Letters to the Webmaster
(5/9/98)

Dear Webmaster-
In leaping around your site, I have to admit I really related to The Day The Earth Stood Still.  The "Just the Facts" update.....truly!! And since I am one of the dedicated GeoCities site people, I almost busted a gut reading the Why GeoCities Sucks update. Goodness, I just admitted I took time to read your page, what does that make me?  Your roomie in ward C?
-Linda Baiker

I'm in ward B, room 4. I'm also naked and peeing in my pants, as I write this. Oops, just told the pedophile next door that I'm only three. Gotta run.

Dear Webmaster-
At a glance, your page may seem offensive, but I quickly learned that it is not. You did not put anything in your website that was lame like in the homepage from where I found you. Here are my comments about your site and you:

I LOVED the GeoCities page. I think Geocities has gone off their rockers with advertisements and their neighborhood NARC teams. Your Geocities page was a classic.

I liked your Carla Faye Tucker page. I had been keeping up with her case right up to her execution. Your Ex Files were understandable, but you have to kiss a lot of frogs before you find a prince! (At least I do!)

Your Muppets page was great, as well as the rejected slogans update. Thanks for making such a good page! I will be back!
-The Angel on the Internet

Did I mention I was naked? (It's a running gag. Get it? Running? Hey - mom always told me that as long as I think it's funny, nothing else matters. I'm not sure if she had "pedophile" jokes in mind, when she taught me that lesson, though.)

Dear Webmaster-
You are such an incredibly talented writer. The main reason why I dont want to see "The Juicy Cerebellum" go is that I would miss reading things like "The First of September". Sure, that's a selfish reason to want you to continue with it, but it's true. I haven't found any other page that can make me cry from sorrow or laughter, and certainly not both, like yours does. I know that there are tons of talented writers out there, but I just really enjoy your writing. Thanks for making "The Juicy Cerebellum", no matter how long it lasts.
-Jada

Letters like that can really make a person feel good. I'll probably be jumping rope and singing love songs for the next month. Or, until I finish reading the next two letters. Whichever comes first.

Dear Webmaster-
visited your HP....it sucks big time sweetie!!!!!! it is obvious that you are a little immature kid looking for your jollies......told a major amount of people not to visit if they ever get your url.......a friend thought I may want to see your HP....once a sucker but not twice.......IT SUCKS BIG TIME SWEETIE!!!!!!!
-Desire

Can the human race stop inbreeding, already?

NOTE: The following letter was emailed to me, just as it appears below. I did not alter anything (not even that horrible spelling). Have fun!

Dear Webmaster-
Tell you what, if you are a grown up sham on you. It is clear to me that you are not grown up and have just learned some big words in place of manners. You are so self obsorbed that I really do dought you have a clue that there are others in the world or that they have feelings. Most of all, that is with the clear misussage of the English launage on yuor page that I am certin that you dont know the meaning of ugly either. With that I say your feelings in the matter are irralavent and your up bringing is lacking in humanity. Poking fun at people for any reason is never funny.

Knowing BIG words is a far cry from knowing when and why you use them. GROW UP AND PISS OFF YOU BABY BOY ("THAT IS A GREAT NAME FOR YOU")! HA HA HA HA
-Liz

Why do these people even bother? Has inbreeding really gotten this common? Does every inbred type things like "ha ha ha," while making fools of themselves? Have any of them been through intermediate spelling?

Dear Webmaster-
Humanity is a big pile of shit.
-Jimmy

That was kinda my point.

Dear Webmaster-
I read your "humanity is" page, and I only have one complaint.  Penis enlargers are a good thing.  I have a three inch penis.  If it weren't for my penis enlarger, i would have an embarrassing two-incher.  That extra inch really made a difference in my self-esteem.  Granted, I still can't get laid, but...I feel good about myself and I can feel myself good.
-Wally

I would have no problem with penis-enlargers, except for a horrible experience I had with one, a few years ago. My penis actually got permanently stuck in the enlarger. I don't think I added any inches, but the girls definitely notice the bulge in my pants, now! It's just kind of embarrassing when they find out it's a gigantic tube that I bought from a dealer in the back of Wal-Mart, for $77.75. There were no prices falling on that one. Stupid yellow smiley face.

Dear Webmaster-
i just spent like over an hour looking at your webpage, and i laughed a lot, and i thought about more stuff than usual (hey, you're always thinking about something). Plus, i actually managed to have some fun. My grandfather also is getting butchered by the medical industry, he had to get a quadruple-bypass, and the woman that he lives with--they're not married--has Alzheimer's, and i imagine that she's also paying up big-time. One of your poems said you were 24. It was hard to imagine that you're only 24, because i think that you act like someone older.....maybe it's just because you've had lots of character-building experience in your life. I read every single poem in that whole poem category, and i liked all of them very much. i just wanted to give a heartfelt thanks for the work that you've done on the Cerebellum, and i also can't say how sorry i am about your entire condition.....just saying "sorry" isn't that much, but i try what i can.
-Anthony Gall

Could you try and get this pedophile off me? I showed him your letter, but he refuses to believe I'm older than "three." Sometimes I wonder why I get myself into these binds. I'm gonna have to switch rooms. He's trying to get me into his playhouse, by offering candy; so I better get running, again.

Dear Webmaster-
I was just wondering if the story about that girl that came from . . . wherever to spend New Year's with you, was actually true? Oh, if you're 19 or older my sister (who is 19 & pregnant) is looking for a guy to help take care of her baby with her, interested?
-Kim

You have no idea. Laaaaaaaaaaaactating breeeeeeeeeeaaaaasts. Mmmmmmmmm.

Dear Webmaster-
Good God this page is a lot of laughs, I am enjoying myself tremendously.
-Cathy

What if God isn't good? Would my page suck?

Dear Webmaster-
I didn't think that i would ever do this, and yet here i am. I want to just say that i really like your homepage. It is really funny! I don't expect you to mail me back, because this is just my way of saying "way to go!" Just take the compliment, and leave it at that.
-Jenn

Hey! Reading other people's mail makes me feel all dirty inside, and I kinda like it. Send me to the Letter Archive!