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Letters to the Webmaster:
Cerebellum Born Again!
8/16/00

I had a gigantic introduction written to this, explaining everything, but I think everything gets explained in these letters and my responses.  I received over 200 emails in response to the "end" of The Juicy Cerebellum.  Sometimes I think people really don't give a shit what they got 'til it's gone.  Have fun! 

Dear Webmaster-
Sorry you feel that way...  I DID try giving you some feedback once, just to provoke a thoughtful response, only to find it ignored.  Sure, I could set up a page either denouncing you or praising you, but why bother?  That would be as impersonal as a non-response to feedback!  If you want feedback, try answering letters in something besides your
website.  Anyway, good luck in the future;  I'm sure you're not a quitter.
-Thomas

I respond to EVERY email ever sent to this page.  Your email was only sent to me 2 weeks ago.  In the last 2 weeks I've gone through a court case, a death and one nasty fucking hemorrhoid.  If my response didn't come as fast as you wanted it to, blame rich corporate movie theater owners, God, Firestone Tires and Preparation-H.   

Dear Webmaster-
After reading your update for Jamie, which was beautiful I thought Shawn is lucky to have a brilliant poet like you in times of trouble, and I had tears in my eyes.  Then I had a weird vision in my mind.  Alex Sandell is FAT?!?
-Tina

AAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHH!  I knew this was coming.  If you read the update, you will see that the last time I saw Jamie was a year ago.  When I saw her, I was pretty chunky.  Since that time I have lost all of the excess weight.  As of now; Alex Sandell is not fat.  I have, for your viewing pleasure, uploaded, FOR THE FIRST TIME EVER, a couple of pictures of me to show you what I looked like THEN (in my fat period) and NOW.  So, click here for Fat Alex.  

Dear Webmaster-
Thanks for the hours and hours of stuff to read. Thanks for the hours and hours of effort put into the pages. Thanks for laying yourself on the line, hoping no one stomps on you. Thanks for stomping on us, occasionally. Thanks for the times when, momentarily, we felt like we were better than everyone. Thanks for making us feel like less of a person sometimes. Thanks for the laughs. Thanks for the time when we had to stop ourselves from tearing. Thanks for being a fucking genius at times. Thanks for being a total idiot at other times. Thanks for The Juicy Cerebellum. It'll be missed, man.
-Water Melon Sugar

Now I'm starting to feel like I'm at my own funeral.  This is weird.  Like having the best sex of your life turn out to be nothing more than accidentally bumping your cock into the roast your mom's thawing for dinner. 

Dear Webmaster-
does this mean the return of the jubilant cerebellum?
-Michael

This guy knows me far too well.  My plan was to actually update The Jubilant Cerebellum for the next couple of weeks, and then go back to Juicy.  Then you guys went all crazy and believed me when I said I was never updating again, even though I put another update up immediately after saying it, and left the "Alex Sandell for President:  Coming Soon" thing online, so you would know I was venting, but not actually LEAVING.  Did I mention I have a bridge I could sell ya?

Dear Webmaster-
I know I haven't been a very faithful Juicy reader.  I read your updates asking for money and things, and I thought
about sending money, but when it comes down to it, i guess i am just cheap.  i have no control over my money and I spend it like water.  i can't help it.  i wish I had sent you some money.  I know it wouldn't have helped anything, but it would have been a little something.  but what am I?  i'm nothing.  i'm just one fan who was just as stupid, lazy, and cheap as the rest.  i respect you though.  you are an awesome writer, and I want to be like you.  minus all the foul
language.  i wish you well in the future.  God willing, you will go on to write best selling novels or something along that nature.  I loved the JC and I am sorry to see it go.  It was the one of the first pages I hit every time I got online.  I know you put a lot of work into it, and now I feel so cheap for not contributing.  I guess in the back of my mind I was thinking "well, i'm sure other people are contributing.  why should I?" 
-Mike

I think that's what a lot of people keep thinking.  At least that's what my empty PO Box tells me.  Well, if you're not thinking that anymore, the address is still:  

Alex Sandell
PO Box 331
Alexandria, MN 56308

Dear Webmaster-
don't feel bad about the lack of response you've gotten from your updates.  Whether people respond or not, at least you know people are reading it.  However, I do find it kind of absurd that you would only get one e-mail, especially from an update like Jamie's.  I'll be sorry to see your site go.  I personally think you're one of the greatest writers around.
-Jason

My penis got soggy when the fat lady passed gas.

Dear Webmaster-
I just recently came across this great hole on the internet that could keep my amused for hours.  i"m sorry it has to end.  I think you are great... from what i know anyway.  sorry i couldn't contribute... i have pictures.... but i'm under 18 so isnt that shitty???   I'm also very broke.  I have 2 dollars in my pocket... and if you were still doing this... you'd have my two dollars.  Anytime you decide to start up another juicy page or anything please please contact me!  Sorry i'll miss you.. really i will
-Kat

I have about a million people named "Kat" that visit my page, but I can never get quite enough "Pussies."

Dear Webmaster-
It's weird to find out you're not skinny.  Even if you are fat as hell, I would come fuck you if you'd keep your page online.
-Lisa

Oh, come on now, this is just getting ridiculous.  You owe me a screw.

Dear Webmaster-
That's whack! (referring to the close of the page)... What about the few of us who did give a couple bucks (I sent you $50 if you remember), the few of us who do write emails saying "sorry about your loss" (another thing I did write to you a couple days/weeks ago, even if it was your best friends sister and not YOUR sister like I mistakenly wrote), and
the few of us who have been around with your sorry ass for a while? Now I can understand Fuck the majority of you... but "Fuck all of you" is fuckin' harsh man! I sincerely apologize about the loss of a friend. I can imagine how tough that must be, but to let something as big as your website be ruined like that.
-AIG

This email made me feel really guilty.  I didn't think people would believe that I was taking down the page.  I still shouldn't have written the "fuck all of you" line, and I apologize for it.  That's the one line I regret.  I was venting, and I put it online before thinking it through.  I would never take back an update, but I sure wish I could take away that remark.  I hereby swear that I will never say anything stupid, personal or embarrassing that I will come to regret, on this page, ever again.  Did I tell you guys that I had my first  premature ejaculation ever the last time I had sex?  It was so embarrassing.  It was the first time I made love to this woman, and I had gone on and on about how I can go as long as she wants me to.  Then I stick it in, and cum about one minute later.  Hoping to cover up my "technical error," I started jumping around, pretending that I was possessed by a gorilla, and that is why I ejaculated so fast . . . gorillas aren't known to have much control.  I pretty much thought I pulled it off until I sobered up the next morning.  She really hasn't looked at me quite the same ever since.

Dear Webmaster-
I saw your added update about ending the Cerebellum.  I can understand that too.  After the way so many of us have screwed you, or not as the case may be.  And if that is your final choice I think that it's a valid choice, not that you need validity from your readers.  But I also feel that it will be a great loss to tons of people.  I'm not preaching for you to keep the Cerebellum.  I merely wanted to state my feelings.  I still think you're a genius Alex.
-Mel

That can be remedied.  Read the "gorilla" story above.  

Dear Webmaster-
I didn't write enough, and I apologize for that, and I understand how hard it is for you to feel unappreciated. I don't expect a "hey thanks" from you, I totally agree with the "Fuck all of you" approach that you have taken. However, I have decided that I owe you for the last few years. I'm not rich, but I'm not poor either. Name the amount that it will
take to get you to keep up the JC, and you'll get it. Try to be realistic, as I said, I'm not rich. I can send some now and some later, but I hate the thought of not having my fucked up cerebellum to check out every day. Hell, I'll write you letters daily either ripping up your stories or praising them, whichever I happen to be that day. The only problem I had
was that you put a few pics on the front page that I couldn't check at work, so that cut my JC time way down because my boss saw a few of them. Once again, I emphasize that I am not asking you to change anything, and I wouldn't blame you if you didn't even answer this. But I know I owe you for the entertainment you've given me over the last few years, and I want to contribute. Hell, I'll send some even if you don't go back up.
-Will

Dear Webmaster-
YOU'RE FUCKING FAT?????????????
-Shauna

I notice it's only girls that are bothered by this.  Once more, for the record:  I'M NOT FAT.  I WAS FAT A YEAR AGO, AND EVEN THEN I COULDN'T MAKE THE COVER OF THE GUINNESS BOOK OF WORLD RECORDS!  I AM NOT FAT!  (Unless you have a thing for fat men.)  I suppose it could be arranged.  Anyone got a Big Mac?

Dear Webmaster-
your new updates are horrible....thanks for punishing us all.....i suppose now we'll all realize how selfish we've been.....i hope someday you return from lah lah happy shiny lollypop land....okay, there, criticism...at least you received some right?
-Frooples

That wasn't very "constructive," kid.  I wasn't even told what you don't like about the "new" updates, and which updates are considered "new."  (Being that you liked the update I wrote only 2 days ago, this whole "new" thing has me a bit confused.)  Now, let me lower myself down to your level: I can guarantee my new updates are better than anything you've ever written in your sorry, pathetic, tragedy of a life.  There, criticism...at least you received some, right?  

Dear Webmaster-
i am one of those people who reads your page everyday and doesnt e-mail or send money, and i dont want Juicy to leave. i dont have any money to give you. the best i could do is send you some candy and some crappy cds i have wich i dont think is good enough to make you change your mind but at least i tried.
-Ben

I've never asked anyone to send anything if they couldn't afford to.  All my "bitchy" update was asking for was feedback.  Sending it is free.  Candy is fun, though.  It will help me get fat, again, so 1. Shauna will have sex with me and 2. I can suffocate "Frooples" with my gargantuan buttocks.

Dear Webmaster-
I feel bad. I suppose it's too late to be sending this. But whatever. I don't suppose that I have any chance of changing your mind so I would like to bid you farewell. And thank you, thank you for all the updates you've made, thank you for opening my eyes again to the things that "I Like", but have forgotten about. I'd like to thank you for helping me to have some more emotions again, good or bad. I'd like to thank you for making me laugh, you write some seriously funny shit and I really enjoy reading it.
-Oscar

That was an awesome letter.  Thanks.

Dear Webmaster- 
I hope this isn't the last...With the internet now inhabited by the horrible greedy, the horribly stupid and the horribly tyrannical you were a point of light.

that will have gone out...
-Pleasure Seeker

Hey, not according to "Frooples."  Don't forget poor "Frooples."  She was FORCED to come here, against her will, and read those "new" updates she didn't like.  

Dear Webmaster-
FUCK!!   I guess it's too late to complain.
-Thomas

I've learned only two things during my lifetime, the first is:  It's NEVER too late to complain.

Dear Webmaster-
Please don't stop doing the Cerebellum. Please! Please!! Please!!!  for the amount of times I visited your page,
the few paragraphs I sent you were a pretty damn excuse for feedback - especially as you actually ask - sometimes plead - for us to e-mail you about each update.  I suppose the declining number of responses is indicative of a lethargic generation, wanting personal pleasure and entertainment without doing anything for it.

I blame Eminem.
-Elliot

The second would have to be:  When in doubt, blame Eminem.  

Dear Webmaster-
You will undoubtedly get a million letters asking you to keep the Cerebellum going - I'm going to advise you to do the opposite, if my advice is worth anything (which it isn't, I'm sure).

I've been going to the JC since the middle of '98, and saw all that you put into it.  If the return is so meager, and the update-thirsty hordes so taxing, then you should quit.  You deserve more for your work than you are getting from your readers (This includes me, for damn sure - I've never done anything as a repayment).
-Adam

Great . . . now you tell me.

Hey! Reading other people's mail makes me feel all dirty inside, and I kinda like it. Send me to The Ultimate Letter Archive!

Wanna write to Alex?  Got something important to say (or something completely stupid)? Send email to: alex@juicycerebellum.com

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