Letters to the Webmaster Archive IV
(Where stinky letters turn into dirt)

Dear Webmaster-
Your site kicks ass! I'm a first timer. Yep ya know people
really do like masturbating.
-No Signature

You do know it's the original reason we were given hands, right?

Dear Webmaster-
Not interested in screwing with your mind, but
sorry to hear about
you having your heart stomped into mush
and all. But look on the
bright side... Hillary Clinton's skin is slowly losing all
pliability. She'll smile one day and half of her head will fall off.
-Suzene Campos

That's a really funny thought. I'll have to put it into my "really funny thoughts that other people thunk" scrapbook.

Dear Webmaster-
Ooga fish! Ooga fish! Fish! Phish! FEESH! Agh! The evil snowmen come in the night to steal away your lactose intolerance.And of course, it's not, but it was as it is always. Isn't it? Nothing and everything coalesce in my bathtub and molest my rubber ducky. You can't make a difference by just sitting there asshole! Fuckin' BEAR! Conservatives suck! And so it was said in the Great Tome of Squid. Never chew the granola with a vengeance. Squirm in fiery pestilence, you nibblers of damp beaver nuts! CHEESE!
-No Signature

It's letters like these that you always find crumpled up in the corner of some little shack full of homemade bombs and high-tech devices.

Dear Webmaster-
You have just made me truly depressed. Thanks! I
needed that! I was feeling a little too happy today anyway.
-Chris

Glad I could help.

deer webbmister
i rilly licked
bubbas webb page but sumbuddy shood teech
him hou to spel cuz he speled peepl wroung 10 timmes; ime sarry too hear
abowt hiz moma my dady ussed too tel mee thee sam things wen hee brung al
hiz frends hom frum thee barr; thay ussed too bett hou meny uv themm i
cood wel yu donte wunt too no mi problims; thaink yu fore listing too
mee;
-tedd

Deerast Tedd. I am vary happee that u liked my paige. I gist wish u woodent say Ima bad spelar. My speling is vary good. I testad at a fiirst graid leval! - Bubba

Dear Webmaster-
Why can't you write the chapters for "
Dead Dogs Don't Roll Over" faster?
Huh? Well, now that I finished complaining, I would like to compliment you
on your
guide to super sex, with any luck, I will get laid more than ever.
Also, your
Horoscope was, of course correct, but the Sagittarius one really
applied to me instead of my native Scorpio. Oh well, close enough. Keep up
the good work.
-Cheese Boy

Have you ever farted?

Dear Webmaster-
The page rules. Oh yeah, the camel chose the different route, remember
that. Don't let the beauty of cream cheese destroy you either, cause if
you do, cowboys from Alaska will kick your sorry arse.
-Morgan

The cream cheese speaks only in tongues, as the fat lady sings. The cowboys are doing the fat lady, and all will be destroyed when the bunny rabbit returns.

Yes, a penis doesn't necessarily exclude a person from being an asshole. But, as I mentioned previously, it does make for a better bowler.

Dear Webmaster-
Just rest easy in the knowledge that
women aren't the only one who can do it,
and pay back the karmic balance by doing it to your next girlfriend.
-Kat

What exactly do you mean by "it?" Like "doing it" as in "I don't know about you, but I think they did it last night." Or, "doing It," as in like, having sex with that hairy guy from the Addams Family. Or, lastly, "it" meaning me treating someone as horribly as she treated me? I think I'd go as far as to take a night with Cousin It over doing something that cruel to anyone. (Anyone obviously excludes Rush Limbaugh and Newt Gingrich, but you get the idea.)

Dear Webmaster-
I really love most of your site, but one thing I think is that if you really have seizures, I don't think it's something to brag about. Epilepsy is a private thing that scares a lot of people, and I don't think you, or anyone, has a right to run around making jokes about it, and talking about your seizures all the time. I would like your site better if you removed
all the stuff about epilepsy, and didn't mention having seizures again.
-No Signature

I have seizures. I'm epileptic. I convulse. I have seizures, I have seizures, I have seizures, I have seizuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuu (oops, sorry, must've just had one there), now where was I, these damn SEIZURES make you forget sometimes, oh yeah, I was about to type "res." Seizures, seizures, seizures. Yep, that's me, old epileptic-Al. Yippee!

Dear Webmaster-
I just browsed around your website and it made me laugh, but I mean that in a laughing-with-you way, not a making-fun-of-you way. I hope you're not REALLY as depressed as you come off sounding. Some of the shit that has happened to you is pretty funny when you read it from the point of view of a stranger. But at least you have a sense of humor about it! That puts you one notch above most people. Also, it's a bummer
being cheated on by your ex-fiancée, but just think, isn't it better to find that out BEFORE you get married, than after?

You are a strange person, but funny in a toilet humor kind of way.
Luckily, I am not easily offended.

How old are you? Sometimes I thought you must be about 16, but not too
many people get engaged that young. You're not over 30 though, are you?
27 or 28, maybe?
-Erika

I'm somewhere between 10 and 133, that's all I can say, due to Government restrictions.

Dear Webmaster-
Very creative. Loved the
section on glam bands. Where is Europe? I was
disappointed that the group behind "Carrrriiiiiieeeee" did not make it.
And what about the Scorpions?
-Michael

The Scorpions were just too ugly to be considered "glam."

Dear Webmaster-
This is THE (hands down) funniest site on the internet I have ever
seen. This site reminds me of a circus monkey on drugs. I can just see the
little monkey running around in a Tu-Tu screaming and attacking any
thing in a 10' radius. But, like a horrible train wreck, you just CAN'T
look away! What I am trying to say is, Thanks, it's been a lot of fun :)
-John

You're welcome.

Dear Webmaster-
Yeah, you are the strangest, creepiest, sickest person I have ever
seen... But I can't leave your site, I have been here for about an hour, and
can't leave! THANKS, it's been fun!
-No Signature

I think this letter nailed it. Suddenly, I just feel so, I don't know how to say it . . . proud.

Dear Webmaster-
i love
the guide to super sex.
-Colin

And it's even better when you have it! The penlight in the butt thing is definitely the most fun you can have for $2.99.

Dear Webmaster-
INSANITY RULES!!! Is that really the best you can do? GET CRAZY
and I love ya, man! ...What do you think you´ll do all the long and chilly
nights when you retire, if you masturbate NOW?!! Save some fun for the future!
-No Signature

Yeah but, what fun will I have if I save it all for later, when I'm old and impotent? Masturbating would be more like giving a worm a massage, at that point.

Dear Webmaster-
Okay, that´s for sure... I´ve ALWAYS been a typical Leo. Probably you
are right about my friend too. And I´ve got a huge bottle o´ vodka.
Thanks for warning, now I´ve got time to write my righteous last will!
-Wolfie

WAIT! Don't do it!!! Read the 12 Very Brady Motivational Messages, and let them save you, before it's too late!

Dear Webmaster-
I somehow got to your web page and I was looking at
the fiancée
thing
. When you think of it, its really sad. But, I'm sorry, I was laughing
my arse off while reading it. Its sounds like some movie or something.
Sorry, just had to tell you your life is hilarious.
-Layla

If you think that's funny, wait'll you see my fiancée.

Dear Webmaster-
Is it raining at your house? It isn't here. It rained last night. I forgot to close my skylight and my floor got wet. Do you like flowers?
-No Signature

Well, I thought it was raining earlier, but I think that was just somebody on my roof, peeing on me.

Dear Webmaster-
The only reason I actually wrote is due to the poem
Ladybug. I myself write poetry, usually when trying to impress a girlfriend to be, but after my ex cheated
on me after 2 and a half years, I realized that I have a very dark side too.
However, after telling you all that irrelevant crap I think that
Ladybug
would have to be a classic poem. Keep at it, I'm sure that sooner or later
you will either find someone to bring back your spark (??? it's late ok!
???) but hey, in the mean time, keep those black poems coming.

Later from Down Under
-Gus

As long as there's women around to break my heart, I'm sure my poems will stay dark. (Note the neat little rhyme. Poems=Rhyme. Quick, ain't I?)

Dear Webmaster-
I'm not insane and neither are you. Stop kidding yourself.
-No signature

The pink donkeys hold the key to the universe. If you answer now, you may see Richard Nixon flying overhead in a pink wheelchair. Be quick, for tomorrow the chocolate milk will be gone.

Dear Webmaster-
you are too cool, dammit
-Pete

Ah, you're just sayin' that.

Dear Webmaster-
This is the most awesome site on the web!
-No Signature

I take it you haven't been to Tokyo Topless.

Dear Webmaster-
Then orange pigs fly at midnight.
-No Signature

Um, you're gonna have to run that by me again.

Dear Webmaster-
This is a really snazzy web page, kinda funny, and kinda depressing, like life.
Sigh.
-Abi

Kinda depressing? Kinda?!?

Dear Webmaster-
Have you ever noticed how other people's feet are sooo gross?!? I swear I am the ONLY person other than James Dean to have pretty paddles. Are your feet webbed? Hey, that would make a great survey question! I have to
go stare at my wall now...
-sLeEpYwEaSeL

What a coincidence! I spend most of my free time staring at walls, too.

Dear Webmaster-
This is one of THE best pages I have cum across on the web to date. Thanks for the entertainment !!! The web needs more like it.
-Ted

And it's especially gross when people in nursing homes have sex.

Dear Webmaster-
You are ODD. Cool, though.
-No Signature

Have you ever waited in line for a movie, and then, when you're almost up to the ticket booth, it sells out? I usually kill the person in front of me, in that situation.

Dear Webmaster-
God this page rules!
-No Signature

Thanks, and, ah, stop calling me God.

Dear Webmaster-
YOUR PAGE ROCKS! SUPER HARDCORE! But I'm sure you knew
that. Well, I do have to admit something...after I read your
Glam <shudders> page thing-o I almost had nightmares, but I just pushed the thoughts out of my head and thought about happy things.

The meaning of life...is a tampon? Is that because there is a string attached? hmmm..I'm still thinking about that one..still after a month or so....oh well anyhoosier....your page is DAMN GOOD! I give you thumbs up, and a shiny silver star, nifty neato, 'eh?
-Jamie

A string attached. Hmmm . . . maybe that is it. I'm only the messenger.

Dear Webmaster-
Ha ha you're way way way way out there....but you ARE funny...no denying it.
-no signature

Out where? (I know, I know, that was a bad comeback, but you can't win 'em all, can you?)

Dear Webmaster-
I must be really sick....I love it here!
-Jim

Check the water.

Dear Webmaster-
You are a weird specimen. and I cannot believe I just spent ten
minutes reading your
bizarre little thoughts, but I'm just sniffing your
gluteus maximus
for fun and profit.

By the way, I'd probably prefer
Jesus sending me multi-colored eggs.
Then, I could beat him into submission and become the Antichrist, and
also while I'm at it, make some damn good scrambled eggs, or perhaps an
Omelet.
-Laura

You'd make scrambled eggs while beating up Jesus? You're going to Hell.

Dear Webmaster-
I checked out the new stuff and it's just as good as the rest.
Keep it up - and the good work.
-Sharon

Dear Webmaster-
If you think you are the only on who got
screwed by a psycho individual,
let me just tell you: men are psycho too, and when they run over your
heart with a metaphorical 16 wheeler, they only stop to back up and do it
all over again.
-Sabrina

Dear Webmaster-
April was the month that we met, mated and split. She was warm and fun and now gone. Where? Why? What better way to have fun than sing about the month of April.
-no signature

Um, okay.

Dear Webmaster-
1.) Nice page
2.) If those aren't PhotoShop-enhanced breasts on that
bikini-babe, I'm
Horshak! (ooo, ooo!)
-Matt

I'm Alex.

Dear Webmaster-
My name's Dan. Spelling, punctuation and grammer do matter. Blaming your teachers because you couldn't cut it or get laid is a rather pointless activity. Grow up and accept responsibility for your own life. I think we're about the same age, so don't give me shit about being out-of-touch or any of that bullshit.
-Dan

Dan, you need to pay more attention in class. I never blamed my teachers for not getting laid. Oh, and, you spelled the word "grammar" wrong. You know, in that part where you wrote "spelling, punctuation and grammer do matter." "Grammer" is spelled with an "a." G-r-a-m-m-A-r. Repeat after me, GrammAr. It's a common mistake. Just try a little harder next time.

Dear Webmaster-
If I'm not mistaken, Warrant won Star Search proving that only Dick
Clark, Ed McMahon, and 20 or so 15 year old boys thought they weren't
crappy. It also proves that Ed and Dick are low rent crap dealers who
wish they had poofy hair.
-No signature

Ed McMahon with poofy hair?!? Oh great, now I'm gonna have nightmares for a week.

Dear Webmaster-
My name is Sariel and I think that your page is great. I never knew that there were others out there like me. Thank you, Alex Sandell, for giving me something to live for.

Don't write anything mean like "hello" if you send me E-Mail. My psychiatrist says that even the slightest lowering of my self-esteem could result in mean, or even homicidal, tendencies. Or I could just kill myself. In any case, I love you.
-Sariel Lehyani

Okay, now I'm a little frightened

Dear Webmaster-
Did you know that John Denver offered the Soviet Space Agency and NASA
10 million smackers to take him into space? True story. He also
installed gas tanks in his yard during the gas crisis in the 70s. Weird
huh?
-Rev. NRH

For some reason, whenever I see John Denver, I think of Kermit the Frog.

Dear Webmaster-
I love your sense of humour and
views on life, love, crap music, well everything really.

I too am a
Grand Mal sufferer and as such appreciate the lighter side of life a
little more. I've no time to take any shit. Or listen to the
"music" of grown
men dressed like demented fairies wearing shitty make up yet think they look
cool.

-Sharon

But you have to admit, The Demented Fairies would make a good name for one of those shitty bands.

Dear Webmaster-
"YOU ARE NUTS!!!"
-No signature

You're gonna need to be a bit more specific. Do you mean "nuts" as in, "mmm, these are tasty" or "he's loony as a nuthouse in mid-July" or "ooh, nice set of nuts you have there?"

Dear Webmaster-
Now that my second ledder to the webster didn't get published, I am forced to travel to that god forsaken town in which you live to seek revenge!!!!
-Capricorn MAN

Dear Mr. Capricorn MAN. I do not have space to print every single, pointless letter I get from just anybody. Sorry.

Dear Webmaster-
Just thought I'd send you a pointless letter to say "hi."
-Just Anybody

Dear Webmaster-
Your stuff is totally hilarious. For real. Have you considered comedy
writing as a career? You should. Not that I'm an expert or anything. I
just know that I laughed my ASS off on every single freakin' page I read. I
ran out of time and couldn't take it all in, in just one visit. But I will
be back. And all my friends will be duly notified.

Are you one guy or a troupe? Ya killed me!
-Don

I'm sorry. I didn't mean to kill anybody.

Dear Webmaster-
I can't believe you did
those things in front of your grandma! HEHEHEHEHEHEHE
-Pa Kou

I can't believe she was watching!

Dear Webmaster-
Please, please, please let me be in your letters section! I want to be part of something big! I have never been anything. Please just give this lonely nothing the chance to be part of something wonderful.
-Eugene

Is it just me, or does there seem to be a speckle of sarcasm spread throughout those words?

Dear Webmaster-
I am a loser.
-Tasos

Join the club.

Dear Webmaster-
Love the homepage. Fabulous.
-Chrissie

Isn't that weird when you're just like, sitting around, and then you suddenly get all horny, for no reason? I usually pretend I have to go pee, when that happens, so I can run into the bathroom and masturbate.

Dear Webmaster-
wow...you deserve a drink....where abouts you live?
-No signature

In a messy basement with lots of underwear scattered around everywhere.

Dear Webmaster-
You have no IDEA who you're messing with, buddy! I laughed at the
'
priest shooting alter boy' joke, and smiled uncomfortably at your shots
at the church, but you took a shot at
FLORIDA!!! What's this country
coming to?...next thing you know you'll be insulting Jimmy Buffet for
his hypocrisy...he still has good songs.....

Anyway; good story. Long live the 'Evil Dead' series. 'Generation Z'
sux, long live Generation Next (and I DON'T mean the Pepsi
commercials...frigging corporate plagiarists )!!! Read some Heinlein,
some Hiaasan, and some other authors that start with 'H'.

Yes, Scruffy, I'll ask him...My swiftly deteriorating hamster is
wondering if any rotting Dalmatians were harmed in the writing of your
story. Boy, Scruffy, that was a STUPID question! What? Lean closer? Ok
I - OWWWW!
-Michael

No. Bodies contorted and forced into tiny places, a few ribs cracked here and there and a jaw ripped out, but no one was harmed.

Dear Webmaster-
I am the queen
-Nina

Um, I think they have treatment for that kind of thing.

Dear Webmaster-
i like sugar
-Peter

I betcha they'll be somebody analyzing that letter for the next twenty years, trying to find the hidden meaning.

Dear Webmaster-
I'm as cuckoo as a clock, so that's why I'm hoppin' around here!
Greetzzz...
-Dick

No, I won't do it, it's too easy.

Dear Webmaster-
Seek help for your
cereal fetish. Soon. But not so soon that you don't write more really funny stuff first (in case it's the cereal).
-Dave H.

No, it's something in the peanut butter.

Dear Webmaster-
I think your site is just what the Internet is designed for - perfect for people who have something to say, and you definitely do. Keep it up, and don't let
the Dalmatian getcha.
-Allan

Allan, I am the Dalmatian (add frightening, mad-scientist type laugh here)!

Dear Webmaster-
I just finished perusing all, yes all, of your site and I just wanted to
let you know that I'm impressed with your open expression of what you
feel.
The novel is great, I'll be back soon to read more. Keep on
rockin' man.
-Justin

You know I will, brother.

Dear Webmaster-
I HAD AN ORGASM WHILE READING YOUR STORY, "
DEAD DOGS DON'T ROLL OVER."
-Becky

I had an orgasm thinking of you having an orgasm while you read my story "Dead Dogs Don't Roll Over."

Dear Webmaster-
Just saw ur page...pretty cool...especially
the part where u find ur next heart breaker....quite amusing....see ya later...=)
-Kim

Always happy to amuse people with my pain. :)

Dear Webmaster-
I thought your site would suck but it's really cool. Yes I am just another kiss ass but that's what society has taught me is the right thing to do.

You need more on your views of music today. More on masturbation. More punk rock.
-Carl

As long as it's my ass you're kissing, it's okay. How many views can you have on masturbation? It's better without the sandpaper. Punk rock? It's a product, like everything else. What more can I say?

Dear Webmaster-
I swear your page is the best page in the whole world! We need
more pages with this stuff! I mean, all the rest of them pages
really aren't even close to as good. Well most of them. How can you get
away with being so insane? *L* Well I wrote to you and here is my last
words: I LOVE YOU AND YOUR PAGE!!!!!!!!!!!!!
-Kao

And we love you.

Dear Webmaster-
All i have to say is YOU ARE AMAZING! I read the first 5 chapters of
dead dogs don't roll over and i couldn't stop laughing. (Honestly.) you are extremely
funny!
-Amy

Wait 'til you see me naked.

Dear Webmaster-
i just like to comment on stuff and i like your stuff cuz you show the true humor of being insane..so like keep it up..oh yea you can keep that little thing up too...hehehe. i just have been going and visiting your page and find it all very humorous and cool and neat and all that kinda junk people say when they like something of someone else's and wish they were the one getting all the praise.

i say just live life single. maybe out of the bunch of whores or money hungry women you'll find a funny, sweet, charming woman like me to live life with and share to each other all y'all crappy moments in life and find a way together to make it a whole hell of a lot better!! or something like that..ok well gotta go... Laters
-Zoe

I'm speechless.

Dear Webmaster-
HEY YOU COCKSUCKER I'M A CAPRICORN, WATCH YOUR BACK!!!!
-Capricorn Man

Dear Mr. Capricorn Man. Don't feel bad, since I uploaded the 99% accurate horoscope, I've found that there are lots and lots of Capricorns. Most of them aren't quite so hostile, but they're all there. You have to remember, the majority of capricorns were conceived during the spring season. The time when all the flowers are coming up, the birds are chirping softly in the trees and mom suddenly feels far more fertile and daddy feels life really is a beautiful thing.

Dear Webmaster-
I've been at your website all night. I must now physically remove
myself from my computer so I can get some sleep....but I just wanted to
drop you a quick note. <klunk>

I knew I was going to like your site from the second I saw the opening
warning. "Crazies only" is always a good tip off for me.

I didn't get all the way thru your website...in fact didn't get to any
of
the brady bunch stuff. But, I suppose the anticipation will give me
a reason to live another day.
-Mona

As will The Brady Bunch.

Dear Webmaster-
When I was reading your site, I farted.
-Bob

What a coincidence!!! I did the same thing when I was writing it.

Dear Webmaster-
It's a good day to be alive, isn't it?? I can now officially say that I
have actually poured over every bit of your currently-published web
material! ...took some time, but -- I DID it!!!

Read your poetry... liked it a lot. About the horoscope, This is a stroke of JEANYUS! It's stellar! You been reading my mind or what???? How'd you know I hoped my body didn't take my sign literally?!?!?!?! *Grins and stuff!* LOVE the sidenote for Sagittarius!

Guess I'll go wipe the drool offa my chin an' get some coffee
-Tricia

You might wanna save that drool. Comes in handy when the water's turned off.

Dear Webmaster-
Your survey is pretty cool.
Chapter nine was GREAT. I read it twice! I never do that. The funniest thing is how you make fun of gamblers. How many chapters will there be?
-Mark

A billion.

Dear Webmaster-
I think my life sucks more than yours.
-Tina

Kill yourself now. It'll save on therapy bills.

Dear Webmaster-
I was just at your home page, I love it a lot. Your
poetry was very sad,
but I really liked it. Your
on-line novel really moved me. I was very sad to
hear about your fiancée and
would like to be the next. The only thing is,
I would not break your heart.
-Your secret admirer

Just my luck. Somebody falls in love with me and, I have no idea who she is. As a matter of fact, I have no idea if she's even a "she."

Dear Webmaster-
Your site is pretty cool but you need more naked people.
-Iris

MORE naked people??? I didn't realize I had ANY naked people here, now. Well, there's the ones stuck between my mattresses but, I can't figure out how they could've crept onto my site.

Dear Webmaster-
Your site turns me on more than my husband's penis.
-Amy

I can't decide if you're complimenting me or, really putting down your husband's penis.

Dear Webmaster-
Hi.
-Charles

Hi.

Dear Webmaster-
Hey man I found a web page that really sucks. This has got to be the worst page I have seen on the net. This page is so stupid I think scientists should study it in a controlled environment. Here is the URL.

http://www.geocities.com/Hollywood/Set/8300/badsite.htm (editor's note: In case you didn't notice, that is the URL to the "badsite" section of The Juicy Cerebellum.)

This guy should get a reality check and stop listening to MTV for his
info.
-Too cowardly to leave a name

You're right, it's a horrible site. I'm shocked someone could ever put something up like that. What was he thinking? What gives him the right to be thinking at all? Doesn't he realize how much better-off this country would be if everyone just played a lifelong game of "Follow-the-Leader?" Jeez, he actually expresses his opinion! Heaven help us, he actually has one! Golly, he acts like it's a free country!

Where does this proverbial middle-finger in the face of group-mentality stop if salacious sites like The Juicy Cerebellum are allowed to continue? He even has the audacity to put his actual NAME onto the site! Can you imagine??? Not only does he have his own opinions, he has the nerve to reveal who it is expressing them. It's appalling. He should spend more time doing productive things, like watching TNN, or something.

Dear Webmaster-
I have just completed reading your
very Brady motivational messages. It brought me back from the brink of despair, you could say I have been reborn. I believe that reading these quotes gave me a better idea of therapy then a Ph.d in psychology would. Just the AFROS are therapy enough. Also wanted to say that I am secretly in love with you and your web site but shhhhhhhhh don't tell anyone (especially my wife).
-Jay

I wouldn't want anyone to know I use AFROS as therapy, either.

Dear Webmaster-
Your little story sounds terrible if i were you i would have put Nair
in her shampoo or cut buttons off all her shirts i dunno i think you
deserve wut you got for being so gullible because you should have
realized women are vicious by nature and men, well, you guys will always
be dumb enough to think we're made of "sugar and spice" and all that
stuff. Oh well...
-Nicole

Yes but, one thing we men have is the ability to capitalize and punctuate in the correct spots. Plus, we're better at bowling.

Dear Webmaster-
I thought maybe it was time to comment. I bring up your site every day
at work and find great solace and inspiration there. I would not make it
through the day without your fine witticism & amazing insight. Keep up
the good work. YOU ARE A CYBER GOD!!!!!!
-Heather

And I could write even more to help you make it through the day if you sent me half of your weekly paycheck.

Dear Webmaster-
I've been to your site several times. It's great, as is your
novel.
-Danielle

I'm not too sure about my breath, though.

Dear Webmaster-
Never fear my dear Alexander,
you will not go to hell.
-Steph

Well, that's a relief.

Dear Webmaster-
Your web page makes me so wet
-Unknown

I hope it's a girl.

Dear Webmaster-
Hey, I once was an alter boy.
-Dave

So, what's your point?

Dear Webmaster-
You need to get laid to get rid of some this energy. I found your page
looking for info. on The Philadelphia Eagles. Glad you're a Democrat.
-no signature

The Philadelphia Eagles???

Dear Webmaster-
Hang in there. Some people just don't have a conscience,
your ex-fiancée sounds like one of them. I hope you don't lose your offbeat sense of humor cuz of this.
-Jim

No. Just my sanity and, LOTS of sleep.

Dear Webmaster-
I was bored so I went to your website to see if you added anything new and well.... aaaaaaaaw, I'm so sorry, that's terrible. I really don't know what to tell you, but don't give up hope. I really feel awful for you, well just know we aren't all bitches. Well on that nice note, I think I'll end this wonderful, email. seriously though, take care Alex.
-Katie

Thanks, Katie. I know you're not all bitches, maybe it's just Sweden, or something.

Dear Webmaster-
Maybe I'll take you up on
your offer. I don't want to break your heart, though. You sound more like you need some mending. I'm sorry to hear what was done to you. No one deserves it.
-Cindy

Wow, three letters in one day about my ex-fiancée. I was sorry to hear all that she's done to me too and, you're right, no one deserves it.

Dear Webmaster-
so far so good .. I am looking forward to the next chapter. I hope you
get somebody to publish it.(when its done)
-Scott

Yep, me too.

Dear Webmaster-
This is my very first E-mail. I'm a virgin no more. You are my FIRST! The Web Page really kicks ass. I read both chapters 1 & 2 of your
online book and liked it a lot. I also read a few poems and visited the Brady Bunch page.
-Eric

Always happy to pop a cherry.

Dear Webmaster-
Yes, I finally had the Cerebellum experience. Of all the sites on the Net, I can say without hesitation, that yours is truly one of them. Artistic, tasteful, informative, and refined - these are words that spring to mind when describing something that possesses these qualities.

In closing, let me just say that you're site has never been better. I really mean that. No, really.

Also, if the Simpsons are on view in your neck of the world, and on the same schedule, and if you indeed watch it, you'd know that they parodied the "Oliver" type to perfection on a recent episode. It was "Poochie", the new, "hip" "happenin'" addition to the Itchy and Scratchy show. Have you seen it?
-Adam

Ever heard of a "backhanded compliment?" But, anyway, Adam reminded me of the greatest episode of the Simpsons this year. It was all about the "Oliver" thing and, it made me laugh so hard snot came out of my nipple. Oh, btw, Adam, you used the wrong form of "you're."

Dear Webmaster-
This is a really good site..I am going to take a bit of time tonight to peruse it at a more leisurely pace and start your
novel. Good luck with it all..whatever it all is??*S*
-John

John, your guess is as good as mine. I won't know what it is until it's all finished. Let's just hope it turns out or, I'll probably go nutty and do something rash like, light myself on fire and pretend I'm the Human Torch.

Dear Webmaster-
Yer page is super kewl! The letters seem to only be from a select few though. Very Funny and what's with the tampon thing? KEWL n e way.
-Emily

Um, the letters are only from a select few cuz, they're the only ones who have written. If people sent me more email, there'd be a better letter section. Hey, wen did misspelin' wordz becum a treand?

Dear Webmaster-
Great page looks like a lot of work went into it! I love it and I will come back often and check it out!
-Sally

Dear Webmaster-
Just thought you might want to know that I am going to fail my computer
science test at 10:30 tomorrow morning.
-Matt

Now, there's the reason we have so many teen-pregnancies, these days. In a recent press-release, it was revealed that 9 out of 10 people get pregnant BEFORE the age of 17. Including males. That's a big number and, by flunking your test and seemingly BRAGGING about it, you are contributing to these children having children. Take that to your computer science class.

Dear Webmaster-
Just surfed your page...*too funny*..Nice page you have there!!
thanks,
-KB

You're Welcome. -AS

Dear Webmaster-
LOL!! I love it. I'm reading it right now. It's so cool, but ironic I was thinking of doing something very similar to that for my homepage. Shoot we think a like you know that? It's so funny. I love your little blah blahs (I do that all the time hehe sorta stuff) I have great admiration for you now. I love it. I mean its the best homepage I've ever read. Most suck you know.
-Katie

Wow, I feel like a vagina, after sex . . . all warm and gooey inside.

Dear Webmaster-
Unfortunately, I was unable to read ALL of the info. which has been included in your very "interesting" homepage, due to a mad rush that I'm in to be on time for work. My apologies. Anyway, from what I did observe, your homepage has my utmost approval. Only you could create such "different" outlooks and display such opinions. What that is supposed to mean, (moment of thought) I still do not know.
-Renee

My suggestion? Quit your job. Unemployment is cool.

Dear Webmaster-
I have successfully completed your homepage. I want my certificate of graduation damn it! Just kidding. Well kudos to you it was excellent. I did a report on O.J. (by force) and there is a terrible web page glorifying the shit despite the fact of his bloody murderous inclinations. Anyhow, later.
-Steph

One word: where? If I'm going to add a "badsite" link, I need to know the URL. Oh and, where's my Kudos? I like the ones with peanut butter cuz, peanut butter is such a FUN word. It's got nuts, it's got butts and, it's got pee. (Well, its got "pea" but, this site sucks so, we can pretend.)

Dear Webmaster-
In love with your page, honey. Love "
Copyright". Glad to know your
work is out in the open air,breathing, and living. I think you found your medium. Your Web page is spectacular.
-Maria

Heh-heh, she called me "honey." :)

Dear Webmaster-
OH yeah I remember
Oliver. That character sucked, but then again all of the Brady Bunch sucked!
-Katie

All of the Brady Bunch sucked?!?!? Well, since I'm the editor, I have to be objective, I guess. So, I won't comment.