially if none of them were named after your son) upon innocent people, letting hundreds die and thousands lose all that they have?

Could you take that on, Mr. Cool?

I'm not sure, but last time I looked, McDonald's handbooks only asked you to dish out a slow and subtle death to your customers at minimum wage. That is one thing, but this God shit is on a whole 'nother level. A level that the almighty Bill Gates may not be able to handle, even with a Pentium II and Windows '98.

No wonder so many people are sent to Hell.

I mean, honestly, this must be the only outlet our supreme-being gets. Fuck a few-thousand people over, send another hundred to Hell. Yippee-ki-yay, this is Eternity you stupid bastard!

Sending someone to Hell is like a giant Espresso for the Lord. Calms the nerves as it pumps the Man up! It's a release. Everyone needs a release. Even a super-power who is so above our level of comprehension, we simply make stuff up about him. Is there any other reason for Hell? Would you like cream with that, Mr. God?

Obviously God loves his Espresso. If there were no need for revenge, hatred, hellfire and doom, the Lord Almighty would be content catching and releasing shoplifters in a great Wal-Mart in the sky.

Hell is God's Maximum Security Prison. There is no death penalty there. The penalty is the fact that there is never a death. People getting under the Lord's skin? Well, at least He can send 'em to Hell. Maybe it soothes Him. A place to forget about all of the death and destruction caused by His Almighty Hand.

God is a gigantic baby. He gives you life and then burns you up in your death if you say the wrong thing. And death is forever. I bet that gives God the giggles.

I challenge God, if He's there. If He's there I ask Him to remove the earthquakes and get rid of this horrible death and suffering we humans have to endure. I want to just be born into eternity. Doesn't that make more sense? Why should I have to earn it, when I didn't even ask for it in the first fucking place? If God truly knows who is going to go to Hell and who is going to join him in Heaven, why doesn't he just create the "good people" in Heaven and never even give life to the damned? I'm sure all those currently in eternal torment would have been grateful.

This "live-die-be-born-again" concept is almost as bad an idea as capitalism. Maybe, like capitalism, it worked in theory, but it isn't working in practice. I don't want to see my grandma have heart-surgery. I don't want epilepsy. I don't want my best friend's dad to be lying in a hospital bed due to some lame heart-attack.

Yes, I challenge God. I want to take his place. I could do better. Straighten things up around there a little bit.

Hell would be obsolete. The earth would be a much more pleasant place. Enough with these hurricanes, already. What a waste of time. Your public is starving, bub - do something about it. Making scary storms is the least of your concerns.

C'mon God - I'm making this public. I'm taking you on in front of thousands of "your" people. It's you against me. I question your kingdom and I will sit on your thrown.

"Totally Juicy Kingdom of Freaks" is gonna take over. I will win and prove God a failure. I will be You and You will be me, and I am nothing. This is gonna be a blast!

Isn't this why Lucifer was sent to Hell? *Gulp*

1998 Alex Sandell [All Rights Reserved]. I just challenged God. Wanna try me, mother fucker?

(Yes, I do hope God can understand satire.)

My GOD (oops) man, head back to the table of brains