Where old letters start decomposing

Letters to the Webmaster Archive II
(Where old letters start decomposing)

Dear Webmaster-
i just gotta know... do you have a whole bunch of people come to your
page? because it is great. just wondering.
-DRifTeR

It depends on whether or not you count the epileptics, and people named DRifTeR.

Dear Webmaster-
I think you should be the next "Super Juicy Topless Girl." Of course you might have to change the name.
-Some person

"Super Hairy Scrawny chest?"

Dear Webmaster-
I liked your remarks on the wonder that is Tegretol. While I was on it I was apparently sleeping 14 hours a day, plus suffering from massive mood swings - mostly sudden anger and depression. I say
'apparently' because that entire 6 months of my life is a blank in my memory - a side-effect 'They' neglected to mention. Hmm.
-Nicky

"They" forget to mention a LOT of things. "They" think "They" can get away with doing this. "They" should be shot. Oh . . . am I being hostile? It must be the Tegretol.

Dear Webmaster-
Like, I was watching that show with Donald Duck's nephews in it. They had this elephant trying to cross this rope bridge. As I sat there watching it, I thought to myself, "as if that bridge can support that fucking elephant!"

It was then that I realized I was watching a show with talking ducks.
-Wesley

This email made me think of when you have diarrhea for over two months, and you just keep wiping, and wiping, and wiping . . . that's weird.

Dear Webmaster-
And people wonder why I like alice in wonderland.
-Kate

Dear Webmaster-
You are insane. Good plan.
-Anonymous

But it's only the first step. Wait 'til I put a dildo on the moon.

Dear Webmaster-
oh thank-you! thank-you! thank-you!!! Loved the up-dates!!!
-Jane

No problem, glad you liked 'em.

Dear Webmaster-
Just a thought, oh My Lord, and God Gil (I can call you Gil, right?), that if I'm going to be in charge of the weapons for the G.G., shouldn't my name be an email link so as people can get in touch with me and find out what kind of arms we are going to need to fight off the Evil Ones on the foretold night of the final stand? I shall, of course, defer to Your wisdom on this before spreading the word, although I think I should point out that a few S.A.M.s would be sorely needed, and a 50 cal. would be of great use to us. Fully auto, or course.
-Seer 666

Did you know that I have a friend with the last name, "Otto?" It's funny, cuz I used to think you spelled it "Autto," which was actually closer to the "automobile" version of the word.

Dear Webmaster-
Ur website is totally awesome. I love it, man. It's good to see that there are other freaks out there that feel the same way that I do. Anyway, I have been looking for a site on the web like yours for years! And I finally found one . . . sheesh, it almost makes me want to go out and well . . . beat up some defenseless animals in sheer JOY!!!
-Blue Cola

Are you sure that's only "cola" you're drinking?

Dear Webmaster-
I just spent the last half hour catching up on your older stuff (i.e.
school daze reports). I would like to see some of the shit that got you
in trouble like the poems, which I know you've already posted, and the
ddodles. Let me know.
-Steve

What the fuck is a "ddodle?"

Dear Webmaster-
Thats a bummer about you becoming a midget. But look at it on the
bright side, now you can walk up to women and be directly across form their
crotches. I think I'd eat baking soda and breathe toxic fumes for that.
With or without the Star Wars action figure.
-Troy

I think that's funny how women's crotches are all stinky, and stuff, but still we like them. That's probably because of hormones, or something.

Dear Webmaster-
the topless girl thing is cool.
-your bored servant

Thanks. Did you notice she's topless?

Dear Webmaster-
Damnit! Why do you have to be so fucking good?!? I want people to send me
topless pictures too!
-Mr. Bill

I think it's my breath.

Dear Webmaster-
Wow, topless girls are cool! There I was thinking you were using
stock porno pics, but then there was that sign! Amazing! Where did you
find a girl to do that?
-Chris

Lucas created her. She's a robot.

Dear Webmaster-
I am Super Juicy Topless Girl!!! Awesome story Alex! I can't believe I'm slightly naked on the web! I hope the response is good and you get lots more juicy topless girls to send in their photos. C-Ya!
-Sidney!

Hey, wait a minute here, I thought you were a robot.

Dear Webmaster-
Wow, really sorry about the Midget thing . . . But hey, at least you got
some free toys.
-Adam

Yeah, but it was Lando.

Dear Webmaster-
Bitter late nights are so hard sometimes.
-that girl

Odd you should mention that, because oftentimes, I find myself hard on bitter late nights.

Dear Webmaster-
Please update the ex-files. They haven't been updated in a while.
-Catt

Okay.

Dear Webmaster-
What's a harem????? You said "maybe he just wanted a harem" at the end of my
ex-files story, and I was wondering what that is.
-Melissa

Something I wish that I had.

Dear Webmaster-
I was looking through your page, and I thought I'd let you know I think you're awesome.
-Melissa

But do you feel the same way about eskimos?

Dear Webmaster-
Wow. i've realized there really is a form of a god. you. and i guess if
you e-mailed me back, it'd be like getting a hand typed bible scripture
from the writer himself.
-dinkus in crushed velvet

Poop.

Dear Webmaster-
So what's been wrong lately? Are you still going to update the page?
Juicy has helped keep me laughing through a horrible summer and fall.
Thank you.
-vixie

You're welcome.

Dear Webmaster-
My response to your earlier e-mail had something to do with the fact that i bleached my hair on Saturday throwing a gigantic monkey wrench into the entire question of my nerdhood/godhood... oh well, gotta go write a column not as good as "101 people who suck"...
-Rev. Norb

Oops, I put that letter in here by . . . uh . . . accident. No, it had NOTHING to do with the fact that Norb says he's going to write a column that's not as good as something I wrote. Nope. I wouldn't print his personal letter to me, just because he's totally famous, and everyone in the world knows who he is.

Dear Webmaster-
What kind of music are you into? I noticed you knew who Rev. Norb was.
A lot of people don't where I live. No offense to Rev. Norb.
-Josh

Crap . . . don't I feel stupid?

Dear Webmaster-
hey, i wanna join your cult. i am not easily brainwashed, but i'll
pretend, damnit. i'll move away instantly, kill myself quicker, and am
totally naive (i think). please tell me there isn't a hundred dollar
charge to join, like in the church of satan (not that i would know!),
because i can't afford that.
-nk

No, the only rule is that you have to capitalize your "I"s.

Dear Webmaster-
Put this fucking letter on your page. Your webpage is funnier than when two dogs hump, and they both realize they're male.
-Josh

Or when you write an email to a page, and realize it isn't funny. Actually, if you get a mental image going, it is sort of funny, so I guess you're saved.

Dear Webmaster-
I just wanted to drop you a note to let you know how much I enjoyed your
web page. I stumbled upon basically by accident, but enjoyed everything
so far. It is refreshing to see someone be honest about themselves,
good or bad.

I think every guy can relate at least somewhat to the ex-fiancee
thing. I think most of us have been there, we just don't have the balls
to admit it. Nice to know that you're not alone...
-Rob

Or am I . . . ? (Add "Twilight Zone" music here.)

Dear Webmaster-
You really gotta get over your ex (I'll call her Linda since you didn't
provide a name). much much much much worst things have been done to me
by your kind (men) and I live on without complaining.
-Linda

Uh . . . you never called her Linda. Are you my ex? Weeeeeeeird.

Dear Webmaster-
Yes, the majority of people I've met are idiots...maybe while they're out
getting those free lobotomies (I hear they give them out at school, that's
why all those people are always getting passes to go to the nurse's
office...) someone will make a mistake with a scalpel and cut into a few
major arteries. Now that would be a useful thing for tax money to be spent
on...
-Jenni

I think a useful thing for tax money to be spent on is farts.

Dear Webmaster-
I think your page is the best page that's ever been made in the history of pages. I can't believe you're that funny that you can do updates everyday. Why aren't you rich yet?
-Luke

Because not enough people have taken my advice and sent in letters to the president insisting that I get famous.

Dear Webmaster-
Would you be interested in writing for a movie? I love your work, and think you're great. I'm actually suprised somebody hasn't snatched you up yet.
-Trevor

Boy . . . you really know how to keep a guy hangin'.

Dear Webmaster-
If I'd known that the meaning of life was tampons, I would have killed myself years ago. Thanks for telling me . . . now I can die!
-Austin

No problem.

Dear Webmaster-
Chapter 56 took you a long time to write (I don't believe your
explanation, we both know you were busy skipping timelines) but it was
well worth the wait! The suspense! The dog! The peanuts! Looking forward
to chapter 57.
-Carsten

Hey . . . when you do daily updates, some letters can start looking a little outdated. Give me a break, here.

Dear Webmaster-
I gotta tell ya that you're cool.
-Jenn

Why?

Dear Webmaster-
Sorry, I am fresh out of naked people.
-Skimzuk

We all have that happen, ocassionally.

Dear Webmaster-
Juicy! This site is hilarious. Usually it sucks to have insomnia and be surfing the net at 5:00a.m., but at least this time I found a cool site and had a few laughs! Although the neighbors might be wondering just what is so funny that someone would be alone, sitting in the dark at 5:00a.m., and laughing out loud hysterically, but I'll let their feeble little minds work overtime on that one. Keep up the great work.

Greetings from Florida. (not a member of the Florida GOP, just not)
-DJ

There's cool people in Florida? Jeez, maybe I should look back into that, "tall people in Munchkin Land" thing.

Dear Webmaster-
Your site is the best on the web, which makes you ultra-cool. Although it has crushed my dreams of having the coolest site, I can live life knowing that The Juicy Cerebellum is here. Keep up the good work, and who knows, maybe someday Regis and Kathy Lee will invite you to be on their show. I
think something like that should be on pay-per view.
-Troy 1

Yes, that way I could be naked.

Dear Webmaster-
I once had a dog, and I named him Skippy. Have you ever noticed that women with big boobs always try to cover them up with an extra shirt that they keep pulling over in an attempt to cover them up so people don't see them? If I had big boobs, I'd do that too, but only to have an excuse to play with them. Why is it that the last few sips of beer always taste the worst? And have you ever noticed that people who don't have anything to say usually say the most because they never shut up and they just keep talking to the point where you reach boredom and are tempted to punch them in the face in an effort to get them to be quiet so your ears don't fall off? I do.
-Troy 2

Why would wearing a sweater make you play with your boobs, more?

Dear Webmaster-
I like your page (so far of what I've seen, my ISP is running too slow for me to look at too much of it now). I saw "What really goes through the telemarketer's mind", or whatever. So, being both insane and a telemarketer (is that redundant?), I decided to take a look. TOO funny. I'll have to mail the link to my other telemarketer friends.
-Melissa

Oh great, now I'll have who-knows-how-many future abortions on my conscience.

Dear Webmaster-
You're a strange fellow. It must be part of your charm.
-Rev. Norb

You're a famous rock singer. It must be why I have an erection.

Dear Webmaster-
About the ongoing "Dead Dogs Don't Roll Over" thing...I'm kind-of a newcomer to the Juicy Cerebellum, and if i want to read your additions to the online novel, then I have to read all of the other chapters for the new ones to make any sense....thats a lot of reading, and due to my own laziness, i don't think i can do that. WHAT SHOULD I DO???? I'm losing sleep over this....
-Anonymous

Drink lots of coffee, and stay up all night. Well, then I guess you'd still be losing sleep over this. I have no idea. Write to Ann Landers.

Dear Webmaster-
I have no idea who you are, but I would do ya.
-hopefully a girl

I do know who I am, and I have no idea why.

Dear Webmaster-
You have been hurt in the past but, that would all end with me. I am sweet and sincere, just want to give you all my love, and spend nights out with you. I would never hurt you, because I am too sweet. I
think we would be perfect...we could even think of new ideas for this page together!! I LIVE here. But I have to admit, I come here for you! I just hope that someday we could get together. :) If you think that there is a possible chance that you would want to accept all my love, and spend romantic evenings together...and be together always. Because when I say "I do" it is forever and you are mine and no one will have you.
-Anonymous

Uh . . . we might wanna start with your name.

Dear Webmaster-
i think you're brave to put that stuff on jodi made me e-mail you bye
-Anonymous

i have no idea what you're talking about jodi made me say that bye

Dear Webmaster-
The EX-Files update really tugged the ol' heartstrings...if there are any left. This is one issue of life where *everyone* gets to participate. It happened to me...not even a year ago, and NO I'M NOT BITTER!!! Just when you think it can't happen to you because you've hear it all, it does, and then you want to off yourself because you were so naive.

You *must* be into some good music...I think you might know what I'm referring to when I say that your ex-file story brings to mind FEAR's "Fresh Flesh". (or "Getting the Brush")

Well, I'll keep checking up on your page to see what else amuses my sick humor.

Fly low.
-ChesireBat

Fear used to make fun of the audience, and spit on them, and stuff. As an added bonus, they made really crappy music.

Dear Webmaster-
The Top Ten Most Embarrassing Moments is some of the funniest (and saddest) shit I've ever read. Heh heh!
-:)

And to think, I actually lived it! (Should I be proud of that?)

Dear Webmaster-
i found your page and it kicks ass. I'm putting a link to it on my page come check it out if you get time.
-Austin

Okay.

Dear Webmaster-
You haven't updated the Ex-files lately!!!!! Why not?? =)
-Melissa

Not enough people are sending in their stories. But, I've gotten a few, and there is going to be an update on Sunday!

Dear Webmaster-
I read your interview, and felt I had to comment. I don't think there is anything wrong with guys who RREEAALLYY like breasts. I love mine, as does my boyfriend. I have beautiful 34Ds. Actually I once, yes only once, dated a guy who was more interested in my legs than my breasts. I think he was a closet case. I have other reasons for that assumption.

Anyway breasts are great. Especially big ones. You can play with them and flop them around. You can slap yourself in the face with them. Really there is no end to the number of things you can do with breasts. Butts are nice, and I like a great butt as much as the next girl, but breasts are much more fun. If all else fails you can just suck on them.

Hope you accept that your fascination with breasts isn't what makes you strange, it's what makes you normal (Oh God, you normal?).
-e angel

My ultimate dream would be to see "Star Wars" reenacted, exclusively by big-breasted females, running all over the place, with lightsabers, and gigantic knockers - saving us from the Feminist Empire.

Dear Webmaster-
Your Connection to XXX U.S.A. & European Beautiful Live Sexy Girls!!!
*Live Girl Sex Shows!!!
*Free Membership!!!
*Free Pictures of Porn Stars!!
*Adult Chatroom!!
*REAL LIVE SEX!!! MUST SEE TO BELIEVE THIS SHOW!!

You must be 21 or older.
-Anonymous

Oops . . . I don't think that was meant for here.

Dear Webmaster-
I went to the new update today. I was just wondering if you WANTED the HELL logo to be stretched like that or if it was just another bug in Microcrap ShitHeap 98. Just a bit curious cuz it looks kind of weird stretched. Not that I mind. Just wondering.
-Maltego

I thought it would look cool like that, because I'm a big nerd.

Dear Webmaster-
I think there is a movie that we should see. The Wish Master, you know,
Wes Craven. It should be a pretty decent flick.
-Eric

Uh . . . uh.

Dear Webmaster-
I'm sitting in a computer lab and you're making me laugh out loud, so everyone is staring at me. But what I can't comprehend is why they aren't laughing at what they're reading on the screen, you know? They must be doing school work or something silly like that. By the way, I have a B cup.
-a student

Or maybe they're all just busy staring at your B cup.

Dear Webmaster-
Really, dude. Were you born negative or have you been working on it?
-Some smart ass

It takes years of practice.

Dear Webmaster-
You're it again..... good thing I didn't hop that plane; you weren't even around.......*L*...... catch ya later...
-Vicki

Uh, that letter made absolutely no sense.

Did you know that I have a friend with the last name, "Otto?" It's funny, cuz I used to think you spelled it "Autto," which was actually closer to the "automobile" version of the word.

Dear God-
I sat down at my computer intending to spend a few moments checking my e-mail ... basically, just to fiddle around.

Reasonably interesting, I assumed at first. Little was I to know that I would soon find Meaning. (Yes... Meaning with a capital M.)

Like most souls, I was simply drifting along, going where ever the Web took me. I began to read a little of the Gilligan's Gate material.

Considering that I live a mere 40 miles from the site where those Wacky Heaven's Gate people did their thing, I had a natural attraction to a site of this nature.

I admit I considered it to be a goof at first. But, then, I thought about things a little deeper.

Who was always there for me when I came home from school?

My parents? No. They trudged off to meaningless labor during the days of Monday-Friday.

My friends? No. They could never understand the inner turmoil with which I lived.

My sister? No. She's a little bitch.

So, who WAS there? I'll tell you a story...

In my younger years, it was Gilligan. The happy-go-lucky scamp we all saw as a friend.

In my slightly pudgy days, it was Skipper. The fat guy with a cool hat. A hero.

In my nerdy moods, the Professor, of course. The model for MacGuyver. The child of Einstein. The man Albert Schweitzer wishes he was.

In my lonely, masturab..., I mean... In my growing young STUD days of JR High & High School it was MaryAnn. The wholesome, innocent, yet subtly alluring flower of femininity.

(Always hated the Howells. Rich assholes they were. This is part of the reason I am willing to give all my worldly goods to a higher power such as yourself.)

Please excuse my ramblings...I just figured it was part of being part of a cult.

Anyway, please treat the above message as my resume.

With downcast eyes, shaking hands, and a You-fearing whisper... I say, "Please accept me as a member of 'Gilligan's Gate'"
-Me

Welcome, my son. You have now become one with Gilligan (hope you were using protection).

Dear Webmaster-
. . . And AMEN to THAT! Couldn't have said it better myself. Well done!
-Carsten

Thanks.

Dear Webmaster-
Um, I went to your page, and wow! That was really odd. Your update left me feeling a kind of...um...well, a kind of "angry/fuck you/Man! You're right" feeling...cuz...I've never seen you write like that (neither has the web page) and it's just really weird. I'm just happy you finally showed another side of you. The side that gets really pissed off and lets the world know how fucking pissed he is. COOL! Just wanted to let you know how I felt...even though you probably don't care.
-the guy that you like to ignore cuz he's a dumbass.

Could you run that by me, again? I wasn't paying attention.

Dear Webmaster-
Amen my brother! (Can I call you brother? I guess I just did so that is an irrelevant question, now isn't it?). Anyway, I think you hit it right on the head (odd choice of words-editor) with your editorial on the passing on of Princess Diana.

You are totally correct that this tragedy should not be blamed on the paparazzi. I am as sorry as the next person that this tragedy happened, provided the next person does not own the entire "Lady DI & Chuck" commemorative plate collection. I also agree that taking away freedoms (even stupid ones like the right to bear arms, for some people should not be allowed to have weapons of death & destruction when they can't even put their shoes on the right feet when they wake up in the morning), is abhorrent to say the very least, and potentially dangerous. After all, didn't the holocaust begin with the taking of freedoms from the Jewish people?

My only complaint is that your editorial is not getting the audience it deserves. I think you should send it to some major newspapers and threaten a protest of their operations if they refuse to publish it (or just call them a bunch of names and hurt their feelings). A mind like yours is wasting away on this small (yet wonderful and enlightening) homepage. Granted some Naziesque people may not agree with these opinions of yours (or the Republican party for that matter, oh wait, they are one in the same, never mind), but there are many that would. Who knows, maybe you could even open a few minds (probably not, for we know how open minded some people are in this country of "freedoms").

Anyway, I loved it, and think you should spread this around a bit.
-Bobbie

Anyone wanna see this page get a bigger audience? Well, no one is gonna do it for ya. If you wanna see this site get bigger, "accidentally" scratch the URL into a bathroom stall. "Sneeze," and let a few cards, with the homepage address written on them, fall to the floor in some high school. Write to any computer magazine you can find, and tell 'em to do a feature on, "The Juicy Cerebellum." As a matter of fact, write to ANY magazine you can find that features a section about the 'net, (and that includes almost every mag. around) and tell 'em you, a "valuable" customer, wanna see "THE JUICY CEREBELLUM" featured in an article, review, or nude layout. Thanks. I won't forget you when I'm rich and famous.

Dear Webmaster-
Dang. You really do have a point about the paparazzi or whoever the heck they are. I can't spell. I mean, sheesh, it's her own darn fault and she deserves it for not telling him to slow down and pull over. Now her 2 kids have to suffer for however many more years till they're of age. Poor things. See what 10 glasses of wine causes?
-KaTe

Not to mention, a really bad headache, the next morning.

Dear Webmaster-
What I'd really like to know is why Di and the rest of the passenger's blood alcohol levels were never released. If the driver was as drunk as they say he was then why, if not for the simple fact that they were also drunk, did they get in the car with him? And why didn't they want their pics taken, could it possibly be because they were trashed???
-Tink

Hey, ex-princesses, and rich dudes in turbans don't get trashed, they get tipsy.

Dear Webmaster-
I just gotta ask you - whereabouts are you from, how old are you, and how is it that you think so much like me? It sounds like your "ex-fiance" really crapped on you! I have a pretty cynical view of people and life in general, and it's real easy to identify with almost everything you write, with the exception of the epilepsy. I'll keep checking your pages, now that I've stumbled across them!! Later!!
-No signature

Wait a minute! Did you say, "stumble?" Are you sure you're not epileptic? You know, stumbling usually is the first sign.

Dear Webmaster-
Not all women are evil and cruel like your ex-fianc�e. If she's on Long Island I'll go beat her up for you. I'm not saying this because I want to be next. I have a boyfriend and would never dream of doing any of the horrible things she did to you to anyone. No one deserves to be treated like that. Unfortunately, it happens to both sexes far too often.

I hope you find a nice sweet girl who adores you as much as you adore her.
-e angel

Any takers? Email me at: alex@juicycerebellum.com. Weeeee! I should change the name of this site to, "The Juicy SingleBellum."

Dear Webmaster-
Dude, I hear what you're saying. Much as I'd like to say they're all as evil as that, I'd realistically have to put the figure at only about every second one.

Hope things start looking up.
-The Wog

I'd still have to go with the "9 in every 10" estimate, but I'm bitter.

Dear Webmaster-
YOU THINK YOU ARE SAFE YOU THINK YOU ARE FUNNY BUT THE OVERLORD WILL STRIKE YOU DOWN AND YOU FORGET THAT THE EVIL WILL OVERCOME AND SWALLOW THOSE WHO MOCK THE POWER OF THE OVERLORD AND THEY WILL CRY ON THEIR KNEES AND GROVEL IN THE ASHES OF THE DEAD AND WISH THEY COULD ESCAPE THE PAIN BUT THE FLAMES GET HOTTER AND YOUR CRIMES AGAINST THE OVERLORD WILL NOT BE FORGOTTEN EVEN THOUGH YOU CRY AND CRY YOU WILL BLEED AND THE FLESH WILL BE TORN FROM YOUR BONES YOU LIAR AND THIEF YOU HAVE NO RESPECT FOR THE DARK AVENGER YOU WILL PAY AND PAY FOREVER IN THE FLAMES OF TORMENT REPENT NOW TO THE OVERLORD BUT IT IS TOO LATE AND YOU FORGET AND SWALLOW THOSE WHO MOCK THE DEAD AND THE FLESH OF THE OVERLORD THE EVIL WILL OVERCOME AND SWALLOW YOU YOU WHORE YOU
WILL CRY ON YOUR KNEES AND GROVEL IN THE ASHES OF THE OVERLORD
-NO SIGNATURE

UH IS THERE ANY CHANCE HE MIGHT TEACH YOU ABOUT LOWER CASE LETTERS AND PUNCTUATION?

Dear Webmaster-
This is Mark. I think you're really cool, and it's really bad about that chick that keeps breakin' your heart. She should go to hell. Your page is cool, and never stop updating it, it's super cool and I love reading all this funny stuff. If ya ever need some help or just an ear (or like an internet e-mail thingy.) to talk to, I'm here.
-Mark

Sort of like E.T.

Dear Webmaster-
Man, you have the BEST site!!! I loved the whole thing - thank you, thank you, thank you!!!
-oogatz

Hey, I have to crap once-a-day, just like everyone else.

Dear Webmaster-
What can I say? I LOVE YOU! -- And we haven't even met.
-Elizabeth

So, who's buying the condoms?

You want your letters to start rotting, someday? Send email to: alex@juicycerebellum.com

Wow, I just can't get enough of this!!! I want more, send me to the letters to the webmaster archive PART THREE, please!!!

You know the routine, just click it.

This page isn't hosted by geocities. Geocities can suck my dick.