Sexually Enticing Beer Slogans that Didn't Quite Work
Written by:  Alex Sandell

For as long as advertising has been legal (that's been forever, right?), beer companies have tried to convince men that they can meet, seduce, and have sex with the most beautiful women alive, if they just get them a bit "tipsy."  I have, throughout my life as a male, noticed that women are FAR more eager to "pump the monkey" if their brain has been lubed with that special "sauce" known as alcohol.  I am obviously not the only man to have noticed this.  Still, when I investigated the matter, and found the slogans they PLANNED on using, before settling for chicks in bikinis and a "drink responsibly" ad, I was offended at what was going to go out there, to the alcohol-consuming public, as a legitimate beer commercial.  Sure, females get drunk super-duper quick and have troubles restraining their sexual impulses, but should booze breweries exploit this feminine inadequacy? Friends, neighbors (even though I hate my neighbors), and Juicy readers everywhere, these are the slogans beer companies initially accepted, but finally rejected, in the name of "good taste."  (IE - They only wanted to look like they were SORT OF sexist.)  Enjoy!:  

Budweiser

"Forget the talking frogs and chameleons, let's just get it on!"

Bud Light

"It doesn't matter if it's Light, and you're chubby, if you give her enough, she'll still try her best to blow you!"

Special Export

"When you're too ashamed to make a pass at her sober, make a fool of her when she's drunk!"

Keystone

"The key is offering to buy for minors in exchange for lurid sex."

Guinness

"It may cost a lot, but it's strong.  Just one or two, and she's yours."

Samuel Adams

"She may say the man on the bottle is a 'fag in a wig,' but just give her a few, and she'll have that 'homo' shoved so far up her tight little vagina that your puny penis may finally have a space so small it suddenly feels large."

Pig's Eye

"It may be swill, but three beers from now, she won't know it from champagne; or your ugly ass from Tom Cruise."

Pig's Eye Lean

"It may be 'lean,' but she won't be for long, if you feed her enough of this watery piss."

Killian's Red

"Because a slobbering alcoholic is better than a chick that won't put out."

St. Pauli Girl

"Getting fat, ugly Germans laid since the 1800's."

Miller Genuine Draft

"Give her a few and finally get permission to put 'it' in her butt!"

Busch

"Jump in her tangled web of pubic ecstasy for the price of a cheap six-pack."

Miller High Life

"After a couple, she'll forget that you're poor!"

2000 Alex Sandell [All Rights Reserved].  If you copy this, without my permission, I'll get you drunk, and fuck you, even if you ARE a guy.  Wait, uh, I'm not a homosexual.  How will this work, exactly?  If you copy this, without my permission, I'll get you drunk and fuck you, if you're a girl, and shove a razor-edged dildo up your ass, if you're a guy.  Yeah, that's better.

Email me some feedback or I'll flip!

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