Letters to the Webmaster
(That'd be me, kids)
Dear Webmaster-
I just found your site three days ago, and have been here for
hours every day! I've now finished all the updates in the 1998 Table of brains! The second to best was probably the story about the girl from
Finland (I'm saving the best, for
last). The EX-files were depressing but your comments on people's stories
were so funny it made it all better. The Coming Out of the Closet
Card thing was classic ... total
hilarity. Not to mention 15 great reasons to visit Texas.
I had barbecue sauce coming out of my nose! Your interview with Christ was also very laugh-inducing, but had a serious side
that made it almost bittersweet, in a way. Your day out on the
town (one simple friday) was really unique. It actually gave me the creeps, the
way you described that abandoned church. Stephen King couldn't
have done it as well. Slogans
that even the corporations rejected
seemed to take "The Juicy Cerebellum" back into
straight-forward comedy, but at closer look was actually fairly
political and serious. You go on to prove you haven't lost your
ability to make people choke on their own laughter with your hysterically morbid funeral.
What's my favorite? Throughout all
the laughing, I ended up picking what I thought was the most
depressing, poetic and sad update you've done "So, this is what it's like in
the daylight?" At the beginning I
was chuckling but by the end I was in tears. What a lonely world
we live in. What a sad state of affairs we've created. I guess
I'll have to go cheer up by reading all your 1997 updates!
-Donny
You do realize that if The Juicy Cerebellum ever becomes a book, you basically wrote the liner notes, don't you? Thanks for taking the time to put that all down. I was really impressed. Oh, and tell Marie "hi."
Dear Webmaster-
How DARE Geocities
take on the Juicy Cerebellum! You have
your own server, and don't even mention things that aren't true
by the way! You have my full support. You're a nice guy and
shouldn't have to put up with losers like Tex and
Geocities. Of all the pages for them to attack, they just HAD to
attack my favorite one!
I was thinking of leaving
Geocities soon. You are totally right when you say that they are
against free speech. Your phrase "rich dudes trying to get
richer" describes them exactly.
-Angel
I think there should be a new "rich dudes trying to get poorer" law, put into effect. Once a company makes a certain amount, they could do something other than run around using their money to scare people, and actually help the world that we live in. There's a lot of problems out their, that need fixing, and I just don't think making inadvertent threats to The Juicy Cerebellum should be on top of the list. Then again, it is kinda flattering.
Dear Webmaster-
I would like to comment on the GeoCities development. I
think it's quite pathetic and a testimony to the overwhelming
greed, close-mindedness, and stupidity that plagues the majority
of the human population. It just goes to show that the more
famous you become, the more people want to knock you down.
-Jeff K.
Or knock you up, if you're female. (I couldn't resist.)
Dear Webmaster-
I really can't stand the whole geocities corporation, I've heard
way too many stories of them fucking people over for no
particular reason other than their own insecurity and desire to
be even richer. Did you read the article in some magazine a
while back, interviewing the Jack-ass up top? He stated in
the article something like the only rule at Geocities is to
follow the theme of your community and that he expects to bring
in 17 million dollars in advertising this year. Someone
needs to give that guy a swift boot to the face.
-Adam
I say someone should just put that Mickey Mouse cap back on his head, and hand him one of those gigantic lollipops midgets dance around with, in "The Wizard of Oz". (I've been obsessed with lollipop licking midgets, lately.) That should shut him up long enough to remember what being human is all about.
Dear Webmaster-
I just wanted to let you know that I fully support what you are
doing with this thing
against Geocities. I think big,
powerful, greedy lawyers and people that have no sense of humor
have made it so hard for someone like to you to exercise your
freedom of speech. It is sad that an American can not even
tell a joke without being sued by someone that has way to much
free time to take innocent people to court.
-Rebecca
I agree. I got about ten-million other letters regarding the GeoCities issue, but you get the idea. Thanks to everyone who wrote in supporting me (which was actually everyone who wrote in). If your letter wasn't printed, it wasn't because I didn't appreciate it, it was because I got tired, and wanted to get to bed sometime before 9:30 A.M..
Dear Webmaster-
I read the rant ... damn that's fuck'n long! That must've taken a
lot of work. And I can relate with all of it ... except that
no one is trying to sue me at the present. I get my moments where I have
something interesting and or funny to say, but to be forced to
have something at least once a week
would drive me mad. I admire the fact that you can keep
your page going. I work at McDonald's, by the way.
-Stoned Lamb
Um . . . that's one of those things you might not want to reveal to too many people.
Dear Webmaster-
Will we ever find out the end to Dead dogs don't roll over?
I have dozens of pictures of naked women, if that
will help.
-Kiddeimos
Hmm . . . help in what way, exactly?
Dear Webmaster-
Hey, I love your site!!!!! Especially the "What Are You Selling Us,
Here???" update!! And the
"Trouble With
Geocities"!! But, however, I
still think that we desperatly need the death penalty. Just
this past saturday, a senior at my high school, who is nearly 18,
was at a party. While there, he got a 13-year-old girl drunk,
took her into a locked room with plenty of witnesses, and then
raped. This guy really does deserve to be put to death,
instead of just the 6 or 7 years he'll get for statutory
rape.
-Matthew
Wait a minute, he "got" her drunk? Was he using pliers? Hypnosis? Cleverly disguised Kool-Aid? He took her into a "locked room" with "plenty of witnesses"? Uh . . . what exactly were they doing, writing a report for school on the downside of partying? Who needs to be put to death, again? Him? The witnesses? What about all those liquor companies that basically say, "get beer. get drunk. get laid."? You know, the ones that have nearly every guy in America associating beer with chicks in bikinis? It's all pretty complicated. I have the answer! Get sexist liquor ads off t.v., and don't kill (or rape) anyone! I'm glad you like the site, but the death penalty will always be wrong.
Dear Webmaster-
I read your Two Fucked
Up Hours update, and I was really
impressed. I mean, I'm always pretty impressed with what you
write, but I thought that was a really good article, not
necessarily because it was better written than any other article.
I just think that you really got a good point across using real
life events.
-Peter
I hate when I can't think of a response to a letter.
Dear Webmaster-
I love your site, and I've been here for a while ... I even
assisted in the battle
against Tex. I think you're funny and
intellegent. However, I was looking over the table of brains '97, and I read your other twelve steps. It was
funny, but extremely insensitive. People who try to change
their lives after tragedy are brave individuals.
-anonymous
Catchy name. I can see you've picked up on the "anonymous" thing, too. I think a brave individual would admit to having a problem, not just to a dating service, such as A.A., but to the world. I realize it takes a "brave" world to accept people with diseases, but it takes people to speak out about the diseases, to get this world to be brave.
The update wasn't aimed at alcoholics (not that I'd apologize, if it was. I'm not going to give special privileges to someone, just because he or she can get drunk a whole bunch.). The update was aimed at the only widely accepted support group for alcoholics. More than that, it was aimed at their little "prayer." These people aren't just stuffing Christianity down the throat of someone with a problem; they're trying to convince that person God, as a Christian sees him, is the only one to help them recover. Like Zeus and Buddha are all liquored up, down at a stripbar, or something.
Not all alcoholics are Christian, and throwing a fucking prayer-book in their face seems a bit out of line. Sorry to burst your bubble.
Dear Webmaster-
Does being cynical ever get boring?
-Michael
Only on weekends.
Hey! Reading other people's mail makes me feel all dirty inside, and I kinda like it. Send me to The Ultimate Letter Archive!
You got something important to say (or something completely stupid)? Send email to: alex@juicycerebellum.com
