"Class War will start small, with a few pranks, a few wallets yanked, and your occasional protest.  Then it will grow.  It will become something tangible, and suddenly the rich will realize that the poor outnumber them 100 to 1."
- Alex Sandell 8/17/2001

Creating a Class War Without Ever Leaving Your Home:
Altering America through an armchair revolution
Written by:  Alex Sandell

Are you at the point where you feel nothing but anger when it comes to corporations?  If you are, you've come to the right place.  I was like you, once.  I thought there was nothing in the world I could ever do to irritate a corporation in the way that it irritated me.  Then I discovered that all it takes is an email, and the fun began!  Over the past few months, I've turned my frustration with corporations into something productive . . . slap-happy emails for the corporate elite!  Thanks to moronic electronic letters that I have written, I have received two free racks of ribs, a bucket of barbecued chicken, and 3 free value meals!  Why support a corporation when they will support you?  Here are a select few of the emails that I have sent out, lately.  Read, learn and enjoy!

Dear Microsoft,
I am writing to report to you that your Hotmail email system is not working properly.  I go through the entire registration process, but am then told that the username I have chosen for my Hotmail address has been "reserved."  Being that I have selected fairly unique user names, I have trouble believing that every name I have tried has already been reserved by somebody else.  A few of the names I have selected so far have been, IH8BillGates@hotmail.com; MicrosoftIsTheDevil@hotmail.com; StealMicrosoftSoftware@hotmail.com; HotmailisCrap@hotmail.com and MicrosoftIsaMonopoly@hotmail.com.  Can all of these names really be "reserved"?  I sincerely wanted to show the world how much I despised Microsoft with my free Microsoft Hotmail account, and am wondering if you can offer me any suggestions as to other names, which have yet to be reserved, along these lines, that I could use as my email address.  Don't think about suggesting, MicrosoftIsAnIllegalMonopolyThatIHopeGoesUnderFast@hotmail.com, because your service claims that address is too long.  Would something like FuckMicrosoft@hotmail.com work, or don't you allow vulgarities to be included in a Hotmail user address?  Please get back to me soon, because I really want to use your free service to tell the world what a joke your corporation is, and to distribute free copies of your software to anyone who can't afford to buy a copy of their own.  

Thanks in advance for your help.

Sincerely,
Alex Sandell 

Dear Wal-Mart,
The new security cameras that you have added to your area store have caused me an undue amount of stress when I try to shoplift from the building.  I am unable to support Wal-Mart, due to my conscience telling me that patronizing a store that puts all small mom-and-pop businesses out of business, receives most of its products from China, and refuses to pay employees more than minimum wage, while showing them videos which portray unions as "evil," would be the wrong thing to do.  Being that you are the only 24 hour discount store in my town, I am sometimes forced to enter your building.  There was this one time when I ran out of toilet paper, and absolutely had to shit.  I am scared of foreign toilets that haven't been cleaned in over 5 years, so I was unable to use your bathroom facilities.  Therefore, I had to steal a four pack of Charmin.  This was hard enough already, even before you added the new cameras!  Last night, when I went into your store to steal a can of shaving cream, when I realized that mine was empty, I saw the additional cameras, began perspiring, and left, without the product.  The cuts across my face this morning are horrendous, from shaving without cream.  I am writing to ask you to remove ALL security cameras from the store, so I may, once again, shoplift from you in peace.  If you refuse to do so, I WILL be consulting my lawyer, and sue you for damages sustained from shaving injuries and stomach cramps.  

Thanks in advance for your help.

Sincerely,
Alex Sandell

Dear Microsoft,
When my friend tried installing my copy of Microsoft Word onto his computer, it asked for a bunch of numbers (the "key"), which I no longer have.  When numerous friends prior to this installed the software, we simply went to a Warez site, and found the code, for free.  Unfortunately, the Code Red worm wiped out my bookmarks, and I cannot find the site that has this exact key listed.  Could you please send me a copy of this as soon as possible?  My friend has a college paper due by the end of the month, and he needs a free copy of your ridiculously-priced program quickly.  

Thanks in advance for your help.

Sincerely,
Alex Sandell

Dear McDonald's,
I bought an order of fries from your restaurant yesterday, and discovered that the "natural flavoring" listed in the ingredients is nearly 50% beef.  This had me extremely upset, being that, when I pay FULL PRICE for your french fries, I expect 100% natural beef flavoring.  Please send me 2 coupons for free french fries.  Why 2?  Because, it takes that much to get the full 100% pure beef that should be found in only one order of your magnificent fries.

Thanks in advance for your help.

Sincerely,
Alex Sandell

Dear Microsoft,
I am having trouble spamming from your Hotmail service.  When I tried to send out 2,500,000 SPAM letters for a herbal form of Viagra from my Hotmail account, I was booted.  When I tried getting back into my account, it said that it had been closed.  Being that Microsoft's free email service is primarily used for spamming purposes, I am sure this was a technical error.  Please reinstate my account immediately, and let me go about my spamming.  If my account isn't back online by Monday, I will take my business elsewhere.  

Thanks in advance for your help.

Sincerely,
Alex Sandell

Dear Lloyd's Ribs,
I am writing to you in a rage.  I bought a rack of your overpriced barbecued pork ribs, and ended up chipping my front tooth on a bone!  No where on your packaging did it say that there were bones included with your barbecued ribs.  If a product without bones says "boneless" shouldn't one with bones say, "bone"?  I think most of America would agree that it should!  Please start labeling any products you sell with bones in them with a visible "bone."  All of my life, I have been disgusted by bones.  To think that a big hard one was in my mouth simply disgusts me.  Please be more considerate with your packaging to avoid a catastrophe like this from happening again.  I realize some people like sucking the juices off of a bone, after they've nibbled a bit on the meat, but others of us do not enjoy any such activity.

Thanks in advance for your help.

Sincerely,
Alex Sandell

Dear Microsoft,
I am writing to inform you that you owe me $275.00 due to the SPAM you have sent me at my Microsoft Hotmail address.  I was reading over your Terms of Use (TOU), and saw that you charge $5.00 per SPAM sent out from anyone using your account.  Well, I would like to say that, fair is fair, and I charge $5.00 per SPAM that anyone chooses to send in to my account.  You have repeatedly spammed me with your corporate slop, and I have repeatedly added you to the list of people that I want BLOCKED from my account, but you keep sending me SPAM, regardless.  I have counted each SPAM that you have sent me, since I first blocked Microsoft from emailing me at my Microsoft account, and have seen that there have been 55 SPAMS.  At five dollars per SPAM (the price YOU came up with), you owe me $275.00.  I expect to be paid within the next week. 

Thanks in advance for your help.

Sincerely,
Alex Sandell

PS - Tell Bill Gates, and all his buddies at CAUCE and MAPS to stop being such fucking hypocrites.

PPS - There will be a "hypocrisy fee" of $1.00 per SPAM, per day, after the first 7 days, added to the initial $5.00 per SPAM that you owe me.

Okay, I have a bunch more, but I have learned to leave the audience wanting more, rather than boring the hell out of them, with like 300 letters.  Do I think this is the start of a revolution?  No.  Do I think McDonald's just raises their prices due to people like me writing in?  Yes.  Do I give a shit?  No.  Why?  Because, if ALL of us boycotted these places (I don't support ANY of them), while asking for free junk from them, they would go under.  Do I think that would be the start of a revolution?  Yes.  Do I think it will happen?  Depends on how smart people are.  Do you have the guts to stand on the frontlines?  Since the "Battle in Seattle" I have sensed a change in society, and I think it's still happening.  I think the Class War is coming, and I can't wait until it arrives.  It's either us, or them, folks, and if you make less than $100,000.00 a year, you're one of US, so start fighting THEM (and not with muscles but with mind).  Oh, and make sure you don't bite down too hard when eating a rib, I hear that they have bones. 

Email Alex

Back to The Juicy Cerebellum

2001 Alex Sandell [All Rights Reserved].  If you copy this, without my permission, I will jab your eyes out with rib bones, and fill the sockets up with "chicken" MeatNuggets.