Letters to the Webmaster Archive
(Where rotten letters go to stink)
Thanks for bringing the site back, I know it'll bring smiles and laughs to my, and my friends faces! I am really glad you're not going to stop doing your site. Because, I don't know if anybody told you but... IT KICKS ASS!!!!
WHO LOVES YOU BABY!!!
Um, is that a trick question? Where's the answer? Who???
this page has got to be one of the best things to happen to me all day. I mean hell, it even made the voices stop telling me to take my gun into work and shoot every single one of them sorry ass mother fucker lame brains that are posing as human beings. Your misery has put a smile on my face, but hey, as the "Sisters of Mercy" so perfectly put it, "pain looks great on other people, that's what they're for."
That wasn't a very nice thing of them to say.
Love the page. Wish I could get there more often. Please, keep those 99% accurate horoscopes coming - even if I do have a crappy sign. You are one weird, sick, twisted individual. I like that in a person.
Ah, that reminds me, I need to put up the next horoscope, don't I? Trust me, it's in the stars.
Nice page. BUT, as I was reading them tonight, my girlfriend rang up and dumped me. Coincidence?
checked out your page........it is a brilliant piece of work...didn't have time to check out everything..... where are you from? I am from Melbourne Australia
You can break my heart!! I won't break yours
Why so bitter, buddy?
Didn't you know?!? Scooby-Doo doesn't run new episodes, anymore - they're all just REPEATS!!!
You've got to drop this "fuck you" attitude. Increase it exponentially to the "fuck you, I'm sick of your shit, you fucking prick" attitude. It's what gets me by.
So that's the answer. And all this time, the doctors kept telling me that it lied in a bottle of Prozac.
While I agree that "The Rescuers" should have been a hardcore porno, I feel that certain other films from the same period had more promise as porn: see "TRON," and "Flash Gordon."
Or, how about Disney's first, homo-porn,"TRON meets Flash Gordon?" Now, that I'd pay money for.
What a bitch!
The funniest part of your whole situation (if you didn't already know this) is that by abusing your trust so much, your ex-fiancée has set you up to fall into the habit of using and abusing women, and not caring about girls you date/fuck/whatever, as a defense against getting hurt again. So, a few years down the line, when you meet THE ONE who "really is different" and all that other bullshit, you're going to blow her off and break her heart (just acting on your apathetic instincts) -- THUS you will be priming HER to think that all men are assholes, and then she will become a feelingless man-user, just like your ex-fiancée.
The end is the beginning is the end. Pretty
Oh, great - now I have to kill myself.
Your ex is a whore, man
Thanks. That was the nicest letter I've gotten all month.
I feel so for what you are in the middle of right now. It's hard to put into words, without it sounding trite or stupid. I wish that I could just wave a wand and make it go away. I would do that if I could.
But I betcha you wouldn't jump in your car and drive the 100 miles that it would take to meet me for a Malt at Bridgemen's. I wish I had a magic wand, too - then I could make you disappear.
I just have to tell you that you are so funny, and sound so sweet, I just can't imagine how your evil ex-fiancée can live with herself. I've been visiting your site for months now and (fortunately) I was away for the past few weeks, and didn't see the time when you decided not to update. I'm glad you started again. I understand what it feels like when you just say 'fuck it' and want to stop EVERYTHING. I'm not sane . . . or I guess I wouldn't be here. I just wanted to let you know what I thought.
Your thoughts were beautiful, thanks.
I get the picture that you're depressed and heartbroken. Granted there's a lot of healing that can occur at the bottom of the outhouse rolling around in all of the shit, there is a fine line.
And she crossed it.
I must say that "the ex-files" is a great addition to "the juicy cerebellum." It is comforting to know that there is other people going through the same shit that you did. Looking forward to the next chapter in "Dead dogs don't roll over."
It would be even more comforting to know no one has to go through that same shit, again. (Hey, that wasn't a funny comeback. I'm feeling insecure here. Um, what do I do? People wouldn't like me, if I was serious, would they? Oh, crap.)
Man you have had a rough time of it with women.....Let me tell you there IS a beautiful person with a huge (loving & trustful) heart out there just waiting for you...But I am afraid you really must be a little less guarded about your heart! And probably a few lessons in 'good judgement' might not go astray...
Keep your chin and hopes up babe!!
What about my penis?
Seems like your ex pissed you off pretty bad. Understandable sure, but I think you should move on with life.. There has to be someone else out there..
Actually I'm just saying that because my ex did
the same thing to me, and if I don't keep thinking happy
thoughts, I'll go on a 7 state killing spree that leaves 19
Hey, if you were to make it a 14 state killing spree, leaving 38 people dead, I could join ya.
Wow, what a psycho hose beast!!!! She sounds like a real bitch. Maybe you should get REAL drunk, and then call her up, I know a little of Grandpa's Cough Syrup will loosen up them inhibitions. You could really tell her what you think of her (hehehehe), and when you wake up in a puddle of vomit and urine, you won't remember a damn thing!!! WHOOP-DE-SHIT, what could be better???
I'm greatly disturbed by your "Gilligan's Gate" update. I don't think people killing themselves for the sake of some raving lunatic is very funny. Just kidding. I think you would make a terrific cult leader. You should be careful, though. I'm sure there are some nuts out there just waiting for your next instructions. I thought the update was hilarious, but you never know about some of your fans out there.
I'd appreciate it if you didn't call my followers, "nuts." The only "nuts" will be those mortals left here, on this decaying earth, just waiting to die. Us "nuts" will be living a life of eternal syndication here on Gilligan's Island.
can I be part of yer nifty cult? pleeeeeease? pretty please with a dash o' peanut sauce on top????? :-) - jesssss
I don't know, Heather might call you a "nut."
I sat down at my computer intending to spend a few moments checking my e-mail ... basically, just to fiddle around.
Reasonably interesting, I assumed at first. Little was I to know that I would soon find Meaning. (Yes... Meaning with a capital M.)
Like most souls, I was simply drifting along, going where ever the Web took me. I began to read a little of the Gilligan's Gate material.
Considering that I live a mere 40 miles from the site where those Wacky Heaven's Gate people did their thing, I had a natural attraction to a site of this nature.
I admit I considered it to be a goof at first. But, then, I thought about things a little deeper.
Who was always there for me when I came home from school?
My parents? No. They trudged off to meaningless labor during the days of Monday-Friday.
My friends? No. They could never understand the inner turmoil with which I lived.
My sister? No. She's a little bitch.
So, who WAS there? I'll tell you a story...
In my younger years, it was Gilligan. The happy-go-lucky scamp we all saw as a friend.
In my slightly pudgy days, it was Skipper. The fat guy with a cool hat. A hero.
In my nerdy moods, the Professor, of course. The model for MacGuyver. The child of Einstein. The man Albert Schweitzer wishes he was.
In my lonely, masturab..., I mean... In my growing young STUD days of JR High & High School it was MaryAnn. The wholesome, innocent, yet subtly alluring flower of femininity.
(Always hated the Howells. Rich assholes they were. This is part of the reason I am willing to give all my worldly goods to a higher power such as yourself.)
Please excuse my ramblings...I just figured it was part of being part of a cult.
Anyway, please treat the above message as my resume.
With downcast eyes, shaking hands, and a You-fearing whisper... I say, "Please accept me as a member of 'Gilligan's Gate'"
Welcome, my son. You have now become one with Gilligan (hope you were using protection).
. . . And AMEN to THAT! Couldn't have said it better myself. Well done!
Um, I went to your page, and wow! That was really odd. Your update left me feeling a kind of...um...well, a kind of "angry/fuck you/Man! You're right" feeling...cuz...I've never seen you write like that (neither has the web page) and it's just really weird. I'm just happy you finally showed another side of you. The side that gets really pissed off and lets the world know how fucking pissed he is. COOL! Just wanted to let you know how I felt...even though you probably don't care.
-the guy that you like to ignore cuz he's a dumbass.
Could you run that by me, again? I wasn't paying attention.
Amen my brother! (Can I call you brother? I guess I just did so that is an irrelevant question, now isn't it?). Anyway, I think you hit it right on the head (odd choice of words-editor) with your editorial on the passing on of Princess Diana.
You are totally correct that this tragedy should not be blamed on the paparazzi. I am as sorry as the next person that this tragedy happened, provided the next person does not own the entire "Lady DI & Chuck" commemorative plate collection. I also agree that taking away freedoms (even stupid ones like the right to bear arms, for some people should not be allowed to have weapons of death & destruction when they can't even put their shoes on the right feet when they wake up in the morning), is abhorrent to say the very least, and potentially dangerous. After all, didn't the holocaust begin with the taking of freedoms from the Jewish people?
My only complaint is that your editorial is not getting the audience it deserves. I think you should send it to some major newspapers and threaten a protest of their operations if they refuse to publish it (or just call them a bunch of names and hurt their feelings). A mind like yours is wasting away on this small (yet wonderful and enlightening) homepage. Granted some Naziesque people may not agree with these opinions of yours (or the Republican party for that matter, oh wait, they are one in the same, never mind), but there are many that would. Who knows, maybe you could even open a few minds (probably not, for we know how open minded some people are in this country of "freedoms").
Anyway, I loved it, and think you should spread this around a bit.
Anyone wanna see this page get a bigger audience? Well, no one is gonna do it for ya. If you wanna see this site get bigger, "accidentally" scratch the URL into a bathroom stall. "Sneeze," and let a few cards, with the homepage address written on them, fall to the floor in some high school. Write to any computer magazine you can find, and tell 'em to do a feature on, "The Juicy Cerebellum." As a matter of fact, write to ANY magazine you can find that features a section about the 'net, (and that includes almost every mag. around) and tell 'em you, a "valuable" customer, wanna see "THE JUICY CEREBELLUM" featured in an article, review, or nude layout. Thanks. I won't forget you when I'm rich and famous.
Dang. You really do have a point about the paparazzi or whoever the heck they are. I can't spell. I mean, sheesh, it's her own darn fault and she deserves it for not telling him to slow down and pull over. Now her 2 kids have to suffer for however many more years till they're of age. Poor things. See what 10 glasses of wine causes?
Not to mention, a really bad headache, the next morning.
What I'd really like to know is why Di and the rest of the passenger's blood alcohol levels were never released. If the driver was as drunk as they say he was then why, if not for the simple fact that they were also drunk, did they get in the car with him? And why didn't they want their pics taken, could it possibly be because they were trashed???
Hey, ex-princesses, and rich dudes in turbans don't get trashed, they get tipsy.
I just gotta ask you - whereabouts are you from, how old are you, and how is it that you think so much like me? It sounds like your "ex-fiance" really crapped on you! I have a pretty cynical view of people and life in general, and it's real easy to identify with almost everything you write, with the exception of the epilepsy. I'll keep checking your pages, now that I've stumbled across them!! Later!!
Wait a minute! Did you say, "stumble?" Are you sure you're not epileptic? You know, stumbling usually is the first sign.
Not all women are evil and cruel like your ex-fiancée. If she's on Long Island I'll go beat her up for you. I'm not saying this because I want to be next. I have a boyfriend and would never dream of doing any of the horrible things she did to you to anyone. No one deserves to be treated like that. Unfortunately, it happens to both sexes far too often.
I hope you find a nice sweet girl who adores you as much as you adore her.
Any takers? Email me at: email@example.com. Weeeee! I should change the name of this site to, "The Juicy SingleBellum."
Dude, I hear what you're saying. Much as I'd like to say they're all as evil as that, I'd realistically have to put the figure at only about every second one.
Hope things start looking up.
I'd still have to go with the "9 in every 10" estimate, but I'm bitter.
YOU THINK YOU ARE SAFE YOU THINK YOU ARE FUNNY BUT THE OVERLORD WILL STRIKE YOU DOWN AND YOU FORGET THAT THE EVIL WILL OVERCOME AND SWALLOW THOSE WHO MOCK THE POWER OF THE OVERLORD AND THEY WILL CRY ON THEIR KNEES AND GROVEL IN THE ASHES OF THE DEAD AND WISH THEY COULD ESCAPE THE PAIN BUT THE FLAMES GET HOTTER AND YOUR CRIMES AGAINST THE OVERLORD WILL NOT BE FORGOTTEN EVEN THOUGH YOU CRY AND CRY YOU WILL BLEED AND THE FLESH WILL BE TORN FROM YOUR BONES YOU LIAR AND THIEF YOU HAVE NO RESPECT FOR THE DARK AVENGER YOU WILL PAY AND PAY FOREVER IN THE FLAMES OF TORMENT REPENT NOW TO THE OVERLORD BUT IT IS TOO LATE AND YOU FORGET AND SWALLOW THOSE WHO MOCK THE DEAD AND THE FLESH OF THE OVERLORD THE EVIL WILL OVERCOME AND SWALLOW YOU YOU WHORE YOU
WILL CRY ON YOUR KNEES AND GROVEL IN THE ASHES OF THE OVERLORD
UH IS THERE ANY CHANCE HE MIGHT TEACH YOU ABOUT LOWER CASE LETTERS AND PUNCTUATION?
This is Mark. I think you're really cool, and it's really bad about that chick that keeps breakin' your heart. She should go to hell. Your page is cool, and never stop updating it, it's super cool and I love reading all this funny stuff. If ya ever need some help or just an ear (or like an internet e-mail thingy.) to talk to, I'm here.
Sort of like E.T.
Man, you have the BEST site!!! I loved the whole thing - thank you, thank you, thank you!!!
Hey, I have to crap once-a-day, just like everyone else.
What can I say? I LOVE YOU! -- And we haven't even met.
So, who's buying the condoms?
I thought that this cult would involve way less brainwashing and blind naive devotion than the military or a fraternity, so I'm in
Good choice. I won't even make you cut your hair. Yo - GILLIGAN!
Dear Webmaster (Lord and Master Gilligan)-
May I be so bold as to ask if I may wash your feet? I want nothing more on this earth than to prostrate myself before you and worship your many-armed form. I give my heart to you Master, for all eternity. Guide me in your wisdom and benevolence and help me to perceive energy directly as it flows in the universe, so that I may evolve as a conglomerate of bioenergetic fields. Help me to also master, for once and for all, the sorcery of the infinite. Teach me how to regain the ability to navigate through world upon world of perceptual possibility. I am young and weak, show me your powerful intent so that I may gain the discipline of responsibility and realize that we are beings who are going to die. Guide me into the purity of inner-silence, out of the daily level of attention and into the layers of conscious, volitional dreaming. Guide me into the totality of the self, where the first and second attention become a single, galvanized unit of inconceivable power. While we linger in this marvelous world, in this wondrous time, let me walk beside you master, until our days have come and gone and nothing is left for us but to enter into infinity. Show us how to take that final and definitive journey into eternity as our luminous cocoons flashover with conscious awareness and burn with the fire from within. Show us how to transcend time and explode from within as an energetic field of awareness, so we can live with you forever, in the place where all of creation lies waiting to be explored.
Huh-huh huh-huh, he said "galvanized." Huh-huh, huh-huh.
Dude, this is just dumb enough to work. Consider yourself one follower richer. Hell, I even got my own gun for the stand off, so that should save you some money. See, I just signed on and already I am helping you reach you goal of being God.
Dear Sir: Thank you for your support, and welcome to my cult. Please keep in mind, though, that I already am God. Hence, I have no goal to reach, since I am already there. Thanks again for your membership.
WE NEED YOU TO CHECK ALL WEAPONS AND WEAPONS PURCHASES WITH US STOP WE NEED TO KNOW WHAT PART OF YOU COMPOUND TO RAID RIGHT AFTER YOU AND YOUR FOLLOWERS KILL YOURSELVES STOP RENO FOR PREZ RENO FOR PREZ RENO FOR PREZ RENO FOR PREZ RENO FOR PREZ RENO FOR PREZRENO FOR PREZ RENO FOR PREZ RENO FOR PREZ RENO FOR PREZ STOP NO YOU STOP QUIT IT OUCH THERE STOP PUT A REAL MAN IN THE WHITE HOUSE VOTE RENO IN 2000 STOP
THANK YOU VERY MUCH
Please contact Seer666, he handles all the weapons.
Are you going for Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy or Stephen King with that "Dead Dogs Don't Roll Over?" It's getting pretty creepy, the end of Chapter 43 really gave me the shivers.
Keep up the good work, especially like the Gilligan's Gate thing. Can't wait to see it unfold. You know, your page has been good from day 1, but you are getting even better. I mean it, whatever this thing is for you - therapy, working your feelings out, creative outlet, writing practice, or all of the above - I can see it most definitely evolving.
Take care, Alex - I'm watching you (on your
page, I mean!!!)
That letter was kinda nerdy.
Uh....duh! I had this whole, great message all thought up in my head to write you, but I TOTALLY forgot it now. That sucks. Okay, so I just read the "Gilligan's Gate" thing, and the part in the intro thing about rings that say "poop" reminded me of this one time, when I was at a concert. It was a fundraiser type thing, set up by none other than the guy I have a crush on - Jeremy. Anyway, there were a bunch of bands playing (including Jeremy's) and the show kicked ass, but the "poop" thing reminded me of Ian, the bass player in Jeremy's band. After the show, everyone was getting ready to leave, and the only people there were the bands & me & a couple of my friends. Anyway, me, being the dork that I am, somehow ended up with the $ellout$(Jeremy's band) set list and I was trying to get all the guys in the band to sign it. So, they've got these silly stage names that all have to do with money to tie in with the sellout theme, and Jeremy, Chad, & John Paul had all signed their names and I was trying to get Ian to sign his. Earlier in the evening, I had noticed that he had "poop" written on his hand, so I said "Poop, get over here and sign this thing!" Stupid, Yes I know, but that's just me.
Y'wanna reduce the population? Begin with yourself.
Boy, that was real clever.
Excuse the cheesiness of this letter. I really appreciate your site and the effort you must put in to update it every day. I usually come here about two or three times daily, just because I know what you write will make me laugh. I really like the things you say. You say just what you feel, and that's a really rare thing for someone to do, in this day and age. I'm sure you get a lot of shit for saying what you think, and I think it's cool how you just say it, anyway.
I know this letter is probably too serious (or
sappy) for you to print, but I'm not writing it for
"fame," just to tell you you're doing a good job. Don't
let the fuckers drag you down.
That letter really sent out the dopamine in my brain! Thanks. Don't worry, I can handle the fuckers, it's the senior citizens I worry about.
Does everyone that writes to you really write "Dear Webmaster" at the top of every letter?
No, I just put that up there to make it easier to jump from letter to letter. Plus, it makes everyone that writes to me look like a big nerd. Oh, by the way, is your name really "Gene?"
"Dead dogs don't roll over" is what really makes me come here again and again.
Have you worked out yet how it will end? WILL it ever end? If so, how many chapters
will there be?
"Dead Dogs Don't Roll Over" makes you come again and again? I didn't realize it had that effect on people. Glad I can be of service.
I hate to tell you this, but yours is the sanest, most wholesome, insightful site
I've ever come across (which of course proves that I usually surf porn sites). Your humor
exceeds you! (Whatever that means.)
Keep up the good work!!!
Um, you were actually telling me that my humor surpasses, outdoes, beats, excels, outstrips, betters and surmounts me. And yes, I do have a thesaurus.
I feel kind of bad saying that your misfortune contributes to my
happiness, but then I read it again and I don't feel as bad anymore.
I wish I had a bigger penis. Like a big, 12-incher. I betcha all those people that made fun of me in elementary school would learn their lesson, then!
it's nice out because it's raining. so anyway, there was this
thing, and it was good, and then they made me come home.... and my friend max
cut beck's hair, and braden met him, oh but then there's anna, and i don't think
i like her, i'm not telling why.... you don't want to know. someday soon i'm
going to richmond... i should go eat, it's good for me. if you want to drool on me, i doubt you'd want to, feel free i guess or something.... i do a lot of drooling myself.....
Um, um, gee . . .
I LOVE YOU!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
YOU ARE GOD!!!
YOU'RE A GENIUS.
Okay, whenever I'm feeling down, I know where to look. Thanks Tanya, Mi and, No Signature!
What happened to you during childhood, anyway?
I was raised Catholic.
although this has got to be the strangest web site I've seen, I keep coming
back. I especially like the more serious stuff, like the poetry, but the humor's
cool too. But some of its a bit too dumb, even for me!
i do not git wat u r sayin'.
You're funny, fast, open-minded, bold, and - did I mention "funny?" I just wanted to ask, can I have your baby?
Only if you let me name it after my dog, "dildo."
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some of your files were inconsistent with our current guidelines and
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Well, excuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuse the hell out of me!
What do you think is better, sex or masturbation?
Well, they both have their pros and cons. Sex is messier, and you have to make sure you wiped good after the last time you went potty, but it feels pretty groovy. With masturbation, you're your own boss, but your hand isn't all that great at pillow talk (at least mine isn't). So, I guess I'd pick neither, I recommend Pay-Per-View.
Heya.. luv going to yer pages.. they freaking rock... and don't you think yer
guide to supersex might keep people from getting laid ever again? just my
-Someone or another
Hey, everyone gets laid sometime. That's the great thing about death.
I love your web page. It is by far the greatest on the entire internet. I
really enjoy all of the updates on McDonald Land, but I feel you are
overlooking all of the wrongdoings happening in other lands. I mean, With
all of the stalking Dave Thomas has been doing in his commercials, one can
only guess that Wendy's Land is becoming a regular Sodom and Gomorrah. You
should really check into it and report back to us. After all, the Flying
Musk Oxen told me that it was your destiny to do so, just before they ate a
small newborn smoking a cigar made of cheese. I have to go, the voices are
calling me again, and if I don't respond and do as they say, they will dip me
in their vat of sugar-free lard again.
Dave Thomas stalking people, and then suffocating them with lard and bacon grease. Wow! What a frightening fucking movie that would make!
I actually like the site, and find myself laughing uncontrollably from
your words....scary huh?
Not as scary as Dave Thomas suffocating people with lard and bacon grease.
Just read most of your page and thought you'd like to know it depressed me
incredibly. Great writing style - it really drew me into your self
flagellation and dwelling on the pointlessness of existence.
Don't take this as a criticism at all, most
writing is quite bland but
yours got me feeling the way I think you wanted me to. Happy writing can
make me feel good too, but their assumptions always feel simplistic - your
darker stuff rings true after the feeling has gone and the thinking takes
So what's the point of this mail? Nothing I
guess. Hope you don't
suicide before finishing the dead dog story, though. The "always hoping but eternally smashed by reality" character is the you that comes across in the writing perfectly. My guess is that the ending is going to be difficult, good luck.
It's not the ending I'm worried about, it's the stuff in-between that scares me. Commit suicide before I'm finished? I haven't really considered it, but now it just sounds so tempting. Wouldn't that be funny if I slit my wrists the day before putting up the very last chapter? Maybe I'd get on the news, like those Heaven's Gate people, or that Dave Thomas guy.
Warped, twisted and hysterical. I love it.
I just wish I could find a really nice girl and we could fall in love and stay together for life. A warm, friendly relationship with summer nights out by the lake and cold winters with a couple big pillows and a video. Mmmmm . . .
Wow, I just can't get enough of this!!! I want more, send me to the letters to the webmaster archive PART FOUR, please!!!