A Porn Catalog
Written by: Alex Sandell
I received an "Adam & Eve" sex catalog in the mail today. It read "Last Chance Ever!". It was the seventh time they've mentioned that. I'm starting to question their honesty.
I'm not sure how I began receiving this catalog; although I have a couple of hunches. I'm guessing it was either by ordering "Debbie Does Dallas: The Next Generation" and having my address sold off to other porn-prone dealers, or by my sending a postage-paid brick to the NRA. Disney may also have something to do with it, being that I began receiving "Disney Adventures" magazine, free-of-charge, at around the same time. Still, I'm guessing both have been sent by the NRA in an attempt to slowly drive me crazy, in revenge for the brick incident.
No matter how it started coming (hehe), it did, and now it keeps arriving on a regular basis. Every month offering me clever prizes such as $69,000.00 (get it? "69"? Someone worked hard thinking of that.) and "free gifts" with every order. (Aren't most gifts a person receives "free"? Does it need to be stated? Have you ever bought a gift for yourself and then paid yourself back for it? I did that once. It wasn't very fulfilling. Yet, I'm getting sidetracked within parenthesis which are basically nothing more than a "legal" way of allowing yourself to get sidetracked without stepping out of the grammatical boundaries placed upon you by people who place such things upon a person.)
This month, if I order, not only do I get special free gifts and the chance to win $69,000, I also receive 7 FREE XXX (wouldn't one X have done the trick?) videos, all placed on one tape for my "convenience", and 50% off of my order. I have been offered 50% off before, but they claim this is the last time it will be offered to me. To be honest, they've claimed that at least 3 times before. I wonder what part of "last" porn peddlers don't understand?
Anyway, with buys like this, I figured how could I pass it up? But first, I have to have money to buy the stuff that allows me to get junk for free. So, I pick up my INSTANT WIN card and see what happens. I begin scratching. Things are feeling pretty good. I think I may actually be the 1 in 5,000 to win something. Especially because I'm writing an update about it. It's good publicity, right? So I continue scratching (no pun intended) and end up with . . .
"Sorry. Try Again."?!? Ooh . . . this isn't gonna play well for the update. Well, fair is fair and this wasn't, but we have to move on, even when we don't win hot cash and cool porn. So move on I will do. With only $20.00 in hand, what can I buy so I can get my seven FREE XXX videos (all on one tape, remember, for my convenience)??? Let me browse the tantalizing pages of Adam & Eve.
Page 2 brings 3 items all under the $20.00 mark (after the half-price discount, of course). There's the porn movie "Dreamers" for only $34.95 (cut that in half if you want my 50% discount). Adam & Eve call it "A Triple-X Sci-Fi Sexcursion!" I guess one X wasn't enough. Although numerous pictures of girls sucking on blurred penises and a man with his face buried deep inside a woman's muff is indeed tempting, I think I'll pass. Maybe it was the word "Sexcursion" that did it. Maybe it was the lousy plot. Either way, it didn't suck (hehe) me in the way it wanted to. Next we have a bunch of condoms in a "re-usable tin"! Initially I read it as "re-usable condoms". This frightened me. Forget that idea. Then we have the incredible "Slipslide" lotion. It "Stays Slick Longer"! Although it claims it won't stain my sheets, and lubes me up for a long, long time, I think I'll stick with Vaseline; at least for now.
With page 2 completely missing the mark I quickly move us to page 3. There's two more videos I could pick up. One with "Girl/Girl Action To The Max!" The other declaring "Lexus is BAD! REAL BAD!" Gee, if she's so bad, why is she acting? I guess that one's out. Finally there's some CD that claims it "sets the mood" for sex. I think I'll stick with the always trustworthy "Blood, Guts and Pussy" punk-rock extravaganza created by the once decent Dwarves.
Page four is more of the same, except for . . . what's this? "Beenie Weenies"! They're like Beanie Babies, only they're shaped like a penis! This could be good for a laugh!!! At only $12.95 a pop (hehe), I could get both the pink and the black. With my 50% discount that would only put me out (don't you just hate "putting out"?) around $15.00 . . . well below the $20.00 maximum spending allotment I have given myself. I better keep page 4 in mind. Things are looking up. Not only are they looking up, they're doing it with the power of BEANIE!
Page five just has a bunch more videos, a 1-900 ad (only $3.99 a minute!) and some stupid thing that "makes your skin sparkle!". Being that I have no plans to become a male-stripper any time soon, I can't see any use for page 5.
Page 6 goes back to videos while page 7 enters "The Dildo Zone". Page 7 is also the point where I begin getting sexually aroused looking at all the photos of naked women Adam & Eve have included for my viewing pleasure. Although I have no need for a dildo, I do have to take a break here for a few minutes while I um . . . get ready for bed and then wash my hands. Please pretend Jeopardy music is playing in your head while I play with myse . . . get ready for bed.
Okay, back. Just give me a second to wipe off the keyboard. aglkjslb;hkljk;ljkfnm kblfmn irj;aohbjtgh[plkrg"Pikg vpok"gvo jgvibhpokgvbifbhjuintboknjte. Alright, done. For some reason it had suddenly grown sticky. Did I say "grown"? I meant "become". It had suddenly become sticky. Nothing was growing around here, damnit. Now, where were we? Ah yes, page 8.
Page 8 gives us "Dark Divas" (translated from porn this means: "nude black chicks"), another 1-900 number and anal probes. ANAL PROBES! AAAAAHHH!!! I always thought those things were lollipops. Excuse me while I go use mouthwash. Please return to your Jeopardy soundtrack.
Okay, back again. Page 9 is just more videos, some thing that no girl I know would ever wear, some underwear that I would never wear (although the "100% silk" part of the offer is a bit tempting) and a thing that says "Backdoor Fans, You'll Sing It's Praises!" "I'll Sing It Is Praises"? You would think they'd get the right form of "its" before sending this out to millions of "Disney Adventures" readers. Well, I like the backdoor, so I guess this might be interesting. Still, what does this nobby little device have to do with my backdoor? Does it help unlock it if I forget my keys? Is it meant as a unique doorstop? YIKES! It isn't talking about my backdoor at all! It's my anus it's talking about!!! My anus!!!!!!!!!! It wants me to probe my butthole with an electronic "orgasmic vibrating egg"!!!!!!!!!!!!!! What am I, a fucking chicken? To hell with that thing. Onto page ten, quickly!
Just more of the same old crap. There's a couple sex things for Valentines (as if people would ever have sex on that day) and pictures of more naked women. Did I mention a glow in the dark candle? It's 'sposed to give off an exotic scent. I wonder if that would be the smell of dead fish?
Sadly, I've grown tired of browsing for the night. My eyes are heavy and my load has been shot. Um . . . wait a minute. Don't take that the wrong way. I mean, um . . . I don't have much cash. It's just a small wad. Wait! Not wad, damnit! It's only $20.00. Nothing abnormal went on here tonight. I'm going to go pick up where I left off in my Disney mag.. Gotta read a lot of it now, before Disney catches on to the fact that they're actually giving somebody something. Wait a minute . . . did I just say "giving"? That would mean I'm receiving! Hey! I got my free gift! I had it the entire time, I just didn't know it.
I guess there always is a happy ending, after all.
Speaking of ends, have you heard the one about the "backdoor"? . . .
Back to the table of brains
Back to The Juicy Cerebellum.
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All text, expect that quoted from "Adam & Eve", is copyright ©1999 Alex Sandell [All Rights Reserved]. If you copy this without my permission, I'm gonna turn that thing in the picture above on full-blast and ram it so far up your ass it'll turn your snot into a shake!