Letters to the Webmaster Archive
(Where old letters go to die.)
Dear Webmaster-
you need a life brother please reethink
your senseless bulshit
-Jammernwo316
Okay, I'll try to "reethink" my senseless "bulshit." The problem is, what senseless "bulshit" are you talking about? Just like every other dork with the opportunity to type hatemail, you don't mention what it is that's so senseless. My ability to spell?
Dear Webmaster-
I got into your page today and I must say I
thoroughly enjoyed it. In fact I spent a good part of 3
hours in it. I especially enjoyed the April Fools joke. LOL! Oh and the chatting rules are the
best!! And Alex, some of my best friends are midgets!!! I
absolutely loved your page. :)
-Angel Eyes
If you went to Hell, would your eyes still be angels?
Dear Webmaster-
In regards to "save the cerebellum," I'm sorry to hear about your money crunch. Have
you considered making The Juicy Cerebellum a
"members only" site? Keep some stuff available to
everyone but restrict a lot of stuff to people that actually
pay. That was one of the ways BBS's worked. Also all
the internet porn sites work that way. And everyone knows
that the only thing that has really made money off the internet
is the porno industry.
-Peter
I considered the "members" thing for about two-seconds. I decided the save the cerebellum idea was better, even if I don't make as much (or any) money off of it. It goes along with my beliefs, and doesn't force anyone to pay for my writing. I know some people online are just as broke as I am, and why should they be locked away from seeing the good updates, simply because they can't afford them? Once again, it would be a case of the rich getting everything, while the poor sit on the outside, and beg. I'd rather just ask people to send in whatever they think all the updates on this site are worth (which I know a lot of you out there haven't done), and trust that they'll send it. I just don't want The Juicy Cerebellum to become another elitist monkey-fart for the upper-class to rub the poor people's noses in. If anything, I'd rather have it the opposite. Let the rich get their face slammed in shit, for a change.
Dear Webmaster-
I just wanted to say that your website is
one of the BEST ones I have ever seen. I can't remember when I
have laughed as much, except for at Chris Rock's Bring the Pain
HBO Special.
Anyway, I won't take up any more of your time, cause you really
need to write some more funny stuff! I'm your newest fan!
-Angela
And I'm not starring in "Lethal Weapon 4!"
Dear Webmaster-
The Juicy Cerebellum is
definitely interesting...and very funny. Your stories about the *rules of
chat* were more than
true..and now I have to change some old habits I guess. Your
story of New Year's Eve with Miss Finland ...well...hopefully you will choose
someone of drinking age next time.
-Claire
It might help get rid of the cough.
Dear Webmaster-
You're a fucking genius! Honestly. I come to your page everyday,
and compare you to the greats. A lot of the time, you beat them.
You're God.
-Wa Ta Chee
Hey, if you meet up with Hong Kong Phooey, could you tell him, that, as God, I've got one up on him, now?
Dear Webmaster-
Really like the "this isn't my United States" update ... made a lot of sense. Made me
think a lot too. Why the hell did you have to go and do
that?
-Adam
I dunno. I wanted to accomplish something the K-12 educational system never could?
Dear Webmaster-
Just read your soliloquy on "My United States".
It was very good. Stark, brutal and depressing- but obviously
spoken from experience. Definitely plucked my heartstrings....
-Mara
I hope it didn't leave any stretch marks.
Dear Webmaster-
I thought your update
on the 70th annual academy awards was
very funny- 'specially your comments about getting fat being in
this year (rude as they were :) ). I went to high school
with Elisabeth Shue- her brother, too. Both were ahead of
me... I think Liz was a senior when I was a freshman.
Anyway, she always had a propensity towards porkitude :)
I'm glad you listed all the awards cause I didn't get to see the
show and I was wondering if Helen Hunt was really going to pull
off Best Actress. I'm glad she did - but did she really get
it for Twister or was it for As Good as it Gets?
-Mara
That "Twister" thing was a joke. So was the movie.
Dear Webmaster-
Hey dog entity! Rise up and bare your biscuit filthy fangs at the
oppressive leash wielding demon! Goddamn my navel itches! Ahem!!
Ergghhhh!! Agcheckkkkhh!! Ahem!!! Meow! Meow! Meow!! Cat
chow! Cease your flatulent winds and hear my mindnumbing
expulsions of wicked noise! Grrr!! CHEESE! I sense your envy of
my neck!
-Omelette
That letter made more sense to me than anything has in months.
Dear Webmaster-
Sure love your style!
-Moon Bihag
You should see the way my testicles bounce, when I'm on a trampoline!
Dear Webmaster-
I think this page is funny. But I'm
watching Nightstand and it's winning.
-Jocelyn
That's okay. While reading your letter, I called the "Weather Hotline," just for something to do.
Dear Webmaster-
I want to thank you for the juicy
cerebellum. I have a very warped sense of humour so
it appealed greatly.
-Diane
Were you watching "Nightstand," at the same time?
Dear Webmaster-
ALRIGHT NOW YOU HAVE STEPPED IN
IT,,,,,,,TELL YOU WHAT YOU GO TO HBO AND ASK FOR A INTERVIEW WITH
DENNIS MILLER .....AND THE 2 OF YOU CAN HAVE A STAND OFF ON
STAND UP AND NUTTY ONE LINERS.......KUDOS FOR YOU !
OOOPS THAT SOUNDED A BIT YUPPY GENERATIONAL! OH
WELL WHAT THE HELL !!!
-MO529
And, in the meantime, you could go to a keyboarding class, and learn all about a thing called "lower case."
Dear Webmaster-
Oh my god, this page is some of the
funniest stuff i have ever seen. I loved the hallmark card thing.
-Daisy
It was gay!
Dear Webmaster-
I visited The juicy cerebellum..and laughed my a$$ off!!! I love
the site and plan to visit fairly often!!
-Merkmare
Did you know you had dollar signs in your ass?
Dear Webmaster-
Whoa there, I just came back from your web page and you are truly
one disturbed individual. But...I like it.
-Linda
That's rather disturbing. (Hey, you can't expect me to think of an original comeback to all of these, can you?)
Dear Webmaster-
You have a GREAT site!!!! I only found out about it today, but I
will go here every day.
-Patrick Jura
What a coincidence, so will I! (Doesn't it just make you feel gooey?)
Dear Webmaster-
I gotta agree with you on most of those
reasons why America
is stupid except for 2 - noserings
(which hopefully someday i'll have), and batman and robin
(which was one of the best tv shows ever made). have a nice day.
-the ice queen
I meant the MOVIE "Batman and Robin," directed by that gay guy, and starring that "ER" freak. Noserings are fine, close-up, but from a distance, they really do look like you've got a huge clump of snot on your nose.
Dear Webmaster-
i want to tell you that you are very funny
i haven't seen a site as funny as this one i don't know you but
keep this site open to us update it as soon as you can.
-Leverne
Sorry, I don't do requests.
Dear Webmaster-
I read your webpage from time to time and there are some topics
that id like to question u about. First off, why do u hate
the death penalty so much?
-Rose M Bet
Ever seen "The Fugitive?" It's a simple, mass-marketed, entertainment machine. Yet, it's VERY, VERY good at showing how AMAZINGLY well a person can be set up. I'm not saying that's a very common occurrence, but it does occur. And no matter how smart someone is, they can't be smart enough to know what is going on in someone else's head. They just CAN'T. This should indicate to anyone with a thinking brain, that they cannot put that person they don't understand, to death, even if he/she WAS guilty. They can't even say they're better or worse than that person. We all deserve "the chair" in a way. How many have we killed? How many have had their life cut short by pollution, greed, and exorbitance? Everyday you pollute this earth. You contribute to the premature death of millions, as we all do. Should we have someone kill us, and then someone else kill the killer, until there's no one left?
If I die, from lack of proper medical care, do we kill everyone that voted down socialized medicine? The doctor that wouldn't treat me, and the clinic that wouldn't let him? There is NO intelligent argument siding with the death penalty, because there's nothing intelligent about murder. Execution is absolutely, totally wrong. There's too many contradictions. Not to mention, murdering someone for murdering someone, as many times as it's been said, is a really stupid, naive, humanistic, short-sighted, arrogant, wicked concept.
If the person committing the crime was mentally insane, he or she was not in control of his or her actions. Possibly didn't even know what they did/were doing. May have thought they were a werewolf (that's happened a lot, in murder cases), or possibly even a midget. Sometimes, all it might take to make these "psychos" better, is medication, which they have never received.
On the other hand, the executioner isn't mentally-insane, he's just an asshole. So is the vengeful society that gave him a job. No pill will help their idiocy. Their quest for revenge, under the guise of "justice."
What about the "why should our tax dollars pay for some nut to live in jail" argument? It's foolish. The person who is to be executed has to be PROVEN guilty, beyond a reasonable doubt. Every statistic, every number revealed, shows that the cost of PROVING someone guilty, and killing that someone is a LOT more than the amount it costs the public to put that person in jail for a lifetime. Even those for capital punishment admit to this fact. So, this is why I am against capital punishment.
Sorry you asked?
Dear Webmaster-
Once again I have visited your site and
have laughed and felt sorrow as I read the glorious pile of
ramblings from your brain. Thank you for the smiles and musing of
sorrows .... never give
up.
-Brenda
Benny said "poop," he said, "POOPY-POOP." And that's the newest, news scoop!
Dear Webmaster-
That's cool you're doing that banner thing. I've gotten like 10 times the hits
(which still isn't many), since you linked to my page. It's cool
you don't have some ego thing where fucking you're too good to
help "the little people".
-Doesn't want me to print his name, which is odd, SINCE HIS
SITE'S ON HERE!
I wasn't even aware I was one of "the big people." But, thanks. That's coming from someone that knows people aren't "big" or "little;" some are just small.
Dear Webmaster-
I was amazed by all the things that you get
to write and the way you can think sometimes. I loved your page.
I certainly had fun reading it. I am very different from you and
I have to admit that my way of thinking is different also, but I
do think that you may be a really interesting person.
-Rosabel
You never know.
Dear Webmaster-
Hi there, I'm a Real Texan. I really love Austin and so do most
of the people I know, Texans, or not. But your website
sucks. I think you are giving Texans and especially Austin
a bad name by going public with that crap.... pleas stop...
-Stephani Land
I wonder if the difference between a "Real" Texan and a "fake," is whether or not they carry a brain within their head? Obviously, as a "Real" Texan, you have a few miscalculated impulses, where a thought-process should be. If you're going to tell me to "stop" something, please tell me what it is that you want stopped. I've never badmouthed Austin, in my life. Yet, with your email, I end this update, as it began . . . with an ignorant dork that seems to hate The Juicy Cerebellum, but apparently has no clue as to why.
4/14/98 Update:
Dear Webmaster-
Your writing honestly arouses me. It's something I have with
people that can make other people think and laugh, at the same
time. I'm just wondering-if I saw you naked, would I be A.)
Repulsed B.) Aroused C.) Afraid?
-Loo
D.) Bored.
Dear Webmaster-
I completely agree with you on the Christians vs. Atheists thing.
Whenever people ask what religion I am, I always say
"Apathetic Agnostic - I don't know and I don't care." I
figure either way, I'll find out when I'm dead and it isn't
really anyone else's business what happens to me. I love your
site.
-Elizabeth
What if God, if there is a God, and he speaks English (I've always thought he would speak with colorful whistles and squeaky toys), told you he was an "Apathetic Lord," and then farted? I really didn't go anywhere with that sentence, did I?
Dear Webmaster-
Congrats, I liked the Christians Versus Atheists update a lot. I am a Christian but everything you said
was right. Why would I be offended?
-Peter McClung
Because you're a Christian?
Dear Webmaster-
Dude, I can't believe
you did that jgakjd;hjka;dhkjeaiorujh thing. That
is so fuckin funny. I had tears from laughing so
hard. Why I thought that was funny, I have no idea, but it
ruled.
-The disappearing boy
tupqyoimgqe;q;jjkm?
Dear Webmaster-
Not sure don't really know what your
point is in your web page. Found so many different things in it.
Can you explain a lil?
-Betz
Yes, a "lil" is a small midget. You usually find them in South Africa, hiding under mushrooms, and other vegetation.
Dear Webmaster-
I was feeling suicidal a couple of weeks
ago, and I chanced upon your site. The "poetry to cry with" section really helped me so much. It was empathy
plus plus, and I'll always remember the line that went something
like "a spot as lonely as me", and, "that for
once, my heart wouldn't be broken". All your poems touched
me in some way
-Steven
For once, I'm speechless. Thanks.
Dear Webmaster-
Hackers Hear a Who was a great update. One of your best. Nice
work. I feel that I should comment on it though.
Not all hackers are like that. Most hackers are quiet, nice
people who just like computers. It's all the immature 12
year olds and lamers out there that give hackers a bad image.
-Talon
Kind of like how rectums make butts look like assholes.
Dear Webmaster-
I am sure you know this already, but your page is very good.
Intelligent humour, I like that. I also like sarcasm, and I am
NOT being sarcastic when I say that.
-Miranda
Would you like my page better if it became a site for goth people, and I wore black lipstick, and looked like a dork?
Dear Webmaster-
I have to say that you've lived a very
entertaining life...I guess it just makes me glad to know that
I've been awful fortunate compared to you. I just loved
your page!! I don't know how I ever survived without seeing
it. It brought me hours and hours of entertainment.
-Monica
The fact you concluded that I've lived a "very entertaining life," is the proof I needed to finally raise my ego and decide, "hey, I am a good writer, after-all." Although, this response sucked so bad, it has me thinking, "gee, I sorta bite." So, we're back at the beginning. Ho-hum.
Dear Webmaster-
Hi, my name is Amalthea and I love your
website. It is sooo extremely funny. I have given the
URL to all of my friends and they have bookmarked it just as I
have. Keep up the great work.
-Amalthea
Have you ever seen a blue turtle? If you flip them on their back, they die. That's funny.
Dear Webmaster-
every time I need a laugh I check out your
page...its at the top of my bookmarks...keep up the cheerful
sight..love it.
-Pops
I get to be on top! I love being on top! Still, sometimes it can be more fun with the female on top, cuz her boobs kinda sway down, over your face, and you can squeeze them, as you copulate. I'm up in the air on this issue. It's about 50/50. Glad you put me on top, though. At least for the time being. Could we change positions, every so often?
Dear Webmaster-
All in all, this is the funniest damn site
on the net, and has been bookmarked. I'll be sure to visit your
site every time I need a GOOD laugh (which is pretty much all the
time). Keep up the hilarious work, and continue with the
ass-kicking!
-Jason Bacon
Any relation to Kevin? Or Piglet?
Dear Webmaster-
You can't be serious about the loser's homepage. That would have sucked in 1994...
-Greg
I'll let Kenny answer this one: "Dear Greg: In 1994, they were still making rather arduous (in a graphical sense) versions of the 'King's Quest' series. I had more pimples than I currently do, and was merely a player, rather than Dungeon Master. Also, my dad was currently dating my best friend's father. No, this is nothing like 1994."
Dear Webmaster-
It would be a shame if you had to stop doing the Juicy updates, because you ARE a talented and gifted writer, but in
the end, Alex, you have to do what is right for YOU, and not
worry about anyone else, because you are the only one you can
depend on. I hope everything works out for you.
-Dawn
I take it this means I'm not getting a donation?
Dear Webmaster-
I'd send ya a couple bucks but I blew all my money on records and
I need a new pair of shoes and other various items of clothing.of
course these won't be obtained until next month since I only have
like ten bucks which will soon be spent on food or something.
-Jason
Excuses are like assholes . . .
Dear Webmaster-
I wish you would have put up that save the cerebellum thing a
few days sooner! I just bought a new tv, since my old one was
going to hell and now I don't have any money. I'm sorry. If it
makes you feel any better, I think your site is worth millions!
-Booh
That didn't really help.
Dear Webmaster-
i just had 2 say that im really sory your site is posibly going
down. i wish i could help but i owe 2 much 2 good 'ol columbia
house. your page actully (sp?) is better than any of the cds i
got, i just ordered them be4 u asked.
-Robin
If you're going to send in an excuse, at least make it slightly believable. Or is that 2 much 2 ask?
Dear Webmaster-
Anyway, i'm really sorry about what's going on with you and your
$$$ probs. (and you're saying "Why doesn't she send
money?") well, truth is, I know it may not seem like alot to
you but I owe about 130.00 for a phone bill soooooo all I can
offer is mental support. Please, feel free to gripe at me all you
want. I'm open.
-Kate
I wouldn't want myself to blame, for your being institutionalized; so, all I'll ask you is this: what would happen if it was cheap to skate?
Dear Webmaster-
Whoah! Major bummer, man. I can't really say I know what it feels
like, because I am 14, live with my parents, and have no major
medical conditions. Try putting up an ad (not Fantasy Man's though) and telling people to click it to save the cerebellum. I think that would net you quite a bit of cash.
-Frog
You got it! That entire .03 cents per click could save me! I was thinking, if the 1 in 10 average, that actually take the time to click a banner, all clicked it, everyday, for the entire month, I'd get about 1,000 clicks. I could make THIRTY dollars! Where would I spend it all??? It's lucky those banner companies always find a way not to pay you, otherwise I may get rich, and stuck-up.
Dear Webmaster-
"The Juicy Cerebellum" is so
cool. I want to send ya some $$ to "save the
cerebellum" but i'm broke
-Sue
I'm sure that's what you tell the lady selling tickets at the movies, the cashier at the restaurant, and the grocer, at the store, too. I'm amazed the collection agencies let you hold onto your Internet account.
Dear Webmaster-
Is it true, you are ending your page in April? Then I might as
well get rid of my internet, because your page was the only thing
I come online for. I would send you money, but then again, I
don't have any.
-The Edge
Aren't you in U2? You guys did kinda lose it, when the eighties went out. Fine, I'll trust ya. You're broke.
Dear Webmaster-
so you said youre page is maybe going down
april 15 maybe? If you get enough money to pay your health
insurance stuff, will you keep it up? I wish sooooooooo bad I
could help but I am a broke college student who's broke.
-Jammy
And obviously hasn't attended college for long.
Dear Webmaster-
I love your page almost more than anything. If I wasn't married,
I'd say it would be the greatest thing in my life. I couldn't
bear to see it taken down. I would send you some cash, but I
can't right now, because of taxes. Is there anything else I could
do?
-Ron
You could send me your wife.
Dear Webmaster-
Hey Alex...I hear you're in a pinch for some cash. Have you
ever considered transforming Juicy Cerebellum into a webzine with
advertizers? I don't know why I'm suggetsing this to
you/butting in...must be boredom. With your writing skills,
you'd be sure to make some serious cash. You already have a
loyal audience, so why not think bigger?
-Beth
That "if you build it, they will come" type thing, huh? Something about a bunch of corporations "coming" all over my page doesn't really ease my frantic mind. BUT, if they did come, I may be open to offers . . . as long as they don't ask me to swallow.
Dear Webmaster-
Hi, um...I know you're a busy guy so I'll make this short.
I think you're right about the entertainment that your website
gives. I live in a town that has just killed the last (and
only) refuge for an aging punk rock guy to enjoy himself. I don't
have any place to go in this town anymore to entertain myself
(unless I feel like being surrounded by frat boys and sorority
girls) and since the only decent punk club till DC is dead, I'd hate to see your site go as
well. I don't have much cash due
to the fact that jobs are nearly impossible to find in this
shithole town but I will send you what I can. In a lot of
ways, I can relate to your problem. I hope that enough
other people can too and actually get off their asses and do
something about it. Keep me posted. Thanks for your time.
-Todd
Thanks for giving a shit. If nobody gave a shit, how would the plumbers keep working? I just think a lot of people got stuck giving a shit, and couldn't get off their asses long enough to do something about "it." Fuck 'em. This page is for people like you!
Dear Webmaster-
The "Throwing the Bone" update
is really cool, the part where you say "it's just a bunch of
rich companies trading money" is actually something I
figured out at around 10 years old (funny how some people can't
even realize it when it's explained to them) and I always used to
tell my Republican friend this, before he graduated and joined
the Marines.
-Nathan Disgusting
Odd you would mention the article "Throwing the Bone," and Marines, in one place, being that I was thinking about writing a sequel about the Marines tentatively titled, "Stroking the Bone."
Dear Webmaster-
dude, the juicy cerebellum is way cool, and
i've been a fan for a while, but it seems you're using your
influence to sway people over to communism. Look, if you
knew me better than just being the guy who won the "profound
thought of the day" contest, you'd know that i'm not very
patriotic. BUT, i do believe in a couple of things.
One of these is evolution. another is capitalism.
America is a pretty decent country, better than most, (granted we
could make it better) and it boils down to
one phrase:
capitalism works.
-ross
Yeah, if you have lots of capital. In the meantime, "RUN FOR YOUR FUCKING LIVES - THE COMMIES ARE COMING, THE COMMIES ARE COMING!"
Dear Webmaster-
What an update! What fabulous
political commentary in Throwing
the Bone! And I don't even like
to hear about politics usually.
-LIZ
I don't blame you. I mean, it is only your life, how it's run, and whether or not the world turns out to be an okay place to live in, if we're even left living at all. Yeah, fuck politics, man, they're boring. That response was kind of hostile, wasn't it? I take it back. Let's try another. Glad you liked the update, thanks! :)
Dear Webmaster-
Well, actually I am a republican.
-Maggie
Have you sought help?
Dear Webmaster-
Your page was inane.
-Nick Attractive
So is your stupid fucking name.
Dear Webmaster-
As your newest "groupie", my breasts heaved in
anticipation, as I impatiently waited for today's profound
thoughts. My body shivered and my pulse raced as I read
with intense interest all
the things you learned in kindergarten.
Your wisdom, insight, tenderness and intelligence is far superior
to anyone in this realm. You are the Omni-Alex, to be
adored and worshipped and glorified above all others! Come to me,
my darling, and I will "cradle you when you think everything
has gotten to be more than you can take", and it WILL be the
most wonderful thing in the world.
-Dawn
I'm gonna get laid.
Dear Webmaster-
OMGoodness! OMGoodness! OMGoodness! YOU ARE LIKE SOOOOOOOOOOO
FRIGGIN FUNNY!!!!!!!!!!!!!! I work with Kindergartners so I
reeeeeeeeaaaaallllllllly dug the Kindergarten thingy . . .
*lol* YOU ARE GREAT!!!!!!!! WOULDN'T WANT TO BE THE NEXT TO BREAK YER HEART . . . . BUT SURE WOULD LIKE TA BE YER
SWEETY!!!!!!!!!!! MARRY ME HUN!!!!!!!
PLEEEEEEEEEEZZZZZZZZZZ!!
-Moon
I think I'm gonna get laid, again.
Dear Webmaster-
I had more fun than Richard Gere with a bedroom full of small
woodland creatures.
-Beth
Now your name has got me singing KISS songs. What's up with me and KISS? I can't STAND them. I should see a shrink.
Dear Webmaster-
its official...you are certifiable..and i loved it..just my kind
of man..what can i say..my taste runs to the bizarre..plus it
helps if you have long hair..but not a prerequisite..hahaha..hope
to catch you soon.
-matty
Long hair, KISS . . . AAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHH!!!
Dear Webmaster-
Well I spent the better part of an hour going in and out of your
web site.... I think that it is a very good site for sure... a
little of everything for any one who has an open mind.
-Art
It's pretty "art"tistic too, wouldn't you think? (I can't believe I just said that. Why do humans feel compelled to make themselves look like idiots, by blabbering out some moronic joke? Doh!) (Yes, I did notice I missed the obvious "in and out" joke.)
Dear Webmaster-
THAT WAS THE FUNNIEST PAGE I HAVE SEEN IN A
WHILE......THANKS............
-Danny King
I won't do it. No "king of what?" jokes. Nah-ah. I won't be the king of fools.
Dear Webmaster-
That was SOOOO NUCKIN' FUTS!!!!!!! I loved it!!! I gave the addy
to like a million of my friends to go check it out!!! My fav one
was the one about Jesus!!!!! It was awesome!!! And the other fav was the chick from Finland coming
out for New Years Eve!!! I was laughing
so hard I nearly pissed myself!!! Oh gawd....I also bookmarked
it...cuz I don't wanna lose it!!! It's too awesome!!!
-Amy D.
My goal is to make her piss herself.
Dear Webmaster-
I checked out your page, I was not impressed at all. The mouth
can Go. Everyother word is F&@#. I pick people
<Friends> bye their language, & yours is horrible. My
page....although not much , has a bit more class.
-Tina
Yes, I can see your point. I too would like to be superficial enough to pick my friends based on their language. While you're at it, why don't you select them by skin-color, clothes and, hey, size of their dicks? What the hell? You sound like you could use a nice dick.
Dear Webmaster-
Your site is great! Really weird and that's what I like!
-Stefan
In that case, you may want to purchase this month's CD from the "good deed of the month club." Profits are going to a cause that helps keep morons like me alive.
Dear Webmaster-
I think your page is great
i laughed my ass off. You either got to much time on your hands
or you're just CRAZY.
-Barrie
What about both?
Dear Webmaster-
Cool site you have! hey... did you really get a visit from
that Scandinavian girl... sounds cool...
-Starblazer
Cool . . . and full of phlegm, how could you go wrong?
Dear Webmaster-
I love you....I have loved you for ages (well, a few hours
anyway....) You're about the smartest, most profound guy that
I've ever heard of....I love you.... And I love everything that I
know about you so far. I like the way you're an anally fixated,
sex crazed, fart filled human (it's probably the Aussie in me
that loves that...)....AND you have a fucking brain, that you
know how to use. I LOVE YOU!!
-This girl that's in love with me
Wow, you Aussies sure know how to get a point across.
Dear Webmaster-
Your site kicks. I'm a huge admirer. KEEP THE BRAIN STICKY!!!!!
-Jeremy
Not to mention various other body-parts.
Dear Webmaster-
Wow, i just saw your page
and now i see what i've been missing out on for a year!
good job!!
-Mike R.
Thanks. Don't forget to yell out the address in the local theater, right during the good part.
Dear Webmaster-
Don't listen to the other kids. Look where they are as
compared to you. The sentence most predominantly used to end
their conversations is: "Would you like fries with
that?" But you! You have a really neat webzine
and...um....yeah yer probably a pretty cool person and you...what
the hell do you do anyhow? Gee, I hope you don't work at a fast
food joint.
-Beth # 2
Uh . . . what are you exactly saying here? You don't want onions on your burger, but you want me to add an extra pickle? Okay, okay, got it. Would you like fries with that?
Dear Webmaster-
Crazy God-Guy
claims:
This is not the kind of site we'd care to recommend to others.
Alex Responds:
I'm sorry "we" wouldn't.
Crazy God-Guy
Claims:
If there is anything of any real value, it's lost in all the
garbage and profanity.
Alex Responds:
You can be rotten to the core, but the core may be beautiful.
Crazy God-Guy
Threatens:
Hope you take this to heart.
Alex Responds:
Yep. But I don't really give a shit.
Crazy God-Guy Remarks:
Some Scriptures come to mind, should you like to give them some
of your additional consideration...
Alex Responds:
Not really. I just like the "he who has not sinned,
should cast the first stone" one, personally.
Crazy God-Guy Does What
Crazy God-Guys Do Best, And Begins Quoting Scripture:
Prov 13:16 Every prudent man dealeth with knowledge: but a fool
layeth open his folly. Prov 12:15 The way of a fool is
right in his own eyes, but a wise man listens to advice.
Alex Does What
Angry-Alex's Do Best, And Gets Pissed:
I hope you're hearing me, then. Jesus sure didn't like a
hypocrite. I'm also pretty sure he didn't like people
PUTTING OTHER PEOPLE DOWN WITH THE SCRIPTURES! If you use
the Bible as a weapon, to sling insults, you're very fucking
confused. If there is a Hell, I may be sent to it, but buddy,
it's people like you that will beat me there.
Crazy God-Guy Ends The
Letter With Some Good Christian-Guilt, And Starts Blaming The
Proverbs, While Using Really Crappy Grammar:
Please don't take this in a negative light, but Proverbs has much
to say concerning much of the material presented on much of your
website.
-Crazy God-Guy
Alex Gets In The Last
Word, Cuz, Damnit, He Runs This Page:
Nice you mentioned which material you were talking about.
How am I 'sposed to consider or "rethink" anything,
when I don't even know what you're referring to, and how these
quotes are related to it? Now, onto some letters from people that
actually use their minds, and aren't just slaves to
them:
Dear Webmaster-
I am really impressed. At one time, I considered myself
relatively 'odd'. Evidently you're a kindred spirit, but to
a degree that even I look at from a distance and say 'woah.
That guy's nuttier than Skippy peanut butter.
Mmmmm...peanuts.'
-Sak
Can I pretend your name is mine?
Dear Webmaster
I enjoyed your site. Mostly, I just read the Finnish girl story 'cause I thought there might be some sex. I was a
sucker, but I considered masturbating when I got to the
"good parts"-- the obvious whoppers.
The Carla Faye stuff was pretty decent, though. At least it's not gutless;
it's sure to offend if you could expose the right audience to it.
Besides, I guess I liked you because I think people suck. They're
dumb (or is it stupid?), irrational (thankfully, perhaps) and
generally no-count (but convinced firmly of their own
importance).
-Ron
"I liked you because I think people suck." It makes sense, but I'm not quite sure as to why.
Dear Webmaster-
You made my day....and will in days to come, I'm sure!!!!
You are totally nuts, but I'm sure that's not something you
haven't been told!
-Charlene
I remind myself, everyday. Then I take a bunch of pills, and go to sleep.
Dear Webmaster-
sounds like you have been hooking up with the wrong women!!!!
try women who have self-esteem enough to tell the truth!!!
maybe you need an older woman! Experience comes in more forms
than SEX. sex is everywhere and easy to get.
-Jayne
Boy, I wish I lived in your city.
Dear Webmaster-
I checked your site out, it's the most brilliant Ive ever seen. I
spent 3 days reading every lil scrap I could, I love it! I'm just
waiting for the next part of dead dogs dont roll over.
-Meggs
So am I.
Dear Webmaster-
Lately, your profound thoughts are getting more and more abstract
and bazaar. I personally, am now quite frightened of you. I
would appreciate it if you could see fit to come back down the
level of insanity that the rest of us are currently enjoying.
-Joshua W. Davis
That letter reminds me of this thing I was thinking about people enjoying stuff. If we enjoy something a lot, and that thing ends, and someone else goes and enjoys it a lot, and it ends for them, until another person goes and enjoys it, in which it begins again, would that thing be a slut?
Dear Webmaster-
I encourage you to write a BOOK. you may turn becoming a
MILLIONAIRE so you could continue fucking up COMFORTABLY the
lives and thoughts of many imbeciles around the world. That
would be a very, very nice kind of life. And I hope that if you
are the ALEX who is writing there, you have all the best you
deserve, man.
-Mystery Killer
Actually, I'm not the Alex that is writing there. He's happily-retired in Cambodia right now, and making me, Alex 2, do all the work. Dr. Seuss wrote a book about it, once.
Dear Webmaster-
I loved your sight..I bookmarked it so i can visit it again...:)
Job well done..:) I have a Homepage as well..:) I didn't think I
could do one and well once I did I just couldn't stop myself..:)
-Christine
I know, it's a lot like ending your virginity. Before you have sex, you wonder what the big deal is, and why people have to be having it everyday. After you have sex, you wonder what the big deal is, and how you can get it everyday.
Dear Webmaster-
i checked out the site, i really liked it (like you care). and i
really enjoyed the
story of the girl from Finland who came
to visit you. i can understand that also, but not Finland. (but i
doubt you care about that, either.)
-Jack from Coolidge Records
Jack from Coolidge Records . . . trust me, I care.
Dear Webmaster-
I really loved your poems, especially "The
Best Fucking Poem Ever"
:) I also sent a story for the EX-Files.
-Dawn
Thanks. But it accidentally got deleted by me. Could you send it again?
Dear Webmaster-
I visited your site, it is fucking whacked.
-The Drifter
It also whacks off on a regular-basis.
Dear Webmaster-
I'll be nice . . . stick it in your ear.
-Edward A. Sims
It's lucky you chose to be nice, because my ass is already full.
Dear Webmaster-
Very cool page.....it does help to be a little insane to enjoy
it. I bookmarked it so I can come back whenever I need some
insanity in my life.
-Carla
According to a new study done by the people that recommended you eat lots of bacon, that would be everyday.
Dear Webmaster-
Which parts do you enjoy most?
-Bob
Uh . . . are you okay?
Dear Webmaster-
I enjoyed it immensely.
-Dan
Your letter gave me shivers.
Dear Webmaster-
I'm still laughing
-Wa Ta Chee
It's been days!!!
Dear Webmaster-
I love it....L(aughing)M(y)A(ss)O(ff).
-Wolf Lady
In that case, wouldn't you be a hyena?
Dear Webmaster-
Cool website, so much to read, whew!
-Arlene
"Whew!" That's just what I said.
Dear Webmaster-
Damn that was fun.
-Art
I think you came up with a brand new slogan. "The Juicy Cerebellum . . . damn that was fun."
Dear Webmaster-
I somehow found your site only 3 days after it came up and have
read it ever since. I have not missed a single day! This is my
first time writing to you because I figured you had enough
letters, but after the old
versus young article I had to. I keep
wondering when you'll run out of ideas, but after the last few
updates I wonder if you ever will. 27 ways to tell when you're really horny was the funniest update you've ever had ... and that's
saying something. I figured it was the peak. Then only one day
later you beat it with old
versus young. I can't tell you how hard
I laughed because you wouldn't believe me. I have to go now, I'm
starting to gush. You can print this letter if you want to.
-Sammy (Samantha)
Okay. Thanks for the permission. It's cool to hear from someone that's been here since the beginning. I'm just trying to find out how you ever found this place, way back then. Have I had sex with you?
Dear Webmaster-
Old Versus Young was beautiful! As a 33-year-old lady caught between
"young" and "middle-age," I couldn't have
said it better myself. You deserve to make millions off of your
writing. Throwing the
Bone showed your work maturing past
even a journalistic level. In its honesty it depressed, yet made
you think. Somehow I get the feeling Juicy fans are
going to soon bid farewell to the "toilet" humor, and
welcome in a whole new level of intelligence at The Juicy
Cerebellum.
-Belinda
Will you let me live in your boob?
Dear Webmaster-
hello alex, you webmaster you. i just wanted to confess my mad
love for you so you know that it's ME running through the streets
naked screaming your name and and making rings for you. you sweet
hunk of a man who confides in this web and answers the
letters....i like any stories that mention the words
"naked".."nude".."porn" or
"underpants." Please write more stories with those
words!
~humptyhillhead of humself
Were you naked when you wrote that letter? I find that people in the nude write the strangest of emails. I don't know if that has to do with the fact that someone sitting naked on their computer is more than likely looking at porn, but it may have. Now, go put your underpants back on, before you get your chair crusty.
Dear Webmaster-
if you masturbate while looking up porno pictures, but don't have
a mouse on your computer, won't the keyboard get sticky?
-Sticky Boy
Well, Sticky Boy, that's a complex question, and actually has three separate answers. Answer A is directed toward males, and goes something like this, "not unless you keep masturbating, after you orgasm." Answer B is more for the females out there rubbing themselves over images on a monitor, and it's, "not if you have more than one hand." The third answer's the one that gives me the creeps, this says, "not unless you type out emails to people, before washing your hands." Eww.
Dear Webmaster-
Is all that health care stuff true? Hmm..now I can't just go to The Juicy Cerebellum to
get a laugh, I can go there to get depressed too.
-Jason
Hey, don't look at me, it's the Republican's fault.
Dear Webmaster-
Congratulations on your new domain!
-Mara
Thanks. Tell all your friends, relatives, and that crazy drunk guy that's peeing in the street.
Dear Webmaster-
Wow, it's great that you got your own domain name! Oh, yeah, I
just need one more buck before I can send you the money for the good deed of the month thing.
-Monkey Boy
Wow, it's great that you got your own domain name! Oh, yeah, I just need one more buck before I can send you the money for the good deed of the month thing.
Dear Webmaster-
What a whacked out site! I love it! How the hell did you start
something like that up? You stuck me in my Monty Python funny
bone and it's messing with my there-are-only-so-many-left brain
cells! HEHEHE!
-Dani
Out of curiosity, have you ever heard of a comedy-group called "Monty Python?" A lot of people tell me that if you like this site, you might like them. Maybe you should check into it, sometime.
Dear Webmaster-
i just wanted to tell you i checked out your site..and although
there is some funny stuff, my god you aren't satisfied with any
movie that doesn't deal with naked women do you? even some
of those you don't like! can i say..hard to please?
-Pierced Girl
That letter sucked.
Dear Webmaster-
"10 really crappy
glam-bands the world could have done without" is great. And thank you for including Van Halen!!
Finally, someone else who doesn't like them!!! What an overrated
band!..Your site is cool.
-Anthony
"Finally, someone else who doesn't like them!!!" What part of the world do you live in?!?
Dear Webmaster
Checked your page out, like it lots! (Except the McDonald's
joke...hehe..I LOOOVE McDonalds.)
-Macgirl
You poor, deprived child - you've been brainwashed by Mayor McCheese.
Dear Webmaster-
Liked your page! where do you get the energy?
-Bennie
From my butt.
Dear Webmaster-
Your page totally RULES!!! My name is Amber, and I'm 18, if you
care!
-Amber
Of course I do, otherwise it would be against the law. ;)
Dear Webmaster-
great site---I can tell you spend a lot of time and effort on it.
-Pan
As you obviously did with your letter.
Dear Webmaster-
Upon reading your web site, I can only say that you are a
sociopath of the first order, a twit, and a danger to all that is
moral in this country.
-The Weatherguesser
There's no way for me to tell you how much that meant to me.
Dear Webmaster-
I REALLY ENJOYED THE PAGE, THANKS FOR MAKING ME SMILE.
-Bobby
YOU'RE WELCOME.
Dear Webmaster-
I love your page! I spent a lot of time looking at all the
links and laughing my @ss off!
-Sexy Sherry
Are you really sexy, or just some gross chick who doesn't wipe, and decided to grow an ego over the 'net? Are you a man in disguise? Do you work for the CIA?
Dear Webmaster-
very interesting site. I like the cyberotica trash article.
-Ozzy
I'd like to trash Cybererotica. It's sort of my ambition in life.
Dear Webmaster-
you have been a busy fellow . . . interesting, but then what is
the point??
-BB
I'm guessing that's just what your mother was thinking, the day you were born.
Dear Webmaster-
Now, that is my type of site!! You take a lot of pride in
it, don't you? You keep it updated at least once per
week. Good job, and I will make sure I send the INSANE to
you!!! (Including myself)
-Lonnie
Yes, send them all! I want the manics, the depressives, the schizos, psychotics, liberal-art students! Bring on your legion of nuts - they're all normal here, because nobody is sane! (Wow, I think my seizure-activity is really starting to show.)
Dear Webmaster-
Enjoyed the site and wanted to encourage you to continue even
though I'm a Republican and hope you die.
-Greg Cason
Got a big kick out of your letter, and encourage you to keep writing in, even though I'm a Liberal, and hope your whole party drowns in a Titanic-like "disaster."
Dear Webmaster-
Regarding Corporal
Bert, what a hoity-toity anal-retentive
psycho-pervert! You should ask him where Corporal Ernie and
the rest of the Sesame Street Platoon is... Self-inflated
is right, although it seems likely that he's also inflating
something else on those hot (and bothered?) nights.
-Mark
Probably higher-ranked officers.
Dear Webmaster-
Hello, my name is Ernie, and I am writing you in response to my
friend Bert. He calls himself corporal Bert. I must
apologize for his actions, you see, we have been playing army
lately, and now he thinks he is a soldier. He is not a
member of any armed forces, he is simply a Sesame Street
character that has gotten out of control. We have tried to
medicate him, but he is only a hand puppet, and it has no effect
on him. We tried hypnosis, but he has Attention Deficit
Disorder, like most puppets, and runs away. At this time,
we aren't sure what course of action to take with him. We
are growing increasingly worried about him, as he repeatedly
makes mention of "eyeball juice." We feel this might be
surfacing from a deep seeded complex he has, due to the fact that
he has a hand stuffed up his butt all day long, but we're not
really sure. In any case, please be kind to him, and continue to
show support by watching us on your local PBS station.
Thank you.
-Ernie
Ernie, thanks for writing in. I have been an avid Sesame Street fan since the beginning, even though I wasn't born yet, then. I will keep in mind what you have said, and treat Bert in a firm, yet non-threatening manner.
Dear Webmaster-
I just wanted to say thanks
for letting me put in my two cents about the whole
G.I. Jane drama.
-Corporal Bert
No problem, it's been fun.
Dear Webmaster-
i enjoyed your movie
reviews better than i've enjoyed
anything new you've put on your site since..... yesterday.
it makes me want to go out and rent L.A. Confidential!
-LIZ
That would be tricky, since it's still at the theater.
Dear Webmaster-
I just finished reading day number 5 in the "journal," and I thought that fuckin update just
ruled. I have no idea why.
-Troy
I'm guessing it was the hot sex, and $17.99 fee.
Dear Webmaster-
Boy I sure did enjoy dat dere death penalty thang!!! Whoo
boy that was
good... Anyway.... hum dee dum
hey - great update!!!
-Frank Zappa
Can I assume you're not from Texas?
Dear Webmaster-
I really liked chapter
60 of the novel-great cliffhanger! I
liked your take on
the Texas execution also. When I saw
the interviews with the victim's family I was sickened. Who says
justice can't be vengeful!! "As long as the families feel
vindicated, that's the important thing." I really do
not understand people at all.
-Heather
At least not them crazy Texans.
Dear Webmaster-
An interesting and insightful piece on humanity in your 01-31-98 posting. It would seem that humanity as a whole has a
hypocritical stance. "Be honest" it says, but
secretly, they tell you dishonesty gets things done.
"Be nice," but hey, when nobody's looking screw a
fellow human in the ass. Have a conscious except when you
need something. "Be truthful," but get blasted for not
coming up with a good enough lie to cover up your screwup.
-Kenneth Christ
Hey, that's what I said! Except, my last name isn't "Christ," it's "Gilligan." I feel so small . . .
Dear Webmaster-
Alex, you bloody rule! This is the best and funniest page I've
ever seen and now I think I'm deeply in like with you. That
"Eesabelle" sounds like a fucking bitch. She did not deserve
you anyway. Thanx heaps for the laughs, I needed some.
-MADDIE.
I'm slightly frightened over how much you're falling in like with me. This is bordering on obsession. I've heard of like at first sight, but this is a "site," and you've never even seen me. Still, I like you, too.
Dear Webmaster-
i just wanted to tell u i think ur really cool and i like ur
website its real funny and i can feel ur pain about ur ex ..i been through it all too i get stepped on and
treated like a piece of shit for being nice but oh well what goes
around comes around and they will get theirs.
-EYeLiT
Or else we'll just marry them, which would most likely be the same thing.
Dear Webmaster-
I was cruisin' your sight, when suddenly everything got fucked
up. I don't know if it was huri.net or IE (I was surfing on AOL),
but I couldn't get to any pages. Incidentally, it happened right
after I read "If
Microsoft were actually honest".
Coincidence? I think not.
It's all a conspiracy, man.
-Brian
That's kind of like when I had a seizure while looking up "poop" in the "Microsoft Encarta" encyclopedia. The truth is out there.
Dear Webmaster-
My bowels are relaxing, even as I type.
-Unknown
I seem to have that effect on people. It sucks to be me.
Dear Webmaster-
Umm . . . does this cost money?
-Tightass
Not unless you're KIND, TRUSTING and GENEROUS enough to buy the CD from the "Juicy Cerebellum good deed of the month club," wherein ALL profits will be donated to a charity. Still, I'm sure you won't, since NO ONE ELSE HAS, YET!!! (That "YET" part was a hint.)
Dear Webmaster-
The good deed of the
month club: finally! a club worth joining! I will eventually send you money and a witty
letter in exchange for a CD and a lock of your pubic hair.
-Monkey Boy
Yippee! Someone's gonna join the club! So, I have to chop off a little pubic hair, big deal? It'll grow back. WEEEEEEEEEEEEEE!
Dear Webmaster-
Loved the Geoshitties
thing, I always hated them
fuckers. Slow as a frozen dog-turd, and worse than AOL for
ADS everywhere. So...when are you hosting the "Bloody
Maxi-Pad Circle-Jerk Marathon?" My team is ready and
waiting to wrap them absorbent pads around our wangers and STROKE
TO VICTORY! Well, I now must go update the link on my site
to the new URL of your site. And then it's glorious
MASTURBATION TIME!
-Rev. Dr. Spazztech Luxx
You have just put multiple images in my mind that cannot be erased.
Dear Webmaster-
I LOVE THIS FUCKIN SITE ITS THE BEST SITE I EVER FOUND ON THE WEB
DONT EVER STOP IT!
-Anonymous
If you don't want to EVER miss an update, make sure you send an email to alex@juicycerebellum.com requesting to be added to "The Juicy Cerebellum" mailing-list. It's something bigger than all of us. If the site goes down, I'll email the updates to ya, if I have to! SIGN UP, TODAY!
Dear Webmaster-
Damn, I'm sorry about you page. That sucks really huge fat
donkey penis. Thank God I had your e-mail, or I would have
just stopped coming (eek!).
-Adam
You just sorta proved the point I made up above. What a coincidence I placed this letter below that comment. Remember, I have some back up sites, and if you wanna know where to get Juicy, at all times, I have to have a way to tell you. Send me your email at alex@juicycerebellum.com and just tell me you wanna be on the list (I'm making a point, here)!
Dear Webmaster-
I was hoping you'd make a mailing list or something. I
thought i was gonna
die without my daily visits to The Juicy Cerebellum.
-FilthPunk
Yes, and that mailing list has saved you from death, my friend! As it could save so many others, if they would only send a message to alex@juicycerebellum.com asking to be saved in their hour of need!
Dear Webmaster-
This is one of the best sites on the web, so please keep me
updated on it. Thanx.
-Todd
No, thank you Todd. Thank you for taking that extra second to send an email to alex@juicycerebellum.com requesting to be put on the list. Pat yourself on the back, kid, you just did a good deed for mankind.
Dear Webmaster-
i want to be added to the list ok..i kept trying every day 4 the
past few days and it wasn't working ..i was soooo upset i thought
u were gone...thank god u r back
-EYeLiT
Yes, thank GOD! Thank God my site came back. But what if God failed, one day? What if The Juicy Cerebellum went down FOREVER? Would you melt away, like those people at the end of "Raiders of the Lost Ark?" NO! For I would have your email address that you sent me at alex@juicycerebellum.com and would keep you in touch with The Juicy Cerebellum's status!
Dear Webmaster-
Just read your redneck
thing-loved it. Keep up the good
work, opinionated anarchists of the
world... unite.
-Chris
Where did that "anarchy" thing come from, all of a sudden?
Dear Webmaster-
I just want to say that your site totally rocks and you are,
indeed, the Lord on Earth. Keep up the good work!
-Chris
Are you the same Chris from up above, using a different email address? If you are, you must be really bored.
Dear Webmaster-
Please don't encourage people to blow up Texas. I like it here.
-Chris
Uh, Chris, you really gotta get out more.
Dear Webmaster-
i finally checked out your site and i got yelled at for laughing
too hard. You just have to be soooo damn FUNNY all the time,
don't you? You just want to see me get in trouble. Yes you do. I
see that evil gleam in your eye, don't deny it! If you could make
someone laugh til they keeled over and DIED you would! You'd love
to see all of us poor lonely pathetic teenagers get reamed out
for "making too much noise" wouldn't you? Yeah. You
know you would.
-Wren
It's the dream that won't let me sleep.
Dear Webmaster-
Just finished reading about half of your web site. I'm about to
lose my job for having too much fun at work. Thanks a lot.
Anyway, just wanted to let you know that it's really great, keep
it up. I found a lot of stuff in there that I identify with
pretty well. I have seizures too, I take Paxil, I've had my heart
ripped out a couple of times, blah blah blah. So I found it
pretty amusing. One thing's for sure, though - people always get
what's coming to them. And any girl who would treat someone as
funny and honest as you deserves...well, you're far more creative
than I, why don't you think of something? I'm surprised women all
over the country aren't offering to fly you around and meet them
after seeing your great site. Thanks, (and I mean it)
-Jeremy
Shit, I can't even get women to "fly" over to the post-office to send me $12.00 to buy the "Juicy Cerebellum Good Deed Of The Month Club" CD (and a lock of pubic-hair, I guess).
Dear Webmaster-
you are a smart man for not watching "flubber."
-Austin
I really should mention that that comment was related to my movie reviews page, and maybe even link to it, but that would be sort of low, so I won't.
Dear Webmaster-
I never know someone like you. Sick!
-Rick
I not never know you, neither. Sick!
Dear Webmaster-
Yeah, I love you. What you write is sick - sick - sick - sick -
so sick
to make me want to suck you.
-John
Um . . . why are my readers starting to scare me?
Dear Webmaster-
I have been visiting your Juicy site all evening. I
really like your straight forward way of presenting your thoughts
on, well, everything! Most of this stuff people think all the
time but never say, much less put on a website. Just wanted to
tell you how much I liked your site.
-Michele
Thank you, my ego has been adequately raised.
Dear Webmaster-
on your EX-files stories, why didn't you tell the Marilyn Manson
thing?
he's cute.
-I forgot
Oh.
Dear Webmaster-
I love "The Juicy Cerebellum"!
-The Velveeta Medulla
It told me to thank you.
Dear Webmaster-
I love you Alex!!
-Salli
I adore you, Salli!!
Dear Webmaster-
Thanks for giving me a laugh in the midst of El Nino's tyrannical
rule.
-Jim McKeny
I wish a big storm that destroys millions of lives could be named The Juicy Cerebellum. Now that would bring in some publicity!
Dear Webmaster-
I had fun at your site, was it good for you, too?
-Quickie
It was almost as though I didn't even know you were there.
Dear Webmaster-
I was amused to see all the response to the whole GI
Jane issue. What
surprised me was that the fans of the Cerebbellum, a
publication(?) filled with sarcasm and sick humour, failed to see
that Jane is also a bizarrly funny individual.
Somehow, I failed to notice myself. "Slightly mundane," and "overly hostile" are two things that come to mind, when thinking of our dear old Jane.
How strange that Juicy Cerebellum groupies got so offended when Alex got into a bit of verbal (or written) sparring with their God amongst midgets. While Jane's sick jokes involve guns and violence instead off boobs and poop (I said the cool word!!!), they're no more serious than Alex's.
In that case, the only problem would be the fact that THEY'RE NOT FUCKING FUNNY! I heard that rubbing your boobs, while taking a poop can relieve constipation, consequently leading up to far better jokes.
Funnier still are readers who, offended by the agressive nature of the interview, got all upitty and started pounding their proverbial chests like primates fighting over some orangutan poontang. While I understand that those who aren't aqquainted with the Marine's sense of humor may take it too seriously, you have to understand our state of mind -- best summed up in a parody of a famous movie. "I eat breakfast 300 yards from 5,000 illegal aliens trained to clean-up after me. So don't think you're going to come down here in your faggoty Mayor McCheese outfit and your Dorkweiner mouth and and intimidate me."
Jack Nicholson did it better.
So if you're among the
have-nots (referring to sense of humor) who didn't like the
interview and took a few sharp jabs as a reflection of a
psychotic tendency in all Marines, go ahead and think that. It's
your right afforded by me and other trained killers like me who
are willing to get eyeball juice under our finger nails to
protect that freedom.
-Corporal Bert
Alright, the self-inflated drivel stops right here, bud. Don't forget to wash out that "eyeball juice," it can really sting the next morning.
Dear Webmaster-
Wow, it seems that you have managed to piss off one of
"Uncle Sam's Finest".
RIGHT THE FUCK ON!!!! People like her (I would say
brainwashed, but that
requires a brain) really piss me the fuck off. I mean, what kind
of world are
we living in when people feel the need to start getting pissy
about the fact
that someone loves the word "poop"? It is a great word,
proud and noble, that
stands out in a crowd and says "Hey! I'm poop, and I'm proud
of it! If you
don't like that then FUCK OFF BECAUSE THAT IS WHAT I AM, AND THAT
IS ALL THAT
I AM YOU STUPID FUCKING JARHEAD!"
-This guy with a pooping picture
That picture you sent me was really, really gross.
Dear Webmaster-
I think that the word poop should be put into the US National
Anthem. When I'm at a baseball game, I WANT TO HEAR THE
WORD POOP!
Thanks.
-Adam
If I remain silent, people might start thinking that I invented the word. That would be sooooooo neat if 200 years from now, you'd look in the Encyclopedia, under the word *poop*, and there would be a picture of me.
Dear Webmaster-
I like to smash up my Rolaids into a fine chalky powder, and then
add it to my milk. It makes a super enhanced, juicy, calcium
filled treat. And it's yummy too.
-T-Roydius
It's almost as though I'll print anything, these days.
Dear Webmaster-
Will you print this on your letters page?
-Todd
Doh!
Dear Webmaster-
love you darling, you make me crazy.
haven't laughed this hard in... well, probably since I was
pre-natal.
though maybe i should get out more.
-Didn't leave her name
Yikes . . . what if it's not a "her."
Dear Webmaster-
i just got told to come look at your site and i was feeling
completely bored
and couldnt sleep so when i came here, i was immediately
refreshed! well not
really 'refreshed' maybe just awakened. :)
Your writing is cool, it made me laugh and and
i had something to read that
wasn't complete crap while i was listening to my Hum cd and
dreaming about
Failure and dirty blue balloons. Anyhoo...keep on spinning out
this funny
shit, it's great.
-Jennii
Somehow I feel like Tony the Tiger.
Dear Webmaster-
I really loved your web page. I just stayed up all night looking
at all the weird shit.
Sad really. What kind of life must I have, spending six
hours on one site? And
not even a twisted porn site like proper sicko's would spend time
at.
I had many inspirational and irrational thoughts while browsing
the many
attractions of your mind, but I can't remember them all, now that
I'm
actually writing you (Wow! The REAL Alex...).
-Wolfe
Actually, I'm only a cheap imitation - the real Alex is dead.
Dear Webmaster -
Your site fucking rocks! I mean I have had lots of
prospective
customers here at huri.net but none of them were ever as fucked
up and
insane as you. You get the Huri's Websight Award for the
best insane
site ever! When I found your site I thought, wow, this guy
is like
deranged, like me. I thought I was the only one. Glad
to have met another
deranged individual. And to see all of the screwed up
people that read
your page and write letters to it. I love you all!
-Huri, Webmaster of http://www.huri.net/
Okay, so if you check out the address, you might notice his opinion may be a little biased, but he is a cool webmaster, and beats the hell out of GeoCities, even though his letter was kinda an ad.
Dear Webmaster-
I find your page on my
internet, and I think to enjoy it whole lots. I need look
at all of pages for laughter, and my become your fan. I
trouble understand some, but make smiles. I have only
question. thank you,
and bye bye
-Habbib
"Now remember," mother says, "never make fun of foreign people, they're just like you, with worse accents."
Dear Webmaster-
You're a total fuckin' nut, and I mean hardcore, frickin'
lunatic... I like the
other 12 steps, haha, and the GeoCities thing. Sorry I did not click on your banner, though. Very
cool Site .... take care!
-Jenn
This brings up a point - the banner point. NO ONE is clicking on the banner. I'm getting like three clicks a day. Now everyone, please - after you're done reading this update, I beg you to go click that banner, and then click the "get me in there" option. It will take you a total of about 22 seconds, and will help this site reach its goal of getting a domain name. Thanks.
Dear Webmaster-
I've just learned of your amazing site and have laughed my ass
off (Now I have
no ass) and identified with most of the articles on the
Cerebellum. Yet
nothing has stated what was within my own heart as much as the Princess Di
article. Why the hell do we see
celebs as flawless entities along the same level as
Christians do with Jesus Christ and Tammy Faye Baker?
-Brian
Because we're all pathetic?
Dear Webmaster-
You made it rain.
-Anonymous
Somehow, this letter scares more than any that have come before.
Dear Webmaster-
Huh?
-Billy Boy Blue
Your name gives me the image of a 300-pound gay-man, wearing shitkickers and overalls, while sucking on a pacifier. I think I like it.
Dear Webmaster-
This letter is going to sound weird. I just
wanted to tell you that I think you are the
sexiest man I *never* saw. I think you're
funny, charming, outrageous, original, bold,
and sweet, all at the same time.
Sometimes I wish I could just wrap my arms around
you and pretend I'm your mother. Others I
just want to sit on your face and let you eat my pussy, while
softly massaging my nice, round tits. I think I'm in love
with you. Or else I hate you.
-Lili
I just wish you could wash this cum off of my stomach and hand.
Dear Webmaster-
I think that was really unfair what that Marine girl did to you. What a bitch!
I thought your answers to her boring questions
were really funny. If she can't get
that Bert dude to like her, maybe she should just
give it up, and stop blaming
cool people like you. Don't let her
dishonest behavior make you not trust women.
Not all of us are like that. I think it's
just the Marines that put a chip on her idiot shoulder.
-Jill
She's a wanna-be Demi Moore, looking for respect from daddy. At least I squeezed an update outta her. (Sorry, "squeezing" things has been on my mind, since the first letter.)
Dear Webmaster-
That interview with our nation's finest, err, um, uh, soldier, yeah - that's it, fuckin'
ruled. I don't know what to say here Alex, I laughed my ass
off.
-Rev. Troy
It's always nice to have someone to laugh at.
Dear Webmaster-
I can't believe you gave that chick all that space! although I guess the whole thing does
illustrate how
*insert your own adjective here* people can be.
-Mark
Deceptive?
Dear Webmaster-
I dig the new Marine. Take it
easy.
-Austin
Wow, G.I. Jane is getting all the attention I'm guessing that she was hoping for.
Dear Webmaster-
That jarhead lady is a fucking moron. What the hell does
"semper fi"
mean anyway? It should be "the few, the proud, the
ignorant." If she ever gets to read
this then I say this to her: "you suck
ass, you stupid bitch. Don't
fuck with 'the juicy cerebellum'!" thank you. Fight
war, not wars, or something..
-private parts
And see? Now her (the jarhead lady) hostility has caused even more hostility, and that hostility will cause even more, and soon there will be another World War, which will remind America how we "need" Marines. It's all part of their plan.
Dear Webmaster-
I think chapter
59 was the best one yet! I have
been here since the beginning, and this was the best thing
yet! Thanks for writing it.
-Harry G.
How's Kenny doing?
Dear Webmaster-
Chapter 59 wath jutht peachy. it'th changed my life.
-Number 2
Thankth. Thtill, don't you know it ithn't very nithe to make fun of thomebody'th lithp?
Dear Webmaster-
Your sight looked pretty neat at first.....I must
say I was pretty discussed
about the Jesus Christ
stuff....what do you want to take the
express train
to hell...
you dont have to be sacrilegious
to be cool....
-Tami Sue
Yes you do. And you have to smoke, and drink, and hang out with a very bad crowd. Maybe even grease your hair back, and roll cigarette-boxes up in your white T-shirt sleeve. You were pretty "discussed???"
Dear Webmaster-
i didnt think of anything of your web sit
i dont get my kicks from looking at phony pictures
i would rather see the real thing and experiance the real thing
this is only for desparatos
i dont fit in that group
-Vickii
What in the fuck are you talking about? Usually if you're going to waste your time writing hate-mail, it should have some small semblance of meaning, but yours is just morononic. You are one fucked-up puppy, doll. Get a clue.
Dear Webmaster-
i love you so much i can't even put it in words,
but i hope you will understand that i want to be Clint Eastwood
when i grow up. if you can't deal with that i guess we're
through.
-Tangerine
That really turns me on, for some reason. I think I'm sick.
You wanna be in the letter archive someday? Send email to: alex@juicycerebellum.com
Wow, I just can't get enough of this!!! I want more, send me to the letters to the webmaster archive PART TWO, please!!!
You
know the routine, just click it.
This page isn't hosted by geocities. Geocities can suck my dic.