Totally Juicy Predictions
For The Next Millenium
Predicted by: Alex Sandell
* Fabio will be forgotten and we'll finally believe that it's butter.
* Meaning will be given to men's nipples when radical feminists have them surgically altered to be used as flashlights.
* McDonald's will be remembered as a mass-delusion. A place where humans readily forked out cash for rotten food, stupid employees, and lots of zits.
* Taco Bell will simply include
marijuana in its burritos, rather than inconvenience its late-light
"tokers" by forcing them to smoke the stuff before arriving.
* Bill Clinton will be put down in history, not for his political high jinks, but for the size of his gigantic cock.
* All prejudice between white and blacks are banished. Now only fat people, ugly folk, and acne-prone adolescents are allowed to be made fun of. It is made into the "fat people, ugly folk, and acne-prone adolescents suck" amendment. President Ventura signs it into office, immediately before resigning to "renew" his professional wrestling career where he calls himself, "The Presinator."
* Madonna's breasts fall off.
* The entire human race will join hands and finally admit that they are greedy, and don't give a shit about anyone but themselves, and maybe, if they're feeling really generous, their offspring.
* The Walton family, of Wal-Mart fame, will be the first to admit to this self-indulging exorbitance (after being pressured for years by the English Tabloids). When asked if, now that they realize how greedy they are, they're going to give something back, the only response the Waltons give is, "we don't know what 'giving' means. We love America, as long as Slave-Labor in third-world countries is legal, and we can hang American flags all over our stores. Yellow Smiley-faces RULE!"
* Walt Disney goes broke when people find out that Walt Disney is really, "a bald dead guy."
* Breast implants are officially considered "fake" by the library of congress. It goes on to produce a bestseller titled, "Breast Implants Are Officially Considered Fake" and makes millions. Plenty of "before and after" pics are included. It's considered "not-for-profit."
* The Juicy Cerebellum finally makes a profit on its shirt, in the year 2,073, and declares it a holiday. Only one person listens, and he responds by shooting himself.
* George Lucas loses 35 pounds and takes Fergie's place as a Weight Watchers spokesmen. The campaign fails when people keep saying, "hey, he kinda looks like the young Jabba, now."
* Life expectancy raises to 1,020, but only in a virtual world. Soon, the US runs out of quarters for the "Virtual Forever" machine and has to supplement people's addictions by feeding them Nestle Ice Tea, claiming "it can make you live 1,020 years."
* This update reaches millions of people, and makes a fortune for its author, but only after he's dead.
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©1999 Alex Sandell [All Rights Reserved]. I predict that, if you copy this, I'll sue your ass off in the year 2000.