Letters to the Webmaster
(7/20/98)

Dear Webmaster-
Oh my gosh! People were staring at me as I hollered with laughter about your new
GeoShitties World Excuse Report! I love it!

You're doing quite well, and you never cease to amaze me! Look forward to reading more of your literary wonders.
-Andrea

Yesterday, I was standing over the toilet in a public restroom, trying to pee, and nothing was coming out. When I felt the pee starting to flow, I said, "come on my magic tooter." After verbally encouraging my urine, a voice came from a stall saying, "what?" I answered him with a, "I wasn't talking to you." We were the only two people in the bathroom. That was really embarrassing.

Dear Webmaster-
I gotta hand it to you, man. 
That GeoShitties World Excuse thing is the funniest shit I've ever read.  Someone should send that URL to Geocities, and watch them explode.
-Adam

I mean, what am I calling my penis a "magic tooter" for, anyway? It's not like it makes noises.

Dear Webmaster-
Hi i just visited your site (I like this site a lot) for the second time and read
the geoshitties bit (very good!). The funniest thing on the site (well, 'interesting' is more appropriate) was the Tex-mail. Doesn't this man (?) have anything else to do? It reads as if he's an off-duty or retired cop. Don't let this kind of shit absorb your energy.
-Bart Schut

It's people like Tex that keep me energized. Without the Tex-type, I'd probably be stuck putting up pictures of myself and listing my 20 favorite CDs, in alphabetical order. Oh, I might also include a photo of my cats wearing Christmas ornaments on their heads, or something.

Dear Webmaster-
i love your site. keep up the good work. somebody has to keep sticking it to the corporate types who think they can get away with ass-reaming the rest of us just because they've got the lawyers.

-David Mowrer

I think the corporate types ass-ream the rest of us not because they have lawyers, but because they just can.

Dear Webmaster-
About
misprint: just wanted to say that you're a phukin genius.
-loner127

Would a genius call his penis a magic tooter? Would he? Huh?

Dear Webmaster-
Thanks for saving my life once again. I have always meant to write and tell you that I think you're a saint disguised in a cynic's clothing but haven't had the nerve.
Misprint just proved I was right. Don't give up on yourself because too many people would follow your lead. You inspire me, man.
-Jack E.

I don't know if a saint would get himself into all the messes I find myself in. What does cynic's clothing like like? Finally, would a saint call his penis a magic tooter?

Dear Webmaster-
my ex-boyfriend has started calling again, and so i got really happy, and put everyone else on hold. after reading your "
misprint" update i've decided to not give him the satisfaction of being here when he wants me. i'm moving on, after 11 months. thanks for everything.
-Tracy

No problem. It must have taken a lot of strength to say "no" after waiting 11 months. I know certain people who can't wait more than 11 minutes. I won't name any names, or mention any countries, though.

Dear Webmaster-
Your
misprint-update gave real food for thought. You probably don't want it, but you've got my compassion.....
-Mads

And you just got yourself your second letter printed on this site in the last few days.

Dear Webmaster-
misprint. there is definitely something there. i printed it out and its in my wallet. i dont know what to really say except i know the feelings all too well. the pain. i know you dont want to hear about me but i just needed to say thanks. these are my favorite kinds of updates. i like them all but for some reason stuff like this just sticks in my mind more. like the poetry page of yours that i think i read from at least a few times a week. Thanks.
-kelly

You're welcome. (Was that a good enough response? Can someone send in a response to this email for me?)

Dear Webmaster-
This is my first visit to your infamous site and i'm personally going to sue you for facial distortion. I've been smiling so much my mouth is going to fall off. I love your sight and will return as often as possible. More than once a day that is. Okay, i admit it i have no life. <---that's a lie but i'm a pretty good liar.
-Kent Tucker

I'm so busy with life, I don't even have time to lie. (For the sarcasm impaired: being that I'm not busy with life, saying "I'm so busy with life, I don't even have time to lie," was a lie. That's the joke. For the taste impaired: that joke totally sucked.)

Dear Webmaster-
i have now read all of '
dead dogs don't roll over'.  do you plan to finish it or leave me hanging?
-Alex (not the one who writes this page)

I've already finished it. Now I'm just leaving you hanging, until I can get it to come out the way I want it to. I'm in no rush . . . I already know the ending.  

Dear Webmaster-
Thanx for bringing some sanity into my life.  It's so nice to hear someone talk like you without having to pay $1,500/day inside the psychoward.  I'll just stick with you and the world will become such a better place to live in. Great to hear it like it is........not the candy coated BULLSHIT!!!!!

-Loreen

Did you just say "thanx for bringing some sanity into my life?!?" If you meant sanity, as in "sanity," I think you missed the point. About that $1,500 dollars a day thing; I'll cut that back to $500, and still provide you with the quality updates you've grown to know and love. Please send all checks, cash or money orders to: Alex Sandell @ P.O. Box 331, Alexandria, MN 56308. Thanks.

Dear Webmaster-
You just keep on doing what you're doing, to hell with the whiners. Your page is the funniest thing I have read in a long time.
-Jake

Thanks. Wanna see a picture of a bloody brain somebody sent me? Pretty nifty, huh?

Dear Webmaster-
Are you mentally impared or just cronically stupid?

-Holly

You spelled impaired and chronically wrong. Wanna see a picture of your bloody brain? Pretty tiny, huh?

Hey! Reading other people's mail makes me feel all dirty inside, and I kinda like it. Send me to The Ultimate Letter Archive!

You got something important to say (or something completely stupid)? Send email to: alex@juicycerebellum.com

Back to the table of brains 1998

Back to the mind-map.