A Public Service Announcement From The Juicy Cerebellum

Ladies and gentlemen, what you are about to read may shock and/or upset you. It may destroy the last childhood illusion that you have left. But, it is true, nonetheless. Instead of making you wait in suspense, like your mom and dad did all those years with the Easter Bunny, I'll tell you immediately:

The Muppets Aren't Real!

That's right, they're simply puppets. All those times you saw them interviewed on 60 Minutes, or hanging with some celebrity, it was a lie! Kermit, Mrs. Piggy, Gonzo, Animal, Beaker, Sam, Crazy Harry, Big Bird, Fozzie Bear, Oscar the Grouch, Jim Henson. They were, are, and always will be nothing more than puppets! Just some dork's hand inside a piece of fabric. Somebody's fingers contorting into convincing enough positions to make the general public believe The Muppets are real.

This Pez Dispenser
isn't any less real
than the actual "Fozzie."

"So," you're probably asking, "if it's just some dork's hand, how can you explain Big Bird?" Although this is a very valid argument against the dork and his hand thing, it still doesn't make the Muppets any more real. All Big Bird, and the rest of his awkwardly large companions are is people in a costume!

What can we do about this tradgedy? Sadly, not much. It's no different than when you found out your childhood heroes were alcoholic actors. When your parents revealed that Santa Claus was a fat alcoholic in a suit. When you saw a "making of" special and realized your favorite cartoon characters were merely ink on a paper, drawn by a fat alcoholic in a suit, when he wasn't playing Santa Claus.

It's sad but true, and now all we can do is deal with it. Just try and spread the truth, and stop this madness, before it's too late. Don't let anyone else be decieved in such a way.

Did you ever think to yourself "if I could just meet Kermit, he'd understand?" Or "I could provide the affection that Mrs. Piggy needs?" I'm sure you get physically sick, much as I do, when you feel all your fantasies of meeting a real, live Muppet, come tumbling down all around you. Put your foot down! Don't let this happen to another generation!

Thank you for your time. I'm sorry I had to be the bearer of such miserable news. If you need any help dealing with this, I've heard there's Muppet Support Groups popping up all over the country. I hope you can find one. Good night.
--Alex Sandell

Back to the table of brains

All writing 1997 Alex Sandell (although, at this point, he just doesn't know why anymore).


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