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The,
"He's been numbed to the violence - that's why he doesn't know it's corrupting him"
Edition of the
Letters to the Juicemaster!

I don't know why it's taking me 6 months between each Letters to the Juicemaster update.  Maybe it's because "Juicemaster" isn't really a word, and I'm embarrassed.  Whatever the reason, here's some letters from people who wrote in and my "quick and witty" responses to them.  Being that freaky ass wanna-be censors such as O'Reilly are running around whining about the violence in movies, and how it needs to be stopped, I decided to focus primarily on emails sent in regarding violent films.  Especially violent horror films.  Why?  Because, if I didn't have a "theme," I couldn't find a neat title for this update.  And I'm gonna include numerous pictures of the Jason Voorhees toy I just purchased, because some idiotic "family" group is currently offended over "dolls" being created in the likeness of fictional horror serial killers.  Not to mention, without Jason, I'd be stuck putting pretty pictures of flowers up, and that would be totally boring.  But a picture of Jason in flowers, about to impale someone, is entirely romantic.  Maybe one of the members of those "family" groups could even use it as their Valentine's Day card.  That would be so ironic, I'd chuckle heartedly until my eyeballs melted out of their sockets and turned into scrambled eggs.

Dear Juicemaster,
This is a fake email written by you, to get you back in the mood to responding to other people's emails.  So, to get your "juices" (heh) flowing, here we go:  YOU FUCKHEAD!  I'M SO PISSED IN REGARDS TO YOUR UPDATE ABOUT _____!  WHAT GIVES YOU THE RIGHT TO OFFEND THE __________ CHURCH?  HOW DARE YOU PUT DOWN THE NEW CD BY __________?!?  AFTER READING YOUR REVIEW OF __________ I NOW REALIZE YOU HAVE NO FUCKING TASTE!  HOW COULD YOU NOT LIKE THIS MOVIE?!?  YOU MUST NOT UNDERSTAND IT?  AND YOU OBVIOUSLY DIDN'T EVEN COMPREHEND THE SCOPE OF THE ENDING OF THE BRILLIANT _______________!  IF THE FILM WAS ALL VIOLENT YOU'D PROBABLY LOVE IT!  I HEARD ON THE _'______ FACTOR THAT PEOPLE LIKE YOU ARE PERVERTED ASSHOLES!!!
-Alex

Alex, although I know you're just writing a letter to me to get me ready for letters other people write me that sound like the letter I just write myself, I'd like to tell you that you misunderstood my update about _______.  I didn't mean to offend any member of the __________ church, but, even if I did, it would be my "right."  I put down the new CD by _______ because it sucked monkey erection.  Just because we disagreed over ___________ doesn't mean that I have no taste.  It just means that we didn't agree.  I did comprehend the "scope of the ending" of ____________.  I just didn't think it was "brilliant."  As far as the _'______ Factor, well, if you heard it there I can almost guarantee that it's false.  That show is so full of spin, it makes me dizzy.  And yes, I can be an ___________.  Thanks for writing, you ____-sucker! 

Okay, there, that's better.  Now I'm in the mood.  Let's read some real letters, shall we?  (UGH!  I can't believe I typed the word "shall."  Soon, I'll be working the Renaissance Festival circuit.)

Dear Juicemaster,
"It's is the most entertaining film of the summer, the best slasher flick in years, and one of the best pictures released in 2003" Holy shit, you've gotta be kidding me. Something's definitely wrong with this world. I can see you saying, "this is the coolest movie of the summer." But, "one of the best pictures released in 2003." Even Gigli was better than this [Freddy vs. Jason] POS.
-Brad W.

If you really thought Gigli was better than Freddy vs. Jason, you most likely either have A. a close personal friend named Ben Affleck or B. a thing for big butts on rich girls claiming to be "from the block."  I guess there could be a C., and you have absolutely no fucking taste, but I don't wanna go there.  Either way, please look at the nifty picture of the Jason toy that I inserted below, and drool like a canine does, when he catches his "master" eating gourmet pickled flavored potato-chips. 

Dear Juicemaster,
Alex: I am 43 years old and watched the first couple episodes of Nightmare on Elm Street and the original Friday the 13th. I went to the theatre last night to check out Freddy vs. Jason. I went to an early show and it was nearly sold out; mainly teenagers. The next show was already sold out. I thought the movie was awesome! The ending does give the possibility of a return match between these two monsters. I hope so! Thanks for being one of the few to give this movie a good review.
-Bill

Maybe the sequel to Freddy vs. Jason should be called, Freddy and Jason vs. Pretentious Critics.  That would make me giggle like a schoolgirl receiving head, for the first time. 

Dear Juicemaster,
Only a sadist would enjoy the remake of The Texas Chainsaw Massacre. Did you notice a person puts salt in someone's wounds? You're sick for giving it a good review. Even the other critics gave bad reviews saying the film was too grotesques. It's wrong that you would like it and more wrong that it made money. What do you like about watching people get tortured?
-Rich T.

I guess it's just the way they scream.  It's sort of like "aaaaaaaah!" And then they go, "eeeeeeeeee!"  And then, if they're still coherent, they go, "heeeeeeelp!"  And, when they think they found a way out, they sometimes go, "ooooh."  And if they're mentally retarded, they scream "ooga-booga" and do a series of cartwheels.

Dear Juicemaster,
Your reviews are great and they get to the point unlike some very pretentious critics I'm very glad you liked The Texas Chainsaw Massacre(2003) I liked as well and the fact it had character development.Keep up the good work(although I disagree about Scary Movie 3 but you are your own man and no one shall stop your opinions)
-J.

I was surprised over the fairly strong character development in the new Texas film.  I thought the most shocking part of the entire movie was when the girl with the tight white T-shirt found the engagement ring.  I was like, "oh no, that's really sad!"  And then I kept wondering if Leatherface would pull off his mask and reveal himself to be Hugh Grant and marry the poor girl.  Scary Movie 3 is all a matter of mood.  Most comedies are.  I could walk into it tomorrow, and hate the bulk of it.  But, even in a bad mood, I would not be able to deny the fact that some of the jokes are genuinely hilarious.

Dear Juicemaster,
the new texas chain saw massacre was by far the best horror movie made! i peed my pants i was so scared! i cant believe u only gave it a 8! ur the only critic i trust and u dont see the perfect-ness of the remake! this was the best movie ever! i wont trust u as much as i used to even tho ur still the best critic!
-Jeff S.

An "8" is really good!  The only thing better than an 8 is a 9 or a 10!  I thought the film kicked ass!  I'm shocked you doubt my credentials as a critic when it comes to horror films!  I'm one of the only guys out there looking out for guys like you!  Maybe I'm just older than you, and I've seen almost all of it before!  I have something really sarcastic to write here, but I won't, because I still appreciate the fact that I'm your favorite critic! 

Dear Juicemaster,
It's pretty hard for me to find a critic with tastes similar to mine, but you come pretty close (Alex).  I'd say we have probably about 70% affinity for our opinions, and usually I'm within 1 of your ratings. I enjoy your reviews that combine the insights and appreciations like a "professional critic" without the artsy pretentiousness that usually comes along with
it.
-Matthew P.

You summed it up better than I ever could have, unless I used the words "penis" "booby" and "fart." 

Dear Juicemaster,
Funny how your site name doesn't at all resemble your movie reviews. Only someone brain dead could recommend the mass of schlock that you do. I was wondering what type of people enjoy such films as "Freddy vs. Jason", "Charlie's Angels: Full Throttle" and last, but not least, "Bad Boys II." Quite frankly, I'm surprised one that does enjoy these pictures possesses an extended vocabulary and can coherently put the words together to make his reviews reach print - as you can.
For Christ's sake, man! Are you the only movie critic out there that doesn't feel Michael Mann should be banned from Hollywood? I have a suggestion. Please stop watching movies you are critiquing while high. Once the pretty colors go away, you may notice the movies suck. Hard.  Otherwise, I love the site! Keep it up!
-Matt D.

Freddy vs. Jason was good cheesy fun.  Anyone going into it expecting art is most likely as "brain dead" as Jason Voorhees.  Charlie's Angels:  Full Throttle gave the audience exactly what it promised - and then it added wet t-shirts.  WET FUCKING T-SHIRTS!  To paraphrase McG:  "people that hate themselves won't like Charlie's Angels."  Amen, McG.  I wasn't high while attending Bad Boys II, but it may have been the sheet of acid I sucked down and the vial of crack that I smoked before entering the theater that colored my perceptions.  Mann usually does pretty much totally suck.  It's just that, when a director throws numerous jokes regarding corpses into his film, a warm sort of feeling comes over me.  Like when I watch A Charlie Brown Christmas, or the final scene in It's a Wonderful Life.  Doesn't everyone find dead bodies life-affirming?  I'd hate to consider myself to be "abnormal."  Speaking of corpses, I think I'll include another picture of Jason Voorhees. 

Dear Juicemaster,
Hi, just a quick email from the UK to say how impressed I am with your film reviews. They are superb. Very witty and make me smile or laugh or smile and laugh. I have tried to copy your style, but just cannot do it. I've given up. You have great talent. I think you ought to be given your own TV Movie review show. Anything is possible in America, right? I have book marked your website and will visit it regularly.
-Miah

Thanks for your kind words.  I keep letting the Government know that, if I don't get my own TV movie review show, the terrorists have already won.  They just shrug it off, LIKE THEY DON'T EVEN CARE!  Stupid terrorist lovers.

Dear Juicemaster,
I read your review of NOFX's "War on Errorism" and Propagandhi's "Today's Empires..." - funny as fuck. You are a hilariously funny writer, your reviews are very fun to read, and you write honest and informative. Keep up the great fucking work.
-Richard Z.

It's always a nifty feeling to know that at least a few people read my music reviews.  I can't convince people that - even if they don't know Propagandhi from Gandhi - they'll still get a kick out of the review.  Most lemmings seem content with the latest release from Justin Timberlake, or Britney Spears.  They don't have time to read about bands that MTV doesn't force-feed them on an hourly basis.  One time, I got so mad at MTV, I broke this little television set that I used to watch TV in the kitchen while I microwaved Banquet TV Dinners.  Really I didn't do that, but I did microwave a TV Dinner, once.  In the kitchen.

Dear Juicemaster,
You are the only movie critic I trust. So many others try to pretend to be you, but they're fat fuckign failures. I thank you for doing everything you can to be honest. Foever know that you are the best movie critic alive. Do you scare other living critics?
-Glenn C.

Only if I make really weird squeaky noises while wearing a cardboard Jason mask.

Dear Juicemaster,
come on, man there's more style in [Jeepers Creepers 2] than 90 per cent of the summer releases imagine you had the task of creating a sequel in the horror genre what would you have done differently?
-Chris

To begin with, I would have made it good. 

Dear Juicemaster,
I got cerebellum atrophy too as shown in my MRI which has resulted because of lack of sleep for a couple of months as told by my doctor. Being awake all night and sleeping a couple of hours (4) during the day. Prior to your cerebellum atrophy were you up several nights just being awake or using the computer for extensive periods?
-Steve K.

My update regarding my diagnosed brain atrophy has been one of the most popular updates I've ever written.  As far as sleeping only a few hours a night, that just isn't me - I simply don't go to bed.  Every so often I fall asleep in my recliner for an hour or two, after a vigorous masturbation session.  If atrophy can really come from not sleeping, I'll make a point to masturbate even harder, in hopes of sleeping longer.  Now I'm gonna have a chaffed pecker.  Thankfully, with all this atrophy, I won't be able to recall the days when my penis was smooth and huggable.  Wanna see someone with really bad brain atrophy?  Here he is:

Dear Juicemaster,
I loved Halloween 8, I thought what you said was right about it being a good old fashioned slasher. Only disagreeable point for me was your suggestion that H7 wasn't good. I know what you mean about Kevin Williamson ripping the piss out of the horror genre by thinking he is cleverer than he actually is. Dick. My other problem with the writers of H7 and 8 is the obvious dismissal of parts 3 - 6, why? I can vaguely understand it with Part 3 but the other three films were actually not bad. I cringed in some places about the mystical aspect of 6 but even 4 and 5 were relatively scary well made films.
-Billy

I printed out a page of quotes and nailed it up on my cobweb filled wall. It was in regards to Halloween: Resurrection (8).  It includes myself and about 30 other professional critics.  I was, at the time, the only critic to give the movie a positive review.  It makes a nice framed picture, and it says, "I remain against the grain."  I was bothered by the magical poop in part 6, but it was worth it, cuz the gore was good, and the opening scene, in the barn, was pretty tense.  I remember my girlfriend made me lock all the car doors, after the film, cuz she was convinced a killer was going to enter our automobile. 

Dear Juicemaster,
I agree with your review that [Cabin Fever] was bad and was boring most of the time. The gore was good ...but i knew that dick at the end would get shot...Don't normal people live out in the woods?? It's always inbred fucks! I was pissed that i got burned at the movies. I hope the remake of TEXAS CHAINSAW is better than this shit.
-Paul

Horror movies are exactly like girlfriends:  when they are good, they are very, very good, but when they are bad they are grotesque zombies trying to seduce your best friend into a sexual relationship, in hopes of eating his brain.  Cabin Fever was overrated.  As far as the Texas Chainsaw Massacre remake, it was really good!  Not nearly as good as the original, but it did the job.

Dear Juicemaster,
Your movie reviews are excellent; honest and to the point - not to mention very funny (the arguments for ape-human sex in the new Planet Of The Apes, for example. Any chance you could review the Clooney movie Solaris? It's gotta be one
of the most boring films I've seen ever. And one of only a handful of movies I've actually fast-forwarded just to see if it gets more interesting later on (it didn't). Keep writing those reviews, buddy - you're doing us all a great service!
-Mark F

I didn't review the detestable Solaris because it was one of the worst movies I've ever endured.  The humdrum nature of the film was puke-worthy.  It was kind of funny, though, being that I started watching it at about 1.5X speed halfway through, and George Clooney sounded sort of like Michael Jackson.

Dear Juicemaster,
I really liked Open Range. The first part gave more of the feel of being on a trail drive. The only film I remember that came close was Cowboy in the 50's. And the sound track shot made me feel in a gun fight with the same confusion and loss of direction and awful desire to hide. Mut my experience was with the Infantry, not with pistols and shotguns. But it
was close. My wife thought the love side was terrific. I had to agree. Sorry you did not enjoy it as much as we did. But it
would be a very dull place if everyone agreed.
-Gary M.

Or if everyone was Kevin Costner.

Dear Juicemaster,
What a great review on Open Range. I feel like I could have written it myself. I'm printing it out so I can remember to consult your reviews in the future. Our local reviewer said the film was a perfect Cowboy flick. YAWN!!!!!
-Debbi H.

Most of the critics bent over backward to give Open Range a positive review.  I still can't figure out why.  The character development stunk like my toilet when I get super drunk and leave my pee sitting in it overnight.  The romance was laughable.  On the other hand, the cinematography was nifty, as was the all-too-brief gunfight.

Dear Juicemaster,
God, you are wrong about [Matrix Reloaded] in so many ways... my head would explode if I tried to list them all, so I won't.
-Warren

Please do - exploding heads have been hip since Scanners.

Dear Juicemaster,
I was like you: I passed up seeing the film [Mulholland Dr.] even when I'd heard the first buzz about it. The movie changed my view of movies altogether. It flipped me, and I had to watch it again and again over the next several months. Not to figure it out, but rather to experience the odd feelings it elicited from within me. I've given up trying to get across how this film is one of the most amazing cinema spectacles I've ever witnessed.
-Meredith

And lesbian girls show their boobies, which is always good.  Of course it's more complex than that, but boobies give milk to hungry children, and that's pretty impressive.  Hungry children need their nutrition.

Dear Juicemaster,
Read your review on this peice. I saw the movie, was completely confused by it, yet realized that there is a method to the madness, and am in the process of figuring it out. Just curious to know your take on it. From your review it seems like you
"get it". What's your take on the films meaning?
- Vic

It means two hot women get naked and create one of the sexiest lesbian scenes that I've ever seen.  There's other good stuff, too, but that lesbian scene ruled.

Dear Juicemaster,
love the website and it is the first and only place I go to determine which movie I will spend my entire tax rebate on at the theatre.
-Travis A.

That's super nice of you to say, but please spend your rebate getting George W. Bush and his right-wing cronies the hell out of office.  Thanks!

Dear Juicemaster,
Your review of Kill Bill reinforces my belief that movie reviewers,in large part,are on the take.
-John F.

You're right.  The absolutely nothing I got from the studio for writing that review (they didn't even send me a press-kit) compelled me into faking a positive review for a horrible movie.

Dear Juicemaster,
My husband and I came back from Mystic [River] deeply bothered by the film. Believe it or not the film made me angry! This rarely happens. We both have "lives" and I am not a movie freak. That said, for the first time in years I combed reviews- easy enough to do online- searching for a clear articulation of what was so damned wrong with this movie. Your review was right to the point. A very insightful review of a movie that was itself so insightless. If you ever wondered whether anyone truly benefits from reading a review, now you know they really do. Your review was a much needed antidote to a self important, irresponsible treatment of many of the heaviest issues around. Thanks for sharing your take on Mystic River. I'm heading out for breakfast- and chasing it down with a sprite.
-J. M. G.

I could fill up a short book with emails thanking me for my take on the film.  When damn near 100% of the critics talk about it being "the best movie so far this year," people buy into it.  I still haven't received an email disagreeing with my negative critique.  It seems that almost no one likes this film.  I gave up the only advance screening I had for The Human Stain (I still haven't seen that movie, and it was released yesterday) to check out the advance to Mystic River. It definitely wasn't the most horrible movie released in 2003, but easily the most over-hyped and disappointing.  If you want to see a movie that the majority of critics were right in praising, check out Pieces of April.  It's the perfect holiday film. 

Dear Juicemaster,
people thank god when they narrowly avoid death people dont blame god for nearly killing them
-Superqueen

What Chinese restaurant do you go to?  I want fortune cookies like that one!  Mine usually read something along the lines of, "soon you will be digesting a fortune cookie."

Dear Juicemaster,
Your web site is fraught with deception. How dare you quote the bible when you dont understand it or probably never read it. William Donohue represents truth and stands up to perverse and sick manipulating people like you.
-Maureen

I've never bashed a Catholic.  William Donohue is NOT a true "Catholic."  The guy is nothing more than a self-propagandizing media-whore.  The chances of the Catholic Church giving him anything more than a restraining order, are exactly none. 

Dear Juicemaster,
I didn't check the date on the post, but i'm curious about your "the beach" review. You happened to be the only review I read, seemed somewhat cursory, but thats besides the point. I am a big trainspotting fan, a big danny boyle fan, and hate to rip this movie totally up. I agree that there are many similarities between this film and Apocalypse Now. My question to
you is what did you think of coppola's Apocalypse Now? I'm guessing your post is from years ago; I'll be surprised if this email gets to you. But if it does, a danny boyle question for you, more recent: What did you think of 28 days later?
-Bryan

I thought 28 Days Later was a pathetic rip-off of about 4 or 5 zombie films (primarily Romero's).  I feel that it was critically acclaimed for no reason other than the fact that the camera was grainy and bounced around a lot, Danny Boyle directed it, and some critic said it was "super-duper scary." The film is overlong, unoriginal, and it doesn't age well.  It's like when Michael Jackson bought the rights to songs by The Beatles and proceeded to do a remake of John Lennon's classic rock number, "Come Together" in that idiotic 3-D film, Captain Eo.  In regards to The Beach - well, it was as bad as a Beach Boys concert without Brian Wilson.  And speaking of Brain Wilson, here's a Jason zombie...

Dear Juicemaster,
You're an asshole!  OMG: I just read your review of "Pirates...". Everyone has their own opinion no doubt, but I am writing you because in everyones life there is a person that stands out as a complete nut...you are that person. Your review was hurtful and evil. Basically you really suck bad! The film is making a killing because it is really good in almost everyway. What is the most surprising of all is that you have a girlfriend to go to the show with at all. Enjoy your day asshole!!!
-Jeff and Jill

I can't believe it took two authors to compose the above email.  Did you each feel the need to contribute an "asshole?"  I'm a "complete nut" because I gave Pirates of the Caribbean a MIXED (not negative) review?  I'm not even going to try and say something funny, because I could never top the joke of a letter you sent me. 

Dear Juicemaster,
You gave Scary Movie 3 a better review than The Two Towers!!! Oh dear...
-Keith P.

I have big balls.  They bounce around and look sort of like hairy tits, without any nipples.

Dear Juicemaster,
it is evident on the News, of what "Artist" are doing & what's supposed to be "art." In the Village, SOHO, it is always queer elements, trying to grand stand. ACT - UP, taking the Holy Eucharist and throwing it on the floor of St. Patrick's Cathedral is one example. There were plenty of uniformed NYPD that wanted to open these Bastards' heads with their night sticks. If there weren't any News Cameras, don't think a little justice wouldn't have been dished out.

Where was the disgust when an "Artist" covered a picture of the Blessed Virgin in elephant crap! Mayor Guiliani had plenty to say about it, starting with cutting off New York City Cultural Funds for a Public Museum that displayed this insult and Heresy.

I would be truly curious to see what the News Media and Civic Groups would  have to say if a picture of Buddha was placed in urine, or if the Dali Lama's picture or likeness was smeared with feces. I believe it would be quite a bit
Louder from all points. The truth is, it should be loud, because the sentiment is outrageous. With the Satanic Verses, Ayatollah Khomeini put a Bounty on Salmon Rushdi's head. Obviously, Khomeni, and the rest of the Iranian Islamic
Revolutionary Government was't interested in petitoning to be heard. They just put a price on the Author's head. That was Their Way of dealing with the problem.
-anonymous

I can't believe there are dipshits like you who oppose freedom of speech.  Do you realize what a hypocrite you are?  You don't want anyone to slam the Catholic religion, but you want "queer elements" to be decapitated and have their heads put on the night sticks of aggressive pigs.  I'm not going to waste my time responding to all the inconsistencies in your email.  I will say that, personally, I don't give a flying rat's ass what that wanna-be Nazi Rudy Giuliani did or didn't object to.  I'd personally like to see him covered in elephant shit.  This guy wouldn't know "art" if it came up and bit him in his puny pecker.  The man was against art, against poor people making a living, and against almost everything that made New York a unique city.  All the lamer Mayor Giuliani did was turn "his" city into one where the richest of the rich could feel comfortable shopping at really expensive stores, and attend The Lion King on Broadway.  Culture and the arts are extremely important to society.  But, what's the point in trying to reason with you, "anonymous?"  You obviously think anyone writing anything deemed "offensive" by intolerant cum-stained dictators should have a bounty put on their head.  And what's your deal with "head?"  Haven't you ever gotten any?  Give it a chance.  It may loosen you up and open both your eyes and your sickeningly closed mind. 

Dear Juicemaster,
You have a sense of humor that outweighs any other critic online or offline. Thanks for your reviews. Thanks for standing up for the little guy. How many other critics are going to give a positive review to Freddy VERSUS Jason and to The Texas Chainsaw Massacre. Don't be fooled, don't give up, you make a difference. I've stopped reading every other critic that isn't you. You matter. Thanks for being honest and not being a tool.
-Rob P.

Are you about to propose?  To be fair, a few other critics heaped praise on The Texas Chainsaw Massacre.  The majority of critics didn't get Freddy vs. Jason.  They were far too busy telling everyone to go see the impossibly, incredibly, unbelievably pointless and hideously boring Whale Rider.  (Sorry, I finally saw the film on DVD, and it was one of the most hellish movies I've ever had to sit through.)

Dear Juicemaster,
i just really really want to know if you have seen a movie that truly scared you. if there is such a thing out there, i definitely have to see it. in fact, you should post a tiny little list on the website of movies that are terrifying.
-Hiram

When I was young, certain movies scared me.  Watching a horror film now is sort of like walking through a Haunted House.  Nothing's very scary when you can predict everything that's gonna happen, and exactly when it's going to occur.  The only movie that still SCARES me is the original Jaws.  After I saw it, when I was like 8 years old, or something, I wouldn't go into a swimming pool, outside of the shallow end.  I saw sharks, everywhere.  I still see sharks in the White House.  I see sharks heading corporations.  So, Jaws is still fairly scary, just because this world is filled with sharks, and most of them are human. 

Hey! Reading other people's mail makes me feel all dirty inside, and I kinda like it. Send me to The Ultimate Letter Archive!

Wanna write to The Juicemaster?  Got something important to say (or something completely stupid)? Send email to:
alex@juicycerebellum.com

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