The relative success of the Alcoholics Anonymous (A.A.) program seems to be due to the fact that an alcoholic who no longer drinks has an exceptional faculty for "brainwashing" an uncontrolled drinker with a bunch of annoying stuff like "prayer" and "hypocrisy." In simplest form, the A.A. program operates when a recovered alcoholic passes along the story of his or her own problem drinking, describes the sobriety he or she has found in A.A., and then shows the fellow alcoholic how they too can be really annoying, and make stupid comments like "the Lord is all that I need" when offered a drink at a social gathering.
The heart of the suggested program of personal recovery is considered to be contained in Twelve Steps describing the experience of the earliest members of this society. Although, these members must have been really into God, and stuff.
A top reporter working for The Juicy Cerebellum has found that these 12 steps are only a front, meant to throw off the publicity hounds. You didn't really buy this "we came to believe that a Power greater than ourselves could restore us to sanity" shit, did you? As if apologizing to people he's harmed would really stop some guy from drinking. The A.A. actually gets an alcoholic on the wagon through much more persuasive means. Yes, A.A.'s success is achieved through 12 steps, but not the ones that most people have heard.
Here, revealed to the public for the first time ever, is
The Other 12 Steps
Discovered by: Alex Sandell
1. We admitted we were powerless
over alcohol - and discovered that heroin is a hell of a lot better high.
2. Came to believe that if we offered free blowjobs, to the first 300 members, we'd have a lot of people wanting to claim sobriety, real quick.
3. Made a decision that A.A. would become one of the greatest dating services ever.
4. Made a searching and fearless physical inventory of ourselves, and came to the conclusion that alcohol really does make for a shriveled penis.
5. Admitted to God, to ourselves and to another human being that we're all really jealous about other people that can drink, and this makes us sorta resentful.
6. Were entirely ready to convince ourselves Kool-Aid would be available in kegs.
7. Humbly asked when we're gonna get our free blowjob.
8. Made a list of all persons who still "dipped in the sauce" and were determined to make them feel completely guilty about taking even a sip of alcohol, although we were the ones that used to go out and get them totally shitfaced.
9. Made direct insults to such people wherever possible, except when somebody was looking.
10. Continued to pick up chicks at A.A. meetings, to make ourselves feel life was worth living.
11. Sought through prayer and meditation a way to get drunk without actually drinking.
12. Having had a sexual "awakening" as the result of not drinking, we proudly "got it up" and had lots of affairs.
It must be noted that newcomers are not asked to follow the twelve other steps in their entirety, because, face it, they're drunks.
A.A. members will usually emphasize to newcomers that only problem drinkers are lucky enough to join up, and get laid a whole bunch.
You just took it too far. My uncle's an alcoholic, and he's only had seven affairs. Send me back to the table of brains.
©1997 Alex Sandell. If you copy it, I'm sicking a thousand alcholics on you.