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Letters to the Webmaster:
Tomb Raider, Atlantis and Shrek, oh my!
6/18/01

You can't say I didn't warn ya!

Dear Webmaster,
As always your review for Tomb Raider was the best ever wrote.  As a fan of the game I was too stupid to listen to your advice and paid my $7.50 to see it.  I was so sad when I left the theater that I attempted to kill myself but couldn't because I was with my boyfriend and he noticed that I was slitting my wrist.  That pile of shit movie was everything you said it was!  Horrible!  Next time I'll listen to you even if I love the game a movie is based on!  Do you know the only movie I've ever disagreed with you on is in your review for Babe 2?  I thought it was a pile of pigshit even though you loved it.  That's a good track-record you have here.  Better than any other stupid rich critic who won't admit they enjoy good movies like The Mummy Returns that you admitted in your Mummy Returns review that at least that you enjoyed.  
-Jenny

Tomb Raider did suck, but killing yourself seems a little extreme.  Maybe just drive behind a truck with a "Warning:  Heavy Load" sign, and take your chances.  

Dear Webmaster,
Thanks to your review, I refused to pay admission to see Tomb Raider.  I have an undying need to see every summer blockbuster so I had a friend let me in through the exit door.  All I can say is THANK YOU THANK YOU THANK YOU!  I'm so glad I didn't pay for this pile of crap!  The plot made NO sense!  Angelina Jolie sucked big dick and made me mad that it wasn't rated NC-17 so she could suck big dick (if you know what I mean).  I left the theater at least 20 minutes before the end.  This movie isn't even worth it for free.  I would have no trouble saying Tomb Raider is the worst movie ever created.
-Bob

Obviously you have yet to see The English Patient.  You should have your friend steal it for you someday.

Dear Webmaster,
I respect your opinion of the film, but you should at least get the facts straight.  While Michael Colleary and Mike Werb did in fact turn in a draft of Tomb Raider, they are not the ones responsible for the mess you see on the screen.  Their draft was scrapped in favor of bringing back the original writers, and one which West himself claims he pretty much reworked.  So much so that he in fact has applied to the WGA for shared screenplay credit.  Pretty much every article about the film has mentioned this, and if you had taken the time to do the research, you surely would have noticed this as well.

So I only ask that you not slag writers who are not responsible.  BTW, I also noticed that of all the films you listed of Colleary's, you conveniently forgot to mention Face/Off, a film he co-wrote with Werb, which is an excellent piece of summertime action fare.  Of course, acknowledging this would undermine your case, so I can see why you chose to be selective in your listing of credits.

Again, totally respect your opinion, but please take the time to do your research and get the facts straight before dragging undeserving people through the mud. 
-Ethan

I wouldn't bother dragging anyone through the mud, if they didn't voluntarily jump into it, roll around, and squeal for more, like the cash-loving swine that they are.  If Michael Colleary and Mike Werb turned in a draft of Tomb Raider that wasn't shown on the screen, the two should have removed their names from the credits.  Accusing me of not having my facts straight, when anyone beside the blind would see Michael Colleary and Mike Werb, credited as Tomb Raider screenwriters, is similar to a Nazi who says Americans have it all wrong, when they accuse him of war crimes, being that it was Hitler who "pretty much came up with the idea."  BTW, Face/Off was a pile of crap made mediocre by John Woo's excellent directing.

Dear Webmaster,
Enjoyed your review of "Tomb Raider." Boy was that ever a stinker! But if you think Jolie's breasts aren't the real deal, I'm afraid you don't know much about breasts, my friend, or about Angelina Jolie. Rent "Gia" some time and you'll see those are, without question, 100% bona fide natural 36Ds.
-Rob

You know you've got a bad film when that's the best a person can come up with to justify its existence.  Telling me I don't know much about breasts insults not only me, but all of my ancestors, and my deceased dog.  How dare you insult my knowledge of the fuckable, suckable boob?!?  If you can prove Angelina Jolie's bouncing rubber balls were the "real deal" in Tomb Raider, I'll shut down this page, impale myself on a large spike in town square, and wear a sign across my chest reading, "Horny Idiot!".  Then I'll allow the citizens of the town to poke at me with sticks, and say, "freaky moron dork-head" repeatedly, as I rot.  After that, I will amaze people who notice I am growing a beard, after death.  Many people will say, "the freaky moron dork-head is dead, he cannot grow a beard," but they will call in a corpse expert who will say, "no, that is normal.  Deceased individuals will continue growing hair and fingernails for a long period of time."  He will be considered a genius, and people will say, "YAY!"  Then they will poke me with sticks, again.

Dear Webmaster,
I didn't bother reading your Tomb Raider review, and just looked at the rating because I saw how badly you mauled it in a section. Is it really that bad, or did you have a sharp metal object (maybe a studio executives nose) pointed at your butt?
-JJ

It's really that bad.  A sharp metal object pointed at my butt, even UP my butt, would have been far more pleasant than enduring the film.

Dear Webmaster,
The best Tomb Raider review ever!  Your review is hilarious and worthy of recognition from anyone who reads it. Thank you and I can't agree with you more!!!
-Christine

Thank you.  Did I mention that, although I may be a semi-okay critic, I'm even better at sex?  I can also pretend to enjoy blowjobs, even if they suck.  Get it?  "Suck?"

Dear Webmaster,
I just wanted to let you know that your Tomb Raider review was right on the money!  I was really disappointed by this movie. The script belongs in the toilet! and don't forget to flush! That techno music during action scenes did nothing else but annoy me. The plot was so unfinished I left the movie theatre wondering If I had seen some sort of incomplete version of the real thing. I am not sure a sequel will be able save this franchise. although a sequel can't be worse than this?....... could it?
-Frank

Yes.  The fact that "director" Simon West was still employed, after crap like Con Air, and able to sucker Paramount out of 100 million dollars, shows me that Hollywood has honestly lost touch with America.  This small, inbred, isolated hole in the country has spiraled so far down the incredible barrel of derivative hype, that they can no longer differentiate between Citizen Kane and Caddy Shack II.  They figure that, if they slap a big name on the celluloid hook, the public will bite, no matter how bad the worm tastes.  Unfortunately for them, America is starting to adapt, and we're beginning to spit the crap back at Hollywood before they can hook us.  We saw this earlier this summer with the dorky film, Pearl Harbor.  Its opening didn't meet expectations, and its weekly take has fallen faster than one of the CGI bombs featured in the film.  A few weeks before that, Hollywood cast out the Nike product placement, A Knight's Tale, hoping we'd take the bait, but the movie was such a financial disaster, it's probably playing on Dinner and a Movie by now.  With those two duds out of the way, Hollywood has baited the hook once again, with Tomb Raider, hoping we'll grab onto opening weekend, and let them drag us through three or four big weeks.  Sucks that most Americans couldn't resist the colorful ads, and gave the freaks behind Tomb Raider the gigantic opening weekend they so strongly desired.  Unfortunately, for the big men in Hollywood, at least, the film will die in its second week (I predict a 45-52% drop).  It opened big, because gamers wouldn't miss it, and the ads made it look sorta okay, but once people see that they've been baited, they'll spit out the hook, swim away, and never look back.  Tomb Raider is a one-weekend-wonder.  If I'm wrong, I'll eat my words, along with the pauses between them.  This film will go down faster than Marlon Brando's sex-symbol status.  If there IS ever a sequel, it will be made for video, starring Shannon Doherty as Lara, and Carrot Top as her romantic interest.

Dear Webmaster,
Tomb Raider review.  ROFL!
-David

I am glad you ROFL.  It makes me feel complete.

Dear Webmaster,
1. Who in the world is Alex Sandell?

I ask myself that every night.  The mirror doesn't respond, but it does note that I'm getting fatter.

2. Why does he think he has the right to go blabbing about telling Tomb Raider fans everywhere around the world not to go see it when they're completely loyal to Lara.

If you're an insane fanatic, so loyal to a computer game, that even if the movie sucks, you will still pretend to enjoy it, I'm proud of you.  Freaks of nature always make the average among us feel slightly superior.  One day, when you feel a real boob, please remember, it's not Lara Croft's, and you should watch where you're walking, to avoid a similar incident.

3. Who is he to think that just because he didn't like it, no one else will?

I never said that nobody else would like it.  I only gave my opinion.  Being that nobody else HAS liked it, my opinion is definitely in the majority, but if you like totally lame movies, more power to ya, bub!

4. How does he know anything? Is he some sort of a critic who loves to offend
fans everywhere? 

Only if the fans are so weak-willed that one (of hundreds) of reviews saying that the Tomb Raider movie is a GIGANTIC PILE OF SHIT, makes the critic somehow omnipotent.  (No, that sentence didn't really make much sense to me, either.)

Telling things he only thinks are true?

I KNOW the things I said are true.  I have not met one person who liked this film.  It is universally hated.  If you want to pretend you like it, because you get a hard-on over rubber tits, that's your prerogative.  You're still a fucking dumb-ass who wrote to me before you ever even saw the movie, telling me that I'm wrong in my opinion.

I'd like to know why you do this. 

Because my computer chair broke, and I was in a bad mood.

I hope you can realize that you saying this stuff, won't make it true.

I hope you realize that the stuff I'm saying being true makes it a fact.

I also hope your not offended by this. 

I could give a shit less.  You used the wrong form of "you're."

And please, don't get infuriated.

I'm not even slightly upset.

I'm just another Tomb Raider fan wanting only to believe that everything a critic says is true, but only if it's good.  

What an open mind you have.

I'm just another Tomb Raider fan looking for truth and justice in anyone unloyal to Tomb Raider.

Now you're starting to scare me.  Get a fucking life.

Dear Webmaster,
I THINK THAT YOU ARE THE WORST PERSON IN THE WORLD AND YOU DESGRACE MY NAME
DREW AND I HATE YOU , ANGELINA JOLIE IS A GOOD  ACTRESS AND YOU PROBALLY HAVE A FAKE DICK.
-Jean

Ever think of buying a spellchecker?  If you used it regularly, you might look like a literate idiot.

To Atlantis and Back!

Dear Webmaster,
I am very pleased you liked Atlantis.  As a character animator on the film I was offended over your criticism of the animation in your review of the film [Atlantis:  The Lost Empire].  This is the second Disney film I have worked on (first being Hunchback of Notre Dame) with Gary Trousdale and Kirk Wise and this was in no way "generic".  We worked harder on this film than we did on Hunchback and I think that our effort has produced what may be the most stunningly beautiful animation to hit the big screen.  You claim that due to Disney cutbacks we weren't able to bring Gary Trousdale and Kirk Wise's "vision" to life which is absolutely untrue.  Trousdale and Wise had a vision to put a living comic book on the screen.  In particular they wanted the look of the characters to be true to a series of graphic novels called "Hellboy".  They incorporated Hellboy creator Mike Mignola's artistic style into a beautifully rendered 3-D world.  This was their vision and I feel that the animators brought it to life perfectly.  If you look at a Hellboy comic you will see how similar the style is.  If the style is not to your liking feel free to let the world know, but don't call something "generic" only because it isn't pleasing to your eye. I thought I would clear that up with you and I thank you for your (mostly) kind words about Atlantis
-Shawn

Being that your return email address didn't work, I have no way to know if you actually worked on Atlantis, or not, so, for argument's sake, I'll assume that you did.  I have looked at a couple of Hellboy comics, since reading your email, and can see that Atlantis:  The Lost Empire, was, indeed, very faithful to the look of those books.  This still doesn't explain the almost bleached look of the backgrounds.  Although I have changed my mind about the actual animation, I haven't changed my mind about the coloring of the movie:  it was bland, almost white-washed.  The style Trousdale and Wise chose to incorporate was a big departure from traditional Disney animation, and I'm sure I will grow to appreciate it, and possibly even consider it an equal to the animation in earlier Walt Disney films.  I did state, in my review, that the action scenes were, "oddly beautiful," so I didn't find the animation in the film to be a total failure.  I actually thought that the Star Wars like battle toward the end of the film was one of the most stunning pieces of animation that I've ever seen.  I will definitely go back to Atlantis (that sounds sort of weird), and will probably enjoy it far more, now that I know what to expect, stylistically.  

Dear Webmaster,
I went to the Sunday manatee of Atlantis and thought it was the best animated film since The Iron Giant which was another cartoon I went to because of your review of The Iron Giant.  I thought Atlantis and The Iron Giant had a lot in common.  No stupid songs and dumb animal sidekicks and lots of action and good jokes and even those *Alex edited this part of the email because it gives away the ending of Atlantis:  The Lost Empire* were very much the same.  They both were rated pg and they were both made for adults and not for children.  I think I like The Iron Giant a little bit better but only because it is my favorite movie of all time.  I am writing to thank you for introducing me to two films that I loved that I would not of seen if you didn't recommend them in your reviews.  They are both in my top 5 movies of all time and it's all thanks to you!  Thanks!!!
-Matt

Your letter was so nice, that I can't bring myself to say anything smart-ass about it.  I do want to ask, though, what a "Sunday manatee" is, and where I can find one.  I always thought a manatee would be a cool pet, even if I did only get him on weekends.

Dear Webmaster,
I loved your critique of Atlantis The Lost Empire but it bugged me that you put that ":" there when it isn't actually in the title. 
-Gary

People and their unjust hatred of colons.  It never ends.

Dear Webmaster,
Your review of Atlantis: The Lost Empire was the best you've ever written!  You're getting better with every review and are turning into a really good critic.  I actually look forward to your reviews now more than I do the reviews from Siskel and Ebert.
-Kirsten

If you're looking forward to reviews from Gene Siskel, you're going to be looking for an awfully long time.

Dear Webmaster,
Congrats on all the great reviews you've done lately!  Loved your review for Tomb Raider and Atlantis and thought your review for Shrek was ok.  2 out of 3 ain't bad!!!  Your review for Tomb Raider was the funniest damn thing I've read in my fuckin' life!  I was gonna go see it but decided to not after your review!  It couldn't be better than your review anyways so what's the point?  That's $10.00 you stole away from those greedy Hollywood fucks!!!  That's not why I'm writing tho!  You wrote a review for Shrek and Atlantis and you gave them both an 8 and you both loved certain parts of both of them and hated certain parts of both of them.  I can't tell which one you liked better.  Shrek is the best cartoon (are they still cartoons?) ever made and I need to know that you like Shrek better than Atlantis because your taste is too good to like Atlantis better!  I haven't seen Atlantis because I think it would make me feel bad about cartoons and I don't want to wreck the feeling Shrek gave me even though I think Atlantis would be good.  I know you liked them both an 8 but I need to hear you liked Shrek better than Atlantis!  That's all I'm asking!  If you like Atlantis better than Shrek I will kill myself!!!!!!  Which do you like better???
-Rick

Atlantis.  Is it just me, or does it seem like I'm inadvertently causing a lot of movie-related suicides, as of late?

Hey! Reading other people's mail makes me feel all dirty inside, and I kinda like it. Send me to The Ultimate Letter Archive!

Wanna write to Alex?  Got something important to say (or something completely stupid)? Send email to: alex@juicycerebellum.com

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