100 Reasons Why We Still Suck
Written by: Alex Sandell
I've been suffering from some serious 1900's post-partum depression, as of late. I know 2000 is just another insignificant number, but the general public keeps telling me that it should mean something. All the politicians keep telling me what a great state the world is in, on the brink of this new millennium. All the marketers keep telling me I should celebrate by buying a Chevy truck to take through the drive-thru at DQ to celebrate the "MEALennium." Yet, even after watching all of the 30 second television spots and gulping down two .99 cent hot fudge sundaes, I still find myself focusing on all the SHIT we're bringing with us as we enter a new century. So, in the typical upbeat Juicy Cerebellum fashion you've all grown so accustomed to, I want to leave the 1900's behind by pointing out all of the things we're still doing wrong, even as we enter the 21st century.
Thing Number 1: We're
2: We're still homophobic.
3: We still don't understand that homophobia and racism are the same thing.
4: We're still self-centered little bastards.
5: We still think of our petty race as "heroic," every time we watch, "It's a Wonderful Life."
6: Jay Leno still isn't funny.
7: We still lie to our children about fictional characters such as Santa Claus, The Easter Bunny and God.
8: The spirit of Christmas is still being mass-produced by Hallmark.
9: There are still Republicans.
10: Republicans are still deluding themselves just as badly as they ever have.
11: There's still no socialized medicine.
12: There are still people wasting all their time on stopping the SPAM inside of their emailbox rather than concentrating on the millions of problems outside of their house.
13: There still hasn't been a movie as good as Star Wars.
14: People are still lying when they say they don't care about looks.
15: My ex still hasn't figured out the meaning of the word "forever" and is still busy freezing her ass off up in Sweden, half a world away from me.
16: We still haven't bombed Sweden.
17: I still have feelings for my ex; even though I wouldn't mind America using her entire country as a nuclear bomb testing facility.
18: People still hate whatever they don't understand.
19: People still don't understand me.
20: My butt is still hairy.
21: People are still having babies at a rate that will prove disastrous to the world that they live in.
22: We're still polluting, without a second thought to the consequences.
23: Chatrooms are still filled with idiots.
24: Idiots still intrigue me.
25: I'm still getting hatemail from a lot of idiots.
26: The Information age is still doing nothing but proving how much our sex-drive controls us.
27: The naked women in the Penthouse video I'm watching right now still haven't came to life, walked out of my TV, and asked me for a date.
28: I'm still hoping they will.
29: There's still no one who has had the balls (or should I say "breasts") to go through with becoming the next Super Juicy Topless Girl.
30: People are still getting cheap laughs out of fart jokes.
31: I'm still thanking people in advance for things I know they'll never do.
32: The music on that Penthouse video is still really annoying.
33: I'm still not turning the volume down, even though the remote is right next to me.
34: My spider still hasn't molted.
35: Drugs still aren't legal.
36: Innocent people are still getting killed, every day, in drug wars, because of it.
37: We're still in "the wake of the Columbine tragedy."
38: We'll still be there at this time next year.
39: I still say that's a pretty damn long wake.
40: The NRA is still claiming that guns don't kill people; people do.
41: That's still the lamest excuse I've heard since, "I wasn't poking holes in the condom, I was sewing it up."
42: There's still 5 times more people that have promised to contribute to "The Juicy Cerebellum" than have actually contributed. Please send all cash, checks and money orders to Alex Sandell @ PO BOX 331, ALEXANDRIA MN, 56308. Thanks. (See thing # 31.)
43: The rich are still getting richer, and the poor are still staying poor.
44: Capitalism still sucks.
45: Corporations are still getting away with murder, while the little guy can't get away with ripping off a candy bar from a corporation.
46: People are still going to accuse me of being a "commie" because I believe that 80% of the nation's economy shouldn't be going to the upper 20% of people, most of whom have been born into their riches, when the bottom 10% is going hungry or living off stamps. "The Sperm Lotto"
47: I'm still pissed I didn't win the sperm lotto.
48: People who choose to have abortions are still ridiculed and hated by many.
49: Many people still have abortions.
50: Midgets still aren't any taller.
51: I've still never had sex with a midget.
52: I still don't want to, even though it would make for a GREAT update.
53: McDonald's still isn't unionized.
54: Unions are still frowned upon by people who haven't worked for a union.
55: Wal-Mart is still playing that lame anti-union video to its employees, trying to convince them that working bad hours for minimum wage is much better than getting ten bucks an hour, benefits and weekends off.
56: I still haven't found Waldo in every picture.
57: "The Smurfs" still haven't made a comeback.
58: Good music is still ignored.
59: I pressed the "mute" button, and can no longer hear the music on the Penthouse video I'm watching, but I still can't get it out of my head.
60: My penis is still only six-inches.
61: The words "prick," "dick," "pecker" and "cock" are all accepted, but "cunt" still isn't.
62: People are still ignoring double-standards.
63: Girls can ride boy's bikes, but boys still can't ride girl's bikes.
64: A female doctor is looked up to; a male nurse is still laughed at.
65: I still don't have anyone to kiss at midnight; 2000.
66: I still think that's pretty embarrassing to admit.
67: I still doubt there will be any volunteers, unless I'm at a graveyard.
68: Monica Lewinsky is still popular.
69: John Lennon is still dead.
70: Even alive, John Lennon still wouldn't have written the soundtrack to this Penthouse video.
71: I'm still guessing Yoko Ono did.
72: People still tell me to grow up.
73: Women still can't breastfeed in most public places.
74: I still can't watch women breastfeed in most public places.
75: Women still aren't breastfeeding me.
76: I still want them to.
77: People are still being tortured across the world.
78: I still don't know my geography well, so I can't go and save them.
79: I still run out of things to type around # 70.
80: I still keep typing things.
81: I'm still not even close to 100.
82: Hippies are still annoying.
83: Yuppies are still hypocritical hippies.
84: Walt Disney is still in existence.
85: Chicken McNuggets still tempt me.
86: Adding the "Mc" before "Nuggets" is still totally nerdy.
87: Grown adults still don't realize how dorky they sound when they order a box of "McNuggets" with a side order of "McSauce."
88: I still haven't been able to find "McCondoms" in the McDonald's bathrooms, and some of those McCashiers are pretty McSexy.
89: We're still eating too much red-meat, and cow farts are still screwing up the environment.
90: We're still blaming cow's rectums as pollutants, rather than looking at ourselves.
91: I'm still not getting any younger.
92: If I was, I still wouldn't be getting laid.
93: People still pretend to be offended over "curse" words.
94: I still say, "fuck those uptight bastards."
95: Number 94 still doesn't fit in with the theme of this update, very well.
96: Most people still don't have the "chiller" font, and this update will look like shit to them.
97: Most people are still emailing me at the wrong address, and I won't get their letters, even though I inform them that my new address is firstname.lastname@example.org
98: I still think adding the "007" to my name was kind of nerdy.
99: The majority of humans still don't know that we don't enter the next century until the year 2001.
100: All of them still look like morons.
Happy fucking new year.
Copyright 1999 Alex Sandell [All Rights Reserved]. I still can't think of a copyright notice worthy of capping off an entire century. At least I still have another 12 months. So, who wants to fuck me?
ALL responses to this update WILL be responded to within 5 days (if Y2K doesn't get back AT you, first). I'm sorry I haven't been getting back to a lot of you. I'm still kind of lazy.
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