email04.gif (25189 bytes) I fucking mean it!  Press that "email" graphic and send me some damn mail!

I wasn't able to finish this entire update all at once.  It's only about half done, and I figured the ADD people would never get to the end, if I posted it all at once, anyway.  Therefore, I've divided it into two parts.  Part 2 will be up either Saturday, Sunday or Monday.  

Index of what lies ahead in this twisted update:

*Republican 101
*Weekend at Buffy's (being a dweeb can be fun)
*A World Without Hooters
*Sappy poems and other neat shit
*Heir Lieberman and his Hatred of the Arts
*The Fast and the Furious and its Retarded Fans
*The Mummy Returns . . . again
*Timothy McVeigh and more unjustified killings
*The Nutty Christians and Rednecks Strike Back
*The Most Idiotic Letter Ever

Republican 101

Dear Webmaster,
That "republican 101" update kicked much ass. then again, its easy to be funny when there are so many fucking morons giving you so much great material.
-CoW

Actually, it's pretty hard to be funny, because knowing there are so many fucking morons out there can drag a person down.  Thank God for heroin and whores.

Dear Webmaster,
Your Republican 101 article had me laughing my head off until I realized that it should really be making me cry.  There is nothing funny about Republican rhetoric.  Your update was hilarious but the source is so flippin' depressing.  These peckers are destroying our planet and everyone buys into their rhetoric.
-Monte

That's exactly the point I was trying to make up above.  I'm sorry about your depression.  Have you tried shooting up heroin, and/or boning a whore?  Clean needles and safe cunts are hard to get a hold of, thanks to Republicans preventing the dispersal of needles, and keeping prostitution illegal in most states, being that they must like AIDS, or something, but if you can get a clean slut and a nice syringe, I highly recommend shooting up and sticking it in!  Don't bother shooting the heroin into your arm; that's boring.  I prefer working the needle into my most recent puffy hemorrhoid, letting the whore lick the blood that squirts out (they usually request an additional $50.00 for this service).  As the whore laps up the butt-blood like the dog that she is, use the opportunity to sniff a whole bunch of glue and drink a fifth of Nyquil.  By the time you're done, Republican Rhetoric almost makes sense.  Almost.

Dear Webmaster,
That Republican 101 update was good.  Excellent, really.  How long did that take you?  Don't think I am just trying to butter you up either, I really mean it.  

I swear.

Before I start to patronize you I think I should stop with this letter.
-Fredericks

It took me a while.  I don't like butter, unless it's on popcorn, and I only eat popcorn if I've sniffed too much cocaine.  For some reason, cocaine gives me a craving for butter.  The minimum-wage workers at movie theater concession stands freak out, when I come up to them, all hyper and shit.  "GIVE ME EXTRA BUTTER WITH THAT!" I scream, eyes bugging out of my head like Rodney Dangerfield's.  I swear, too.  It has gotten me into trouble numerous times.  Some people just won't stand for foul language, the bastards.  Patronize me all you want, I'll still be the insecure little coke addict that you've grown to know and love.

Weekend at Buffy's (being a dweeb can be fun)

Dear Webmaster,
I have watched Buffy from day one and I must say your weekend at buffy thing was amazing. That was some of the funniest shit i have read in a while. Why cant all buffy fan fic be this good? Cant wait for part two. I could actually see this whole thing in my mind. I did picture the Xena women kinda looking like Glory though. Oh well.
-Ethan

Most people visiting this site don't know anything about Buffy, in particular, who Glory is.  Taking their feelings into account, and knowing that a long response regarding Buffy would confuse, and possibly bore them, I will not respond to your Glory comment, except to say that the point of the Xena woman was to have her sound like Glory.  I wanted to go against the typical Buffy typecast.  All the sort of ditzy evil people on the show are blonde.  I thought a big, brunette Amazon bitch acting the same ditzy way, would show the world that not only blonde females are idiots, but females, in general, and by revealing this, I thought that I may possibly alter the course of reality, forever.  Unless, that is, TPTB jump in and decide to change reality all back to the way that it was.  I'm still wondering what role Faith will have in next season's Buffy, if any.  Will she now be exclusively on Angel?  Last we saw of her it was in a jail cell.  Do you wonder if next year's Big Bad will be Doc?  It sure seemed like they were setting it up that way.  Do you think the Scooby Gang will be able to handle themselves without Giles as their mentor?  With Anthony Stewart Head moving back to England, doing a BBC spin-off, and becoming a recurring character, rather than a star, it seems that the gang have lost all parental type figures.  Joyce died last year, which sucked.  So, now, is Buffy like sorta the "mother figure" of the group?  That would be weird, since she's dead.  But Dawn needs someone to be all parental-like around her.  Could it be Willow and Tara?  I think a pair of lesbians could make good parents, especially if they encourage a three-way.  Speaking of which, do you think Dawn is still the key? Would that make a three-way between Willow, Tara and Dawn that much better?  If so, how?  

Dear Webmaster,
This is my first time writing to you so please don't be cruel if i say something stupid. I just thought that you might like to know that I think that you are so cool. I accidentally came across your site when i was searching for an opinion on juveniles being tried in adult court, why it showed up on the results i don't know but I am thankful. I have to be honest though the thing that make me attracted to your site was weekend at buffy's when I saw the title i figured hey cool something funny about buffy (buffy is one of my favorite shows) anyway I thought that I would let you know that I greatly admire your work, and please keep it comin cause i have never laughed so hard in ages. Oh and by the way your tombraider slam was not only honest as hell but hey boy you should be the next siskel and ebert.
-Jen

I thank you for everything you said, but I do feel the need to point out something that most people don't seem to be aware of:  SISKEL IS DEAD!  If I was the next Siskel and Ebert, I'd either be a gigantic blob of egotistical lard or a corpse.  Neither of those ideas really appeal to me.  You found my site looking for Juveniles being tried in adult court?  Seems appropriate enough.  Fucking adult courts trying juveniles.  Like we all didn't do something crazy, like gunning down our favorite teacher, back when we were in junior high.  How quickly one forgets.

Dear Webmaster,
I'm speechless here [over your Weekend at Buffy's update].  My favorite bit of dialogue:

BUFFY
(lays flat on her face, still dead)

Second fav:

LEATHER-CLAD DEMON
Hellooo?  It's been done. Enough
with the Shakespeare, tiny-goons!

Nice job.  Thanks for the laugh.
-Tara

I'm speechless here.  My favorite bit of dialogue:  "My favorite bit of dialogue."  Second fav:  "Nice job.  Thanks for the laugh."

Dear Webmaster,
I just thought I'd send you a quick message to congratulate you on a really well written and unbelievably funny script (Weekend At Buffy's part two).
-Ro$$

Dear Webmaster,
WHERE THE FUCK IS WEEKEND AT BUFFY'S PART 3?  ARE YOU EVEN GOING TO WRITE IT?
-Hue

It's already written . . . twice over.  I'm still debating which version is better, and which one is less likely to get me sued.  Hopefully it will be up within the next week.  If not, I'm guessing it will be online within the next 35 years.  Speaking of which, have you ever cut yourself with a razor and then wondered why you cut yourself with a razor?  My ex-girlfriend did that a lot.  She was diagnosed as a Manic-Depressive Schizophrenic.  Sucks for her.

A World Without Hooters

Dear Webmaster,
You used to have craploads of topless women on the page.  Will you please start putting up topless women again?  I'm horny!
-HP Packard

Sappy poems and other neat shit

Dear Webmaster,
i was reading the poetry on your site and i must say some of it is incredible, also im sure you hear it alot so itcoming from me probably doesnt sound like much(just another mindless reader). I canfeel some of things you write and some i cannot, iwish i could, however i cant, but i think you are an excellent poet, very talented and i feel honored readingit.
-Todd Marsh

Thanks, bud.  It does "sound like much" coming from you.  I really appreciate your email.  You aren't a "mindless" reader, but you might want to invest in a Caps Lock key, and possibly a spacebar.

Dear Webmaster,
Hey, I really like your Anne Frank poem.  I'm still in  the midst of reading your other poetry. Also, I love the rest of your site....
-Laura

One time, back in '97 or '98, I had up a whole other poetry section for the girl who I thought was the love of my life, and her poetry really sucked, but I lied to her and told her that I thought it was good, and I put it on The Juicy Cerebellum, and everyone wrote in saying it was really rank, but I faked emails to her that said how much people liked it, and then she felt all proud, then we broke up, and I took it all down, because it was total junk.  I never told her that people hated her poems, because she was so proud of them, and she loved the emails I forged, and sent to her.  We had sex almost daily, regardless.  Do you think that's possibly why Anne Frank is dead?

Heir Lieberman and his Hatred of the Arts

Dear Webmaster,
After reading your update on Senator Lieberman, I sent him a little hate-mail.   I don't normally do that, but he is such a little prick. Oh well, I'm SURE he will be reading my comment soon and be responding back to me in a
timely manner.
-Heather

Oh, of course.  He's a public censor servant.  The Government is us.  I'm sure he gets back to all of the letters people send him; especially those that call him on his shit. 

Dear Webmaster,
I used that link in your Lieberman update and I sent him three emails and I've waited but there's been no response back and I'm in the same state as he is!
-Reese

Insanity?

Dear Webmaster,
Lieberman is a bastard, and I want my senator to know that.  How do I contact Michigan's senators?  I already wrote a letter to Lieberman himself, and he didn't respond, but I doubt it was enough to change his mind.  Are there any groups in protest against this?  I mean official groups?  You should make a petition on the 'bellum, I bet you could get a lot of support.  Anyways, please send me info ASAP, I wanna get these letters out soon.  Thanks.
-Battle Cattle

Go to www.senate.gov and simply select your state.  Contact information for both of your Senators will be there.  Make sure you send them a copy of your letter through the REGULAR mail.  They never respond to, or even read, emails, unless they're really bored, and/or drunk (of if it's sent by a sexy young intern they're thinking about murdering).  Also, make it seem like you have a lot of money.  Don't directly say, "I have a lot of money," but say something like, "I was on my Yacht watching CNN through my satellite dish and saw Joe Lieberman's terrible Media Marketing Accountability Act, and think it's nothing but censorship!  As soon as I got back on dry land, I wrote you this letter with the golden quill Prince Charles gave my wife and I as an anniversary present, and had my maid send it off the very next morning, right after she served me my normal breakfast of bran muffins and Caviar!"  

Your petition idea isn't a bad one, although it's pretty hard to get Cerebellum readers off of their asses to do something hard like type their name.  Is anyone interested in this?  Email me if you are.  If I get enough responses, I'll start the official Totally Juicy Anti-Lieberman petition!  It'll be better than sex with a fat nun in the Pope mobile! 

The Fast and The Furious and its Retarded Fans

Dear Webmaster,
first of all, i also saw the fast and the furious and read your Fast and Furious review, as well as many of the films you mentioned. now before you go writing me off as another vin diesel groupie, let me make my point. gone in sixty seconds was lame because it wasn't character driven. anyone could have played the parts in that peice of junk. tomb raider was an action film. why is it okay for arnold to go around busting up cyborgs but when a women finally does it, it's stupid? lastly, i'd like to say that you need to lighten up!! every thing doesn't have to be deep and meaningful. drag that stick out of your ass and have some fun for christsakes!!!!!!!!!!
-Diesel Gurl

Your nick alone should have revealed what a total mindless blob of twat-stench you truly are.  First of all, I hate most of Arnold's movie (read my review of End of Days, for an example of this).  I don't care if a woman has fake tits or a man has fake muscles, the results are the same:  if they are going to run around spouting foolish one-liners in idiotic plots, with horrible direction, I'm not going to give them a good review, even if they could beat me up with their super (artificial) boobs.  Anyone could have played the parts in Gone in Sixty Seconds?  Does that mean that the Tomb Raider, herself, Angelina Jolie, who was also in that winner, could have been easily replaced?  If so, I agree, but at least the acting was semi-decent; three dicks above the acting in The Fast and the Furious.  You are trying to claim the actors in The Fast and the Furious are not interchangeable?  The acting was crap, and you liking it is the biggest laugh I've had since receiving the email below.  Oh, and about that stick in my ass, I think you should look a lot harder.  The only stick up anyone's ass is the one shoved in your dainty puckered starfish.  I don't care if people's opinions are different than mine, and I NEVER write an email to a critic venting over what a bastard they are for giving an honest critique, even if said critique differs from mine.  The funny thing is, I didn't even give The Fast and The Furious all that bad of a review.  

Dear Webmaster,
Who are you to put your opinions on the internet for the world to see? You're even more pathetic than I thought you were!! You fucking gave "Iron Giant" a 10 and Vin Diesel was in it. Do you want a fucking doggy buscuit?! Fuck off, you punk-ass bitch! If you can't take the heat then get out of the goddamned kitchen!!
-Diesel Gurl

I guess, a more appropriate ending to your letter would have been, "if I can't take shitty movies, get on the 'net and write about them!"  I can't believe my review bothered you enough to write me TWO emails about it.  I gave the movie a 4.  It's not like a 4 is all that bad.  It's 4 times better than what I'd rate either of your pathetic letters.

Dear Webmaster,
personally, you seem to me like a total ass hole. A person with a small dick, and just sits in his house and writes totaly bogus info on an awesome movie, while his wife gets fucked by some make whore who can actually pleasure her. Just because your the type of guy who is a pussy, and picks out purple shades for his house windows, and gets cut off in
traffic by someone who can drive, doesn't mean you have to bash a movie, you obviously know nothing about. Its not jerry's fault that my 9 year old brother can kick your ass now is it. How about you try and direct, even act there ass fuck. I bet you fucking suck. All i have to say is that was a great movie, and MILLIONS of people love it. Personally i
think your crap.
-Justin Avignone

How about you try to write, and spell, and use proper grammar, or at least learn that the more you say, the more naive, and hostile, you sound?  Guess what?  I don't care if "MILLIONS" of people love it.  Millions of people also loved Jaws:  The Revenge.  You think "your" is crap?  I'll pass the message along to him.

Dear Webmaster,
One more fucking slame on cares movies and II'll fucking rip your fucking pballs off if you have any and shove them up your assshole like the faggit you are!
-Steve

And people wonder why I tend to dislike motorheads.  And by the way, Steve, please don't "slame" me, it makes me feel really bad.  And I'd prefer my "pballs" stay right where they are.  Finally, last time I checked, I wasn't a "faggit."  

The Mummy Returns . . . Again

Dear Webmaster,
I'd have to agree with you on that this movie is most definitely an indiana jones ripoff (minus the ophidiophobia) and yes it was a good ripoff, but I believe The Mummy (1999) was a better film. The Mummy Returns was a good film and I would go see it again, i just wouldnt pay the $12.25 can (yes I realize thats like $3.00 us) id prolly go to one of those "3 movies for 5 bucks" slum movie houses. Great review.
-Paddy O'Brien

See?  You can disagree on a review and not go shit crazy about it and send in aggressive, threatening letters because your opinion on a movie didn't quite gel with mine.  Thanks for the email.  My penis is limp right now, but if a girl was sucking on it, it would grow big in her mouth and then I would ejaculate.  After that, I would hold her mouth shut, forcing her to swallow, because my sperm is too damn good to spit out.

Timothy McVeigh and more unjustified killings

Dear Webmaster,
I just read your update about Timothy McVeigh's execution, and I just wanted to say that it was very well put-together, and I agree with you one-hundred percent.  There is something terribly terribly wrong with the way the death penalty is carried out in America, and it's nice to be reminded that you Americans aren't all bloodthirsty savages bent on irrational revenge.  Here in Canada, capital punishment was abolished in the 70's after a long moratorium.  Hopefully, the United States will come to its senses soon as well.
-Domina

The United States keeps seeming like it's getting closer to a moratorium, but then idiots like Mara, and her henchman of a sister, who has a thing against people with disabilities - - both from New Jersey - - go off on their medieval bloodlust, and screw everything up.  Stupid psychotic wenches from New Jersey.  

Dear Webmaster,
I couldnt agree with your McVeigh update more. I am against the death penalty. I am against it because it solves nothing. Those people still lost their lifes, the families still feel the pain. It does nothing. All that happens now is you add one more body to the number of people who died that april day. McVeigh didnt tell those people they were gonna die that day. the courts told him 4 years ago when he would die.  I just want to say that maybe the way the fbi screwed up will lead to the end of capital punishment. Tim was guilty, but how many on death row aren't?
-John Luke

A lot.  The fact that so many people believe that if you're on death row, you're guilty, is what is fucking the American Justice system all to hell.  DNA evidence has proven that tons of death row inmates are innocent.  These are people who spent years in prison, and were ready to be murdered by the state.  Yes, McVeigh was most likely guilty of killing hundreds of people, but so is Ronald McDonald, and I don't see us doing much about that.  The death penalty is obsolete.  Anyone that supports it, in this day and age, is barbaric, and should go back to the stone age, where they belong.  Don't ever try to convince Mara and her henchman of a sister of that, though, because they're from New Jersey, have obnoxious accents, and think their shit doesn't stink.  

The Nutty Christians and Rednecks Strike Back

Dear Webmaster,
With as short as life is, I feel bad when I waste even the smallest amount of my God-given time. 

Well, then I'd recommend not spending anymore of that time in a useless place like church.

The few minutes that I spent looking for something useful, humourous, 

"Humourous" is correctly spelled, "humorous."  Being that the Bible is anything but humorous, I can see where you'd be confused.

witty or even in the slightest bit worthwhile on your website could have been spent perhaps scraping the squashed mulberries from the treads of my shoes or picking the lint from my neighbors navel.  And for that I feel bad.  I wasted my time.

And you waste even more time writing to me.  What a typical hypocritical pile of vengeful shit hiding under the guise of being a "man of God" you are.

Bud, life is too short to be spent criticizing others when you certainly seem to have major issues of your own to deal with. 
Spend so much time in the betterment of yourself that you have none left to criticize others. 

It would be nice if you followed your own example.  Simply leave my page, work on your own problems, and DON'T EMAIL ME AGAIN!  (Unless you want to be posted on this page again.  Next time, I give your name, address and phone number.  Wouldn't that be fun?  Think of all the Juicy fans you could convert.)

I see this recurring theme plastered around your website correlating liberalism (no longer vogue, mind you) 

I could give a shit less what is "vogue."  Unlike you fake Christians, I care about what is MORAL.

along side of your disdane

Did you mean disdain?  

for, and bad-mouthing of Chrisianity.

I always love how you Christians can NEVER spell "Christianity."  

Jesus should have taught elementary school.

If you had a bitter situation in your past which brought this venom about, you ought to let go of it and get on with your life. There is help for you and today is never too late.

Too late for what?  For all I know, you could be talking about menstrual cramps.

I am sure you are probably cursing under your breath (or so loud that your neighbors can hear you) because
the last thing you want to read is a letter from anyone like me. 

I LOVE letters from people like you.  Gives me something to laugh at.  

Well, you took a few minutes of my time and I would like these few of yours in return.

Isn't revenge a sin?

I wish you the best and I promise to pray for you today.
-Scruffy Dog

And I'll continually ask Satan to send you to Hell.  I guess we're even.  Dipshit.

Dear Webmaster,
I read your page about the 10 things you hate about Jews.....

To tell you the truth..."I judged the book by its cover" and my judgement was right....It sucked....you pigass sucking fucked up....you have a problem with people who fly Confederate Flags?? Sounds like your the one who also is
judging a book by its cover...

Here is a question for you... What does the Confederate flag mean to you?? Racism????  you stupid fuck. I for one Am not no racist...I fly a Flag in my yard, on my truck, and on my boat. I am damn sure proud to fly it. I have no problem with no one except punkasses like you. Who look at the Confederate Flag as a racist symbol.

If you want to respond to this e-mail....please feel free...if not shut the hell up..
-Joe

First off, I would like to point out that I DID respond, in a civil manner, to Joe's email, but he never sent back a response.  Probably too busy bleaching his KKK outfit.  Secondly, wouldn't we all like to believe people like Joe are no longer in existence?  Look, bub, as I'm sure you know, a lot of blacks take offense to the Confederate flag as much as Jews take offense to the Swastika.  I'm sure this concept evades your simplistic mind, but it really is true.  If you fly that pile of SHIT in your yard, on your truck, and on your boat, and if you're damn proud to fly it, I have one thing to say to you:  give me your address and I'll be damn proud to pop the tires in your truck, and put sugar in your engine, rip that racist pile of shit flag out of your yard, and burn one of two things on your boat:  the boat itself, or the slavery flag it displays.  You are an offensive pile of backwoods shit that doesn't know what equality means, and you make me sick.  By the way, being that you are so judgmental, learn how to spell the word "judgment."  Oh, and  you lost the war, moron.  The North won.  Please take a moment to acknowledge this, and then get over it.  Thanks.

The Most Idiotic Letter Ever

Dear Webmaster,
anyways i was reading your manifesto thing and it was funny.  uhh.... oh yeah i haven't been in a  while and i am gonan try to start reading more. your site, that is.        uhhh........i had more to say....oh yeah i remember when i e'mails you you said i sold out just cuz i didn't wanna live just like you (i.e. in the back aof a fucking car or something) and yiou have sold out cuz you are old!!! hahahah!!!i  amd only 16!! wooohoooo!!!!  oh yeah o got this congress-bunderstag thing and crongress is payinjg my way to germany for 11 months!!! yipeee!!! weellll... congress and the host family .  my parents are giveing spending money.  )they ahve to). shit.  this letter looks like it has  a lot of errors... but i don't care! got to hell.  hey look i am aol man: ;) hahahhahhah.!!! i have mindzpring...ahahahah!!!  what!>? dring more rum>>/?  oK!!! HAHAHAHAHa i am funnier that alex sandel, you!! i win mother fucker!!! wooohooo!!!
-Ultraling

A person sells out because they're old (and since when is someone in his twenties old?), stuck to their ideals, and aren't sucking up to their parents, and the Government, to go over to Germany?  The fact that an illiterate fuck like you can be a transfer student is EXACTLY what's wrong with this world.  

I think this would be a good place to close. 

Hey! Reading other people's mail makes me feel all dirty inside, and I kinda like it. Send me to The Ultimate Letter Archive!

Wanna write to Alex?  Got something important to say (or something completely stupid)? Send email to:
alex@juicycerebellum.com

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