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Free stuff people send me to spray my Juice on
Written by:  Alex Sandell

Free Thing # 2

"You can poison my cat, baby, I don't care - but if you talk in the movies, I'll kill you right there."
Alice Cooper:

Brutal Planet

Around 6 months ago, I started this weekly thing where I was gonna review free crap people wanted to have reviewed.  I only ended up reviewing 3 things, and then the stuff stopped coming in (outside of some weird butterfly stickers an anonymous reader keeps sending me).  Now, about 5 months later, I get a package with a review copy of Alice Cooper's new CD!  Being a big fan of Alice Cooper for like 15 years, this was pretty groovy.  It actually had me feeling like a 14-year-old fanboy, again.  Yippee!  Yet, my heart sunk, cuz I was fairly sure I would have to slam the old guy in front of all of you.  I've grown out of most metal music and into punk rock, folk and rap (I know, it's a weird combination) and Alice Cooper hasn't even had an OKAY CD in at least 13 years, much less a GOOD one (well, that "The Last Temptation" thing that came out in 1994 wouldn't have been so bad, if the songs weren't like 6 minutes each, and if that idiot from Soundgarden wasn't singing all over it).  So, you can see why I thought that another pile of poop was flying my way.  Yet, the makeup wearing senior citizen with a woman's name still has some surprises up his sleeve.  Here's my song-by-song review of Alice Cooper's new record, "Brutal Planet".  

Brutal Planet:
"Here's where we starve the hungry.  Here's where we cheat the poor.  Here's where we beat the children.  Here is where we pay the whores."  This song sets the mood of Alice's first new CD in six years.  There's a lot of talk of how hypocritical we are.  A lot of talk of religion and sin.  A lot of talk over what a bunch of bastards human beings can be.  Alice has switched places from creator of controversy to observer of it, with his new material.  Instead of singing about fucking the dead, or murdering babies, Alice sings about people taking advantage of one another, or gunning down schools.  "Over here is where we filled the ovens.  Right here, the Holocaust."

9 (on a scale of 1-10, 10 being the best.  And, if you didn't know that 10 is the best, you should probably go shoot yourself.)

Wicked Young Man:
"I just lay in my bed, dreaming of the day when everyone is dead."  This is about the Columbine shooters, Junior Nazis, and other hate-ridden pocket pussies.  When I heard the Coop was gonna write about this, I kinda freaked, cuz I thought he might go conservative and condemn the media, or whatever.  My fears were put to rest with the chorus; "It's not the games that I play.  The movies I see.  The music I dig.  I'm just a wicked young man."  There you go.  Heavy and fairly intense.  Another great addition to the already amazing Alice Cooper collection.


"Same gray suit.  Same brown shoes.  Same headache.  Same pills.  He goes home and thinks about suicide.  But he's got his diploma - ya gotta give him that."  Classic lyrics.  Probably the best song on the CD.  All about the idiocy, monotony, and loneliness of the 9-to-5 life.  Alice's trademark sarcasm turns his tongue back into the newly sharpened razor blade that it used to be way back in the seventies.  Music-wise, it actually has a bit of the "classic" Alice sound.  Catchy and fun, if you like dark humor.  Alice is back in form for the first time in nearly 20 years.  It's a welcome return!


Blow Me a Kiss:
"Blow me a kiss cuz I'm black.  Blow me a kiss cuz I'm gay.  Blow me a kiss cuz I'm shaking.  Say goodnight - then blow me away."  Alice takes a stand with these anti-hatred lyrics.  The chorus will stick in your head like a fucking bullet.  Keep your ears "open".


Eat Some More:
"Lots of melting cheddar cheese, spreading its unique disease.  Rotting veggies on the ground, where little hungry kids are found.  Worms in food, an ugly sight, they're begging for a single bite.  Our garbage dumps are mountains high, while other people sadly die."  This song has an excellent message about how we will literally throw away food before we'd hand it to a starving person.  The music is really slow and boring.  What is this?  Doom Metal?


Pick up the Bones:
"Collecting pieces of my family in an old pillow case.  This one has a skull, but it don't have a face.  These look look like the arms of my father, so strong.  The ring on this finger means my grandmother's gone."  The chorus has an "I Love the Dead" feel to it, and the lyrics prove Alice can still be gruesome, even if he is doing it with a conscience.  There's no joy in this song.  "The breath of the death is the only sound."  The most downbeat song Alice has ever performed. 


"I can't hear a word you say - so shut up!  I like bein' sick this way - so shut up!  Shut up!  Shut up!"  Alice proves he still has a little insanity left in him, after all these years of watching weak imitations like Marilyn Manson take his rightful place as shock-rock king.  The beginning guitar reminds me a lot of "Dead Babies," but, musically, it kind of goes downhill from there.  Still, I like the depraved sound in Alice's voice, and can see this one growing on me.  


I dunno, it says "gimme" a lot.  The chorus is catchy and pretty cool, but it all gets too repetitive, and the lyrics are sort of aimless.  I'm guessing Alice is playing the devil talking to Alice, but it's pretty stupid.  It almost seems like a leftover from "The Last Temptation".  Oh well.


It's the Little Things:
"You can burn my house.  You can cut my hair.  You can make me wrestle naked with a grizzly bear.  You can poison my cat, baby, I don't care - but if you talk in the movies, I'll kill you right there."  This is another one of my favorites.  Razor spitting sarcasm is back, along with some cool references to some of Alice's greatest material.  "Welcome to my nightmare.  No more Mr. Nice Guy."


Take it Like a Woman:
"You've been beatin' down, kicked around, on the ground - but you took it like a woman.  Victimized, terrorized, paralyzed - but you took it like a woman.  Pushed too far, deeply scarred - I know you must of felt the pain, but you took it like a woman."  Upon seeing the song title, I knew this would be a ballad, and knew it would be nothing more than a revamped version of "Only Women Bleed".  I was right.  Alice Cooper:  defender of beaten housewives, everywhere!  Now, if only he'd stop kicking around all of those girls on the stage, when he performs.

7 (hey, it's a nice switch from the really crunchy, heavy songs that this album primarily consists of) 

Cold Machines:
"We walk right past each other, every single day.  Like cold machines, we march on and on and on."  This song's about how desensitized we're becoming in this age of computers and sterilized office cubicles.  Should have packed a bit more of a punch, both in the music and lyric departments.  This topic isn't exactly difficult to write about.  Comes off as a fifteen year old's poem about isolation, rather than an acute observation on the human condition.  Sorta like this webpage.  And Alice marches off again, leaving another great CD in his path.  Will he be back?  If the devil is in the details . . .


OVERALL RATING - Alice Cooper's "Brutal Planet" gets 7.73 Juicy squirts out of a possible 10.9 ejaculations.   It's not nearly as good as the stuff he did with his band, back in the seventies, but it beats everything he's released from '85 on.  I wish there would have been just ONE traditional "horror" type song on it, but Alice is definitely taking a different direction, and it is one far more interesting than that sex crap he was doing in the late eighties, and early nineties.  I'd recommend this CD to just about anyone, unless they can't tolerate heavy metal. 

MAKE UP YOUR OWN MIND - Order the CD today!

HEY!!!  Do you have something to promote?  I'll review ANYTHING.  Fanzines, magazines, CDs, DVDs, videos, toys, comic books, novels, nude photographs; whatever you send me, I'll review it!  I can't promise a GOOD review, since some of things you send me will indefinitely suck shit, but I CAN promise a review, and an address where a person can find the thing I'm reviewing.  Even if I hate the damn thing, you're still getting free promotion (if it's good enough for Alice, damnit, it's good enough for you!)!  It doesn't even have to be a product that you're involved with!  If you've got something you'd like on The Juicy Cerebellum, send it to:

Alex Sandell
3613 Columbus Avenue
Minneapolis, MN 55407

Email me, bitch!

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Text, with exception to Alice Cooper lyrics, is 2000 Alex Sandell [All Rights Reserved].  Copy this, without my permission, I'll tattoo Cooper's makeup to your fucking face!