Letters to the Webmaster
(7/17/98)

Dear Webmaster-
I don't eat McDonald's burgers.  Their food isn't real anyway.  I don't know what it is they are doing with all that meat, but they sure as hell aren't putting it into their burgers!

So, I guess in this one instance, I'm not fucking any poor people in the ass. But thanks anyway for the
would you like to eat me update!  It's another terribly pathetic situation that will probably continue because hamburgers are way too important to America to give a damn about the other countries we screw to get it.
-Lisa

You have to be quite a slut to screw entire countries. It feels like I'm living in the world's loosest whore. At least we have a good medical system that guarantees quality healthcare for each and every member of this society. Without that, I just don't know how much more of this I could take.

Dear Webmaster-
The
WOULD YOU LIKE TO EAT ME update was great! I could tell a lot of work went into that one. Only you could write about something that fucking depressing and make me nearly die busting a gut! Thanks for the laughs.
-Rich

I always try to find the humorous side in situations such as overcrowding and world starvation. It keeps me deluded.

Dear Webmaster-
Everytime I look at the title "
would you like to eat me" I end up getting all horny. Can I go down on you?
-Alexis

I don't know. When I yell out your name, it would feel like I'm talking to myself. That might be slightly eerie.

Dear Webmaster-
I liked your
would you like to eat me update, being the antisocial vegeterian that I am.  But I don't believe that eating the rich is the only answer.
-LIZ

Yet, it's the most logical. Plus, it would be so much fucking fun.

Dear Webmaster-
In "
Would you like to eat me?" you made some suggestions about mass murdering 16 million of your fellow humans. This is truly a terrific way to greatly reduce the number of self-centered little dweebs who think that the world revolves around them. Because following the disappearance of the Dutch people the world will go into the worst depression ever plus worldscale riots will break out, or in other words the ingredients for WW3...
-Erwin from Nederland

You know, I didn't even think of that. Good point! Can we blow you guys up now?

Dear Webmaster-
I found your site today and have spent the last couple of hours trawling through your writings. You're a sick fucker, but that's a quality I admire. It takes real talent to highlight the absurdity and madness of our world and make it funny. The best comedy is one step from tragedy and your stuff is hysterical. You're a talented man. Kudos to you.
-Chris Halliday

Why do people keep offering me Kudos? I look in my mailbox everyday, and I never ever get them. People just offer them, and then disappear. Please, Kudos offering people, send the offered Kudos to P.O. Box 331, Alexandria, MN 56308. I like the peanut butter and chocolate ones the best. Anything is okay though, except the ones with shriveled grapes. Thanks.

Dear Webmaster-
Glad to see you back in your best satirical mood in
the jubilant cerebellum-thing. THAT is what I call humor.
-Mads

Your "happy thought" is in the mail. *Smooch*

Dear Webmaster-
That
Jubilant Cerebellum is sure to stir the panties.  Good, serve's those greedy readers right... and also the one's who couldn't see a joke if it fell from the damn sky and bit them on the ass, then licked their ears and whispered sweet nothings to them on a warm summer night. Well... I'm going to go find my "one moment of happiness"... good ol' bowel movements.... I'll be thinking of you Alex!
-Adam

I've always liked being associated with other people's shit. Thanks for warming my heart.

Dear Webmaster-
I will never read the Juicy Cerebellum again... I've found my home -
The Jubilant Cerebellum... bliss out.... serenity now!!!
-Gary

I've created a monster.

Dear Webmaster-
The Jubilant Cerebellum is the most putrid and vile piece of dog shit I have ever seen. It now makes me cringe every time I see the word jubilant. How horrible.
-Austin

Do you see the word "jubilant" often? Have you sought help?

Dear Webmaster-
I just want wanted to tell you that
the Jubilant Cerebellum update is the most depressing thing I've ever seen.
-Carsten

I take it you've never been to GeoCities.

Dear Webmaster-
The Jubilant Cerebellum? Geez, man, are you on prozac or something?  Please say the depressed, bitter and obscene Alex we know and, er.... appreciate will be back soon.
-John

He never left. He was just out back, popping a hemorrhoid.

Dear Webmaster-
The Juicy Cerebellum is about the best darn page that I have ever come across !!!!!! I just wanted to tell ya that. I am very taken by your since of humor, and I wanted to show ya what type of person I am. So ya don't think all the people out there are weirdos.. hahaha I am from South Carolina, born and raised here, I am a real southern girl. I am 29 years old and married with two boys. I am also a cop and have been for five years. I am a very cool cop, so I think of myself. I am sending you two pictures of myself, just so you can get the idea of what I look like, the first one is me on the job, and the other one is me having fun. Yeah, even cops need to do that once in awhile. hahahhaehehhee.
-Kelly

Maybe I'm just being paranoid, but something about this letter makes me really happy that I will most likely never get arrested in South Carolina.

Dear Webmaster-
I just about died laughing when I found your
Geo parody. I've had a number of troubles with Geo (currently, they are implying a threat to sue me for criticism of them on my Netcom site, which used to be a Xoom site until Geo got it censored THERE, which in turn used to be a Geocities site until they apparently censored it several times there). It's so true. Those bastards must censor anything that speaks critically of them or any advertiser, and seem to go to extreme measures to harass and intimidate/silence any critics--don't take my word for it, see the Geocensored webring. I believe they were removed from crosswinds.net within 48 hours of posting a site that criticized GC's censorship policies...the phrase 'international lawsuit' came up...
-Bill

The only phrase that comes to mind when I think about GeoCities is "full of shit."

Dear Webmaster-
hey, i am going to send some money away man..i am really cool with money and i thought about it and it seemed apparent to me that it is immensely rewarding..everything you write and create has your heart and feeling in it..other's have pay sites with nothing and are just money making, but you turn out to be someone who can express themselves fully...and that is ten times more truthful and rare and real than all the other crap..keep it up man.
-Sam

If more people like you come crawling out of the woodwork, I probably will.

Dear Webmaster-
I just started going here a few months ago, and never really knew anything about your dream of making a living off the site thru member support-- fucking beautiful.  That is socialism, and I like it. I'll get something too you; don't worry.  YOU are a role model; you are easily 86,000 times better than the American Dream.
-Julie

"86,000 times better than The American Dream." You just came up with the words I want stenciled into my tombstone.  

Dear Webmaster-
You've got a great site. My check's in the mail.
-Mark

I always like a happy ending.

Hey! Reading other people's mail makes me feel all dirty inside, and I kinda like it. Send me to The Ultimate Letter Archive!

You got something important to say (or something completely stupid)? Send email to: alex@juicycerebellum.com

Back to the table of brains 1998

Back to the mind-map.