Letters to the Webmaster Archive
(Where old letters go to die.)

Dear Webmaster-
you need a life brother please reethink your senseless bulshit
-Jammernwo316

Okay, I'll try to "reethink" my senseless "bulshit." The problem is, what senseless "bulshit" are you talking about? Just like every other dork with the opportunity to type hatemail, you don't mention what it is that's so senseless. My ability to spell?

Dear Webmaster-
I got into your page today and I must say I thoroughly enjoyed it.  In fact I spent a good part of 3 hours in it.  I especially enjoyed the April Fools joke.  LOL! Oh and the chatting rules are the best!! And Alex, some of my best friends are midgets!!! I absolutely loved your page.  :)
-Angel Eyes

If you went to Hell, would your eyes still be angels?

Dear Webmaster-
In regards to "save the cerebellum," I'm sorry to hear about your money crunch. Have you considered making The Juicy Cerebellum a "members only" site?  Keep some stuff available to everyone but restrict a lot of stuff to people that actually pay.  That was one of the ways BBS's worked.  Also all the internet porn sites work that way.  And everyone knows that the only thing that has really made money off the internet is the porno industry.
-Peter

I considered the "members" thing for about two-seconds. I decided the save the cerebellum idea was better, even if I don't make as much (or any) money off of it. It goes along with my beliefs, and doesn't force anyone to pay for my writing. I know some people online are just as broke as I am, and why should they be locked away from seeing the good updates, simply because they can't afford them? Once again, it would be a case of the rich getting everything, while the poor sit on the outside, and beg. I'd rather just ask people to send in whatever they think all the updates on this site are worth (which I know a lot of you out there haven't done), and trust that they'll send it. I just don't want The Juicy Cerebellum to become another elitist monkey-fart for the upper-class to rub the poor people's noses in. If anything, I'd rather have it the opposite. Let the rich get their face slammed in shit, for a change.

Dear Webmaster-
I just wanted to say that your website is one of the BEST ones I have ever seen. I can't remember when I have laughed as much, except for at Chris Rock's Bring the Pain HBO Special. 

Anyway, I won't take up any more of your time, cause you really need to write some more funny stuff! I'm your newest fan!
-Angela

And I'm not starring in "Lethal Weapon 4!"

Dear Webmaster-
The Juicy Cerebellum is definitely interesting...and very funny. Your stories about the *rules of chat* were more than true..and now I have to change some old habits I guess. Your story of New Year's Eve with Miss Finland ...well...hopefully you will choose someone of drinking age next time.
-Claire

It might help get rid of the cough.

Dear Webmaster-
You're a fucking genius! Honestly. I come to your page everyday, and compare you to the greats. A lot of the time, you beat them. You're God.
-Wa Ta Chee

Hey, if you meet up with Hong Kong Phooey, could you tell him, that, as God, I've got one up on him, now?

Dear Webmaster-
Really like the "this isn't my United States" update ... made a lot of sense.  Made me think a lot too.  Why the hell did you have to go and do that?
-Adam

I dunno. I wanted to accomplish something the K-12 educational system never could?

Dear Webmaster-
Just read your soliloquy on "My United States".  It was very good. Stark, brutal and depressing- but obviously spoken from experience. Definitely plucked my heartstrings....
-Mara

I hope it didn't leave any stretch marks.

Dear Webmaster-
I thought
your update on the 70th annual academy awards was very funny- 'specially your comments about getting fat being in this year (rude as they were :) ).  I went to high school with Elisabeth Shue- her brother, too.  Both were ahead of me... I think Liz was a senior when I was a freshman.  Anyway, she always had a propensity towards porkitude :)

I'm glad you listed all the awards cause I didn't get to see the show and I was wondering if Helen Hunt was really going to pull off Best Actress.  I'm glad she did - but did she really get it for Twister or was it for As Good as it Gets?

-Mara

That "Twister" thing was a joke. So was the movie.

Dear Webmaster-
Hey dog entity! Rise up and bare your biscuit filthy fangs at the oppressive leash wielding demon! Goddamn my navel itches! Ahem!! Ergghhhh!! Agcheckkkkhh!!  Ahem!!! Meow! Meow! Meow!! Cat chow! Cease your flatulent winds and hear my mindnumbing expulsions of wicked noise! Grrr!! CHEESE! I sense your envy of my neck!

-Omelette

That letter made more sense to me than anything has in months.

Dear Webmaster-
Sure love your style!
-Moon Bihag

You should see the way my testicles bounce, when I'm on a trampoline!

Dear Webmaster-
I think this page is funny.  But I'm watching Nightstand and it's winning.
-Jocelyn

That's okay. While reading your letter, I called the "Weather Hotline," just for something to do.

Dear Webmaster-
I want to thank you for the juicy cerebellum.   I have a very warped sense of humour so it appealed greatly.
-Diane 

Were you watching "Nightstand," at the same time?

Dear Webmaster-
ALRIGHT  NOW  YOU HAVE  STEPPED  IN IT,,,,,,,TELL YOU WHAT YOU GO TO HBO AND ASK FOR A INTERVIEW WITH DENNIS MILLER .....AND  THE 2 OF YOU CAN HAVE A STAND OFF ON STAND UP AND NUTTY ONE LINERS.......KUDOS FOR  YOU ! OOOPS  THAT SOUNDED  A BIT  YUPPY GENERATIONAL! OH WELL WHAT  THE  HELL !!!
-MO529

And, in the meantime, you could go to a keyboarding class, and learn all about a thing called "lower case."

Dear Webmaster-
Oh my god, this page is some of the funniest stuff i have ever seen.  I loved the hallmark card thing.
-Daisy

It was gay! 

Dear Webmaster-
I visited The juicy cerebellum..and laughed my a$$ off!!! I love the site and plan to visit fairly often!!
-Merkmare

Did you know you had dollar signs in your ass?

Dear Webmaster-
Whoa there, I just came back from your web page and you are truly one disturbed individual. But...I like it.
-Linda

That's rather disturbing. (Hey, you can't expect me to think of an original comeback to all of these, can you?)

Dear Webmaster-
You have a GREAT site!!!! I only found out about it today, but I will go here every day.

-Patrick Jura

What a coincidence, so will I! (Doesn't it just make you feel gooey?)

Dear Webmaster-
I gotta agree with you on most of those reasons why America is stupid except for 2 - noserings (which hopefully someday i'll  have), and batman and robin (which was one of the best tv shows ever made). have a nice day.
-the ice queen

I meant the MOVIE "Batman and Robin," directed by that gay guy, and starring that "ER" freak. Noserings are fine, close-up, but from a distance, they really do look like you've got a huge clump of snot on your nose.

Dear Webmaster-
i want to tell you that you are very funny i haven't seen a site as funny as this one i don't know you but keep this site open to us update it as soon as you can.
-Leverne

Sorry, I don't do requests.

Dear Webmaster-
I read your webpage from time to time and there are some topics that id like to question u about.  First off, why do u hate the death penalty so much?
-Rose M Bet

Ever seen "The Fugitive?"  It's a simple, mass-marketed, entertainment machine.  Yet, it's VERY, VERY good at showing how AMAZINGLY well a person can be set up.  I'm not saying that's a very common occurrence, but it does occur.  And no matter how smart someone is, they can't be smart enough to know what is going on in someone else's head.  They just CAN'T.  This should indicate to anyone with a thinking brain, that they cannot  put that person they don't understand, to death, even if he/she WAS guilty.  They can't even say they're better or worse than that person.    We all deserve "the chair" in a way.  How many have we killed?  How many have had their life cut short by pollution, greed, and exorbitance? Everyday you pollute this earth.  You contribute to the premature death of millions, as we all do.  Should we have someone kill us, and then someone else kill the killer, until there's no one left?

If I die, from lack of proper medical care, do we kill everyone that voted down socialized medicine?  The doctor that wouldn't treat me, and the clinic that wouldn't let him?    There is NO intelligent argument siding with the death penalty, because there's nothing intelligent about murder.  Execution is absolutely, totally wrong.  There's too many contradictions.  Not to mention, murdering someone for murdering someone, as many times as it's been said, is a really stupid, naive, humanistic, short-sighted, arrogant, wicked concept.  

If the person committing the crime was mentally insane, he or she was not in control of his or her actions.  Possibly didn't even know what they did/were doing.  May have thought they were a werewolf (that's happened a lot, in murder cases), or possibly even a midget.  Sometimes, all it might take to make these "psychos" better, is medication, which they have never received. 

On the other hand, the executioner isn't mentally-insane, he's just an asshole.  So is the vengeful society that gave him a job.  No pill will help their idiocy.  Their quest for revenge, under the guise of "justice."   

What about the "why should our tax dollars pay for some nut to live in jail" argument?  It's foolish.  The person who is to be executed has to be PROVEN guilty, beyond a reasonable doubt.  Every statistic, every number revealed, shows that the cost of PROVING someone guilty, and killing that someone is a LOT more than the amount it costs the public to put that person in jail for a lifetime.  Even those for capital punishment admit to this fact.    So, this is why I am against capital punishment.

Sorry you asked?

Dear Webmaster-
Once again I have visited your site and have laughed and felt sorrow as I read the glorious pile of ramblings from your brain. Thank you for the smiles and musing of sorrows .... never give
up.

-Brenda

Benny said "poop," he said, "POOPY-POOP." And that's the newest, news scoop!

Dear Webmaster-
That's cool you're doing
that banner thing. I've gotten like 10 times the hits (which still isn't many), since you linked to my page. It's cool you don't have some ego thing where fucking you're too good to help "the little people".
-Doesn't want me to print his name, which is odd, SINCE HIS SITE'S ON HERE!

I wasn't even aware I was one of "the big people." But, thanks. That's coming from someone that knows people aren't "big" or "little;" some are just small.

Dear Webmaster-
I was amazed by all the things that you get to write and the way you can think sometimes. I loved your page. I certainly had fun reading it. I am very different from you and I have to admit that my way of thinking is different also, but I do think that you may be a really interesting person.
-Rosabel

You never know.

Dear Webmaster-
Hi there, I'm a Real Texan. I really love Austin and so do most of the people I know, Texans, or not.  But your website sucks.  I think you are giving Texans and especially Austin a bad name by going public with that crap.... pleas stop...
-Stephani Land

I wonder if the difference between a "Real" Texan and a "fake," is whether or not they carry a brain within their head? Obviously, as a "Real" Texan, you have a few miscalculated impulses, where a thought-process should be. If you're going to tell me to "stop" something, please tell me what it is that you want stopped. I've never badmouthed Austin, in my life. Yet, with your email, I end this update, as it began . . . with an ignorant dork that seems to hate The Juicy Cerebellum, but apparently has no clue as to why.

4/14/98 Update:

Dear Webmaster-
Your writing honestly arouses me. It's something I have with people that can make other people think and laugh, at the same time. I'm just wondering-if I saw you naked, would I be A.) Repulsed B.) Aroused C.) Afraid?
-Loo

D.) Bored.

Dear Webmaster-
I completely agree with you on the
Christians vs. Atheists thing. Whenever people ask what religion I am, I always say "Apathetic Agnostic - I don't know and I don't care." I figure either way, I'll find out when I'm dead and it isn't really anyone else's business what happens to me. I love your site.
-Elizabeth

What if God, if there is a God, and he speaks English (I've always thought he would speak with colorful whistles and squeaky toys), told you he was an "Apathetic Lord," and then farted? I really didn't go anywhere with that sentence, did I?

Dear Webmaster-
Congrats, I liked
the Christians Versus Atheists update a lot.  I am a Christian but everything you said was right.  Why would I be offended?
-Peter McClung

Because you're a Christian?

Dear Webmaster-
Dude,  I can't believe you did that jgakjd;hjka;dhkjeaiorujh thing.  That is so fuckin funny.  I had tears from laughing so hard.  Why I thought that was funny, I have no idea, but it ruled.
-The disappearing boy

tupqyoimgqe;q;jjkm?

Dear Webmaster-
Not sure don't really know  what your point is in your web page. Found so many different things in it. Can you explain a lil?
-Betz

Yes, a "lil" is a small midget. You usually find them in South Africa, hiding under mushrooms, and other vegetation.

Dear Webmaster-
I was feeling suicidal a couple of weeks ago, and I chanced upon your site. The "poetry to cry with" section really helped me so much. It was empathy plus plus, and I'll always remember the line that went something like "a spot as lonely as me", and, "that for once, my heart wouldn't be broken". All your poems touched me in some way
-Steven

For once, I'm speechless. Thanks.

Dear Webmaster-
Hackers Hear a Who was a great update.  One of your best.  Nice work. I feel that I should comment on it though.

Not all hackers are like that.  Most hackers are quiet, nice people who just like computers.  It's all the immature 12 year olds and lamers out there that give hackers a bad image.
-Talon

Kind of like how rectums make butts look like assholes.

Dear Webmaster-
I am sure you know this already, but your page is very good. Intelligent humour, I like that. I also like sarcasm, and I am NOT being sarcastic when I say that.
-Miranda

Would you like my page better if it became a site for goth people, and I wore black lipstick, and looked like a dork?

Dear Webmaster-
I have to say that you've lived a very entertaining life...I guess it just makes me glad to know that I've been awful fortunate compared to you.  I just loved your page!!  I don't know how I ever survived without seeing it.  It brought me hours and hours of entertainment.
-Monica

The fact you concluded that I've lived a "very entertaining life," is the proof I needed to finally raise my ego and decide, "hey, I am a good writer, after-all." Although, this response sucked so bad, it has me thinking, "gee, I sorta bite." So, we're back at the beginning. Ho-hum.

Dear Webmaster-
Hi, my name is Amalthea and I love your website.  It is sooo extremely funny.  I have given the URL to all of my friends and they have bookmarked it just as I have.  Keep up the great work.
-Amalthea

Have you ever seen a blue turtle? If you flip them on their back, they die. That's funny.

Dear Webmaster-
every time I need a laugh I check out your page...its at the top of my bookmarks...keep up the cheerful sight..love it.
-Pops

I get to be on top! I love being on top! Still, sometimes it can be more fun with the female on top, cuz her boobs kinda sway down, over your face, and you can squeeze them, as you copulate. I'm up in the air on this issue. It's about 50/50. Glad you put me on top, though. At least for the time being. Could we change positions, every so often?

Dear Webmaster-
All in all, this is the funniest damn site on the net, and has been bookmarked. I'll be sure to visit your site every time I need a GOOD laugh (which is pretty much all the time). Keep up the hilarious work, and continue with the ass-kicking!
-Jason Bacon

Any relation to Kevin? Or Piglet?

Dear Webmaster-
You can't be serious about the loser's homepage.  That would have sucked in 1994...
-Greg

I'll let Kenny answer this one: "Dear Greg: In 1994, they were still making rather arduous (in a graphical sense) versions of the 'King's Quest' series. I had more pimples than I currently do, and was merely a player, rather than Dungeon Master. Also, my dad was currently dating my best friend's father. No, this is nothing like 1994."

Dear Webmaster-
It would be a shame if you had to stop doing the Juicy updates, because you ARE a talented and gifted writer, but in the end, Alex, you have to do what is right for YOU, and not worry about anyone else, because you are the only one you can depend on. I hope everything works out for you.
-Dawn

I take it this means I'm not getting a donation?

Dear Webmaster-
I'd send ya a couple bucks but I blew all my money on records and I need a new pair of shoes and other various items of clothing.of course these won't be obtained until next month since I only have like ten bucks which will soon be spent on food or something.
-Jason

Excuses are like assholes . . .

Dear Webmaster-
I wish you would have put up that
save the cerebellum thing a few days sooner! I just bought a new tv, since my old one was going to hell and now I don't have any money. I'm sorry. If it makes you feel any better, I think your site is worth millions!
-Booh

That didn't really help.

Dear Webmaster-
i just had 2 say that im really sory your site is posibly going down. i wish i could help but i owe 2 much 2 good 'ol columbia house. your page actully (sp?) is better than any of the cds i got, i just ordered them be4 u asked.
-Robin

If you're going to send in an excuse, at least make it slightly believable. Or is that 2 much 2 ask?

Dear Webmaster-
Anyway, i'm really sorry about what's going on with you and your $$$ probs. (and you're saying "Why doesn't she send money?") well, truth is, I know it may not seem like alot to you but I owe about 130.00 for a phone bill soooooo all I can offer is mental support. Please, feel free to gripe at me all you want. I'm open.
-Kate

I wouldn't want myself to blame, for your being institutionalized; so, all I'll ask you is this: what would happen if it was cheap to skate?

Dear Webmaster-
Whoah! Major bummer, man. I can't really say I know what it feels like, because I am 14, live with my parents, and have no major medical conditions. Try putting up an ad (not
Fantasy Man's though) and telling people to click it to save the cerebellum. I think that would net you quite a bit of cash.
-Frog

You got it! That entire .03 cents per click could save me! I was thinking, if the 1 in 10 average, that actually take the time to click a banner, all clicked it, everyday, for the entire month, I'd get about 1,000 clicks. I could make THIRTY dollars! Where would I spend it all??? It's lucky those banner companies always find a way not to pay you, otherwise I may get rich, and stuck-up.

Dear Webmaster-
"The Juicy Cerebellum" is so cool.  I want to send ya some $$ to "save the cerebellum" but i'm broke
-Sue

I'm sure that's what you tell the lady selling tickets at the movies, the cashier at the restaurant, and the grocer, at the store, too. I'm amazed the collection agencies let you hold onto your Internet account.

Dear Webmaster-
Is it true, you are ending your page in April? Then I might as well get rid of my internet, because your page was the only thing I come online for. I would send you money, but then again, I don't have any.
-The Edge

Aren't you in U2? You guys did kinda lose it, when the eighties went out. Fine, I'll trust ya. You're broke.

Dear Webmaster-
so you said youre page is maybe going down april 15 maybe? If you get enough money to pay your health insurance stuff, will you keep it up? I wish sooooooooo bad I could help but I am a broke college student who's broke.
-Jammy

And obviously hasn't attended college for long.

Dear Webmaster-
I love your page almost more than anything. If I wasn't married, I'd say it would be the greatest thing in my life. I couldn't bear to see it taken down. I would send you some cash, but I can't right now, because of taxes. Is there anything else I could do?
-Ron

You could send me your wife.

Dear Webmaster-
Hey Alex...I hear you're in a pinch for some cash.  Have you ever considered transforming Juicy Cerebellum into a webzine with advertizers?  I don't know why I'm suggetsing this to you/butting in...must be boredom.  With your writing skills, you'd be sure to make some serious cash.  You already have a loyal audience, so why not think bigger?

-Beth

That "if you build it, they will come" type thing, huh? Something about a bunch of corporations "coming" all over my page doesn't really ease my frantic mind. BUT, if they did come, I may be open to offers . . . as long as they don't ask me to swallow.

Dear Webmaster-
Hi, um...I know you're a busy guy so I'll make this short.  I think you're right about the entertainment that your website gives.  I live in a town that has just killed the last (and only) refuge for an aging punk rock guy to enjoy himself. I don't have any place to go in this town anymore to entertain myself (unless I feel like being surrounded by frat boys and sorority girls) and since the only decent punk club till DC is dead,
I'd hate to see your site go as well.  I don't have much cash due to the fact that jobs are nearly impossible to find in this shithole town but I will send you what I can.  In a lot of ways, I can relate to your problem.  I hope that enough other people can too and actually get off their asses and do something about it.  Keep me posted. Thanks for your time.
-Todd

Thanks for giving a shit. If nobody gave a shit, how would the plumbers keep working? I just think a lot of people got stuck giving a shit, and couldn't get off their asses long enough to do something about "it." Fuck 'em. This page is for people like you!

Dear Webmaster-
The "Throwing the Bone" update is really cool, the part where you say "it's just a bunch of rich companies trading money" is actually something I figured out at around 10 years old (funny how some people can't even realize it when it's explained to them) and I always used to tell my Republican friend this, before he graduated and joined the Marines.
-Nathan Disgusting

Odd you would mention the article "Throwing the Bone," and Marines, in one place, being that I was thinking about writing a sequel about the Marines tentatively titled, "Stroking the Bone."

Dear Webmaster-
dude, the juicy cerebellum is way cool, and i've been a fan for a while, but it seems you're using your influence to sway people over to communism.  Look, if you knew me better than just being the guy who won the "profound thought of the day" contest, you'd know that i'm not very patriotic.  BUT, i do believe in a couple of things.  One of these is evolution.  another is capitalism.  America is a pretty decent country, better than most, (granted we could make it better) and it boils down to
one phrase:

capitalism works.
-ross

Yeah, if you have lots of capital. In the meantime, "RUN FOR YOUR FUCKING LIVES - THE COMMIES ARE COMING, THE COMMIES ARE COMING!"

Dear Webmaster-
What an update!  What fabulous political commentary in Throwing the Bone!  And I don't even like to hear about politics usually.
-LIZ

I don't blame you. I mean, it is only your life, how it's run, and whether or not the world turns out to be an okay place to live in, if we're even left living at all. Yeah, fuck politics, man, they're boring. That response was kind of hostile, wasn't it? I take it back. Let's try another. Glad you liked the update, thanks! :)

Dear Webmaster-
Well, actually I am a republican.

-Maggie

Have you sought help?

Dear Webmaster-
Your page was inane.
-Nick Attractive

So is your stupid fucking name.

Dear Webmaster-
As your newest "groupie", my breasts heaved in anticipation, as I impatiently waited for today's profound thoughts.  My body shivered and my pulse raced as I read with intense interest
all the things you learned in kindergarten. Your wisdom, insight, tenderness and intelligence is far superior to anyone in this realm.  You are the Omni-Alex, to be adored and worshipped and glorified above all others! Come to me, my darling, and I will "cradle you when you think everything has gotten to be more than you can take", and it WILL be the most wonderful thing in the world.
-Dawn

I'm gonna get laid.

Dear Webmaster-
OMGoodness! OMGoodness! OMGoodness! YOU ARE LIKE SOOOOOOOOOOO FRIGGIN FUNNY!!!!!!!!!!!!!! I work with Kindergartners so I reeeeeeeeaaaaallllllllly dug
the Kindergarten thingy . . . *lol*  YOU ARE GREAT!!!!!!!!  WOULDN'T WANT TO BE THE NEXT TO BREAK YER HEART . . . . BUT SURE WOULD LIKE TA BE YER SWEETY!!!!!!!!!!!  MARRY ME HUN!!!!!!! PLEEEEEEEEEEZZZZZZZZZZ!!
-Moon

I think I'm gonna get laid, again.

Dear Webmaster-
I had more fun than Richard Gere with a bedroom full of small woodland creatures.
-Beth

Now your name has got me singing KISS songs. What's up with me and KISS? I can't STAND them. I should see a shrink.

Dear Webmaster-
its official...you are certifiable..and i loved it..just my kind of man..what can i say..my taste runs to the bizarre..plus it helps if you have long hair..but not a prerequisite..hahaha..hope to catch you soon.
-matty

Long hair, KISS . . . AAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHH!!!

Dear Webmaster-
Well I spent the better part of an hour going in and out of your web site.... I think that it is a very good site for sure... a little of everything for any one who has an open mind.
-Art

It's pretty "art"tistic too, wouldn't you think? (I can't believe I just said that. Why do humans feel compelled to make themselves look like idiots, by blabbering out some moronic joke? Doh!) (Yes, I did notice I missed the obvious "in and out" joke.)

Dear Webmaster-
THAT WAS THE FUNNIEST PAGE I HAVE SEEN IN A WHILE......THANKS............
-Danny King

I won't do it. No "king of what?" jokes. Nah-ah. I won't be the king of fools.

Dear Webmaster-
That was SOOOO NUCKIN' FUTS!!!!!!! I loved it!!! I gave the addy to like a million of my friends to go check it out!!! My fav one was
the one about Jesus!!!!! It was awesome!!! And the other fav was the chick from Finland coming out for New Years Eve!!! I was laughing so hard I nearly pissed myself!!! Oh gawd....I also bookmarked it...cuz I don't wanna lose it!!! It's too awesome!!!
-Amy D.

My goal is to make her piss herself.

Dear Webmaster-
I checked out your page, I was not impressed at all. The mouth can Go. Everyother word is F&@#. I pick people <Friends> bye their language, & yours is horrible. My page....although not much , has a bit more class.
-Tina

Yes, I can see your point. I too would like to be superficial enough to pick my friends based on their language. While you're at it, why don't you select them by skin-color, clothes and, hey, size of their dicks? What the hell? You sound like you could use a nice dick.

Dear Webmaster-
Your site is great! Really weird and that's what I like!
-Stefan

In that case, you may want to purchase this month's CD from the "good deed of the month club." Profits are going to a cause that helps keep morons like me alive.

Dear Webmaster-
I think your page is great i laughed my ass off. You either got to much time on your hands or you're just CRAZY.
-Barrie

What about both?

Dear Webmaster-
Cool site you have! hey... did you really get a visit from that Scandinavian girl... sounds cool...
-Starblazer

Cool . . . and full of phlegm, how could you go wrong?

Dear Webmaster-
I love you....I have loved you for ages (well, a few hours anyway....) You're about the smartest, most profound guy that I've ever heard of....I love you.... And I love everything that I know about you so far. I like the way you're an anally fixated, sex crazed, fart filled human (it's probably the Aussie in me that loves that...)....AND you have a fucking brain, that you know how to use. I LOVE YOU!!

-This girl that's in love with me

Wow, you Aussies sure know how to get a point across.

Dear Webmaster-
Your site kicks. I'm a huge admirer. KEEP THE BRAIN STICKY!!!!!

-Jeremy

Not to mention various other body-parts.

Dear Webmaster-
Wow, i just saw your page and now i see what i've been missing out on for a year!  good job!!
-Mike R.

Thanks. Don't forget to yell out the address in the local theater, right during the good part.

Dear Webmaster-
Don't listen to the other kids.  Look where they are as compared to you. The sentence most predominantly used to end their conversations is: "Would you like fries with that?" But you! You have a really neat webzine and...um....yeah yer probably a pretty cool person and you...what the hell do you do anyhow? Gee, I hope you don't work at a fast food joint.
-Beth # 2

Uh . . . what are you exactly saying here? You don't want onions on your burger, but you want me to add an extra pickle? Okay, okay, got it. Would you like fries with that?

Dear Webmaster-
Crazy God-Guy claims:
This is not the kind of site we'd care to recommend to others.

Alex Responds:
I'm sorry "we" wouldn't.

Crazy God-Guy Claims:
If there is anything of any real value, it's lost in all the garbage and profanity.

Alex Responds:
You can be rotten to the core, but the core may be beautiful.

Crazy God-Guy Threatens:
Hope you take this to heart.

Alex Responds:
Yep.  But I don't really give a shit.

Crazy God-Guy Remarks:
Some Scriptures come to mind, should you like to give them some of your additional consideration...

Alex Responds:
Not really.  I just like the "he who has not sinned, should cast the first stone" one, personally.

Crazy God-Guy Does What Crazy God-Guys Do Best, And Begins Quoting Scripture:
Prov 13:16 Every prudent man dealeth with knowledge: but a fool layeth open his folly. Prov 12:15  The way of a fool is right in his own eyes, but a wise man listens to advice.

Alex Does What Angry-Alex's Do Best, And Gets Pissed:
I hope you're hearing me, then. Jesus sure didn't like a hypocrite.  I'm also pretty sure he didn't like people PUTTING OTHER PEOPLE DOWN WITH THE SCRIPTURES!  If you use the Bible as a weapon, to sling insults, you're very fucking confused. If there is a Hell, I may be sent to it, but buddy, it's people like you that will beat me there.

Crazy God-Guy Ends The Letter With Some Good Christian-Guilt, And Starts Blaming The Proverbs, While Using Really Crappy Grammar:
Please don't take this in a negative light, but Proverbs has much to say concerning much of the material presented on much of your website.
-Crazy God-Guy

Alex Gets In The Last Word, Cuz, Damnit, He Runs This Page:
Nice you mentioned which material you were talking about.  How am I 'sposed to consider or "rethink" anything, when I don't even know what you're referring to, and how these quotes are related to it? Now, onto some letters from people that actually
use their minds, and aren't just slaves to them:

Dear Webmaster-
I am really impressed.  At one time, I considered myself relatively 'odd'.  Evidently you're a kindred spirit, but to a degree that even I look at from a distance and say 'woah.  That guy's nuttier than Skippy peanut butter.  Mmmmm...peanuts.'
-Sak

Can I pretend your name is mine?

Dear Webmaster
I enjoyed your site. Mostly, I just read
the Finnish girl story 'cause I thought there might be some sex. I was a sucker, but I considered masturbating when I got to the "good parts"-- the obvious whoppers.

The Carla Faye stuff was pretty decent, though. At least it's not gutless; it's sure to offend if you could expose the right audience to it. Besides, I guess I liked you because I think people suck. They're dumb (or is it stupid?), irrational (thankfully, perhaps) and generally no-count (but convinced firmly of their own importance).
-Ron

"I liked you because I think people suck." It makes sense, but I'm not quite sure as to why.

Dear Webmaster-
You made my day....and will in days to come, I'm sure!!!!  You are totally nuts, but I'm sure that's not something you haven't been told!
-Charlene

I remind myself, everyday. Then I take a bunch of pills, and go to sleep.

Dear Webmaster-
sounds like you have been
hooking up with the wrong women!!!! try women who have self-esteem enough to tell the truth!!!  maybe you need an older woman! Experience comes in more forms than SEX. sex is everywhere and easy to get.
-Jayne

Boy, I wish I lived in your city.

Dear Webmaster-
I checked your site out, it's the most brilliant Ive ever seen. I spent 3 days reading every lil scrap I could, I love it! I'm just waiting for the next part of
dead dogs dont roll over.
-Meggs

So am I.

Dear Webmaster-
Lately, your profound thoughts are getting more and more abstract and bazaar. I personally, am now quite frightened of you.  I would appreciate it if you could see fit to come back down the level of insanity that the rest of us are currently enjoying.
-Joshua W. Davis

That letter reminds me of this thing I was thinking about people enjoying stuff. If we enjoy something a lot, and that thing ends, and someone else goes and enjoys it a lot, and it ends for them, until another person goes and enjoys it, in which it begins again, would that thing be a slut?

Dear Webmaster-
I encourage you to write a BOOK. you may turn becoming a MILLIONAIRE so you could continue fucking up COMFORTABLY the lives and  thoughts of many imbeciles around the world. That would be a very, very nice kind of life. And I hope that if you are the ALEX who is writing there, you have all the best you deserve, man.
-Mystery Killer

Actually, I'm not the Alex that is writing there. He's happily-retired in Cambodia right now, and making me, Alex 2, do all the work. Dr. Seuss wrote a book about it, once.

Dear Webmaster-
I loved your sight..I bookmarked it so i can visit it again...:) Job well done..:) I have a Homepage as well..:) I didn't think I could do one and well once I did I just couldn't stop myself..:)
-Christine

I know, it's a lot like ending your virginity. Before you have sex, you wonder what the big deal is, and why people have to be having it everyday. After you have sex, you wonder what the big deal is, and how you can get it everyday.

Dear Webmaster-
i checked out the site, i really liked it (like you care). and i really enjoyed
the story of the girl from Finland who came to visit you. i can understand that also, but not Finland. (but i doubt you care about that, either.)
-Jack from Coolidge Records

Jack from Coolidge Records . . . trust me, I care.

Dear Webmaster-
I really loved your
poems, especially "The Best Fucking Poem Ever"  :)  I also sent a story for the EX-Files.
-Dawn

Thanks. But it accidentally got deleted by me. Could you send it again?

Dear Webmaster-
I visited your site, it is fucking whacked.
-The Drifter

It also whacks off on a regular-basis.

Dear Webmaster-
I'll be nice . . . stick it in your ear.
-Edward A. Sims

It's lucky you chose to be nice, because my ass is already full.

Dear Webmaster-
Very cool page.....it does help to be a little insane to enjoy it. I bookmarked it so I can come back whenever I need some insanity in my life.
-Carla

According to a new study done by the people that recommended you eat lots of bacon, that would be everyday.

Dear Webmaster-
Which parts do you enjoy most?
-Bob

Uh . . . are you okay?

Dear Webmaster-
I enjoyed it immensely.
-Dan

Your letter gave me shivers.

Dear Webmaster-
I'm still laughing
-Wa Ta Chee

It's been days!!!

Dear Webmaster-
I love it....L(aughing)M(y)A(ss)O(ff).
-Wolf Lady

In that case, wouldn't you be a hyena?

Dear Webmaster-
Cool website, so much to read, whew!
-Arlene

"Whew!" That's just what I said.

Dear Webmaster-
Damn that was fun.
-Art

I think you came up with a brand new slogan. "The Juicy Cerebellum . . . damn that was fun."

Dear Webmaster-
I somehow found your site only 3 days after it came up and have read it ever since. I have not missed a single day! This is my first time writing to you because I figured you had enough letters, but after the
old versus young article I had to. I keep wondering when you'll run out of ideas, but after the last few updates I wonder if you ever will. 27 ways to tell when you're really horny was the funniest update you've ever had ... and that's saying something. I figured it was the peak. Then only one day later you beat it with old versus young. I can't tell you how hard I laughed because you wouldn't believe me. I have to go now, I'm starting to gush. You can print this letter if you want to.
-Sammy (Samantha)

Okay. Thanks for the permission. It's cool to hear from someone that's been here since the beginning. I'm just trying to find out how you ever found this place, way back then. Have I had sex with you?

Dear Webmaster-
Old Versus Young was beautiful! As a 33-year-old lady caught between "young" and "middle-age," I couldn't have said it better myself. You deserve to make millions off of your writing. Throwing the Bone showed your work maturing past even a journalistic level. In its honesty it depressed, yet made you think. Somehow I get the feeling Juicy fans are going to soon bid farewell to the "toilet" humor, and welcome in a whole new level of intelligence at The Juicy Cerebellum.
-Belinda

Will you let me live in your boob?

Dear Webmaster-
hello alex, you webmaster you. i just wanted to confess my mad love for you so you know that it's ME running through the streets naked screaming your name and and making rings for you. you sweet hunk of a man who confides in this web and answers the letters....i like any stories that mention the words "naked".."nude".."porn" or "underpants." Please write more stories with those words!
~humptyhillhead of humself

Were you naked when you wrote that letter? I find that people in the nude write the strangest of emails. I don't know if that has to do with the fact that someone sitting naked on their computer is more than likely looking at porn, but it may have. Now, go put your underpants back on, before you get your chair crusty.

Dear Webmaster-
if you masturbate while looking up porno pictures, but don't have a mouse on your computer, won't the keyboard get sticky?
-Sticky Boy

Well, Sticky Boy, that's a complex question, and actually has three separate answers. Answer A is directed toward males, and goes something like this, "not unless you keep masturbating, after you orgasm." Answer B is more for the females out there rubbing themselves over images on a monitor, and it's, "not if you have more than one hand." The third answer's the one that gives me the creeps, this says, "not unless you type out emails to people, before washing your hands." Eww.

Dear Webmaster-
Is all that health care stuff true? Hmm..now I can't just go to The Juicy Cerebellum to get a laugh, I can go there to get depressed too.
-Jason

Hey, don't look at me, it's the Republican's fault.

Dear Webmaster-
Congratulations on your new domain!

-Mara

Thanks. Tell all your friends, relatives, and that crazy drunk guy that's peeing in the street.

Dear Webmaster-
Wow, it's great that you got your own domain name! Oh, yeah, I just need one more buck before I can send you the money for
the good deed of the month thing.
-Monkey Boy

Wow, it's great that you got your own domain name! Oh, yeah, I just need one more buck before I can send you the money for the good deed of the month thing.

Dear Webmaster-
What a whacked out site! I love it! How the hell did you start something like that up? You stuck me in my Monty Python funny bone and it's messing with my there-are-only-so-many-left brain cells! HEHEHE!
-Dani

Out of curiosity, have you ever heard of a comedy-group called "Monty Python?" A lot of people tell me that if you like this site, you might like them. Maybe you should check into it, sometime.

Dear Webmaster-
i just wanted to tell you i checked out your site..and although there is some funny stuff, my god you aren't satisfied with any movie that doesn't deal with naked women do you?  even some of those you don't like!  can i say..hard to please?
-Pierced Girl

That letter sucked.

Dear Webmaster-
"
10 really crappy glam-bands the world could have done without" is great. And thank you for including Van Halen!! Finally, someone else who doesn't like them!!! What an overrated band!..Your site is cool.
-Anthony

"Finally, someone else who doesn't like them!!!" What part of the world do you live in?!?

Dear Webmaster
Checked your page out, like it lots! (Except the McDonald's joke...hehe..I LOOOVE McDonalds.)
-Macgirl

You poor, deprived child - you've been brainwashed by Mayor McCheese.

Dear Webmaster-
Liked your page! where do you get the energy?
-Bennie

From my butt.

Dear Webmaster-
Your page totally RULES!!! My name is Amber, and I'm 18, if you care!
-Amber

Of course I do, otherwise it would be against the law. ;)

Dear Webmaster-
great site---I can tell you spend a lot of time and effort on it.
 
-Pan

As you obviously did with your letter.

Dear Webmaster-
Upon reading your web site, I can only say that you are a sociopath of the first order, a twit, and a danger to all that is moral in this country.
-The Weatherguesser

There's no way for me to tell you how much that meant to me.

Dear Webmaster-
I REALLY ENJOYED THE PAGE, THANKS FOR MAKING ME SMILE.
-Bobby

YOU'RE WELCOME.

Dear Webmaster-
I love your page!  I spent a lot of time looking at all the links and laughing my @ss off!
-Sexy Sherry

Are you really sexy, or just some gross chick who doesn't wipe, and decided to grow an ego over the 'net? Are you a man in disguise? Do you work for the CIA?

Dear Webmaster-
very interesting site. I like
the cyberotica trash article.
-Ozzy

I'd like to trash Cybererotica. It's sort of my ambition in life.

Dear Webmaster-
you have been a busy fellow . . . interesting, but then what is the point??
-BB

I'm guessing that's just what your mother was thinking, the day you were born.

Dear Webmaster-
Now, that is my type of site!!  You take a lot of pride in it, don't you?  You keep it updated at least once per week.  Good job, and I will make sure I send the INSANE to you!!!  (Including myself)
-Lonnie

Yes, send them all! I want the manics, the depressives, the schizos, psychotics, liberal-art students! Bring on your legion of nuts - they're all normal here, because nobody is sane! (Wow, I think my seizure-activity is really starting to show.)

Dear Webmaster-
Enjoyed the site and wanted to encourage you to continue even though I'm a Republican and hope you die.
-Greg Cason

Got a big kick out of your letter, and encourage you to keep writing in, even though I'm a Liberal, and hope your whole party drowns in a Titanic-like "disaster."

Dear Webmaster-
Regarding
Corporal Bert, what a hoity-toity anal-retentive psycho-pervert!  You should ask him where Corporal Ernie and the rest of the Sesame Street Platoon is...  Self-inflated is right, although it seems likely that he's also inflating something else on those hot (and bothered?) nights.
-Mark

Probably higher-ranked officers.

Dear Webmaster-
Hello, my name is Ernie, and I am writing you in response to my friend Bert.  He calls himself corporal Bert.  I must apologize for his actions, you see, we have been playing army lately, and now he thinks he is a soldier.  He is not a member of any armed forces, he is simply a Sesame Street character that has gotten out of control.  We have tried to medicate him, but he is only a hand puppet, and it has no effect on him.  We tried hypnosis, but he has Attention Deficit Disorder, like most puppets, and runs away.  At this time, we aren't sure what course of action to take with him.  We are growing increasingly worried about him, as
he repeatedly makes mention of "eyeball juice."   We feel this might be surfacing from a deep seeded complex he has, due to the fact that he has a hand stuffed up his butt all day long, but we're not really sure. In any case, please be kind to him, and continue to show support by watching us on your local PBS station.  Thank you.
-Ernie

Ernie, thanks for writing in. I have been an avid Sesame Street fan since the beginning, even though I wasn't born yet, then. I will keep in mind what you have said, and treat Bert in a firm, yet non-threatening manner.

Dear Webmaster-
I just wanted to say thanks for letting me put in my two cents about the whole G.I. Jane drama.
-Corporal Bert

No problem, it's been fun.

Dear Webmaster-
i enjoyed your
movie reviews better than i've enjoyed anything new you've put on your site since..... yesterday.  it makes me want to go out and rent L.A. Confidential!
-LIZ

That would be tricky, since it's still at the theater.

Dear Webmaster-
I just finished reading
day number 5 in the "journal,"  and I thought that fuckin update just ruled.  I have no idea why.
-Troy

I'm guessing it was the hot sex, and $17.99 fee.

Dear Webmaster-
Boy I sure did enjoy dat dere
death penalty thang!!! Whoo boy that was
good... Anyway.... hum dee dum

hey - great update!!!
-Frank Zappa

Can I assume you're not from Texas?

Dear Webmaster-
I really liked
chapter 60 of the novel-great cliffhanger! I liked your take on the Texas execution also. When I saw the interviews with the victim's family I was sickened. Who says justice can't be vengeful!! "As long as the families feel vindicated, that's the important thing."  I really do not understand people at all.
-Heather

At least not them crazy Texans.

Dear Webmaster-
An interesting and insightful piece on humanity in your
01-31-98 posting.  It would seem that humanity as a whole has a hypocritical stance.  "Be honest" it says, but secretly, they tell you dishonesty gets things done.  "Be nice," but hey, when nobody's looking screw a fellow human in the ass.  Have a conscious except when you need something. "Be truthful," but get blasted for not coming up with a good enough lie to cover up your screwup.  
-Kenneth Christ

Hey, that's what I said! Except, my last name isn't "Christ," it's "Gilligan." I feel so small . . .

Dear Webmaster-
Alex, you bloody rule! This is the best and funniest page I've ever seen and now I think I'm deeply in like with you. That "
Eesabelle" sounds like a fucking bitch. She did not deserve you anyway. Thanx heaps for the laughs, I needed some.
-MADDIE.

I'm slightly frightened over how much you're falling in like with me. This is bordering on obsession. I've heard of like at first sight, but this is a "site," and you've never even seen me. Still, I like you, too.

Dear Webmaster-
i just wanted to tell u i think ur really cool and i like ur website its real funny and i can feel ur
pain about ur ex ..i been through it all too i get stepped on and treated like a piece of shit for being nice but oh well what goes around comes around and they will get theirs.
-EYeLiT

Or else we'll just marry them, which would most likely be the same thing.

Dear Webmaster-
I was cruisin' your sight, when suddenly everything got fucked up. I don't know if it was huri.net or IE (I was surfing on AOL), but I couldn't get to any pages. Incidentally, it happened right after I read "
If Microsoft were actually honest". Coincidence? I think not.

It's all a conspiracy, man.
-Brian

That's kind of like when I had a seizure while looking up "poop" in the "Microsoft Encarta" encyclopedia. The truth is out there.

Dear Webmaster-
My bowels are relaxing, even as I type.
-Unknown

I seem to have that effect on people. It sucks to be me.

Dear Webmaster-
Umm . . . does this cost money?
-Tightass

Not unless you're KIND, TRUSTING and GENEROUS enough to buy the CD from the "Juicy Cerebellum good deed of the month club," wherein ALL profits will be donated to a charity. Still, I'm sure you won't, since NO ONE ELSE HAS, YET!!! (That "YET" part was a hint.)

Dear Webmaster-
The good deed of the month club: finally! a club worth joining!  I will eventually send you money and a witty letter in exchange for a CD and a lock of your pubic hair.
-Monkey Boy

Yippee! Someone's gonna join the club! So, I have to chop off a little pubic hair, big deal? It'll grow back. WEEEEEEEEEEEEEE!

Dear Webmaster-
Loved
the Geoshitties thing, I always hated them fuckers.  Slow as a frozen dog-turd, and worse than AOL for ADS everywhere.  So...when are you hosting the "Bloody Maxi-Pad Circle-Jerk Marathon?"  My team is ready and waiting to wrap them absorbent pads around our wangers and STROKE TO VICTORY!  Well, I now must go update the link on my site to the new URL of your site.  And then it's glorious MASTURBATION TIME! 
-Rev. Dr. Spazztech Luxx

You have just put multiple images in my mind that cannot be erased.

Dear Webmaster-
I LOVE THIS FUCKIN SITE ITS THE BEST SITE I EVER FOUND ON THE WEB DONT EVER STOP IT!
-Anonymous

If you don't want to EVER miss an update, make sure you send an email to alex@juicycerebellum.com requesting to be added to "The Juicy Cerebellum" mailing-list. It's something bigger than all of us. If the site goes down, I'll email the updates to ya, if I have to! SIGN UP, TODAY!

Dear Webmaster-
Damn, I'm sorry about you page.  That sucks really huge fat donkey penis.  Thank God I had your e-mail, or I would have just stopped coming (eek!). 
-Adam

You just sorta proved the point I made up above. What a coincidence I placed this letter below that comment. Remember, I have some back up sites, and if you wanna know where to get Juicy, at all times, I have to have a way to tell you. Send me your email at alex@juicycerebellum.com and just tell me you wanna be on the list (I'm making a point, here)!

Dear Webmaster-
I was hoping you'd make a mailing list or something.  I thought i was gonna
die without my daily visits to The Juicy Cerebellum.
-FilthPunk

Yes, and that mailing list has saved you from death, my friend! As it could save so many others, if they would only send a message to alex@juicycerebellum.com asking to be saved in their hour of need!

Dear Webmaster-
This is one of the best sites on the web, so please keep me updated on it. Thanx.
-Todd

No, thank you Todd. Thank you for taking that extra second to send an email to alex@juicycerebellum.com requesting to be put on the list. Pat yourself on the back, kid, you just did a good deed for mankind.

Dear Webmaster-
i want to be added to the list ok..i kept trying every day 4 the past few days and it wasn't working ..i was soooo upset i thought u were gone...thank god u r back
-EYeLiT

Yes, thank GOD! Thank God my site came back. But what if God failed, one day? What if The Juicy Cerebellum went down FOREVER? Would you melt away, like those people at the end of "Raiders of the Lost Ark?" NO! For I would have your email address that you sent me at alex@juicycerebellum.com and would keep you in touch with The Juicy Cerebellum's status!

Dear Webmaster-
Just read your
redneck thing-loved it.  Keep up the good work, opinionated anarchists of the
world... unite.

-Chris

Where did that "anarchy" thing come from, all of a sudden?

Dear Webmaster-
I just want to say that your site totally rocks and you are, indeed, the Lord on Earth. Keep up the good work!
-Chris

Are you the same Chris from up above, using a different email address? If you are, you must be really bored.

Dear Webmaster-
Please don't encourage people to blow up Texas. I like it here.
-Chris

Uh, Chris, you really gotta get out more.

Dear Webmaster-
i finally checked out your site and i got yelled at for laughing too hard. You just have to be soooo damn FUNNY all the time, don't you? You just want to see me get in trouble. Yes you do. I see that evil gleam in your eye, don't deny it! If you could make someone laugh til they keeled over and DIED you would! You'd love to see all of us poor lonely pathetic teenagers get reamed out for "making too much noise" wouldn't you? Yeah. You know you would.

-Wren

It's the dream that won't let me sleep.

Dear Webmaster-
Just finished reading about half of your web site. I'm about to lose my job for having too much fun at work. Thanks a lot. Anyway, just wanted to let you know that it's really great, keep it up. I found a lot of stuff in there that I identify with pretty well. I have seizures too, I take Paxil, I've had my heart ripped out a couple of times, blah blah blah. So I found it pretty amusing. One thing's for sure, though - people always get what's coming to them. And any girl who would treat someone as funny and honest as you deserves...well, you're far more creative than I, why don't you think of something? I'm surprised women all over the country aren't offering to fly you around and meet them after seeing your great site. Thanks, (and I mean it)
-Jeremy

Shit, I can't even get women to "fly" over to the post-office to send me $12.00 to buy the "Juicy Cerebellum Good Deed Of The Month Club" CD (and a lock of pubic-hair, I guess).

Dear Webmaster-
you are a smart man for not watching "flubber."
-Austin

I really should mention that that comment was related to my movie reviews page, and maybe even link to it, but that would be sort of low, so I won't.

Dear Webmaster-
I never know someone like you. Sick!
-Rick

I not never know you, neither. Sick!

Dear Webmaster-
Yeah, I love you. What you write is sick - sick - sick - sick - so sick
to make me want to suck you.

-John

Um . . . why are my readers starting to scare me?

Dear Webmaster-
I have been visiting your Juicy site all evening. I really like your straight forward way of presenting your thoughts on, well, everything! Most of this stuff people think all the time but never say, much less put on a website. Just wanted to tell you how much I liked your site.
-Michele

Thank you, my ego has been adequately raised.

Dear Webmaster-
on your EX-files stories, why didn't you tell the Marilyn Manson thing?
he's cute.

-I forgot

Oh.

Dear Webmaster-
I love "The Juicy Cerebellum"!
-The Velveeta Medulla

It told me to thank you.

Dear Webmaster-
I love you Alex!!

-Salli

I adore you, Salli!!

Dear Webmaster-
Thanks for giving me a laugh in the midst of El Nino's tyrannical rule.
-Jim McKeny

I wish a big storm that destroys millions of lives could be named The Juicy Cerebellum. Now that would bring in some publicity!

Dear Webmaster-
I had fun at your site, was it good for you, too?
-Quickie

It was almost as though I didn't even know you were there.

Dear Webmaster-
I was amused to see all the response to
the whole GI Jane issue. What surprised me was that the fans of the Cerebbellum, a publication(?) filled with sarcasm and sick humour, failed to see that Jane is also a bizarrly funny individual.  

Somehow, I failed to notice myself. "Slightly mundane," and "overly hostile" are two things that come to mind, when thinking of our dear old Jane.

How strange that Juicy Cerebellum groupies got so offended when Alex got into a bit of verbal (or written) sparring with their God amongst midgets.   While Jane's sick jokes involve guns and violence instead off boobs and poop (I said the cool word!!!), they're no more serious than Alex's.

In that case, the only problem would be the fact that THEY'RE NOT FUCKING FUNNY! I heard that rubbing your boobs, while taking a poop can relieve constipation, consequently leading up to far better jokes.

Funnier still are readers who, offended by the agressive nature of the interview, got all upitty and started pounding their proverbial chests like primates fighting over some orangutan poontang.   While I understand that those who aren't aqquainted with the Marine's sense of humor may take it too seriously, you have to understand our state of mind -- best summed up in a parody of a famous movie.   "I eat breakfast 300 yards from 5,000 illegal aliens trained to clean-up after me. So don't think you're going to come down here in your faggoty Mayor McCheese outfit and your Dorkweiner mouth and and intimidate me."  

Jack Nicholson did it better.

So if you're among the have-nots (referring to sense of humor) who didn't like the interview and took a few sharp jabs as a reflection of a psychotic tendency in all Marines, go ahead and think that. It's your right afforded by me and other trained killers like me who are willing to get eyeball juice under our finger nails to protect that freedom.
-Corporal Bert

Alright, the self-inflated drivel stops right here, bud. Don't forget to wash out that "eyeball juice," it can really sting the next morning.

Dear Webmaster-
Wow, it seems that you have managed to piss off one of "Uncle Sam's Finest".
RIGHT THE FUCK ON!!!!  People like her (I would say brainwashed, but that
requires a brain) really piss me the fuck off. I mean, what kind of world are
we living in when people feel the need to start getting pissy about the fact
that someone loves the word "poop"? It is a great word, proud and noble, that
stands out in a crowd and says "Hey! I'm poop, and I'm proud of it! If you
don't like that then FUCK OFF BECAUSE THAT IS WHAT I AM, AND THAT IS ALL THAT
I AM YOU STUPID FUCKING JARHEAD!"
-This guy with a pooping picture

That picture you sent me was really, really gross.

Dear Webmaster-
I think that the word poop should be put into the US National
Anthem.  When I'm at a baseball game, I WANT TO HEAR THE WORD POOP!
Thanks.
-Adam

If I remain silent, people might start thinking that I invented the word. That would be sooooooo neat if 200 years from now, you'd look in the Encyclopedia, under the word *poop*, and there would be a picture of me.

Dear Webmaster-
I like to smash up my Rolaids into a fine chalky powder, and then add it to my milk. It makes a super enhanced, juicy, calcium filled treat. And it's yummy too. 
-T-Roydius

It's almost as though I'll print anything, these days.

Dear Webmaster-
Will you print this on your letters page?
-Todd

Doh!

Dear Webmaster-
love you darling, you make me crazy.
haven't laughed this hard in... well, probably since I was pre-natal.
though maybe i should get out more.
-Didn't leave her name

Yikes . . . what if it's not a "her."

Dear Webmaster-
i just got told to come look at your site and i was feeling completely bored
and couldnt sleep so when i came here, i was immediately refreshed! well not
really 'refreshed' maybe just awakened. :)

Your writing is cool, it made me laugh and and i had something to read that
wasn't complete crap while i was listening to my Hum cd and dreaming about
Failure and dirty blue balloons. Anyhoo...keep on spinning out this funny
shit, it's great.
-Jennii

Somehow I feel like Tony the Tiger.

Dear Webmaster-
I really loved your web page. I just stayed up all night looking at all the weird shit. 
Sad really.  What kind of life must I have, spending six hours on one site?  And
not even a twisted porn site like proper sicko's would spend time at.

I had many inspirational and irrational thoughts while browsing the many
attractions of your mind, but I can't remember them all, now that I'm
actually writing you (Wow!  The REAL Alex...).
-Wolfe

Actually, I'm only a cheap imitation - the real Alex is dead.

Dear Webmaster -
Your site fucking rocks!  I mean I have had lots of prospective
customers here at huri.net but none of them were ever as fucked up and
insane as you.  You get the Huri's Websight Award for the best insane
site ever!  When I found your site I thought, wow, this guy is like
deranged, like me.  I thought I was the only one.  Glad to have met another
deranged individual.  And to see all of the screwed up people that read
your page and write letters to it. I love you all!
-Huri, Webmaster of
http://www.huri.net/

Okay, so if you check out the address, you might notice his opinion may be a little biased, but he is a cool webmaster, and beats the hell out of GeoCities, even though his letter was kinda an ad.

Dear Webmaster-
I find your page on my internet, and I think to enjoy it whole lots.  I need look at all of pages for laughter, and my become your fan.  I trouble understand some, but make smiles.  I have only question. thank you, and bye bye
-Habbib

"Now remember," mother says, "never make fun of foreign people, they're just like you, with worse accents."

Dear Webmaster-
You're a total fuckin' nut, and I mean hardcore, frickin' lunatic... I like
the other 12 steps, haha, and the GeoCities thing. Sorry I did not click on your banner, though. Very cool Site .... take care!
-Jenn

This brings up a point - the banner point. NO ONE is clicking on the banner. I'm getting like three clicks a day. Now everyone, please - after you're done reading this update, I beg you to go click that banner, and then click the "get me in there" option. It will take you a total of about 22 seconds, and will help this site reach its goal of getting a domain name. Thanks.

Dear Webmaster-
I've just learned of your amazing site and have laughed my ass off (Now I have
no ass) and identified with most of the articles on the Cerebellum.  Yet
nothing has stated what was within my own heart as much as
the Princess Di
article
.  Why the hell do we see celebs as flawless entities along the same level as
Christians do with Jesus Christ and Tammy Faye Baker?
-Brian

Because we're all pathetic?

Dear Webmaster-
You made it rain.
-Anonymous

Somehow, this letter scares more than any that have come before.

Dear Webmaster-
Huh?
-Billy Boy Blue

Your name gives me the image of a 300-pound gay-man, wearing shitkickers and overalls, while sucking on a pacifier. I think I like it.

Dear Webmaster-
This letter is going to sound weird.  I just wanted to tell you that I think you are the
sexiest man I *never* saw.  I think you're funny, charming, outrageous, original, bold,
and sweet, all at the same time.   Sometimes I wish I could just wrap my arms around
you and pretend I'm your mother.  Others I just want to sit on your face and let you eat my pussy, while softly massaging my nice, round tits.  I think I'm in love with you.  Or else I hate you.
-Lili

I just wish you could wash this cum off of my stomach and hand.      

Dear Webmaster-
I think that was really unfair what that Marine girl did to you.  What a bitch! 
I thought your answers to her boring questions were really funny.  If she can't get
that Bert dude to like her, maybe she should just give it up, and stop blaming
cool people like you.  Don't let her dishonest behavior make you not trust women. 
Not all of us are like that.  I think it's just the Marines that put a chip on her idiot shoulder.
-Jill

She's a wanna-be Demi Moore, looking for respect from daddy.   At least I squeezed an update outta her.  (Sorry, "squeezing" things has been on my mind, since the first letter.)

Dear Webmaster-
That interview with our nation's finest, err, um, uh, soldier, yeah - that's it, fuckin' ruled.  I don't know what to say here Alex, I laughed my ass off.
-Rev. Troy

It's always nice to have someone to laugh at.   

Dear Webmaster-
I can't believe you gave that chick all that space! although I guess the whole thing does illustrate how
*insert your own adjective here* people can be.

-Mark

Deceptive?

Dear Webmaster-
I dig the new Marine.  Take it easy.
-Austin

Wow, G.I. Jane is getting all the attention I'm guessing that she was hoping for.

Dear Webmaster-
That jarhead lady is a fucking moron.  What the hell does "semper fi"
mean anyway?  It should be "the few, the proud, the ignorant." If she ever gets to read

this then I say this to her:  "you suck ass, you stupid bitch.  Don't
fuck with 'the juicy cerebellum'!" thank you.  Fight war, not wars, or something..
-private parts

And see?  Now her (the jarhead lady) hostility has caused even more hostility, and that hostility will cause even more, and soon there will be another World War, which will remind America how we "need" Marines.  It's all part of their plan.  

Dear Webmaster-
I think chapter 59 was the best one yet!  I have been here since the beginning, and this was the best thing yet!  Thanks for writing it.
-Harry G.

How's Kenny doing?

Dear Webmaster-
Chapter 59 wath jutht peachy. it'th changed my life.   
-Number 2

Thankth.  Thtill, don't you know it ithn't very nithe to make fun of thomebody'th lithp?

Dear Webmaster-
Your sight looked pretty neat at first.....I must say I was pretty discussed
about
the Jesus Christ stuff....what do you want to take the express train
to hell...

you dont have to be sacrilegious to be cool....
-Tami Sue

Yes you do.  And you have to smoke, and drink, and hang out with a very bad crowd.  Maybe even grease your hair back, and roll cigarette-boxes up in your white T-shirt sleeve. You were pretty "discussed???"

Dear Webmaster-
i didnt think of anything of your web sit
i dont get my kicks from looking at phony pictures
i would rather see the real thing and experiance the real thing
this is only for desparatos
i dont fit in that group

-Vickii

What in the fuck are you talking about?  Usually if you're going to waste your time writing hate-mail, it should have some small semblance of meaning, but yours is just morononic.  You are one fucked-up puppy, doll.  Get a clue.

Dear Webmaster-
i love you so much i can't even put it in words, but i hope you will understand that i want to be Clint Eastwood when i grow up.  if you can't deal with that i guess we're through. 
-Tangerine

That really turns me on, for some reason.  I think I'm sick.

You wanna be in the letter archive someday? Send email to: alex@juicycerebellum.com

Wow, I just can't get enough of this!!! I want more, send me to the letters to the webmaster archive PART TWO, please!!!

You know the routine, just click it.


This page isn't hosted by geocities.  Geocities can suck my dic.