Letters to the Webmaster
(That'd be me, kids)

Dear Webmaster-
I just found your site three days ago, and have been here for hours every day! I've now finished all the updates in
the 1998 Table of brains! The second to best was probably the story about the girl from Finland (I'm saving the best, for last). The EX-files were depressing but your comments on people's stories were so funny it made it all better. The Coming Out of the Closet Card thing was classic ... total hilarity. Not to mention 15 great reasons to visit Texas. I had barbecue sauce coming out of my nose! Your interview with Christ was also very laugh-inducing, but had a serious side that made it almost bittersweet, in a way. Your day out on the town (one simple friday) was really unique. It actually gave me the creeps, the way you described that abandoned church. Stephen King couldn't have done it as well. Slogans that even the corporations rejected seemed to take "The Juicy Cerebellum" back into straight-forward comedy, but at closer look was actually fairly political and serious. You go on to prove you haven't lost your ability to make people choke on their own laughter with your hysterically morbid funeral.

What's my favorite? Throughout all the laughing, I ended up picking what I thought was the most depressing, poetic and sad update you've done "So, this is what it's like in the daylight?" At the beginning I was chuckling but by the end I was in tears. What a lonely world we live in. What a sad state of affairs we've created. I guess I'll have to go cheer up by reading all your 1997 updates!

You do realize that if The Juicy Cerebellum ever becomes a book, you basically wrote the liner notes, don't you? Thanks for taking the time to put that all down. I was really impressed. Oh, and tell Marie "hi."

Dear Webmaster-
Geocities take on the Juicy Cerebellum! You have your own server, and don't even mention things that aren't true by the way! You have my full support. You're a nice guy and shouldn't have to put up with losers like Tex and Geocities. Of all the pages for them to attack, they just HAD to attack my favorite one!

I was thinking of leaving Geocities soon. You are totally right when you say that they are against free speech. Your phrase "rich dudes trying to get richer" describes them exactly.

I think there should be a new "rich dudes trying to get poorer" law, put into effect. Once a company makes a certain amount, they could do something other than run around using their money to scare people, and actually help the world that we live in. There's a lot of problems out their, that need fixing, and I just don't think making inadvertent threats to The Juicy Cerebellum should be on top of the list. Then again, it is kinda flattering.

Dear Webmaster-
I would like to comment on
the GeoCities development. I think it's quite pathetic and a testimony to the overwhelming greed, close-mindedness, and stupidity that plagues the majority of the human population.  It just goes to show that the more famous you become, the more people want to knock you down.
-Jeff K.

Or knock you up, if you're female. (I couldn't resist.)

Dear Webmaster-
I really can't stand the whole geocities corporation, I've heard way too many stories of them fucking people over for no particular reason other than their own insecurity and desire to be even richer.  Did you read the article in some magazine a while back, interviewing the Jack-ass up top?  He stated in the article something like the only rule at Geocities is to follow the theme of your community and that he expects to bring in 17 million dollars in advertising this year.  Someone needs to give that guy a swift boot to the face.

I say someone should just put that Mickey Mouse cap back on his head, and hand him one of those gigantic lollipops midgets dance around with, in "The Wizard of Oz". (I've been obsessed with lollipop licking midgets, lately.) That should shut him up long enough to remember what being human is all about.

Dear Webmaster-
I just wanted to let you know that I fully support what you are doing with
this thing against Geocities.  I think big, powerful, greedy lawyers and people that have no sense of humor have made it so hard for someone like to you to exercise your freedom of speech.  It is sad that an American can not even tell a joke without being sued by someone that has way to much free time to take innocent people to court.

I agree. I got about ten-million other letters regarding the GeoCities issue, but you get the idea. Thanks to everyone who wrote in supporting me (which was actually everyone who wrote in). If your letter wasn't printed, it wasn't because I didn't appreciate it, it was because I got tired, and wanted to get to bed sometime before 9:30 A.M..

Dear Webmaster-
I read
the rant ... damn that's fuck'n long!  That must've taken a lot of work. And I can relate with all of it ... except that no one is trying to sue me at the present.  I get my moments where I have something interesting and or funny to say, but to be forced to have something at least once a week
would drive me mad.  I admire the fact that you can keep your page going. I work at McDonald's, by the way.
-Stoned Lamb

Um . . . that's one of those things you might not want to reveal to too many people.

Dear Webmaster-
Will we ever find out the end to
Dead dogs don't roll over? I have dozens of pictures of naked women, if that will help.

Hmm . . . help in what way, exactly?

Dear Webmaster-
Hey, I love your site!!!!!  Especially the "
What Are You Selling Us, Here???" update!!  And the "Trouble With Geocities"!!  But, however, I still think that we desperatly need the death penalty.  Just this past saturday, a senior at my high school, who is nearly 18, was at a party. While there, he got a 13-year-old girl drunk, took her into a locked room with plenty of witnesses, and then raped.  This guy really does deserve to be put to death, instead of just the 6 or 7 years he'll get for statutory rape. 

Wait a minute, he "got" her drunk? Was he using pliers? Hypnosis? Cleverly disguised Kool-Aid? He took her into a "locked room" with "plenty of witnesses"? Uh . . . what exactly were they doing, writing a report for school on the downside of partying? Who needs to be put to death, again? Him? The witnesses? What about all those liquor companies that basically say, "get beer. get drunk. get laid."? You know, the ones that have nearly every guy in America associating beer with chicks in bikinis? It's all pretty complicated. I have the answer! Get sexist liquor ads off t.v., and don't kill (or rape) anyone! I'm glad you like the site, but the death penalty will always be wrong.

Dear Webmaster-
I read your
Two Fucked Up Hours update, and I was really impressed. I mean, I'm always pretty impressed with what you write, but I thought that was a really good article, not necessarily because it was better written than any other article. I just think that you really got a good point across using real life events.

I hate when I can't think of a response to a letter.

Dear Webmaster-
I love your site, and I've been here for a while ... I even assisted in
the battle against Tex. I think you're funny and intellegent. However, I was looking over the table of brains '97, and I read your other twelve steps. It was funny, but extremely insensitive.  People who try to change their lives after tragedy are brave individuals.

Catchy name. I can see you've picked up on the "anonymous" thing, too. I think a brave individual would admit to having a problem, not just to a dating service, such as A.A., but to the world. I realize it takes a "brave" world to accept people with diseases, but it takes people to speak out about the diseases, to get this world to be brave.

The update wasn't aimed at alcoholics (not that I'd apologize, if it was. I'm not going to give special privileges to someone, just because he or she can get drunk a whole bunch.). The update was aimed at the only widely accepted support group for alcoholics. More than that, it was aimed at their little "prayer." These people aren't just stuffing Christianity down the throat of someone with a problem; they're trying to convince that person God, as a Christian sees him, is the only one to help them recover. Like Zeus and Buddha are all liquored up, down at a stripbar, or something.

Not all alcoholics are Christian, and throwing a fucking prayer-book in their face seems a bit out of line. Sorry to burst your bubble.

Dear Webmaster-
Does being cynical ever get boring?


Only on weekends.

Hey! Reading other people's mail makes me feel all dirty inside, and I kinda like it. Send me to The Ultimate Letter Archive!

You got something important to say (or something completely stupid)? Send email to: alex@juicycerebellum.com

Back to the table of brains 1998

Back to the mind-map.