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Letters to the Webmaster:
The "Someone-I-Love-Just-Died" Edition
7/20/00
The funeral had been delayed until Monday due to a lot of things that are not going to be mentioned here. I know you Juicy junkies don't want to go TOO long without an update, so I am letting you addicts take the stage, and do most of the writing. Don't bitch and moan about me being too silent in this edition of the "Letters to the Webmaster", because I am not going to attempt to be the typical, scathing bastard that I usually am (although I will probably get close, anyway). I am just going to print a few of the emails I have received in regards to the last 2 updates I posted, and am going to reply to the letters I feel need a response. I know it's been like 6 months since the last "letters" update, and a lot of your emails are being ignored, but there are plenty of things that are a lot worse than that that could have happened to you. I have friends to comfort, eulogies to write, and friends that I need to comfort me. A few letters is the best I can do, at this time. If you don't like it, you can lick my dick.
Emails I have received in regards to my "X-Men" review:
Dear Webmaster-
What is all this super-hero junk you subscribe to? The movie ended in the
middle. It left its audience without a clue. Why would a movie end
in the middle? Why would you support a movie that does?
-Brian
I don't "subscribe" to anything, other than the Totally Juicy Newsletter, which I write. Why do I "support" a movie that ends in "the middle?" Because a comic book NEVER ends at the end. I'm sorry the X-Men didn't live up to your "Batman" type fantasies, by killing off all of the bad guys and conveniently tying up all of the loose ends. That's not how it works in the 2-D world, and that isn't how it should work on a film, if the film is trying to be faithful to the comic book universe. The X-Men ends just where it should: right at the beginning - there's a lot more to come.
Dear Webmaster-
It was wonderfully written. My only complaint is that they didn't use
Nightcrawler since he's my favorite. And funny you should mention how long
they have been talking about making this into a movie. My brother
remembers rumors floating around about the X-men being made into a movie in his
freshmen year in college which was in 1980.
-Cameron
1980 is the year I started collecting the comic. I have no idea why I felt the need to tell you that. Now I feel like I'm super old.
Dear Webmaster-
I completely agree with you on the X-Men movie review - I have a library of 5
movies - The Princess Bride, Aladdin, The Prince of Egypt, Iron Man and
Matrix. I plan on expanding my library by 20% and adding the X-Men movie
to my collection when it comes out. Even my wife liked it!
-JH
At least we know someone is getting laid.
Emails I have received in regards to the I Like update:
Dear Webmaster-
I Like...
That update. It's the best one you have done in your 4 years of writing on
the JC. I believe that it is the most honest & personal update that
has ever come out of that juicy, squishy, dripping, cynical cerebellum of yours!
Your updates I believe are always honest, but this one exposes a side of you
that has not been revealed very much. It is a measure of your talent.
I always enjoy reading your updates, but I especially like this one. The
heartfelt honesty in this update jumped out at me, and made me think of all the
things I like. Quite a few were included on your list. Thanks for
helping me take the time out to appreciate how many positive things I have in my
life. The fact that at only 25 I have 2 wonderful boys, a loving &
supportive wife, a happy family, a fabulous meal waiting when I get home from
work, my own house, and my wife is able to stay at home and take care of my kids
on my paltry income of only $30,000 (Canadian) per year helped me put into
perspective the $4,000.00 in car repairs I was just hit with, the 2 months of
bounced condo fees, the week of lost pay for putting up an ad in my company's
cafeteria, the bounced car payment and the canceling of my credit card. (with a
$6,000.00 balance which is now due in full) All of the problems can't take
away my happy family. Sure they can wreck my credit rating, and take away
my house and car, but I still have my boys, who love me more than anything, and
my wife, who is absolutely devoted to me, really cool in-laws, and a very
supportive mother and sister. In other words, you cheered my up today.
Thank you for that. You've made my day...
-Joel
I feel like Clint Eastwood.
Dear Webmaster-
hey man...that update...the shit you like...thanks. sorry...i dont think im
complete sentences when im moved.
-Cowchip78
Dear Webmaster-
The "I Like" update rules! All the little things are the
coolest! I like this update!
-aig
Dear Webmaster-
"I like" your entire update. I like that you'd probably let your woman,
or the woman you're with, cry at a movie or on your shoulder and not think she's
weak or weird. I like that you put so much thought into your update and that
you're open enough to talk about lots of stuff. And, last, but not least, I do
love licking whipped cream with strawberries off my lady's tits until she does
reach an orgasm.
-Drum
I think this guy is super horny.
Hey! Reading other people's mail makes me feel all dirty inside, and I kinda like it. Send me to The Ultimate Letter Archive!
Wanna write to Alex? Got something important to say (or something completely stupid)? Send email to: alex@juicycerebellum.com