Letters to the Webmaster
(That'd be me, kids)
3/12/99

Dear Webmaster-
I wanted to write you about your grandfather's letters that you've been posting.  This is one of the best things I've seen online. It's a spectacular tribute to your grandpa and an interesting glimpse into a man's life from long ago (at least long ago by my perspective). Fascinating. 
-Mat Honan

I forwarded your email to my grandfather at mydeadgrandpa@heaven.com, but oddly enough, it was returned saying, "address not available". This was a bit disconcerting. I have also tried Hell, Purgatory and AOL, but received the same response. So, I'll say "thanks" for him. Thanks. (I think that's how he would have said it.)

Dear Webmaster-
why is Juliette Lewis so hot for an ugly person?
-DD

Beer goggles.

Dear Webmaster-
would you be willing to die for your beliefs?  If so which ones? 
Joseph Hendricks

Yes. The one that tells me that dying for my beliefs just isn't worth it.

Dear Webmaster
just discovered you today and you are the best .. I was going to say "thing since" something ... but couldn't think of the last thing that I discovered that made me laugh and think quite so much .. Eddie Izzard's humour came close ... but not that close .... and all this from one brain, on one website .... awwwww  ... love it ... please, please don't stop. So addictive ... you should come with a (positive) health warning ... this site seriously enhances your life (and workday) ... I could gush further ... but you get the gist .. keep it up!
-Luce

The little lizard says, "poop."

Dear Webmaster-
I popped in and read your "Thoughts thunk..." update.  As you have many times before, you slammed southerners.  On a personal note, I was born in Baton Rouge, Louisiana, and have lived there my whole life.  I am currently a senior in Marketing at LSU and work for a market research firm.  As you know, Louisiana is about as far south as you can go in the United States, and we certainly aren't short on our supply of corrupt politicians and slack-jawed yokels. Listen to what you're saying here.  If I may paraphrase,

No, you may not. *Paraphrasing deleted*

It sounds kinda hypocritical when reworded this way, but isn't it pretty much exactly what you're trying to say?

I dunno, I deleted it.

I do not think blacks are 'bad.'  I do not think women are 'bitches.'  In fact, I have most often heard the "woman=bitch" philosophy incorporated in rap songs, predominantly performed by black artists from outside of "the southern half of the United States."

Does that mean you think blacks are bad, women are bitches, or blacks just pick up really bad women?

There ARE blacks who are 'bad,' and there ARE women who are 'bitches,' just as there ARE southerners who are 'idiots.'  But by generalizing a characteristic of one member of a group to every member in that group, you will find that you will be wrong about more of the members than you will be right about. I am not interested in having you print this letter on your site and pick it apart. 

Oops.

You see Alex, everybody THINKS they're open-minded.

Aren't you generalizing here? Excuse me if I'm mistaken, but using your argument, wouldn't you be wrong about more members than you will be right about?

The most dangerous people, in my opinion, are those who see close-mindedness in others, but fail to recognize it in themselves. 

Like Rambo.

I don't claim to be any better than you in this respect -- I'm sure I have similar failures of which I am unaware. 

Do you mean that you see close-mindedness in me, but fail to recognize it in yourself?

But I'm just another Southern idiot.
-Elliot

What I think it boils down to is the fact that some people can't laugh at themselves. From the emails I receive on a regular basis, I find these people to be, A.) Headbangers, B.) Skinheads, C.) Southern Folk, and D.) The entire nation of France. Of course there are tons of people in each of these groups, with the exception of France, who don't live up to the stereotypes, and have a GREAT sense of humor, but sadly, they're not the ones who stick out like an erection during a baptism. Fortunately, they're the ones who are smart enough to realize that when somebody makes a "dumb blonde" joke, they're not actually saying all blondes are dumb.

Dear Webmaster-
After reading "Dissecting a Headbanger", I went back and perused the "crappy glam bands" update.  I happen to enjoy Bon Jovi.  Strangely enough, I found myself laughing - even at the Bon Jovi cracks!  Wow!  How in the name of fuck did THAT happen?  Christ!  Oh, yeah. I know what it was. I managed to have a sense of humor about it.

Keep up the wonderful work, and keep feeling free to tear the absolute shit out of anything and everything you want to in order to make us all laugh.  That's the fun of satire, of cynicism, of jaded writings.  The world is so full of stupidity and senselessness, you just HAVE to step back once in a while and say, "wow.  Jesus.  There's a lot of scary, horrible, pointless stuff happening in our world today.  Maybe I ought to find a way to cope with it by finding humor in the sheer shit of it all.  That ought to help me deal with the pain and senselessness."

Well, either that, or you can proudly show off the product of the firings of your approximately twenty-five working neurons by calling people "fuckers" and offering the suggestion that they "die" if they make fun of....God forbid....your favorite band.

Keep up the good work.
- Nick Dunn

See, Elliot, Nick has a sense of humor about himself. Now, as for "Rasslin the Skinhead" down below, how could I not make fun of somebody like him?

Dear Webmaster-
If u think u r such an intellectual, then why do u care so much if somebody wants to be a skinhead or not? If u want to be a peice of shit, no one is gonna bug ya......if i want to be a skin then fuck off and dont bug us.....im sorry if a skin in the past has brutally kicked the shit outta u....it'll probably happen again so dont worry...c ya around buckaroo
-RasslinD0J@aol.com

First of all, Kojak, I never said I cared whether or not somebody is a skinhead. One year ago I shaved my head bald, just for the hell of it. I simply made a satirical update which slammed Nazi skinheads, not bald people in general. I've never had a "skin" brutally kick the shit outta me in the past, but I did see one running around in circles claiming to be Captain Picard. That was kinda funny.

Dear Webmaster-
I have never enjoyed anything as much as reading your magazine (website?).  I have just recently gotten on the net and have been searching around to find all there is.  I am bookmarking and telling all of my friends about it.  I just read about your run in with the 'morons' and the insane wench that wrote you dirty e-mails.  That is funny beyond belief. I hope your site is here for a long time to come.  Great works, I hope there will be more.
-Mike McDonnel

As long as there are "morons" and "insane wenches" sending me dirty emails, there will be a site. But, to be on the safe side, you might want to order a Juicy Cerebellum T-shirt. Click here to see how. That was pretty obvious, wasn't it?

Dear Webmaster-
Enjoyed your spam update & agree with it. Got any ideas how I can keep my provider off my back??  *grin*
-Perry Scott

I've found that if I wear less revealing attire, it helps.

Dear Webmaster-
I was wondering if you knew where I can find a email list.  I want to spam but I am havin troule getting started and as stated in your page, your is the only page I can find that may be abel (or willing) to help.
-David GRaham

Can I assume you're not going to be SPAMMING people with "Learn How To Type In Three Easy Steps", or similar literature?

Dear Webmaster-
i also am for spam can you send me a spam program

-Nehal

Sure, let me grab a copy from my warehouse. I'll have one of the monkeys that just flew out of my butt fly it over.

Dear Webmaster-
Thank you for your interest in Hustler.

We consider information about the addresses and telephone numbers of 'Beaver Hunt" models to be proprietary.  Please stop emailing us about it.

-Larry Flynt

How embarrassing . . .

Hey! Reading other people's mail makes me feel all dirty inside, and I kinda like it. Send me to The Ultimate Letter Archive!

You got something important to say (or something completely stupid)? Send email to: alex@juicycerebellum.com

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Back to the mind-map.


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