Out to prove that middle age really can make you boring, Steven Spielberg shoves this three hour "epic" down our throats. It's about a lot of white people and black people fighting because the white people from stupid places like the south want the black people to be slaves. Then there's white people fighting white people because some white people don't want the black people to be slaves and don't care that much about barbecue sauce and AC/DC music (they were still a band back then, right?). You can't forget the black people fighting the black people because some of the black people want to sell the other black people as slaves to the white people that are in support of slavery. Oh, and there's fifty-million scenes in a courtroom featuring a bunch of actors who are basically nodding at us and saying, "can I have that Academy Award now?" There, I think I made this review just as convoluted, pretentious and long-winded as the movie. Now go back and read it over and over again for three hours straight. By that point you should have some idea of what viewing this overuse of celluloid was like.

I'd give it 3 Juicy squirts out of a possible 10

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Copyright 2001 Alex Sandell [All Rights Reserved]