Conversation With The Lord
By: Alex Sandell
Juicy Cerebellum: Thanks for showing up.
God: No problem. I'm sorry about standing you up for the last interview, but things got really wild between Zeus and I.
Juicy Cerebellum: Uh, I thought Zeus was fake?
God: Hey, he's just as real as me.
Juicy Cerebellum: I 'spose I should tell you, right off
the bat, that The Juicy Cerebellum isn't the most
wholesome site around.
God: Look, I'm the guy that invented the rectum, you think I can't handle it?
Juicy Cerebellum: Well, I thought sex was a sin?
God: It is, but taking a dump, isn't making love.
Juicy Cerebellum: But you invented sex, too.
God: No, I invented reproduction, you mortals are the ones that turned it into a billion-dollar industry.
Juicy Cerebellum: Since it's a sin, why did you make sex
feel so good?
God: I was drunk.
Juicy Cerebellum: Drunk?!?
God: Trashed, actually.
Juicy Cerebellum: You drink?
God: I used to, back when I was the only thing in existence. I Got kinda bored of myself, so I invented alcohol. Then I went through all the other drugs, and when the fun wore off, I started inventing planets, and stuff . . . but not before inventing "12 steps."
Juicy Cerebellum: Wow, God was a Junkie.
God: I don't know why that surprises you, so much. Where do you think baboon's came from?
Juicy Cerebellum: You were drunk?
God: Oh, yeah. That's actually the reason I stopped drinking. I woke up with a hell of a hangover, and this weird, ape-thing, with this gigantic, swollen butt, sticking in my face.
Juicy Cerebellum: Why don't you just fix it?
God: It's fun to watch you mortals blushing, when you're at the zoo. It reminds each of you that you have butts of your own. That's priceless.
Juicy Cerebellum: Um, since you're here, I can't help
but ask, am I ever gonna make it as a writer?
God: No. You're one of my special people. You're not gonna make it as anything. Well, one day you might make it out of the basement, but that's about the farthest you'll go.
Juicy Cerebellum: I'll get my just rewards, in Heaven?
God: Actually, no.
Juicy Cerebellum: I'm going to Hell?!?
God: You'll probably just die. I invented Hell for the Republicans . . . and citizens of France (maybe a couple folks from Sweden, too).
Juicy Cerebellum: What about all those evil people
featured in the EX-files?
God: I hate a liar, as much as the next person. Lying and cheating to a loved one is terrible. I'm thinking about adding on an addition, to house people like that. It's just that Hell is too good for them. i think i'll create a whole new sub-level of pain and misery.
Juicy Cerebellum: Thank God!
God: You're welcome.
Juicy Cerebellum: Instead of making evil people, and
Hell, why didn't you just invent the GOOD people, and let them be
born in Heaven, and just skip this whole earth/mortality thing?
God: Because, Eve ate the apple.
Juicy Cerebellum: Why didn't you just not invent the
apple, in the first place?
God: Is this interview going to take much longer? I'm really pressed for time, here.
Juicy Cerebellum: You're avoiding the question.
God: So are you.
Juicy Cerebellum: What question?
God: Is this interview going to take much longer?
Juicy Cerebellum: Oh. You have to answer first, cuz I
was the first to ask.
God: No, you have to answer first, cuz I'm God.
Juicy Cerebellum: Fine - no, this interview won't take
God: Good, I'm a busy man.
Juicy Cerebellum: So, God is a man!
God: What did you expect, a monkey?
Juicy Cerebellum: I better not say, a feminist may be
God: Feminists can read? And who said there aren't any miracles, nowadays?
juicy cerebellum: You do know you're gonna get lots of
complaints, about that one, don't you?
god: You humans are always complaining. my worst mistake was vocal chords. Now, I really have to fly. Jesus is in a fight with Hercules, again.
Juicy Cerebellum: Wait! Aren't you going to answer the
God: No time. I'll get back to you in the 23rd century. Oh, gee - you'll be dead. Tough break. See ya.
All writing on this page is ©1997 Alex Sandell [All Rights Reserved]. Before you get tempted to steal it, I'd remember - I'm in good with God, now.
You know the routine, just click it.
You may be wondering, "why is there a picture of the devil on the page where you interview the Lord?" Well, that's a good question.
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