Letters to the Webmaster

Dear Webmaster-
I am a poet in the Dallas area, and am rather new to the web, having finally signed onto a service this last February.  I have taken many paths and seen many things in my spare time, but today, in finding your sight, I not only discovered a new (to me) artist, but a new art as well.  I think that you are brilliant, I think that your web site is a work of art, and I am stricken with an "oh my lord."

Your no-nonsense prose, your daring in promulgating even your
most embarrassing moments and your most wretched heart-aches, your wicked sense of fun and your savage humor are fresh and stunning.  One could be tempted to say that your website is a poem, in the same way that a train's whistle at night is a poem.  But I think what you've done here is something more than poetry.

Bravo to you sir, and thank you.
-J.M. Taylor

Hmm . . . I wonder why I chose that letter to go first in this update . . .

Dear Webmaster-
Man that was
one great funeral.  I want you to script mine.  Even if my mom would shit a brick over it.

Don't worry, I've already written that into the script.

Dear Webmaster-
Your funeral rules! I laughed more hysterically over
that funeral thing, than I have over anything else on your site, and I think your site is the funniest thing around! I'm still laughing. I hope you can pretend to die more often. Very entertaining!

I've always said, "if you can't make 'em smile with a corpse, you just can't make 'em smile!"

Dear Webmaster-
I'd just like to say.. great job. It's really good to know that in life, there's still people like Tim Leary and Allen Ginsberg who are willing to stand up against the morals of Capitalism and attempt to be heard.

It's gotta be hard to stand up against the big companies and attempt to show those few people that pass through your website just how dangerously comical American and Canadian (I'm a Canadian, and it is almost a mirror) life really is. If it means anything, i'm reading - i'm laughing - i'm understanding.

That's why I'm still writing.

Dear Webmaster-
The update you wrote called "
101 reasons not to be too concerned when your IP blows up tomorrow!" has to be one of your best contributions to The Juicy Cerebellum ever. To make it short: It blew my mind! If someone is ever going to compile "The best of Alex Sandell", this update will be the headliner. I can't possibly see how you can top this one. (Although I'm sure you will.)

Keep up the good spirit, your website is one of the most meaningful places on the net.
-Mads A. Skjelstad

If someone ever compiled a "best of " involving me, I'd prefer it be called, "Look, the freak can type!"

Dear Webmaster-
You crack me up! Your
101 reasons not to be too concerned when your IP blows up page was great. You have a real talent for writing. I'm so happy you decided to share it with people through the Internet. It's a shame that many people think otherwise.

Can't wait to see what you come up with next!

I want to come back as a stapler.

Dear Webmaster-
i just read your most recent update. the one about
101 reasons to not be surprised when your IP blows up tomorrow. it helped to confirm that i'm just another stupid person on the 'net. i have a webpage, it has no point, there's a paragraph about me on the front page and i even have a link page with links to other worthless sights. i hate going to pages like mine, so i don't know why i created one. i'm taking it down though. thanks for opening my eyes. of course i plan to save all the html, so that in a few months when i forget why i took it down, i can put it up again, so make sure you keep your page up and remind me how stupid i am, and that no one cares about all my shit. okay? thanks.

Maybe I should start a public service. If anyone else wants to take down their pages full of worthless pictures of them holding a pet, or wearing a "Santa cap," or unwrapping a gift, or hugging a boyfriend, or holding a baby, or making cute poses, or as a little kid, and want to keep them down, even when the overwhelming need to display life's most trivial moments to the rest of the world, through a grainy photograph, is driving you mad, I'll be there to help. Please send me an email when you feel even the earliest signs (usually sweating palms, or obsessive use of a camera), and I'll talk you down. It will be hard at first, but if you take it day by day, it will slowly become easier.

Dear Webmaster-
I absolutely love your update,
101 reasons not to be too concerned when your IP blows up tomorrow!!!

The colours and endless paragraph helped to portray and pass on some semblance of annoyance. 
All your best stuff...Corporations, Geocities, Texas, some local insult for us little people.

And a happy ending!!!
-Melanie White

I so badly want to write a serious comeback to this, just to explain that I really did use the clashing colors, and endless paragraph to convey a sense of annoyance, at the Internet, in general. I also would, if I were to write a serious comeback, mention that I was deliberately bringing back a lot of the past "favorites" from older updates. Another thing I'd probably bring up, if I broke down, and went the "serious" route, is that this article, as Melanie noted, had one of the only "happy" endings found at The Juicy Cerebellum. Finally, I'd mention that the only break from the endless paragraph is the happy ending, when the author breaks free of the web. But, that just wouldn't be me, so I don't think I'll mention any of it.  

Dear Webmaster-
Very good stuff. Sorry that
Tex is such a shit. I'm a Texas native myself, and I'm sorry my state seems to grow so many shits that give it a bad name. Oh well. I especially liked your Christians vs. Atheists thing and 101 reasons not to be too concerned when your IP blows up tomorrow, about how much all this sucks anyway (by the end there, it started reminding me of "1984." Ever read it?). And your comments about our health care system are, unfortunately, incredibly true. I'm glad you do this. Most of it is the kind of stuff that I myself want to tell someone else, but never have because I thought it really wouldn't make a difference anyway, or because I was just too scared to.

Your site is an absolutely incredible and possibly soul saving diamond in the rough that I was VERY pleased AND unusually blessed to find.
-Aaron Thomas

I can't get past that "Soul saving" thing. If I'm saving souls, why are so many people telling me to go to Hell? About your being scared to tell people what you think; tell them. I mean, really, what's the worst that could happen? A death threat here and there. Spastic no-life's harassing you. A dead squirrel sent in the mail. Dirty looks. Prank phone calls at 4 in the morning. Major corporations trying to bully your site off the web . . .

Dear Webmaster-
You are strange - why is that?  I like your style though, I'll look at your site a little more on my days off.  Is there going to be anything in there that might offend me? 

Why do I feel this strong urge to let out a gigantic "bwah-ha-ha" type laugh?

Hey! Reading other people's mail makes me feel all dirty inside, and I kinda like it. Send me to The Ultimate Letter Archive!

You got something important to say (or something completely stupid)? Send email to: alex@juicycerebellum.com

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