September 1^st, 1997
Gee, maybe I should keep that speedometer below 100 when I'm driving through narrow tunnels with a bunch of guys on my tail.

September 2^nd, 1997
If schools were really a place to "learn," wouldn't you think that they would occasionally hire teachers that could actually "think?"

September 4^th, 1997
For a person to really be a man, they would have to have a penis.

September 5^th, 1997
I hate Bill Gates

September 6^th, 1997
It would be nice if everyone in the world, no matter how difficult it is, boycotted Microsoft.   It's been a while since there's been a revolution.   BRING DOWN THE SUPER NERD!

September 8^th, 1997
Drinking lots of coffee gives you diarrhea.

September 9^th, 1997
I wonder if using the word "dick" as slang for "penis," originated from Dick Clark.

September 10^th, 1997
If you had mucous in your feces, it would probably look sort of like an ice cream twist cone. 

September 13^th, 1997
Feminism is an excuse.

September 16^th, 1997
People always say crap like, "no matter how ugly you are . . . no matter how depressed you are . . . no matter how crazy you are . . . there's always somebody uglier, more depressed, or crazier than you."  But, what if you really are the craziest, ugliest, or most depressed?  Wouldn't that mean the people telling you that there are others worse, just be getting your hopes up?

September 18^th, 1997
More people should probably be taking the "profound thought of the day" contest.

September 19^th, 1997
Short people probably get stuck smelling a lot more gross things like armpits and butts.

September 20^th, 1997
If there were really a God, would he actually invent hemorrhoids?

September 21^st, 1997
Benny said "poop," he said, "poopy-poop," and that was the newest, news scoop.

September 22^nd, 1997
George Lucas loves midgets.

September 23^rd, 1997
If humanity was a product; I'd be a returned item, sitting on the clearance rack, where no one would buy me, just waiting to get melted down, and then thrown off a great big cliff, onto a rocky beach, where a seagull would pick on me, and some fat guy would sit.  Kind of like a "Richard Simmons" doll.  Ew. 

September 24^th, 1997
Chewing on your skin, to the point of puncturing it, just for something to do, really isn't that smart (but it sure is amazingly fun).

September 25^th, 1997
It's a funny thing when you see an ex, and she's all fat and ugly, and then you laugh at her, and say, "wow, you sure have gotten all fat and ugly since I saw you last," and then she has a heart-attack, and dies. 

September 26^th, 1997
I wish I had irritable bowel syndrome.

September 27^th, 1997
"Fire Down Below" sounds like a movie about syphilis.