Alex Sandell for President Presents:
Gore Goes Juicy:
The Juicy Cerebellum Takes on Campaign 2000

The last few weeks have been a political junkie's wet-dream.  Beginning with the EXCELLENT Shadow Convention July 31st, moving immediately into the unintentionally comical Republican National Convention, which weaved its way into the hysterical, white-trash endorsed WCW wrestling match, disguising itself as the Reform Party National Convention and finally sliding over to Los Angeles and the melodramatic, hyper-erratic Democratic National Convention which began on August 14th, and ended yesterday (August 17th) with a rousing speech by the tree formally known as Al Gore, politic-watching has been at its best.  Outside of the class war article I put up on 7/31/00, I haven't said much about these political events, although I have watched, read, listened to, ate, shit and breathed the damn things day in and day out.  Being that it's all pretty much over until the debates start in October, and most of you probably dozed off during "normal" coverage of it due to the fact that the vast majority of political pundits don't use the "F" word when they're on camera, and usually talk about boring stuff such as "current events," I figured I'd put the Totally Juicy Spin on Al Gore's speech, and hopefully offend almost all of my readers in the process, and make even more of them think.  Have fun.

Instructions:  Everything Al said in his speech last night is between <<<brackets>>> and everything I say about his speech is not in brackets because I can't get enough people to send in campaign contributions to me and my lifelong obsession with brackets.  The stuff I say is also in italics, while Mr. Gore's stuff is not.  Mr. Gore's speech has been edited due to the fact that some of it was really boring.

<<<I want to acknowledge with great pride our four children: Kristin, Sarah, and Albert; Our oldest daughter Karenna and her husband Drew;>>>

That Karenna is so fucking hot.  Kristin isn't too shabby herself.  I sometimes think about making a "Gore" sandwich.  Sarah and Albert are sort of ugly, and Albert is a boy, which means I can't really judge him on looks, anyway, or I'll look like a big homo.

<<<And the youngest member of our family, who a little over a year ago was born on the Fourth of July -- our grandson Wyatt.>>>

Gore just loves to bring up the fact that his grandson was born on the Fourth of July.  So patriotic.  I'm guessing they probably forced Karenna to go into labor that day, just for the political points they would receive. 

<<<I'm honored tonight by the support of a leader of high ideals and fundamental decency, who will be an important part of our country's future -- Senator Bill Bradley.  There's someone else who will shape that future -- a leader of character and courage. A defender of the environment, and working families -- The next Vice President of the United States, Joe Lieberman. I picked him for one simple reason: he's the best person for the job.>>>

Lieberman was picked for these reasons and these reasons only:  he prays a lot, comes off as a dedicated family man, and helps distance Gore from Clinton's blowjob "scandal."  Lieberman is a disgrace to the Democratic Party's Platform.  He can call himself a "new Democrat" all he wants . . . he's a fucking Republican.  Lieberman's talk of being a "moral crusader" and wanting the Government to censor Hollywood films, TV shows and video games, if they aren't willing to censor themselves, has finally shown me how a person could confuse a Jew for a Nazi.    

<<<For almost eight years now, I've been the partner of a leader who moved us out of the valley of recession and into the longest period of prosperity in American history. I say to you tonight: millions of Americans will live better lives for a long time to come because of the job that's been done by President Bill Clinton.>>>

And millions more will explain to their wives that they honestly didn't think they were cheating because it wasn't made clear what "is" is.  

<<<Instead of the biggest deficits in history, we now have the biggest surpluses. The highest home ownership ever. The lowest inflation in a generation. Instead of losing jobs, we have 22 million new jobs. Above all, our success comes from you, the people who have worked hard for your families.>>>

Nothing like false modesty to get voters to check the little box by your name this November.

<<<But now we turn the page and write a new chapter. And that's what I want to speak about tonight. This election is not an award for past performance. I'm not asking you to vote for me on the basis of the economy we have. Tonight, I ask for your support on the basis of the better, fairer, more prosperous America we can build together.>>>

I actually liked this part of the speech.  It allows Gore to come out from under Clinton's shadow as a leader, ready to improve on an America that many consider to be close to ideal.  Of course the many that consider that are freaky morons, but there are many that do, nonetheless.  

Together, let's make sure that our prosperity enriches not just the few, but all working families. Let's invest in health care, education, a secure retirement, and middle class tax cuts. I'm happy that the stock market has boomed and so many businesses and new enterprises have done well. This country is richer and stronger. But my focus is on working families - people trying to make house payments and car payments, working overtime to save for college and do right by their kids. Whether you're in a suburb, or an inner-city. Whether you raise crops or drive hogs and cattle on a farm, drive a big rig on the Interstate, or drive e-commerce on the Internet. Whether you're starting out to raise your own family, or getting ready to retire after a lifetime of hard work. So often, powerful forces and powerful interests stand in your way, and the odds seemed stacked against you -- even as you do what's right for you and your family.>>>

This part isn't so bad, and nearly sounds like a REAL Democrat, rather than a "NEW" Democrat wrote it.  If I could change one thing, I'd knock all these "family" references out of it.  Aren't those of us without a family of our own worth Gore's time?  I don't have any kids; does my vote somehow count a little bit less?  Maybe they can hand out "with family" and "without family" ballots this year, and those that are "without family" will only count for half of those "with."  What a bunch of shit.  If Gore wants me to have a "family" so damn bad, he can introduce me to one of his daughters.  'Nuff said.

<<<How and what we do for all of you - the people who pay the taxes, bear the burdens, and live the American dream -- that is the standard by which we should be judged. And for all of our good times, I am not satisfied. To all the families in America who have to struggle to afford the right education and the skyrocketing cost of prescription drugs - I want you to know this: I've taken on the powerful forces. And as President, I'll stand up to them, and I'll stand up for you. To all the families who are struggling with things that money can't measure - like trying to find a little more time to spend with your children, or protecting your children from entertainment that you think glorifies violence and indecency - I want you to know: I believe we must challenge a culture with too much meanness, and not enough meaning. And as President, I will stand with you for a goal that we share: to give more power back to the parents, to choose what your own children are exposed to, so you can pass on your family's basic lessons of responsibility and decency. The power should be in your hands. The future should belong to everyone in this land.>>>

This part made me physically sick.  Since when does the Democratic party legislate morality?  It scares me to hear him say he wants to give "more power back" to parents.  Don't all parents already have this power?  I am pretty sure they do.  It's called an "on" and "off" switch.  I'm sick of having new restrictions put on things because of parents too lazy and/or incompetent to teach their children right from wrong without the Government's help.  I also don't like an ex-pothead like Al Gore, or an ex-cocaine freak like George Bush trying to tell us to do as they say, not as they do.  Hypocrites.

<<<We could squander this moment - but our country would be the poorer for it. Instead, let's lift our eyes, and see how wide the American horizon has become. We're entering a new time - We're electing a new President - And I stand here tonight as my own man, and I want you to know me for who I truly am.>>>

A Republican?

<<<I finished college at a time when all that seemed to be in doubt, and our nation's spirit was being depleted. We saw the assassination of our best leaders. Appeals to racial backlash. And the first warning signs of Watergate. I remember the conversations I had with Tipper back then - and the doubts we had about the Vietnam War.  But I enlisted in the Army because I knew if I didn't go, someone else in the small town of Carthage, Tennessee would have to go in my place. I was an Army reporter in Vietnam. When I was there, I didn't do the most, or run the gravest danger. But I was proud to wear my country's uniform.>>>

From what I've heard, he went to 'Nam to enhance his journalistic credentials, and for no other reason.  Oh, maybe there was ONE other reason for putting on that uniform - he might be able to pull it out when he decides to run for President of the United States.

<<<In the Senate and as Vice President, I fought for welfare reform. Over and over again, I talked to folks who told me how they were trapped in the old welfare system. I saw what it did to families. So I fought to end welfare as we then knew it - to help those in trouble, but to insist on work and responsibility. Others talked about welfare reform. We actually reformed welfare and set time limits. Instead of hand-outs, we gave people training to go from welfare to work. And we have cut the welfare rolls in half and moved millions into good jobs.>>>

Welfare Reform was a joke.  It wasn't needed, and it has hurt tons of people.  Al Gore is once again trying to sound like a damn Republican.  I can never understand why anyone would want to emulate something as idiotic as the Republican Party.  

<<<For almost 25 years now, I've been fighting for people. And for all that time, I've been listening to people - holding open meetings, in the places where they live and work. And you know what?>>>  

Your zipper's undone and your butt stinks?

<<<It's just wrong to have life and death medical decisions made by bean-counters at HMO's who don't have a license to practice medicine, and don't have a right to play God. It's time to take the medical decisions away from the HMO's and insurance companies - and give them back to the doctors, the nurses, and the health care professionals.>>>

That wouldn't be a bad start, but I have a better idea - let's let the patient have a say in how the doctors, nurses and health care professionals treat his/her body, and what they put in it.  I've always said; a patient is there to make the tough decisions, a doctor is there to write the prescriptions.

<<<I accept your nomination for President of the United States.>>>

Woah!  I didn't see that one coming!

<<<I'm here to talk seriously about the issues. I believe people deserve to know specifically what a candidate proposes to do. I intend to tell you tonight. You ought to be able to know, and then judge for yourself. If you entrust me with the Presidency, I will put our democracy back in your hands, and get all the special-interest money - all of it - out of our democracy, by enacting campaign finance reform. I feel so strongly about this, I promise you that campaign finance reform will be the very first bill that Joe Lieberman and I send to Congress.>>>

If he could actually pull this off, it would be amazing.  Campaign Finance Reform is one of thee, if not THEE most important issues in modern politics.  If we could get corporate money out of politics, we could give the politics back to the people.

<<<Let others try to restore the old guard. We come to this convention as the change we wish to see in America. And what are those changes? At a time when most Americans will live to know even their great-grandchildren,>>>  

I should really stop eating all of that junk food.

<<<we will save and strengthen Social Security and Medicare - not only for this generation, but for generations to come.>>>

Blah, blah, blah.  Heard this too often.  It's important, but it's also getting redundant.  Save it and shut up, already.

<<<At a time of almost unimaginable medical breakthroughs, we will fight for affordable health care for all - so patients and ordinary people are not left powerless and broke. We will move toward universal health coverage, step by step, starting with all children. Let's get all children covered by the year 2004.>>>  

I thought this was kind of a pussy promise.  It's better than nothing, and a lot better than Bush did, but it isn't enough.  Gore's scared of the Republicans coming down on him like they did on Bill and Hillary when they tried to pass Universal Health Coverage for everyone.  Now he wants to start with "children."  Why?  Because they bring in the biggest sympathy vote.  It's actually people in their twenties that are the largest group of uninsured individuals.  Let's help them.  Let's help EVERYONE.  And let's call a spade a spade; it isn't "Universal Health Care," it's "Socialized Medicine," and this country NEEDS it.  

<<<And let's move to the day when we end the stigma of mental illness, and treat it like every other illness, everywhere in this nation.>>>

This was an excellent comment, and a brave statement.  I was proud of Gore for this one.  This is also something this country needs to do if we want to move forward, instead of back.

<<<Within the next few years, scientists will identify the genes that cause every type of cancer. We need a national commitment equal to the promise of this unequalled moment. So we will double the federal investment in medical research. We will find new medicines and new cures - not just for cancer, but for everything from diabetes to HIV/AIDS.>>>

Wow - this speech is starting to get good.  This is yet another thing the country needs to do.  As an epileptic, I can tell you that it really SUCKS to have a disability that there is no cure for.  

<<<I will invest far more in our schools - in the long-run, a second-class education always costs more than a first-class education. And I will not go along with any plan that would drain taxpayer money away from our public schools and give it to private schools in the form of vouchers.>>>

Another great comment, although it's one I don't buy.  If Gore is so against vouchers (which he should be, if he has any common sense), why did he pick a vice presidential candidate that has SUPPORTED them?  

<<<Not so long ago, a balanced budget seemed impossible. Now our budget surpluses make it possible to give a full range of targeted tax cuts to working families. Not just to help you save for college, but to pay for health insurance or child care. To reform the estate tax, so people can pass on a small business or a family farm. And to end the marriage penalty - the right way, the fair way -- because we shouldn't force couples to pay more in income taxes just because they're married.>>>

I wish he would have went into greater detail with that "Estate Tax" thing.  Without knowing what sort of "reform" he has in mind, I have a hard time supporting it, or arguing against it.   

<<<But let me say it plainly: I will not go along with a huge tax cut for the wealthy at the expense of everyone else and wreck our good economy in the process.>>>

Nice slam on George Bush's "take from the poor and give to the rich" Republican rhetoric.  I've never understood why ANYONE other than the mega-rich would be a member of a party (the Republicans) that always wants to give tax breaks to the people who need them the least.

<<<Under the tax plan the other side has proposed, for every ten dollars that goes to the wealthiest one percent, middle class families would get one dime. And lower-income families would get one penny. In fact, if you add it up, the average family would get about enough money to buy one extra Diet Coke a day. About 62 cents in change. Let me tell you: that's not the kind of change I'm working for.>>>

This was my favorite part of the speech.  It was the only part that made me feel a small urge to cheer.  Maybe I just started craving a Diet Coke.  I'm not sure.  

<<<I'll fight for tax cuts that go to the right people - to the working families who have the toughest time paying taxes and saving for the future. I'll fight for a new, tax-free way to help you save and build a bigger nest egg for your retirement. I'm talking about something extra that you can save and invest for yourself. Something that will supplement Social Security, not be subtracted from it. But I will not go along with any proposal to strip one out of every six dollars from the Social Security trust fund and privatize the Social Security that you're counting on. That's Social Security minus. Our plan is Social Security plus.>>>

Once again, I agree, but I don't know who Gore is to talk like this when he picked Lieberman as his VP candidate.  Lieberman has been for privatizing Social Security.  WHY DID GORE GO AND PICK LIEBERMAN?  

<<<We will balance the budget every year, and dedicate the budget surplus first to saving Social Security. In the next four years, we will pay off all the national debt this nation accumulated in our first 200 years. This will put us on the path to completely eliminating the debt by 2012, keeping America prosperous far into the future.>>>

Not enough details, and too optimistic.  I don't see this happening, and think Gore is talking out of his ass.  Reminds me of George Bush Sr.'s infamous "read my lips" line.  If anything comes back to haunt him four years from now, when/if he's running for reelection, it will be this promise.

<<<Putting both Social Security and Medicare in an iron-clad lock box where the politicians can't touch them -- to me, that kind of common sense is a family value. Getting cigarettes out of the hands of kids before they get hooked is a family value. I will crack down on the marketing of tobacco to our children, no matter how hard the tobacco companies lobby, no matter how much they spend.>>>

This is another thing that should definitely happen.  It's odd to hear Gore talking about it, though, being that his family made a lot of their fortune from their tobacco crops, and he voted in favor of big tobacco right into the eighties.  Still, his sister died of lung cancer, and he may have actually seen the light.

<<<A new prescription drug benefit under Medicare for all our seniors - that's a family value. And let me tell you: I will fight for it, and the other side will not. They give in to the big drug companies. Their plan tells seniors to beg the HMO's and insurance companies for prescription drug coverage. And that's the difference in this election. They're for the powerful, and we're for the people.>>>

Based on the Democratic PLATFORM, they are for the PEOPLE.  The Republicans ARE for the powerful, I don't even think the Republicans would argue that.  Still, I don't think Gore is really a crusader for the little guy like he's pretending to be.  I know Lieberman has put in plenty of votes HELPING the HMO's.  Stupid, Stupid Lieberman!

<<<Big tobacco, big oil, the big polluters, the pharmaceutical companies, the HMO's. Sometimes you have to be willing to stand up and say no - so families can have a better life. I know one thing about the job of the President. It is the only job in the Constitution that is charged with the responsibility of fighting for all the people. Not just the people of one state, or one district; not just the wealthy or the powerful -- all the people. Especially those who need a voice; those who need a champion; those who need to be lifted up, so they are never left behind. So I say to you tonight: if you entrust me with the Presidency, I will fight for you.>>>

Will I get to watch it on Pay-Per-View?

<<<There's one other word we've heard a lot of in this campaign, and that word is honor. To me, honor is not just a word, but an obligation. And you have my word: we will honor hard work by raising the minimum wage so that work always pays more than welfare.>>>  

I think Gore will actually fight to do this.  The Democrats are always fighting to raise the minimum wage and the Republicans are always pissing and moaning about how we need to A.) Keep it the same B.) lower it or C.) get rid of it.  If any of you are working for minimum wage, or might be, in the future, DON'T VOTE REPUBLICAN!  If any of you hope to see people get off of welfare and work for a living, DON'T VOTE REPUBLICAN!  If any of you CARE about the people busting their asses to get by, DON'T VOTE REPUBLICAN!  

<<<We will honor the ideal of equality by standing up for civil rights and defending affirmative action.>>>

Damn that Lieberman disagreeing with Gore on so many key Democratic issues.  Lieberman has been a prick when it comes to affirmative action, and I sure hope Gore doesn't die, because "President Lieberman" is a terrifying thing to imagine, and it is why there is NO WAY I am voting for Al Gore in this election.

<<<And let there be no doubt: I will protect and defend a woman's right to choose. The last thing this country needs is a Supreme Court that overturns Roe v. Wade.>>>

I still haven't made up my mind on this issue.  Why is it a "woman's" right to choose, rather than a "couple's?"  A woman couldn't get knocked up without a man helping her.  I think the man and the woman need to decide, and that a woman has no right to abort the couple's baby if a man is willing to raise the child, and opposes abortion.  At the same time, if they make abortion illegal, women will end up dying getting illegal ones in back alleys, or will simply head up to Canada to get the slaughtering done.

<<<We will honor the memory of Matthew Shepard, Joseph Ileto, and James Byrd, whose families all joined us this week -- by passing a law against hate crimes.>>>

Finally an important issue that both Lieberman and Gore AGREE on!  I thought it was cool that Gore brought this up, and wonder if the Republicans all bowed their heads and prayed for those "evil" homosexuals.  Stupid, stupid Republicans!

<<<We will honor the hard work of raising a family - by doing all we can to help parents protect their children. Parents deserve the simple security of knowing that their children are safe whether they're walking down the street, surfing the World Wide Web, or sitting behind a desk in school.  To make families safer, we passed the toughest crime bill in history, and we're putting 100,000 new community police on our streets. Crime has fallen in every major category for seven years in a row. But there's still too much danger and there's still too much fear. So tonight I want to set another new, specific goal: to cut the crime rate year after year -- every single year throughout this decade. That's why I'll fight to add another 50,000 new police - community police who help prevent crime by establishing real relationships between law enforcement and neighborhood residents - which, incidentally, is the opposite of racial profiling, which must be brought to an end. I will fight for a crime victims' bill of rights, including a Constitutional amendment to make sure that victims, and not just criminals, are guaranteed rights in our justice system. I'll fight to toughen penalties on those who misuse the Internet to prey on our children and violate our privacy. And I'll fight to make every school in this nation drug-free and gun-free.>>>

This section of the speech went all over the place.  I agree with about half of it.  We don't need to add a bunch of extra police.  Saying there is still "too much danger" is a scare tactic and it's been done already by the right.  Stopping racial profiling needs to be done, and I'm glad he mentioned it.  His comment about making sure the victims, and not just the criminals, are "guaranteed rights" was a horrible comment that repulsed me.  Victims have far more rights than criminals and to try and convince the public otherwise for your political gain is twisted.  Fighting to make every school drug-free could be good or bad.  How will he do this?  Through the idiotic war on drugs?  That isn't working.  If he is going to try and get addicts TREATMENT, rather than throwing them in PRISON, he may be onto something.  I'm guessing he just wants to throw a few more innocent people behind bars, much like the Republicans do.  Legalize drugs, get people treatment, and be done with it.  This "war" has went on far too long. 

<<<I believe in the right of sportsmen and hunters and law-abiding citizens to own firearms. But I want mandatory background checks to keep guns away from criminals, and mandatory child safety locks to protect our children.>>>

I agree.  Any NRA asshole that is going to say mandatory child safety locks on a gun is violating his "rights" should get a clue, and, while he's at it, start writing letters to all those "evil" companies that put those "horrible" safety locks on aspirin bottles, so a kid doesn't chew 100 pills and wind up dead.  

<<<I'm excited about America's prospects and full of hope for America's future. Our country has come a long way, and I've come a long way since that long ago time when I went to Vietnam. I've never forgotten what I saw there -- and the bravery of so many young Americans. The price of freedom is sometimes high, but I never believed that America should turn inward. As a Senator, I broke with many in our party and voted to support the Gulf War when Saddam Hussein invaded Kuwait -- because I believed America's vital interests were at stake. Early in my public service, I took up the issue of nuclear arms control and nuclear weapons -- because nothing is more fundamental than protecting our national security.>>>

I've read in numerous places that Gore has a hard-on for missiles and war.  He sounds like a conservative republican here.  So he broke with his party and voted to support a pointless war that achieved nothing?  That's something to brag about?  I don't think so.

<<<In the last century, this nation more than any other freed the world from fascism and communism. But a newly free world still has dangers and challenges, both old and new. We must always have the will to defend our enduring interests -- from Europe, to the Middle East, to Japan and Korea. We must strengthen our partnerships with Africa, Latin America, and the rest of the developing world.  We must welcome and promote truly free trade. But I say to you: it must be fair trade. We must set standards to end child labor, to prevent the exploitation of workers and the poisoning of the environment. Free trade can and must be -- and if I'm President, will be -- a way to lift everyone up, not bring anyone down to the lowest common denominator.>>>

Notice how he completely avoids mentioning China.  Way to ditch controversy, Gore.  World Trade, as it stands now, is a big mistake.  It is nothing more than a way for corporations to exploit workers overseas in sweatshops.  It allows greedy pricks concerned with nothing more than making a profit to lessen regulations and make more money off of worse products.  Until we get this right, and do it for the WORLD, not for America's wealthiest dollar-mongers, we need to lay off "Free trade."  I know Gore is full of shit when he says he is for "fair" trade.  He has came out in favor of the WTO (World Trade Organization) in its current form, which does nothing to enforce "fair" trade.  

<<<I know my own imperfections. I know that sometimes people say I'm too serious, that I talk too much substance and policy. Maybe I've done that tonight. But the Presidency is more than a popularity contest. It's a day-by-day fight for people. Sometimes, you have to choose to do what's difficult or unpopular. Sometimes, you have to be willing to spend your popularity in order to pick the hard right over the easy wrong.>>>

If he followed this advice, he could make a good president.  Unfortunately, he has proven, time and time again, that he usually picks the "easy wrong" over the "hard right" when the pressure is on.  Take his choice for Vice Presidential candidate as one example:  the guy's a total conservative that disagrees with Gore on numerous issues, but he made Gore look good to the moderates and conservatives that were offended over Clinton sticking cigars in Monica's snatch.  Al Gore chose Joe Lieberman to help him win a "popularity contest" and I cannot look past his choice, and cast my vote for this unprincipled man.

What are your thoughts on Gore's speech?  My reaction?  Politics in general?  I wanna hear them!  I may even post some of them online, which really means absolutely nothing, but it might make you look cool to your pet spider, or something!  Send in your feedback!

All content not in <<<brackets>>> are copyright 2000 Alex Sandell [All Rights Reserved].  Copy this and I'll have Gore send one of those 50,000 new cops after you. 

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